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Can well-meaning parents ruin their children by doing too much for them? Here's an excellent article, and some good food for thought.
Quote:
Paul Bohn, a psychiatrist at UCLA who came to speak at my clinic, says the answer may be yes. Based on what he sees in his practice, Bohn believes many parents will do anything to avoid having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment—“anything less than pleasant,” as he puts it—with the result that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they think something must be terribly wrong.
Consider a toddler who’s running in the park and trips on a rock, Bohn says. Some parents swoop in immediately, pick up the toddler, and comfort her in that moment of shock, before she even starts crying. But, Bohn explains, this actually prevents her from feeling secure—not just on the playground, but in life. If you don’t let her experience that momentary confusion, give her the space to figure out what just happened (Oh, I tripped), and then briefly let her grapple with the frustration of having fallen and perhaps even try to pick herself up, she has no idea what discomfort feels like, and will have no framework for how to recover when she feels discomfort later in life. These toddlers become the college kids who text their parents with an SOS if the slightest thing goes wrong, instead of attempting to figure out how to deal with it themselves. If, on the other hand, the child trips on the rock, and the parents let her try to reorient for a second before going over to comfort her, the child learns: That was scary for a second, but I’m okay now. If something unpleasant happens, I can get through it. In many cases, Bohn says, the child recovers fine on her own—but parents never learn this, because they’re too busy protecting their kid when she doesn’t need protection.
I think of myself as a somewhat modern parent, but not in those terms. I think I am actually somewhere between a "modern" parent and an "old fashioned" parent. From the time DD was a baby, if she hurt herself I would wait it out for a couple of minutes to see if she was really hurt or mostly just scared. Most of the time the little trip and fall scared more than it hurt. My rule of thumb was unless she lost a limb or it was a serious head injury, I should wait and see if she recovered on her own. The only other time I would swoop in was if she fell in a dangerous place and had to get her out of harms way (parking lot, street, etc.). Of course there can be cuddles after the event has passed, but I don't feel the need to cuddle the second it happens.
I also don't have a problem getting down on the floor and playing with her or acting goofy with her and her friends, so there is a friendship level built in. Kids are smart. They can tell the difference between playing and me being the strict parent and her doing what I ask. I haven't lost that respect that kids need to have of their parents, but can still be playful.
I have had many people tell me that she is very independent for her age. Is that because I let her self soothe after falling? Is it because I let her make her own sandwiches after school (including getting the ingredients out and putting them away afterwards) from the age of 2? Is it because I let her be her own problem solver for other every day tasks? Is it just part of her personality? I don't know. All I know is I take parts of what my parents did and parts of what I feel are right for me and combine them until I feel comfortable with my choices.
I do see the parents that swoop in right away and it does shock me because I do wonder what these kids will do when Mommy isn't there to kiss it and make it all better.
I actually work with a 26 year old guy who lives with his parents. When I asked why, he told me that he wouldn't know how to live on his own. His mom called the owner of the company and asked for a raise for her son because he is special and deserves to make more. If he can't take care of himself at 26, who raised him to be that way?
Situations like that do make me worry about the kids today being coddled too much.
I do think this is very true. I see it happen often with parents over reacting when their kid gets a minor injury. Sometimes you'd think the kid broke a bone for all the drama.
I should add I hope this doesn't turn into a debate about how much better things were in the good old days, I don't believe that was the spirit of the article at all.
I should add I hope this doesn't turn into a debate about how much better things were in the good old days, I don't believe that was the spirit of the article at all.
Perhaps. Regarding the example of the toddler. My daughter actually pushed me away so that was my cue to back off.
Personally, parents who do too much don't allow their children to decide for themselves how best to handle a situation. "Now be nice" is something I hear often and I understand the desire for your child to be nice. However, in some situations, it is interfering.
Good find, Zimbo. I've only skimmed it and need to re-read it a couple of times. But I'm feeling better about my own parenting. (Lots of skinned knees. Lots of "Pick yourself up".)
Have to read the article again...just skimmed it. But I can clearly remember when DD was just learning to walk. We had a cedar chest that we used as a coffee table and she fell over and hit her head. I can remember actually thinking "Don't react! Don't react! Wait to see if she reacts first" It was difficult which is why I remember it so clearly to this day - even what she was wearing. But she didn't cry and just picked herself up and moved along.
When I read the title, I thought, UH OH, I have heard my stepson tell me I do too much for the younger kids. He was referring to mostly my kitchen duties....I want to make sure the kids eat well, so I do make breakfast most mornings, and if we are home, I'll make lunch too. It is only in the past year or so that I have left them to their own devices more and more at lunch time. (and of course it's Ramen Noodles & Frozen Burritos!)
But once I read more into the article (at least the portion copied into the post) I realized that while I do correct the kids when something they are doing appears dangerous (running with scissors) I never have swooped them up right away, hovered at the play ground, etc.
As they have gotten older, I do try to let go more, and let them figure things out more....BUT I DO NEED to work on this.
So I am a mix I suppose, most parents probably are.
I think some do too much and some do too little. I think it's always been that way to varying degrees.
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If he can't take care of himself at 26, who raised him to be that way?
