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Ok, point taken. So go save her. Ignore the court orders, the judge, the LAW and take her from her momma. See how fast you get tossed into jail...that's what dad is up against.
Please spare me the drama queen antics. It's perfectly obvious why this situation is so awful when the adults are all behaving like children. If visitation is ordered by the court, then the child comes over at the alotted time, end of story. She needs the influence of her father. If the child engages in inappropriate behaviors, then the mother and father get together, with mediation if necessary, and decide on discipline. What are the issues with the friends? If there are behavior complaints, then keep a record. Complaints from school? Keep a record. Insist on a new therapist, and if possible the child and both parents go. There are many pro-active things to be done that do not conflict with the courts.
I feel really badly for your step-daughter. Thirteen is a rough age to have a mom that doesn't care, a dad that is giving up and a stepmom who's ready to bail out too. Sounds like this poor girl got the really short end of the stick.
Hope your husband finds some way to help her. Although I'd be pretty worried about my husband's character if he's ready to turn his back on his own 13 year old daughter and write her off as a lost cause. Please think carefully before the two of you have any kids together.
I beg your pardon if I misunderstood, but that certainly made it sound that way.
You came here looking for advice. You are only responding with any interest to people who are telling you to stick to the path you are on. If you don't want to listen then that's fine, if you don't like what I have to say, then more power to you - because whatever it is you/your therapists/your counselors and your family friends are telling you to do is not working.
You may not be the entire issue, but you are part of it, and nothing's going to change that. All kids react in different ways to families breaking up. To think that you have zero part in this is naive to the extreme. I'm not saying you are a negative part of it on purpose, or that you didn't have good intentions.
gentlearts may be correct in that your husband doesn't have the skills to turn this around. But neither does his ex wife, obviously. I hope things do pan out in that after the hormones recede she'll come around, if you choose to just let her steer. I also hope that nothing serious happens to her before that occurs.
Contrary to what you believe, I'm not trying to badger or belittle you, or make extreme suggestions for the sake of it. This child is in real trouble, and I'm trying to get you to see that it may take a totally out of the box approach to fix. I think at this point you need to consider all and every possible way to make a change, even if it's totally distasteful to you at first.
Best of luck, I hope you find something that works, for all your sakes.
I think you and I are just not connecting correctly. I agree that she's in real trouble. The ONLY advice I was asking for was how to get the communication back between the two. I wasn't asking for anyone to solve the issues we have, because frankly, no one here knows the entire story. I've left out tons that this little "innocent" kid has put us through and some of the nasty, manipulative lies she's told. It's so extreme that she even asked her dad a few months ago, "So when are you planning on dying anyway? I need money and mom said all your money when you die will come to me!" Talk about hurt...
The facts remain that we can't just take her away from her idiotic mother. Even if Steven and I weren't together and he was alone, he couldn't just take her away to live with him.
All I asked was for help on how to initiate conversation between the two of them, because *I* don't think it's healthy that they go weeks without talking or seeing each other. Everyone else then chimed in about how horrible we are, how screwed up the kid is, everything we're doing is wrong, etc. A select few have actually provided some insight and helpful suggestions. That's really all I wanted. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless of what a bunch of strangers post on a discussion board. I just couldn't think of any way to get the two of them talking and that's why I posted.
If he could force the mother to parent her daughter instead of being her buddy all the time, follow through with consequences and discipline, be structured and set boundaries - we'd have a fighting chance to help turn this kid around. But this woman is impossible to get through to. She didn't seem to think anything was wrong with these two teens having phone sex, saying that "she didn't want to know the dirty details, they're not being physical, so who cares?" THAT is the type of mentality she has. Of course, she took away her phone for 2 days and then felt sorry for her and said "she needs her friends" and gave it back.
Steven has tried till he's blue in the face to get through to this woman that she's NOT doing this kid any favors by being her friend. See the wall over there? Go over and bang your head on it till you bleed. That's what talking to this woman is equal to.
Trust me, if there were some magic wand we could wave over the situation, take the girl and raise her the way we'd like to (with rules, consequences, boundaries, LOVE and security), it would've already happened. Steven has said that Glenda is going to be Z's downfall and since she refuses to even talk to him anymore, what else can he do? He can't force this woman to do a thing!
I feel really badly for your step-daughter. Thirteen is a rough age to have a mom that doesn't care, a dad that is giving up and a stepmom who's ready to bail out too. Sounds like this poor girl got the really short end of the stick.
Hope your husband finds some way to help her. Although I'd be pretty worried about my husband's character if he's ready to turn his back on his own 13 year old daughter and write her off as a lost cause. Please think carefully before the two of you have any kids together.
She'll be 14 in a couple of weeks and yes, it's a very tough age, but again, this kid is not entirely innocent either. She manipulates to get her way. She does it to everyone, including her teachers, therapists and friends. She's lost a boatload of friends over the past year because they all call her "too bossy and she lies too much".
Dad's not giving up. He's maintaining contact. Per the advice of a highly recommended therapist, he's taking things slow to rebuild a good relationship so maybe he can have a positive influence on her and she can start coming over again.
I'm not ready to bail or I wouldn't have married him last month. I'm here, regardless of what happens. This marriage will work because other than this issue, he and I have no others. We have a wonderful, loving, open and honest relationship. He's not turning his back on her. He was frustrated after months and months of her excuses, dramatic scenes, ignoring him and basically behaving like a 2 yr old. He got frustrated. He's human. He's now seeking therapy.
We're not having kids together. He only married ex because she got pregnant and then he got snipped. He didn't want any more children with that woman, and I can't blame him!
There it is in a nutshell. A flippant attitude towards both the poster and the step-daughter.
Do you really want to help this girl? Are you doing all this for HER or because she a messed-up kid who is making your life difficult? You knew going into the marriage what the story was. You chose where you are now.
I haven't read one word from you saying you love her and you want to help her. I have read a lot of complaints that she's bratty. Of course she's bratty! She's a 13-year old kid from a broken home with two birth parents who seem to not want to pull up their grown up pants and fix what they created. You want to know why she's having sex? Because he pays attention to her. He's probably the one guy in her life who isn't constantly telling her she's a screwed up mess of a kid.
Everyone connected to her needs to grow the heck up and realize this is about HER, not them. She's 13 not 32 and this can be fixed if everyone admits they need to come to the plate for HER... not to make their own lives easier. Because this is going to take a lot of hard work. Is she worth it? I hope to god you think she is.
(BTW: Until then she's going to take "love" where she's finding it right now. Sleeping with her boyfriend. Buy diapers because if this train wreck isn't stopped that's what next for all of you.)
Your husband is the adult here and her father. I don't care how long this has been going on. This is his daughter!!! Tell him to man up. You, however, need to stay out of it with HIS daughter. I don't know how old she was when the two of you married, but the general rule is that a step child will start to see a step parent as an authority figure when the parent and step parent have been married as long as the child was old at the time of the marriage. If she was 8 when the two of you got married this means never.
This little girl has daddy issues and only daddy can fix that. If he doesn't, pregnancy is next. Talk about drama and having the spot light!!
I would recommend your husband start by taking his daughter on dates, without you. It sounds like she needs some 1:1 time with her dad. Once they figure out their relationship, you can figure out where you fit. Most likely that will not be in the role of step mother.
I will pass on what my mother told my brother when he was 12 and decided he hated our step father. She looked at my brother and said "That man is MY husband and you WILL give him the respect due to MY husband." She never made us call him dad or accept him as an authority figure. She was our parent and he was her husband. I came to accept him as my dad but my brother, who was only two years older than me never did. I was in my teens before I got there. We were 7 and 9 when mom married my step father.
It is up to your husband to enforce that she treat you with respect. You don't make rules, you don't enforce rules. He makes the rules and he enforces them. You are his wife. Period. If you want to have a girls day and go get your nails done, have at it but you're not her mother.
I completely disagree that OP should not be seen as an authority figure in her own home. I expect my friend's children and my children's friends to obey my rules in my home, thus making me an authority figure. Step-parent or not, it IS OP's home and she should be respected as such.
Please spare me the drama queen antics. It's perfectly obvious why this situation is so awful when the adults are all behaving like children. If visitation is ordered by the court, then the child comes over at the alotted time, end of story. She needs the influence of her father. If the child engages in inappropriate behaviors, then the mother and father get together, with mediation if necessary, and decide on discipline. What are the issues with the friends? If there are behavior complaints, then keep a record. Complaints from school? Keep a record. Insist on a new therapist, and if possible the child and both parents go. There are many pro-active things to be done that do not conflict with the courts.
We've DONE that...she was coming over for a full week every other week. That schedule worked for none of us for a ton of reasons, so at her request we altered the schedule. Now THAT isn't working because we live so far away from her buddies and she doesn't even want to take 2 hours to have dinner/visit with her dad. I do believe mom has had way more of a negative influence and we both know she's talking all kinds of crap about dad to this girl. She mentioned something in a group therapy session that dad had to call out as a flat-out lie and Z said "well, mom insists on it". So we know that Z's mind is being poisoned against us by mom.
Mom flat out refuses to talk to dad. Period. You want to talk about a childish woman, she's the one to point your finger at. She will look him dead in the eye and say La lalalalalala, I can't hear you! as he's trying to have a serious discussion with her. If it's not something that benefits her (oh she is all ears when it comes to anything regarding $$$$) she flat out doesn't care.
There are no complaints from school or friends. No records here to keep. School sends home progress and report cards. She has no behavioral issues at school so far. It's still summer here so she's out for now, but there were no issues last year.
The therapy route has gone this way:
Dad, mom & Z went to Therapist A for 1 month. Then Z alone for 1 month. Then dad and Z alone for 1 month. Then Z alone for 6 mos. Then the three of us for 1 month. Got new therapist after it was discovered that when Z was going alone, she was simply "exaggerating" to get sympathy or attention and the therapist bought into her lies.
Z and Dad go to Therapist B for 1 month. Then z and mom for 1 month. Then Z alone again. Dad goes occasionally to be sure things are on the up and up. More lies are discovered. Dad refuses to force counseling any longer since the kid clearly isn't benefitting from sessions.
Now dad alone is going to his own therapist who says to take things slowly and rebuild again...
That she complains about your holding hands and kissing in front of her.
Not for nothing but you are not the victim here. If you want them to be alone together, than don't go out with them, or go to a movie when she is with her father, whatever.
OP is his WIFE and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her holding her husband's hand in front of anyone. Sounds like husband's "D"D needs to be put in her place. Pronto.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12
Then stay out of it. Why do you have issues with her? It has nothing to do with you. I lived with a teenage ***** from hell for three years...she barely acknowledged my existence...that is what you get when you blend families. She probably is angry that your daughter is there full time. She hates it all..and just wants it to go away...stay out of the mess.
OP has issues with her because she is causing her husband major issues. Wouldn't you?
I completely disagree that OP should not be seen as an authority figure in her own home. I expect my friend's children and my children's friends to obey my rules in my home, thus making me an authority figure. Step-parent or not, it IS OP's home and she should be respected as such.
I agree with you but this really has never been an issue since usually when Z is over, I'm either out of the house or secluded in my bedroom. I try to give them their time. She basically acts like I don't exist whenever we are together. I'll ask her how her week went, I get a nod of the head or an "OK". I try to bring up her new favorite band/color/tv show/movie. All I get is a short reply, quick answer and she walks away...
She can be snotty and rude, don't get me wrong. And I've raised my voice or displayed anger toward her ever, even when she's made me mad as Hell. I have told her I am finished with this conversation and calmly walked away.
OP is his WIFE and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her holding her husband's hand in front of anyone. Sounds like husband's "D"D needs to be put in her place. Pronto.
OP has issues with her because she is causing her husband major issues. Wouldn't you?
THANK YOU! Finally, someone sees that this girl actually isn't as sweet, pure and innocent as everyone else seems to think!
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