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I started a thread about holding back my 4 1/2 yr old daughter from kindergarden because i dont think she is at where she needs to be - at least hear the pros and cons.
I stepped back and started to think why - I think all of this has to do with her confidence or lack thereof. I believe I as the father may be the culprit in all of this. Since we started in daycare and have noticed her moving up there was always a resistance to change and it seemed she would have a hard time transitioning. I think i made it worse but helping her MORE than I should - I have in fact probably coddled her too much. I help her get dressed every morning, I help her put her shoes on, I help her go to the bathroom, etc, etc.
So i realize that I may be part of the problem - However that being said, it seems like she is wired to be reall overly sensitive.
So what do I do now? I am who I am, what do I need to do to change my behavior and help my daughter change hers? I dont notice myself doing these things to my 16 month old - I think she manages herself much better than my other daughter did at this age.
again - I am not sure where to go for advice so I thought I would start here and get suggestions. thanks for your help.
I'm not sure that I'd necessarily link confidence and maturity. My youngest was very lacking in confidence, but she was always fairly mature for her age, to make matters worse her older brother has confidence to spare. I think it's a parent's natural instinct to protect and help our kids, whether they need it or not, so don't beat yourself up about it. Does she get anxious?
I realized most important was to gently nudge her outside of her comfort zone, but know when to stop pushing. If my daughter had had her way she would have stayed at home and never participated in any activities or gone to birthday parties, etc. I was sure to always go with her to activities, but she couldn't stay with me, she had to participate with the other kids.
If she is not involved in activities, ask her what interestes her, but make it clear that there is no quitting. Same rules apply for other things too. Be firm, but supportive. It gets better.
Every child has a different personality. She may just be a little less confident, a little shyer and more unsure than your younger daughter. No need to blame yourself for this. Let her develop at her own pace and don't worry too much- she's only 4 1/2- the self confidence might come when she's 6 or 7.
You can't instill confidence in another person. That confidence has to be discovered. Find activities where she will have reasonable success after a bit of a struggle, don't go overboard on the praise and let her discover what it means to achieve. That will be the best confidence boost False praise will do just the opposite. They know that it was not difficult to put their dishes in the dishwasher and if you make a huge deal about it, your praise becomes worthless. Save it for the big things. You can thank her for putting her plate in the dishwasher but don't gush about what a big girl she is because she can do that.
I'm not sure where you think she should be? Do you mean you don't think she is meeting "milestones" for her age? Or is she just shy? Doesn't like being away from home?
At this age she isn't going to like going anywhere without her parents, a lot of kids don't. I was lucky not to have to do daycare, but on the other hand then you don't usually deal with separation anxiety later. Kindergarten is usually a transition for most as well.
Getting use to being alone and trusting others is just difficult period. Every kid does it at their own pace. I have 3 and one is still shy, doesn't like going out much and she is 19. I have a little boy who is bummed when I pick him up, he loves his independence. It really isn't your fault because they are all little people and have their own personalities. Guilt sucks, don't do that to yourself or her, it's a waste of time. Just do what you have to and help her adjust according to her own needs and personality. Allow her to be different, it's ok to be.
I always new it was hard for my daughter, she was quiet, very obedient and afraid of repercussion. Still is, and I'm a mellow parent so it didn't come from me. I just think of the positives, she never gets into any trouble, she is sweet, helpful, really responsible. I try not to emphasize the negs, like when she was clingy, upset, nervous and wanted my help more than her siblings. If anyone made a snide comment about her hugging my leg I would just say something positive back and move on like, "yes, she is my little snuggly kid."
After 3 kids and several years I realize now that you just have to do your best according to who they are. You don't make the kids after they come out, they are made the first nine months. If only that were possible, just think of how perfect all our children would be. lol You can only guide each one depending on their needs. One might be nervous, shy, one might be really active, and full of energy. The only thing you recognize are the genes you've passed on. You can't teach that out of them. Just help them lean on their good qualities and don't encourage them to dwell on the bad ones.
Relax, ignore the negatives and teach her to do the same. There is always good and bad, black and white, to every situation. Just look for the good part, help her build her own confidence by seeing her good side and don't dwell on what she isn't doing or how she is fitting in with others. Others are probably dealing with similar things you just can't see. All kids have their "issues."
I agree with "golfgal" though. Don't overly gush on her. Just a thanks, or really nothing unless a special task that warents it is done. Gushing actually has the opposite effect on kids from what I've experienced. If you are hesitant to send your daughter somewhere or praise her for small everyday tasks she might think you don't think she can accomplish much and when she does everyday tasks someplace else and gets no gush that she isn't doing them well enough. Being polite is good, a thanks or excuse me, but the "wow, that's soooo great isn't doing her any favors later. She will just wonder why nobody else is doing them.
If it's milestones you can be a little more laxed on those as well as long as it isn't that far off or dangerous. IMO of course.
P.S. I think most parents help their kids with getting dressed, going to the bathroom, etc. A lot of kids have accidents well into 1st grade sometimes, just get use to that one. The nurse keeps extra pants in there for a reason. You are not alone. Stop worrying so much, it's all within normal in my opinion.
Something that worked with my children- I let them 'overhear' me telling their Dad something they had done well. This isn't the same as gushing over them.
Three easy things to do right away, starting tomorrow: Let her pick her clothes out even if they are mismatched. Make a fuss about her good fashion sense Go to the library and have her ask the librarian a question herself, such as, "Where are the Junie B. Jones books?" Finally, go to the store and have her pay and get the change and say, Thank You.
Every child has a different personality. She may just be a little less confident, a little shyer and more unsure than your younger daughter. No need to blame yourself for this. Let her develop at her own pace and don't worry too much- she's only 4 1/2- the self confidence might come when she's 6 or 7.
I agree with this....and the great advice right above
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You can't teach that out of them. Just help them lean on their good qualities and don't encourage them to dwell on the bad ones. 
Go to the library and have her ask the librarian a question herself, such as, "Where are the Junie B. Jones books?" Finally, go to the store and have her pay and get the change and say, Thank You.
