12yr old nephew molested 6yr old niece. What to do now? (teaching, son)
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That's where a *specialized* therapist comes into play. They don't coerce, but let the child feel it safe enough to talk about it. Most of the time family (if they have visits) and fosters are not allowed to talk about it.
One of the reasons there will be suspicion that he was is the mother's relationship with this man. Another is that instead of finding a twelve year old girl, he paid his attentions to his six year old sister. If someone did something to him, its likely it was when he was that age. If the man is being abusive, to the mother, he won't ever go back to that family if he's there.
I sincerely hope that the boys mother is offered help to try to pull her out of this relationship, but of course in the end the only one who can decide that is her.
Forgive me, but now I am very confused. I was under the impression that the boy's mom was once in relationship with an abusive man (the boy's dad) who is no longer in the picture. Now she is in a new relationship which is healthy with a man who has older children. I am mistaken? The new guy is abusive too? Thanks for clarifying.
Hello all and thank you for your help and advice in this matter,
Well, what can I say? Life has changed since earlier today when I found out from my sister that my 12 year old nephew was arrested for molesting my 6 year old niece. So far, what I know is that he has exposed himself in front of her and had her remove her clothing and was rubbing up against her. I have one other niece that is 8-9 yrs, and a nephew that is 5yrs. As far as we know, the 6 year old girl is the only one to have been victimized. Both girls were taken to a doctor today to determine if they had been penetrated (results indicated they were not). As of now, the 12yr old is in a juvenile detention facility until his court appearance in a few days.
I'll try to provide some background on the children and familiy...
As you may have guessed, my sister and her four children came from an abusive home. My sisters ex husband was a big time loser who was verbally and physically abusive to my sister. Finally, she had enough and left him and has had full custody of the children since (he has since fled the state to avoid paying child support). The divorce happened roughly 4 years ago.
Since about 6 or 7 years of age, the eldest (the perpetrator of the incident) has displayed negative behavior toward his siblings. Not in a physical manner although on occassion he would push or shove as kids do, but more verbally. He was always a real smart-aleck with them and enjoyed annoying them. Most of the time we would tell him to knock it off and that was that.
When this incident happened, my mother sat down with him and asked him why he did what he did to his sister and his answer was that she "made him do it". In recent times he has become increasingly hostile toward his siblings and his answer to his actions is always that they "made me do it" because of something actual or percieved.
As for the other children, they are completely and totally fine. Happy, playful and social with eachother, doing great in school, etc, while the 12 year old is the complete opposite. As of now, we don't yet know if he (the perpetrator) was molested himself, however, looking back on it I do have my suspicions as my sisters former husband hung around with some very questionable individuals and was himself, a questionable individual.
We are at a loss as to what to do right now. My sister (said childs mother) works at a crisis center for battered and abused women and children so she is seeking help there. She is a single mother of 4 and recieves aid from the state to help out so she does not have endless amounts of money to spend on a decent therapist and I am very skeptical of what the county can offer in terms of a decent therapist.
What will happen? Will my nephew ever be allowed to come home again? Should he ever come home again or will he have to live his life until adulthood in an institution? Can he be rehabilitated or is he now doomed to fail at life? If he does come home after therapy/rehab, will he re-offend? Is he a lost cause?
If anyone can help with advice or personal experiences and/or point me in the direction of resources I would be greatly appreciated.
At 12 a kid can still change quite a bit. Find out about his health coverage. If he has Medicaid see if there is a specially-certified sex offender's program that takes it. Call your local community mental health center and see what they have to offer, or where else they can refer him for treatment. Just any counselor won't be enough. You need a specialist, and one with a good success record working with juvenile sex offenders. I hope the center where mom is working can give her the same information, but be ready to look further.
Meanwhile, start looking into who might have taught him to do this.
At 12 a kid can still change quite a bit. Find out about his health coverage. If he has Medicaid see if there is a specially-certified sex offender's program that takes it. Call your local community mental health center and see what they have to offer, or where else they can refer him for treatment. Just any counselor won't be enough. You need a specialist, and one with a good success record working with juvenile sex offenders. I hope the center where mom is working can give her the same information, but be ready to look further.
Meanwhile, start looking into who might have taught him to do this.
Also, inlist the CPS worker for help. They can sometimes speed up the process. Usually they are heavily booked since there aren't a lot of them. Instead of makeing the worker the enemy, let them help as much as possible.
Hello all and thank you for your help and advice in this matter,
Well, what can I say? Life has changed since earlier today when I found out from my sister that my 12 year old nephew was arrested for molesting my 6 year old niece. So far, what I know is that he has exposed himself in front of her and had her remove her clothing and was rubbing up against her. I have one other niece that is 8-9 yrs, and a nephew that is 5yrs. As far as we know, the 6 year old girl is the only one to have been victimized. Both girls were taken to a doctor today to determine if they had been penetrated (results indicated they were not). As of now, the 12yr old is in a juvenile detention facility until his court appearance in a few days.
I'll try to provide some background on the children and familiy...
As you may have guessed, my sister and her four children came from an abusive home. My sisters ex husband was a big time loser who was verbally and physically abusive to my sister. Finally, she had enough and left him and has had full custody of the children since (he has since fled the state to avoid paying child support). The divorce happened roughly 4 years ago.
Since about 6 or 7 years of age, the eldest (the perpetrator of the incident) has displayed negative behavior toward his siblings. Not in a physical manner although on occassion he would push or shove as kids do, but more verbally. He was always a real smart-aleck with them and enjoyed annoying them. Most of the time we would tell him to knock it off and that was that.
When this incident happened, my mother sat down with him and asked him why he did what he did to his sister and his answer was that she "made him do it". In recent times he has become increasingly hostile toward his siblings and his answer to his actions is always that they "made me do it" because of something actual or percieved.
As for the other children, they are completely and totally fine. Happy, playful and social with eachother, doing great in school, etc, while the 12 year old is the complete opposite. As of now, we don't yet know if he (the perpetrator) was molested himself, however, looking back on it I do have my suspicions as my sisters former husband hung around with some very questionable individuals and was himself, a questionable individual.
We are at a loss as to what to do right now. My sister (said childs mother) works at a crisis center for battered and abused women and children so she is seeking help there. She is a single mother of 4 and recieves aid from the state to help out so she does not have endless amounts of money to spend on a decent therapist and I am very skeptical of what the county can offer in terms of a decent therapist.
What will happen? Will my nephew ever be allowed to come home again? Should he ever come home again or will he have to live his life until adulthood in an institution? Can he be rehabilitated or is he now doomed to fail at life? If he does come home after therapy/rehab, will he re-offend? Is he a lost cause?
If anyone can help with advice or personal experiences and/or point me in the direction of resources I would be greatly appreciated.
Just noticed this. This is why the assumption he was molested would be made. If the shift in behavior at six was sudden, *something* happened which was traumatic. That he chose his six year old sister, not one older and more likely beginning to develop, if a giant red flag waving in the wind.
The idea is that when a child is sexually abused, it puts an emotional 'marker' in their development. Some of their identity stops and if untreated, grows stronger. An adult male who molests who was molested will pick victums the age he was first molested, since in his emotional center, he stopped there. He can go through the motions with adult women, but he identifies with children.
It's telling that the 12 yr old has lately again become hostile and used the line which perhaps his abuser told him. It's a classic, to transfer 'fault' to the child so they shut up and never say.
The three times a victum is at most risk is puberty, adulthood/marriage, and when their own children are born since in some way it recaptures the memory.
Forgive me, but now I am very confused. I was under the impression that the boy's mom was once in relationship with an abusive man (the boy's dad) who is no longer in the picture. Now she is in a new relationship which is healthy with a man who has older children. I am mistaken? The new guy is abusive too? Thanks for clarifying.
Ok, reviewed the posts. I was under the impression there was doubt about the current relationship. I misread something. The thing is, given that they suspect they'll look at her relationship with a fine tooth comb with both the abuser and her current husband. And that the boys behavior changed when he was six, when the abuser was there. That others have moved in will be looked at too. But as women who are abused *tend* to find someone else who follows the pattern, the assumption would be she might have again.
And if its discovered that he was abused by his father, then she's got the guilt load of not noticing. She needs good therapy too, but that wonder if things had been different, if she would have seen will never dissapear.
Actual child abuse has only been a crime for a short amount of time in this country.
You may or may not realize that the first case of child abuse prosecuted in 1874 had to be prosecuted under animal abuse laws because there were no laws against abusing children.
I do realize this. I'm not sure what the point is.
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Imo, the biggest problem today is the work overload. Case workers have far too many cases and too little training in dealing with them.
That can be a problem, but I don't see it as the biggest problem. A bigger problem is that those who gravitate to this career tend to be fanatics and have unrealistic ideas about children (a disproportionate number of them seem not to have children) and bizarre beliefs about abuse.
I do realize this. I'm not sure what the point is.
That can be a problem, but I don't see it as the biggest problem. A bigger problem is that those who gravitate to this career tend to be fanatics and have unrealistic ideas about children (a disproportionate number of them seem not to have children) and bizarre beliefs about abuse.
And way too many people who have degrees, but no actual adult experience as a parent feel kids can't be monsters, just because they're kids.
Sexual predators don't get better... at anything other than hiding their crimes.
I'm wondering how this all turned out for you? I've recently came into a very similar situation but between my two children. My 12 year old now sits in a detention center awaiting trial. My cade was a little more severe as there was a little more touching involved. BUT I'm still interested to see what happened to your nephew?
My 12 yr old was cought the 1st time touching himself in his bed while his 5 yr old sister was in her bed in the same room and we explained to him that it is ok to do that but not in the room with your sister then he was cought again a couple weeks latter at my moms watching tv with her in moms room under the blanket with his arm around her and i flipped the **** out and told what had happened to me and how it had ****ed my life up so bad and that he didn't want that to happen to her and he was sorry and it would never happen again and then today his step mother tells me that he was cought kissing his other sister who is 7 yrs old under the blanket while he was touching himself and his dad and her flipped out and same thing sorry and it will never happen again. What do i do? And what would be making this happen please help i am losing my mind
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