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Long story short, apparently I suck as a parent and as a human being. I love my son with all my heart and want nothing but the best for him. He is 8 years old and hates my guts. I made a lot of choices in the first 8 years of his life that are proving to be bad choices. Choice 1: I was offered a chance to go to school and not have to pay rent so I would have more time with him. I took the offer and earned my AS to MBA and now am unemployable since I have a large gap in employment. BUT as a result of me staying home ( at least I like to think it played a part) my son is in the gifted program and tests 3 grades above his level. Choice 2: I was looking into Seattle for work and so we took a trip up there in April and now he wants to move there but I cannot find a job there so now he blames me for being "too stupid" to get one. Choice 3:I took my savings and moved us into an apartment thinking I was going to be able to find a job after I earned my MBA...boy was I stupid. Rather than going to the homeless shelter after savings ran out I moved us in with my mother who offered a bedroom in her apartment. It is VERY small but at least he has a rook over his head and a clean place to live. I do NOT want to live here and it is killing me. If it was just me, I would sell everything I had just to be able to leave. He blames me for losing "His" apartment. Choice 4: While looking for work I volunteered in his classes at school. I have done that for the past 3 years and the kids really have improved.
I tried to get help with housing but the waiting list is 4 years long. I was told that I do not qualify for some assistance programs because I already have my GED. We see kids at his school being given coats, food, clothes, toys, and everything else they want because they are "poor" but he doesn't qualify because he is not part of that community program. I applied to and was interviewed for 3 jobs last week and was turned down for each one because I was not bilingual. I asked about a housing program we have for families and was told I did not qualify because I was not at risk for having my son put in foster care.
I am sooooo depressed and really know that his life would be better without having his bum of a mother in it. I love him dearly and he hates me for all my choices. I put him first and helped him get a great start. I know he really wants our own apartment again and I do to but I can't do anything about it without a job. I would be happy just making poverty level. He gets so mad at me most of the days. He has gone back to yelling, hitting, and throwing things at me like he did when he was 2. His teachers only see the nice sweet boy who tries hard and I get the demon child. Somedays I really feel like giving up altogether and letting him move on with his life.
How do other parents get out of this rut? I am sure I am not the only one that feels like lovong your child is a one way street. Things can't really get any worse.
And tell your son that the two of yous are in this together and that it will work out for the best. He also needs to keep his eyes open and take what he can to learn from this as well. You on the other hand, need to not accept your son's bratty behavior and smack him down. It doesn't have to be physically, but ultimately, the message needs to come across that his behavior is wrong.
Some people will turn to religion for support and inspiration boost. Is there one in your community like that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by operaphantom2003
Long story short, apparently I suck as a parent and as a human being. I love my son with all my heart and want nothing but the best for him. He is 8 years old and hates my guts. I made a lot of choices in the first 8 years of his life that are proving to be bad choices. Choice 1: I was offered a chance to go to school and not have to pay rent so I would have more time with him. I took the offer and earned my AS to MBA and now am unemployable since I have a large gap in employment. BUT as a result of me staying home ( at least I like to think it played a part) my son is in the gifted program and tests 3 grades above his level. Choice 2: I was looking into Seattle for work and so we took a trip up there in April and now he wants to move there but I cannot find a job there so now he blames me for being "too stupid" to get one. Choice 3:I took my savings and moved us into an apartment thinking I was going to be able to find a job after I earned my MBA...boy was I stupid. Rather than going to the homeless shelter after savings ran out I moved us in with my mother who offered a bedroom in her apartment. It is VERY small but at least he has a rook over his head and a clean place to live. I do NOT want to live here and it is killing me. If it was just me, I would sell everything I had just to be able to leave. He blames me for losing "His" apartment. Choice 4: While looking for work I volunteered in his classes at school. I have done that for the past 3 years and the kids really have improved.
I tried to get help with housing but the waiting list is 4 years long. I was told that I do not qualify for some assistance programs because I already have my GED. We see kids at his school being given coats, food, clothes, toys, and everything else they want because they are "poor" but he doesn't qualify because he is not part of that community program. I applied to and was interviewed for 3 jobs last week and was turned down for each one because I was not bilingual. I asked about a housing program we have for families and was told I did not qualify because I was not at risk for having my son put in foster care.
I am sooooo depressed and really know that his life would be better without having his bum of a mother in it. I love him dearly and he hates me for all my choices. I put him first and helped him get a great start. I know he really wants our own apartment again and I do to but I can't do anything about it without a job. I would be happy just making poverty level. He gets so mad at me most of the days. He has gone back to yelling, hitting, and throwing things at me like he did when he was 2. His teachers only see the nice sweet boy who tries hard and I get the demon child. Somedays I really feel like giving up altogether and letting him move on with his life.
How do other parents get out of this rut? I am sure I am not the only one that feels like lovong your child is a one way street. Things can't really get any worse.
Wow ,I really feel for you. My suggestion is twofold: individual therapy for you, as you obviously seem depressed. And therapy for you son, and you, depending on what his therapist suggests.
I agree with Inkpoe and Lawmom - your defeatist attutide right now - is not going to help you turn things around.
Although it's harder right now ~ because you might be feeling guilt and depression ~ you should not allow your 8 year old to treat you in this manner.
Depending on your religious beliefs - a good church with a good youth program could help your son learn to be grateful of what he has; or at least not so disdainful.
Individual and family counseling sounds like a good idea as well.
The kid needs to learn you are actually rich and quite well off. That is you both have a roof over your head and food to eat!
Others are not so lucky. Search google.com for the words extreme poverty, then click on "Images".
Also you have made the right decisions, and in any case, you are entitled to make WHATEVER decisions you so choose. It is not your fault there are few jobs.
You will eventually find a job, and whatever job that happens to be (even working at McDonalds) is just something the kid will have to learn to accept.
Don't let him dictate to you what is the right thing to do. Just do the best you can under the circumstances. If he does not like it, well too bad!
You can't move to Seattle as you can't find a job there. Period, end of discussion!
You can't get your own apartment now because you don't have a job. Period, end of discussion!
The kid needs an attitude adjustment. Find someone with a LOUD voice, preferably a strong male type or a mother who had 8 kids (they had the loudest yelling voices in my neighborhood growing up! ) and have that person let your son know how he should be treating his mother (who is doing the best she can).
I would start off with... YOU DON'T TALK TO YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY!
Some police departments have officers who will come out when they are not busy and help in these situations. Give kids a bit of a "talking to". The next time he does anything physical, give them a call (if you don't know anyone with a loud voice).
Another idea is to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. They help to build housing for low income people... But they have many construction types volunteering there. I'm sure many of them would have a loud voice! (And would be good male role models.)
You have to put yourself in the position of the adult in the household. Stop sharing so much with him. He is a child, not a confidant or a friend. You are responsible for making the choices, and your main mistake as I see it is in letting him think he has a say in how you manage your family. Expect him to be upset with your choices. If everything were turning out well for you, he would find something else to hate you for. He's 8 years old!
The real question of when his opinion will matter is once he is an adult, supporting himself. Then and only then can he understand the challenges that you face now. Until then, just keep telling him that you are doing the right thing for his best interest, not his happiness. If you think it might put things in perspective, show him the situation of children who are much worse off than he is and tell him that he should be grateful instead of spiteful.
One example that I can think of immediately is 14-year-old Malala Yusufzai who is lying in a hospital bed being treated for head wounds in Birmingham, England after having to be airlifted there following an assassination attempt by the Taliban who issued a fatwa on her for her efforts to allow girls in Pakistan to go to school. SHE has every right to complain, but she is not doing so. Instead, she is allowing her status to be followed by people around the world who are supporting her cause. Maybe he could be one of them rather than whining about the choices that you are making with HIS best interest at heart.
Our kids also hated the decisions that we made for them while they were children. Now that they are grown, they have thanked us for them. You just need to keep telling yourself that. Quit giving him ammunition and start expecting him to comply. If he wants to complain, tell him to keep a journal. One day he can go back and read it and maybe then he will understand.
Posters have already given great advice above. While it is a nice idea to give young children some say in family decisions, it is unwise to include them in decision making too early on to just set them up for disappointment. When you know change is imminent, then include them by giving them choices that are realistic.
For an 8 year-old you have given your son way too much input and power. Step up and be the adult.
I am wondering if you talk down about yourself in front of your son. I am wondering where he got the idea that you are stupid and make bad decisions, when you are doing everything you can to give him a better life. I just have a feeling that you have allowed him to put you down because you believed what he was saying. You need to be the mom, be the leader, and show him what you have done for him, and teach him that he can't talk to you that way.
You are a smart woman with a college degree (MBA!), a roof over your head, food on the table, an incredibly bright kid and a supportive mom/grandma. Sounds like you are doing pretty darned good to me.
Things aren't perfect, things never will be "perfect" - they never are for anybody. But you've got the important things and now it's just a matter of getting yourself out there and going on more job interviews.
Active job seeking is way harder than actually going to a job. Give yourself some credit - what you are doing is hard work. Make it a point to learn from all of your job interviews and improve your presenation skills each time. Keep looking, eventually the right opportunity will come to you.
operaphantom203...I don't see that you did anything wrong, you did what you felt was best at the time, and you certainly shouldn't be apologizing to your son for those choices...you don't do you?, I hope not but I'm thinking you probably do or he wouldn't have such feelings of entitlement...I'm thinking that when he says you're "too stupid" to get a job, he's repeating what he heard, maybe from you?...I can't see a child thinking like that otherwise...Children usually look up to their parents unless those very parents are continually voicing their feelings of failure or shortcomings...if you think positive your son probably will too, but YOU have to set the example....goodluck operaphantom203, love yourself and everything you do.
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) and have that person let your son know how he should be treating his mother (who is doing the best she can).
