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My son is what I consider "young" for his age emotionally, in that he still seems kind of babyish compared to other boys his age. He did go to a preschool where for the last year there were few kids his own age -- everyone else was younger. Now that he's started kindergarten, I think he will quickly lose that "baby-ness" (which will be good but also makes me a little sad, lol.)
He has always had a temper, but things have been so much worse the past six months. Now, we did just move to the next town over, he left preschool where his friends were, and he started kindergarten, all within a month's time. So I know there are many major changes for the little guy, but things escalated prior to this point.
He just gets so incredibly angry. It can be because we enforce a rule, don't give him what he wants right that second (or just say "no"), and sometimes even if we just ask him a question like "tell me about the kids in your class at school." He will clench his fists, turn red, SCREAM at the top of his lungs, sometimes throw things, sometimes try to hit us (he has been able to control this and will make like he's going to hit us but stop himself), and say he hates us or call us stupid.
I try to not ask him questions about school now, and just let him know I am ready to listen if he wants to talk. When he gets so mad we try to physically remove him from the spot and go somewhere else to calm down. My husband will hold him and talk to him about how much better it feels to have a calm body and a calm mind. Sometime it works pretty well but not always. We affirm his anger: "I see that you are very angry about me saying no to more cookies" (well, said in a less therapist-like way).
When he is calm, we try to talk to him about ways we can handle our anger that are acceptable. He shuts right down and says, "don't talk to me."
His preschool teachers said he was quick to anger but also quick to get over it. The anger seems to last longer at home.
I just want him to learn how to better deal with his feelings -- it's painful to see him SO incredibly mad an upset.
He may not like to be held or touched when he's upset, and that could make it worse. It also sounds like he is getting a lot of attention for his negative behaviors. Is he getting at least the same if not more for being good? I'd have him evaluated by a developmental psychiatrist because it sounds like something more is going on. I'd also look into having an in home behavior counselor work with him. It already sounds as if you're scared of him because you're not even asking him about school anymore. He's only going to get bigger, and stronger. Get help for him ASAP!
The reason I'm not asking him about school is I read about this approach in the book How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk. The idea is that pressuring them to talk about something can make them shut down, but if they know you are ready to listen at anytime, they feel free to open up when they are ready. It's actually worked (and works great with my 11 year old). He spontaneously told me about new friends at school on Friday.
My first instinct when he has a tantrum is to tell him that if he wants to behave that way he needs to do it alone in his room. It's hard to know what to do. I don't want him to think he's being punished for his feelings, but his behavior is unacceptable.
The holding thing: it's weird -- for a time when trying to get him to sleep he'd get really hyper in bed and once in a while one of us would resort to holding him in the bed. He would fight for a little but then relax and go to sleep. It's almost as if it was a relief for him. But it's not like he doesn't get lots of hugging and positive touch during the day.
He's a very shy kid, too, and I think really needs some help with confidence. We do give him lots of positive attention, but obviously we're not doing something right. Mother's guilt sucks.
I think I will start with speaking with the school counselor, and take it from there. It may well end up we have a full-blown eval.
And pursue evaluations for learning disabilities via the school AND evaluations for physical and mental disabilities via medical doctor and mental health professional.
There is definitely a paternal-side history of Asperberger traits. His dad certainly is along that continuum but is not a clinical "case" so to speak. But DH has no problem expressing his feelings or showing affection (DS is a cuddle bug and makes good eye contact, too). So in my head I've ruled that out as a potential issue (though wth do I know?) DS's cousin does have undiagnosed Asperbergers IMO -- the poor kid is brilliant but relates much better to adults and is teased unmercifully. I fee lawful for him.
I've thought about karate. He takes gymnastics now and LOVES it. I will read the link on karate.
Thanks for the input, everyone.
He may not like to be held or touched when he's upset, and that could make it worse. It also sounds like he is getting a lot of attention for his negative behaviors. Is he getting at least the same if not more for being good? I'd have him evaluated by a developmental psychiatrist because it sounds like something more is going on. I'd also look into having an in home behavior counselor work with him. It already sounds as if you're scared of him because you're not even asking him about school anymore. He's only going to get bigger, and stronger. Get help for him ASAP!
Yes, misbehaving may be getting him a lot of attention and he may actually be acting up because it gives him a sense of control when everyone drops everything to hold him and have a long understanding conversation with him.
If one of my kids was acting like this, I'm give a quick slap on the rear end and tell him to straighten up, but a time out might also work. The problem with giving a lot of time and attention as a reward for bad behavior is that it encourages bad behavior.
Yes, misbehaving may be getting him a lot of attention and he may actually be acting up because it gives him a sense of control when everyone drops everything to hold him and have a long understanding conversation with him.
If one of my kids was acting like this, I'm give a quick slap on the rear end and tell him to straighten up, but a time out might also work. The problem with giving a lot of time and attention as a reward for bad behavior is that it encourages bad behavior.
Totally agree. The OP described a lot of attention being given for negative behavior.
My son never had problems controlling his anger at home or in the classroom. He struggled with how to properly respond to playground bullies.
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