Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Can't say what you should do, but what I would do is tell my son to not go near him again. Point blank: they can't be friends because this other boy can't be friendly. I'd use the situation to teach him, "When you act that way, you lose your friends, one way or the other". I'd then focus all the mental energy I'd been spending worrying about my son's physical well-being on working to get him some new friends.
Not sure if I would do anything to minimize how often my son played in the front yard (for fear the other boy would come over and start trouble and/or I'd have to get into a feud of sorts with his parents because of it). On the one hand, it's your kid's right to play in his own front yard and neither of you should have to "hide". On the other, if the boy comes over and starts trouble, anything you do or say could make things worse between you and your neighbors. Far better to become strangers or acquaintances than to become enemies.
You can't control anyone elses' kid but you can control your own.
Tell your son he can play on your property and no where else, and that J is not allowed over.
Hopefully J's parents will ask you why, and you can tell them your concerns.
I know you are going to say "my kid should be able to play where/with whom he likes and this cul de sac has always been safe" - well things change, your Mayberry has now changed. If you want to keep your kid safe you need to ban J from coming anywhere near him.
Futher, this sort of thing ALWAYS happens when there's 3 kids. Two will always gang up on the third. It's just the way it is.
This sounds like great advice.
J threw a ROCK at your child's HEAD! That is not a joke, if DS would have been hit in a slightly different spot, or with a slightly bigger rock, or at a closer distance he may have been KILLED!
I certainly wouldn't let my DS to play with J even if J was the only boy in 15 miles. Perhaps, in a year or so, you can reconsider and try again if J has matured.
Tell your son to stay away from J. They are 2 years apart, so as they get older they will probably develop different sets of friends anyway even if they still live nearby.
It's a good life lesson for your son. Sometimes you should try to work things out with your friends even if you don't always agree. Sometimes when a person is violent/vicious you should avoid them and move on with your life. There is no point in holding onto toxic friendships. You could press charges but it's not worth the time and possibly escalating things with your neighbors.
Has J been back since this incident? It sounds like you took care of it and until J gets the knock on the front door from your son he should know to stay clear. How does your son feel about J after getting hit in the head with the rock does he want to play with J? Ask him? You may be suprised he probably does not want to. I ask my children and if I have a bad feeling (which I would in this situation) I would try to find out why they would will still want to play with someone that hurt them physically. Or he may want to go out and play with the other boys and when he see J let him know that if it appears that J is getting mad that he needs to come inside. Kids do know when other children are getting upset and it will teach him how to see those warning signs. If he does not know when you are talking to him about how to spot those warning signs help him to see them. Sit outside for a while (a month til the new baby comes) just oversee your son and if J comes out see if you can spot and help your son know when it is time to come in so there is no confrontation. Don't let your son feel like he is intimidated by J and cannot go out front anymore to play with his other friends. Good Luck!
Has J been back since this incident? It sounds like you took care of it and until J gets the knock on the front door from your son he should know to stay clear. How does your son feel about J after getting hit in the head with the rock does he want to play with J? Ask him? You may be suprised he probably does not want to. I ask my children and if I have a bad feeling (which I would in this situation) I would try to find out why they would will still want to play with someone that hurt them physically. Or he may want to go out and play with the other boys and when he see J let him know that if it appears that J is getting mad that he needs to come inside. Kids do know when other children are getting upset and it will teach him how to see those warning signs. If he does not know when you are talking to him about how to spot those warning signs help him to see them. Sit outside for a while (a month til the new baby comes) just oversee your son and if J comes out see if you can spot and help your son know when it is time to come in so there is no confrontation. Don't let your son feel like he is intimidated by J and cannot go out front anymore to play with his other friends. Good Luck!
These are good points. They may be more useful in a tight knit community like your street than just keeping DS inside. But, I still wouldn't let him play with J alone.
When kids stop playing with him J, he may realize that he needs to play nicer to keep friends.
... I personally would go up to J and threaten that you will call the police if he EVER touches your child again. Scare the heck out of him. Does your son have school friends he can invite over? Are there other opportunities to play and socialize with other kids? What are your summer plans? Hopefully he will have places to go away from the cul-de sac. Good luck.
You know, I hadn't thought about scaring J. I have to think about that one. It's not normally my way, but I think that might work with him. He might test it, but I would absolutely follow through... and if his parents get mad - we've tried to tell you a dozen times! Interesting...
DS doesn't even go to the local school, so yes, he has lots of friends and plenty to do. I'm very pregnant though, so we will be laying low this summer. I really don't see a lot of inviting DS's friends over to play with a new baby. Most of his school friends are pretty wild. But we keep busy in the summer. DH and I both work from home.
The issue is more that the other kids will be outside playing when we're home. There's no missing it. We're in very close quarters. I'd rather move than try to keep DS inside when his friends are out. It wouldn't be fair.
Thanks for the responses. It's reassuring to hear that I'm not over-reacting.
DS has lots of other friends and a social life outside of playing with the neighbors, but it's just not possible for us to have friends over all the time. His school friends are all pretty far away and pretty high maintenance. DH and I both work from home so even though we're here, we're often working and not really able to manage a house full of kids. We're having a baby and laying low this summer. DS spends lots of time at his grandparent's house and will be plenty active over the summer. But there's just no avoiding that the court WILL be full of kids in the evenings and DS WILL want to go play with them and J WILL be there too. It is just plain not feasible for us to keep J and DS apart forever and always, short of moving. Our street is even set up where they all have to rotate yards - one has the trampoline, one has the playground, one has the pool. And they spend most of their time in the street which is common area. I can't control who goes there and I'm not going to tell my son he has to sit inside and watch his friends play because J is out there. The other kids are all free to run around as they wish, but DS has to stay in his yard because that's the only place I can say J absolutely is banned from? No. J doesn't get to win by being mean. That's not a life-lesson that I'm going to teach DS.
It's been rainy since this happened, so we haven't had an issue yet. DS doesn't want to see J right now but says he would like to be his friend again one day. We had a long talk about what a friend is and what it means to be a friend. DS has a very firm grasp of the situation, he always has, and I don't think he feels like a victim, which is good. All the kids seem to have a pretty firm grasp on the issues with J. They don't necessarily like to play with him. But we've also taught them it's not nice to exclude people.
I think I'm just going to have to have a real conversation with J's parents about it. Actually, I'm thinking about just asking to talk to J's mom, who usually stays inside and sends J's dad on outdoor patrol. I'm hoping we can talk mom-to-mom about my concerns and that she will hear me and not immediately get defensive. If they can't handle it, so be it.
DH is a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. DS hasn't been interested in taking any martial arts, but he has learned a lot from Daddy. I know he *can* defend himself, but he's always had an internal right/wrong sensor and I think that keeps him from hitting back. The ironic thing is that J is supposed to test for his black-belt next month. DH has said we could set down the expectations with J about how he will behave when he is around our son. If he breaks the rules, DH will go tell J's dojo that he is using violence in anger and he will not be allowed to get his black-belt. I think if the conversation with J's mom doesn't go well, that will be our next step.
Although, if the conversation with J's mom doesn't go well, I can imagine they would keep to themselves. They would likely keep J inside to keep from having to face the rest of us outside. I just wouldn't want it to turn into a battle over friendships, with us on the losing end. It would really be like a divorce and I'd rather move than be ousted by our neighbors. As with any relationship, there are politics involved, ya know?
i disagree with the talking directly to J without his parents' approval. Like the idea of talking mom to mom or dad to dad or couple to couple. like the idea of coaching son that if J acts up, then he is to disengage and come inside.
Usually, in the past, what worked for me was to give the offender 'the glare' just as bad behavior was becoming evident. Gave child the chance to back off the bad behavior. Which meant, yes I was outside watching and observing the whole time. But I was anyway.
I'm really at a loss and not sure what to do. We live on a small cul-de-sac, 6 houses, and it's generally been a great place to live. We have a 7yo son and each next-door neighbor has a 9yo boy. We'll call the neighbor boys "J" and "B". There are other kids around, some older kids on neighboring blocks that come over here too, but J, B and DS have been friends for almost 6 years. Our court is very close-knit and we often feel very lucky to have such great neighbors. Many summer evenings have been spent with the kids all eating dinner outside together while the parents grill, have beers and help play flashlight tag. All-in-all, life is good here.
Except for one child - the one I call "J".
J has always been a little bit of a problem - he can never admit to losing, is always accusing others of cheating, has no impulse control and is constantly getting yelled at by his parents. J's parents spend a lot of time threatening punishment, but rarely is there a lot of follow-through. On more than one occasion they've blamed his age, or made a 'boys-will-be-boys' comment. We all wonder if they realize he's the only one acting that way. It's been a topic of conversation for years on the court, but has also been brought to our attention by many of our friends and family who visit us and witness the dynamic next door. J's dad can often be seen chasing J around the circle, trying to get him inside, usually culminating in a spanking and lots of crying, only for him to be back outside playing 10 minutes later, with no better behavior to show for it. The older he gets, the worse it gets and now J's behavior is getting scary.
The grown-ups usually try to stay out of the bickering about who was first and who cheated - especially now that the boys are older. Often we're not even outside watching anymore. It used to end in name calling, or worst-case, the breaking of a toy that belonged to DS. However, increasingly the disagreements have been culminating in physical aggression by J, generally aimed at DS. DS and J can play without other kids around for hours and be fine, and B and J are in the same class at school and hang out all day together with no problem. We know DS and J bicker a lot when they play alone, but since it's one-on-one and no one comes out the 'victor', they just keep playing and arguing about who did what. Competition is J's way of being. There always has to be a winner. Everything is a race or a competition. And he always has to win or the other person must have cheated... DS doesn't behave that way unless he's with J.
J and DS are usually the first ones outside in the afternoon. But as soon as a third kid, or more, gets out there, all hell breaks loose. When there is more than one kid around to corroborate that J is 'out' or got 2nd place or that he cheated, I think J feels attacked, like they're ganging up on him. And he takes it out on DS because he's the smallest, easiest target. Often, before the aggression, J will come up and tell his dad that the others are picking on him. Many times DH and I have gone to talk to the other kids to ask that they all play nice and we generally hear from them that J is the cause, which we know because we've seen it play out hundreds of times. Once play resumes, it's within about 10 minutes that DS gets injured. It's usually minor, the yanking of a toy out of his hand or a basketball to the gut, and J usually gets forced to apologize and dragged inside. The older boys try to do their best to protect DS, they have always been good to him, but that probably makes J feel even more like everyone is picking on him. He's just never been taught to handle those emotions appropriately, and I get that, but how do I protect my son?! (J is adopted, BTW, whether or not that makes a difference.)
The aggressive moves have been escalating and the final straw was yesterday. J threw a rock at DS's head at close range. I can't stop fuming. According to the boys, it was the same story... J didn't win, they called him out, so J picked up a rock, walked up and threw it at DS's head, hitting him, making him bleed and creating a huge bump. DH and I were sitting in the family room talking when we heard screaming and ran to see what it was. When DS told us that J had thrown a rock at his head, I saw red. But I stayed amazingly calm, especially considering I'm 8 months pregnant, I took a deep breath and announced to J that his behavior was unacceptable while DH knocked on J's door to let his dad know. J started the 'but he ...' blah-blah-blah's until DH sternly said 'I don't care WHAT he did' and J got quiet. J's dad came out as usual, asked J what happened and tried to get him to apologize. I told J, in front of his dad, that he was not welcome to play with DS until I said it was ok - that DS would knock on his door when he was ready to see him again. Of course, J reacted negatively to his dad and there was some chasing and spanking, but we had already gone in to attend to DS's head.
I don't know what to do now. I'm tired of it and don't want DS to see J anymore. J's parents are obviously incapable of handling this, but it's not my place to tell them how to raise their children either. I'm pretty sure that approaching them to talk about it would create hard feelings and change a lot around here. We're friends... and in very close quarters. They're just in denial and I don't think I'm in the position to change that - as much as I would like to. Am I supposed to punish DS and tell him he can't go out to play with his friends because of J? I can't keep J from playing outside. Or do I watch for J to come out and then pull DS in? He doesn't really want to see J right now anyway, but I think that will change within the week. It's coming up on summer - there's just no way to keep them apart without starting a feud. And it doesn't matter whether parents are out watching or not. J's parents are oblivious to what's really happening and J has no problem doing things like this right in front of them. Or us. In fact he get's a little gleam in his eye when he does bad things in front of grown-ups. DH gave DS permission to hit J back next time, once, real hard and then walk away and tell us, to show him that he's not an easy target, but I'm not sure DS has it in him. He's never hit anyone in his life, except when he's play fighting with daddy.
My worst fear is that next time it will be something worse... a bigger rock, a baseball bat... it makes me cry just thinking about it.
Had a similar situation when my kids were little. I talked to the parents and they did not care until after their kid assaulted my son for the last time as he could have been seriously hurt I called the police.
They were totally on my side and went and talked to the parents and told them that we could press charges against their son and that this was a serious matter and they needed to step up or their son could be arrested
It did wonders believe me!
A anonymous call to CPS because they are questionable as parents might also get them family counseling which it sounds like they need and maybe the parents will have to take a parenting class as well.
Stand Tall for your kid YOU are all they have! Don't let them feel like you are letting them down and backing away because you are neighbors this is a teaching moment.
Hang in there.
Thanks for the responses. It's reassuring to hear that I'm not over-reacting.
DS has lots of other friends and a social life outside of playing with the neighbors, but it's just not possible for us to have friends over all the time. His school friends are all pretty far away and pretty high maintenance. DH and I both work from home so even though we're here, we're often working and not really able to manage a house full of kids. We're having a baby and laying low this summer. DS spends lots of time at his grandparent's house and will be plenty active over the summer. But there's just no avoiding that the court WILL be full of kids in the evenings and DS WILL want to go play with them and J WILL be there too. It is just plain not feasible for us to keep J and DS apart forever and always, short of moving. Our street is even set up where they all have to rotate yards - one has the trampoline, one has the playground, one has the pool. And they spend most of their time in the street which is common area. I can't control who goes there and I'm not going to tell my son he has to sit inside and watch his friends play because J is out there. The other kids are all free to run around as they wish, but DS has to stay in his yard because that's the only place I can say J absolutely is banned from? No. J doesn't get to win by being mean. That's not a life-lesson that I'm going to teach DS.
It's been rainy since this happened, so we haven't had an issue yet. DS doesn't want to see J right now but says he would like to be his friend again one day. We had a long talk about what a friend is and what it means to be a friend. DS has a very firm grasp of the situation, he always has, and I don't think he feels like a victim, which is good. All the kids seem to have a pretty firm grasp on the issues with J. They don't necessarily like to play with him. But we've also taught them it's not nice to exclude people.
I think I'm just going to have to have a real conversation with J's parents about it. Actually, I'm thinking about just asking to talk to J's mom, who usually stays inside and sends J's dad on outdoor patrol. I'm hoping we can talk mom-to-mom about my concerns and that she will hear me and not immediately get defensive. If they can't handle it, so be it.
DH is a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. DS hasn't been interested in taking any martial arts, but he has learned a lot from Daddy. I know he *can* defend himself, but he's always had an internal right/wrong sensor and I think that keeps him from hitting back. The ironic thing is that J is supposed to test for his black-belt next month. DH has said we could set down the expectations with J about how he will behave when he is around our son. If he breaks the rules, DH will go tell J's dojo that he is using violence in anger and he will not be allowed to get his black-belt. I think if the conversation with J's mom doesn't go well, that will be our next step.
Although, if the conversation with J's mom doesn't go well, I can imagine they would keep to themselves. They would likely keep J inside to keep from having to face the rest of us outside. I just wouldn't want it to turn into a battle over friendships, with us on the losing end. It would really be like a divorce and I'd rather move than be ousted by our neighbors. As with any relationship, there are politics involved, ya know?
I think you're under-reacting and teaching a kid to be "nice" means allowing another child to physically injure him is just teaching him it's okay to let someone do him physical harm.
This kid is a violent bully and has already seriously injured your child. I don't think you should allow your child anywhere near him -- being alone doesn't have to be viewed as horrendous, so horrendous that it's better to associate with a violent individual.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
