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I’m not entirely sure where to go with this so just asking for ideas or links/leads. I’m giving some back-story as it will inevitable be asked for or assumed.
My DD’s friend got thrown out of her house 3 weeks prior to HS graduation. She is 18. A few months prior her (now) X-BF got her liquored up and tried to take advantage of the situation, she escaped and wound up at our house that night (28 degrees, no shoes, about 11pm on a Saturday). She was locked out of her house that night. Well, not really locked out as that phrase implies. Her parents and 3 other siblings stay with the GPs in another town. They do not give F a key and she basically needs to fend for herself during the school week. She was not given a key as punishment for being on a sports team and having interests outside the house. He younger sister is “home-schooled”, older brother plays xbox 24/7 at the GPs, and older sister was told she would not be allowed to marry her fiancé if she spoke to F.
She never reported any of this to anyone because she had blacked out and was embarrassed. About a month after she broke up with him he tells her parents she did a train with him and her friends and they toss her. That was 4 weeks ago. Getting to know her I find the X’s story so full of BS it is unfathomable to understand how her parents could think otherwise.
Last night the X T/P’d the house and wrote “C” all over the porch. To me, if there was any doubt whatsofreekingever last night should have cleared it up. F calls her mother and mom blames her, calls her a ***** (yet again) and tells her to clean it up.
It has become somewhat clear this is just a convenient story for getting rid of her. The true problem is that she wants an outside life and doesn’t want to sit at home 24/7. If they do reconcile this would likely happen again. She has no ID (parents wouldn’t let her drive), apparently her mom won’t give her her birth certificate, SS card, or even the pharmacy where her medicine is filled from (mom showed up with a baggie of pills for her – I need to validate it is Zoloft and it is for her, then track down the pharmacy). Getting a duplicate B/C and SS card is time consuming, but can be done. The same is true with getting her a bank account and a D/L. As long as she stays under my roof she will not be let out to dry.
She starts at the local CC this fall and is on a full ride. Given the alternatives I’ll pay for the books and incidentals. I earn a good salary and this is not a huge issue. But, here is the problem. She wants to be a teacher and would require at least another 2 years, perhaps a Masters. I figure she would qualify for a host of needs based programs since she is on her own. I spoke with the FA office at a national university (top 10 ranking for education) to see what not to do and, lo and behold, she doesn’t. The university will not consider applications without the parental information. Even if they did her parents earn too much for the needs based grants. This is also true of Pell Grants. The federal government will not consider an application without the parental information. This is true even if she can prove she is on her own and files her own 1040Z. The only thing proving the situation will do is allow her an additional $5,000 in student loans. In reality if it were different it would be open up all the grants to a massive amount of fraud – so I do understand; but this girl is getting hammered here already. I am willing to help, but at this late date the amount is somewhat limited to books and incidentals. Does anyone have any suggestion as to funding? Loans would leave her $27K - $54K short. Work would help too. But I’d rather she not have to bank on them as her only alternative.
She is a nice kid, and I am truly offended at her parent’s actions.
BTW, I understand she has been with us for 1 month and there are a whole lot of unresolved issues that will develop. Things will likely change. What I am doing is a little advance planning to see what the options are in the event she is still with us. I am an actuary and tend to look at things over a long horizon. I am also consulting my attorney regarding any legal issues I may open myself to.
Last edited by SadDad; 06-09-2011 at 03:32 PM..
Reason: formatting
I'm not following the whole back story, but I'm not sure that matters. It sounds like she has 2 more years, while she's at CC, to figure it out. Maybe she could choose a less expensive school. Does she have a job? she should. Is she going to continue to live with you? If she works and lives with you she could buy her own books etc. and save up. I'm not really understanding how a person, who presumably will have been on her own for 2 years by then, can't take out enough student loans to pay for school. If you don't want her to have to "bank on" working and loans, I suppose you could pay for her college. A LOT of people work their way through school and take out loans. There is nothing wrong with that.
You are to be commended for taking her in. Good to look at this from a legal point of view as well.
I think you are looking way too far into the future. She hasn't even graduated HS and you are already worrying about grad school???
Just take it one school year at a time. Help her get all the necessary legal info she needs to live her life independent of her parents and since you say she has a full scholarship, just help out with incidental costs this first year while you can.
Be careful how much attention you pay to this girl. Your own child could get jealous and also tongues will wag. Try to be helpful without getting yourself too harshly regarded.
I'm not following the whole back story, but I'm not sure that matters. It sounds like she has 2 more years, while she's at CC, to figure it out. Maybe she could choose a less expensive school. Does she have a job? she should. Is she going to continue to live with you? If she works and lives with you she could buy her own books etc. and save up. I'm not really understanding how a person, who presumably will have been on her own for 2 years by then, can't take out enough student loans to pay for school. If you don't want her to have to "bank on" working and loans, I suppose you could pay for her college. A LOT of people work their way through school and take out loans. There is nothing wrong with that.
Student loans cap out at $7k for the student. Undergrad is $20K room, board, and incidentals at the state university (90 miles away). There isn't a lot closer to us that is cheaper. There are some private schools where she could ciommte, but then there's the cost of commuting and the increase in tuition over in-state.
I understand she can work. I am willing to pay for some of it if she is still living with us, but I also am paying $20k/yr for my DD which is what I have planned for. Adding the difference of $13k * 2 (or 3 fro a masters)is a bit much. I am just trying to find out other options as well.
Maybe she just needs to get her AA degree, and work as a teaching assistant, para-professional, and then go to school after work, getting tuition reimbursement from her employer. Many places do that. I don't see how this girl can afford private college, she needs to go to a local community college, and work part time. Many community colleges now have four year degrees to teach.
She can get a copy of her birth cert from the state records office, and then get a social security card.
You are to be commended for taking her in. Good to look at this from a legal point of view as well.
I think you are looking way too far into the future. She hasn't even graduated HS and you are already worrying about grad school???
Just take it one school year at a time. Help her get all the necessary legal info she needs to live her life independent of her parents and since you say she has a full scholarship, just help out with incidental costs this first year while you can.
Be careful how much attention you pay to this girl. Your own child could get jealous and also tongues will wag. Try to be helpful without getting yourself too harshly regarded.
Thank you
Graduation was in May. Until today I was assuming her getting at least the Pell Grants were a non-issue. I work in an environment where we look at 50 year financial projections and that is the way my brain has been trained to work. This is both good and bad.
Thanks for the tip on my DD. We actually talk every other day about the situation. I don't want the F to feel like Cinderella and I don't want my daughter to feel slighted. So they have the same curfew, responsibilities in the house, ....
While my daughter has faults she has a kind heart. Many of the the spending topics (clothes, hollidays, graduation gifts, ...) were suggested by her. I will not, however, financially jepordize my daughter's education or health.
I tracked down the parents on FB and it is all about them. No mention of kids, lots of crusie pictures. IDK, I am beginning to think the alternative is us or the street. She has no family other than her parents and GPs. But the GPs are aware of the situation as well and do nothing. She has other friends, but it would be the same situation for her. Her father has never met me and he is letting his 18yo daughter live in our house. What kind of person does this? I gave them both rather large bouquets for graduation and it was apparantly the first non-bf flowers she ever got. Made me happy and angry at the exact same time.
Last edited by SadDad; 06-09-2011 at 04:18 PM..
Reason: additional writing
Maybe she just needs to get her AA degree, and work as a teaching assistant, para-professional, and then go to school after work, getting tuition reimbursement from her employer. Many places do that. I don't see how this girl can afford private college, she needs to go to a local community college, and work part time. Many community colleges now have four year degrees to teach.
She can get a copy of her birth cert from the state records office, and then get a social security card.
Thank you. She has a scholarship to the CC for 2 years. Didn't think about the rest.
Are you able to talk to her parents at all? perhaps they are not willing to deal with her but maybe they can talk to you. Definitely get legal counseling. If she's going to be living under your roof there will be questions about who's going to provide her needs before she starts college - health insurance, etc etc.
I imagine you've already done this...but try setting some "ground" rules for her just like you do the rest of the family. This will set her expectations while she's staying with you.
You are a good person for taking her into your home. Other people may have looked they other way and not worry about "other people's problem". Good luck and I hope she is grateful to you as well.
She needs to file as an emancipated minor. It takes a LOT of paperwork but it can be done. Look up the information for your state and help her get the process started. Also, private schools have a lot of money to give and will probably end up being less expensive for her if she can get emancipated minor status. It would also be in her best interest to live on campus if she does because her aid will cover her room and board but if she doesn't it won't cover rent and commuting costs.
Schools don't give tuition reimbursement so the suggestion to work as an aid won't help her in the long run.
That's the link to the Pell Grant website. Very brief summary: she can apply for a grant up to $5,550 (for the current year, which obviously is over, but that's what it was this year).
It is a grant, not a loan, or a scholarship, and does not have to be paid back.
It is needs-based. IMPORTANT: IF SHE IS A LEGAL DEPENDANT OF HER PARENTS - then she will have to get their signatures. IF SHE IS NOT - then she doesn't.
Edited to add: there are a myriad of odd, seemingly random scholarships out there. There's actually a Michael Smith scholarship, if I remember right - that gives up to $1000.00 to students named Michael Smith.
The local library will have a rather large volume of available scholarships in the USA. It's cross-referenced - in alpha order by name of scholarship, plus sections for specific schools, dollar amounts, basis (financial need, academic superiority, handicap, etc).
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