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sorry but kids are going to get scraped up no matter what. now maybe he is laissez because he didn't strap them up like he was supposed to, and you need to talk to him about it. i'm sorry i am not there so i cannot say you're being ridiculous or he needs to stay away from the babies. also it sounds like he's a big kid himself if he's taking things from the baby just for the hell of it, or he's taking away things from the baby because he is trying to teach him a lesson. so either you don't like his discipline and you think he is over the top and too strict and abusive, or you're being overbearing, over protective, "soft", and you coddle your children. you both need to find some type of equal grounding.
My 3 year old is NOT ALLOWED to walk in a store without being in a cart strapped, because I cannot afford to pay damages, nor do I have time to restock the shelves; and because I am also aware there are other shoppers there too, and don't have a need to make their shopping experience unpleasant. This is a big no no for me. Sure they get scraped, but this was because of an adult negligence. Every time I leave them home with him one scrapes something! I find that odd.
I am the disciplinarian here. (unfortunately). I am tired of being proved right too.....I keep my kids drinking and eating at the table. All the time. He comes home and lets them eat on the couch: the result: MILK on the iPad. $629+tax damage. Then he did not enforce no liquids around the laptop: the result: $1300+tax damage. The iPad was saved by the rice, the laptop is dead. I warned repeatedly about this. He comes home and overturns all the manners I try to teach every day. It is maddening. I am not soft, I ground them, but I don't do it without explaining: "cause & effect"/"choice & consequence". Otherwise what's the point? He yells without giving a reason...He doesn't discipline which is my biggest problem because if the kids ONLY hear from me not to eat and spill food on the couch, they'll hate me, and love him because he is allowing them to be pigs! Why do we have tables then? He is NOT supportive of teaching manners, because he was not taught any. THAT is why we have an issue. I am very organized, I was an only child, he was a middle child, and he basically escaped with everything, while I grew up organized, neat, and always used good manners. I am not obsessive of anything, and I can leave the kitchen dirty one night...but why would I? to wake up in the morning to a hot mess? why would I want that? I believe that kids DO indeed learn by example, and now, he makes me look bad in front of them by asking them to do their little chores, homework, and be neat, clean, and respectful of others, etc because he just doesn't care for any of that!
"Why did you marry him?" Sometimes I ask myself that....LOL.....Kidding, he can/was/could be a very good guy...but he refuses too; he has an uncontrolled yelling issue coming from his father which is the worst human being on this planet, who hates women, and treats them like garbage, as in shows NO respect for them, or support of any kind, and of course also yells, and thinks its: "OK"! He too is VERY disrespectful to his 3rd wife, who works to support him! Go figure!
He grew up with that; while I grew up with a father who was the greatest gentleman in the world who respected women greatly, and was bringing my mom a rose every day!!!!! He also has a HUGE misplaced pride that is VERY annoying since it has no base. One has to DO something to be praised!? not fish for compliments for doing nothing. Married for 12 years...3 kids total...He is saying it snidely..(is that a word?) not nice...There is no communication....he doesn't KNOW how to communicate effectively. He thinks that by yelling, and making nasty comments he is going to get whatever he wants. Oh yeah, and he also thinks that by going to work is doing us a favor!? and that entitles him to be a jerk to us all. I am SAHM now, not always, I am career/goal oriented person, so what's the big deal about working? everyone has to work, and house chores are still yours regardless of working or not! THAT is not an excuse to be a jerk, and minimize what I do now just because it doesn't have a paycheck at the end of the month! He treats me like he only married me so he doesn't have to do dry cleaning! Literally. I don't find "work" as a good excuse to be a jerk to your own family. Nor do I find it appropriate to judge me by how things were in the 50's! (per his dad's idea's)!
This is just typical 50's behavior IMO, minus the yelling maybe. He wants to come home, throw his clothes on the floor, (literally) eat, and watch TV, with complete disregard to everyone else around! That is exactly what his father did. I have to put the kids to bed before he comes home so I don't have to hear him yell at them for not brushing their teeth fast enough!
Basically he wants to look good on his dad's eyes, that's my final conclusion! He goes: "I am not yelling at them, I am yelling at you"??? even though they are right there...or as if the kids were deaf or something (they're not)......I am beyond my boiling point right now, (hence the lawyer comment), because before marrying him NOBODY yelled at me ever! He bullies me, yells non stop, like for example he'll start talking to me while I am in the kitchen (water could be running), and he is in the living room, with the TV is on....so God forbid I didn't hear him...he'll start yelling!!!!! which is odd considering that he is deaf in one ear, and just for that he should have an understanding of people when they did not hear something! on the flip side, I always, and I mean always repeat myself if he doesn't hear me, all though I don't start conversation 4 rooms apart! because my dad couldn't hear either, so i have no issue repeating myself...the goal is for whatever is being talked about to be heard......Right? nope, he will yell in a mean spirited way, and make additional immature comments on that as well!
He is also not defending our family at all when needed, and so forth....here's a much better example: His dad wanted us to go to his house for xmas...now NC is not known to get loads of snow in the winter so the kids can play outside...this is a VERY remote town with NOTHING to do for kids; the result: kids got to spend 3 full days (xmas included) listening to his father yelling at them every 5 minutes for something else...so we basically spent the weekends saying: "please get off the furniture, stop this, stop that". Furniture as in a couch...not climbing on dressers of whatever else...He, (both of them actually) expected that our 3 kids will sit on a couch for 3 days not moving, not eating, not talking, and act like figurines. That was not a big house, and it was raining the whole time too!!! I knew it was a bad idea to begin with, but I didn't say much about it, I figured let them learn the hard way! I said NOTHING. My kids love to be outside, and if there are no toys around....what are they going to do? he put on "Undercover Boss", and some other shows that are not kid friendly! plus my kids never watch TV in a marathon way...but neither of the grandparents wanted to play games, his dad least of all; he does the same when we visit him at his normal house...so, we know...but I swallowed it...kids had a miserable time! and my husband played "Where's My Water" all weekend and yelled at me when I interrupted him because I needed a break from saying: "please stop this, or that"! Oohh yeah, and I also had to listen on how he was going to "cage them" next time they came!!!!!! (they are 8, 6 1/6 and 3) Why in the world did you invite us? how can you expect 3 kids to act like statues for 3 days? who else has that expectation? of course i made one mention of this to him, and clearly explained without yelling, that this is really not optimal and his dad should have known this from the start"; the result....more comments that "I" didn't want to have a good time!" WHAT? I can have a good time...I have Call Of Atlantis on my phone! but there is only so much I can enjoy saying: "stop this, stop that, lets read this book again"!!!!!!!!! Plus they have no internet so at least we could have done Netflix or something...To much lack of common sense! my dad would have never done this as he would have weighted in all options, and had plan A, plan B, and C, so that everyone has a good time, the whole time! Not here, instead, he used this as another occasion to yell, make threats, and so on.
Tell me about it! I just want peace! Plus, I was never opposed to it, considering the type of family environment I come from. My parents never argued, and were VERY respectful and supportive of each other, and each others careers. AND My parents had HUGE careers. The problem with him is that this would be a "blow to his ego"! His ego comes before kids, and everything else! Here's another example: he prefers to spend 13 hours at Disney, so that the next day he's to spent to go to a church and meet people. In 12 years we know no one!
Thank you for giving more details. Yea now WHY did you marry this guy and decide to procreate with him thrice?? But anywho, with all that you just divulged I think you should seek lawyer counsel.
I don't even speak about my ex in the way you speak about your husband. You sound like a total and complete control freak who keeps a ledger of every little slight or event that does not go as you would have it to go and are capable of regurgitating that ledger at any time.
There is nothing moral much less moral always about your behaviour.
I am not overbearing, but he is not nice as in he always has to make threats, as in taking stuff away (I do too but in context not for the hell of it), he is mean as in either the 3 year old doesn't do what he tells him and he will start yelling basically! I am tired of listening to the yelling! there is no NICENESS. I mean, OK we all get aggravated, but there has to be an actual reason, me trying to read our kids a story shouldn't be an excuse to make nasty comments...he didn't want to read a book, he wanted to go take a bath, so i went to read a book! what's the big deal!? and no, I don't trust him one bit....he took the kids out shopping one day and he allowed for my little guy to get hurt, scraped his head in some crap at the store! THAT because he didn't put him in a cart...unacceptable to me. Sorry. I can't trust people who cannot communicate without yelling, and who think high and mighty of themselves without backing it up.
We cannot afford counseling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morals Always
"Why did you marry him?" Sometimes I ask myself that....LOL.....Kidding, he can/was/could be a very good guy...but he refuses too; he has an uncontrolled yelling issue coming from his father which is the worst human being on this planet, who hates women, and treats them like garbage, as in shows NO respect for them, or support of any kind, and of course also yells, and thinks its: "OK"! He too is VERY disrespectful to his 3rd wife, who works to support him! Go figure!
He grew up with that; while I grew up with a father who was the greatest gentleman in the world who respected women greatly, and was bringing my mom a rose every day!!!!! He also has a HUGE misplaced pride that is VERY annoying since it has no base. One has to DO something to be praised!? not fish for compliments for doing nothing. Married for 12 years...3 kids total...He is saying it snidely..(is that a word?) not nice...There is no communication....he doesn't KNOW how to communicate effectively. He thinks that by yelling, and making nasty comments he is going to get whatever he wants. Oh yeah, and he also thinks that by going to work is doing us a favor!? and that entitles him to be a jerk to us all. I am SAHM now, not always, I am career/goal oriented person, so what's the big deal about working? everyone has to work, and house chores are still yours regardless of working or not! THAT is not an excuse to be a jerk, and minimize what I do now just because it doesn't have a paycheck at the end of the month! He treats me like he only married me so he doesn't have to do dry cleaning! Literally. I don't find "work" as a good excuse to be a jerk to your own family. Nor do I find it appropriate to judge me by how things were in the 50's! (per his dad's idea's)!
This is just typical 50's behavior IMO, minus the yelling maybe. He wants to come home, throw his clothes on the floor, (literally) eat, and watch TV, with complete disregard to everyone else around! That is exactly what his father did. I have to put the kids to bed before he comes home so I don't have to hear him yell at them for not brushing their teeth fast enough!
Basically he wants to look good on his dad's eyes, that's my final conclusion! He goes: "I am not yelling at them, I am yelling at you"??? even though they are right there...or as if the kids were deaf or something (they're not)......I am beyond my boiling point right now, (hence the lawyer comment), because before marrying him NOBODY yelled at me ever! He bullies me, yells non stop, like for example he'll start talking to me while I am in the kitchen (water could be running), and he is in the living room, with the TV is on....so God forbid I didn't hear him...he'll start yelling!!!!! which is odd considering that he is deaf in one ear, and just for that he should have an understanding of people when they did not hear something! on the flip side, I always, and I mean always repeat myself if he doesn't hear me, all though I don't start conversation 4 rooms apart! because my dad couldn't hear either, so i have no issue repeating myself...the goal is for whatever is being talked about to be heard......Right? nope, he will yell in a mean spirited way, and make additional immature comments on that as well!
He is also not defending our family at all when needed, and so forth....here's a much better example: His dad wanted us to go to his house for xmas...now NC is not known to get loads of snow in the winter so the kids can play outside...this is a VERY remote town with NOTHING to do for kids; the result: kids got to spend 3 full days (xmas included) listening to his father yelling at them every 5 minutes for something else...so we basically spent the weekends saying: "please get off the furniture, stop this, stop that". Furniture as in a couch...not climbing on dressers of whatever else...He, (both of them actually) expected that our 3 kids will sit on a couch for 3 days not moving, not eating, not talking, and act like figurines. That was not a big house, and it was raining the whole time too!!! I knew it was a bad idea to begin with, but I didn't say much about it, I figured let them learn the hard way! I said NOTHING. My kids love to be outside, and if there are no toys around....what are they going to do? he put on "Undercover Boss", and some other shows that are not kid friendly! plus my kids never watch TV in a marathon way...but neither of the grandparents wanted to play games, his dad least of all; he does the same when we visit him at his normal house...so, we know...but I swallowed it...kids had a miserable time! and my husband played "Where's My Water" all weekend and yelled at me when I interrupted him because I needed a break from saying: "please stop this, or that"! Oohh yeah, and I also had to listen on how he was going to "cage them" next time they came!!!!!! (they are 8, 6 1/6 and 3) Why in the world did you invite us? how can you expect 3 kids to act like statues for 3 days? who else has that expectation? of course i made one mention of this to him, and clearly explained without yelling, that this is really not optimal and his dad should have known this from the start"; the result....more comments that "I" didn't want to have a good time!" WHAT? I can have a good time...I have Call Of Atlantis on my phone! but there is only so much I can enjoy saying: "stop this, stop that, lets read this book again"!!!!!!!!! Plus they have no internet so at least we could have done Netflix or something...To much lack of common sense! my dad would have never done this as he would have weighted in all options, and had plan A, plan B, and C, so that everyone has a good time, the whole time! Not here, instead, he used this as another occasion to yell, make threats, and so on.
Tell me about it! I just want peace! Plus, I was never opposed to it, considering the type of family environment I come from. My parents never argued, and were VERY respectful and supportive of each other, and each others careers. AND My parents had HUGE careers. The problem with him is that this would be a "blow to his ego"! His ego comes before kids, and everything else! Here's another example: he prefers to spend 13 hours at Disney, so that the next day he's to spent to go to a church and meet people. In 12 years we know no one!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morals Always
My 3 year old is NOT ALLOWED to walk in a store without being in a cart strapped, because I cannot afford to pay damages, nor do I have time to restock the shelves; and because I am also aware there are other shoppers there too, and don't have a need to make their shopping experience unpleasant. This is a big no no for me. Sure they get scraped, but this was because of an adult negligence. Every time I leave them home with him one scrapes something! I find that odd.
I am the disciplinarian here. (unfortunately). I am tired of being proved right too.....I keep my kids drinking and eating at the table. All the time. He comes home and lets them eat on the couch: the result: MILK on the iPad. $629+tax damage. Then he did not enforce no liquids around the laptop: the result: $1300+tax damage. The iPad was saved by the rice, the laptop is dead. I warned repeatedly about this. He comes home and overturns all the manners I try to teach every day. It is maddening. I am not soft, I ground them, but I don't do it without explaining: "cause & effect"/"choice & consequence". Otherwise what's the point? He yells without giving a reason...He doesn't discipline which is my biggest problem because if the kids ONLY hear from me not to eat and spill food on the couch, they'll hate me, and love him because he is allowing them to be pigs! Why do we have tables then? He is NOT supportive of teaching manners, because he was not taught any. THAT is why we have an issue. I am very organized, I was an only child, he was a middle child, and he basically escaped with everything, while I grew up organized, neat, and always used good manners. I am not obsessive of anything, and I can leave the kitchen dirty one night...but why would I? to wake up in the morning to a hot mess? why would I want that? I believe that kids DO indeed learn by example, and now, he makes me look bad in front of them by asking them to do their little chores, homework, and be neat, clean, and respectful of others, etc because he just doesn't care for any of that!
I did not read any of this, but judging by the sheer length, the occasionally all-caps words and all the exclamation marks, I would advise your husband to get a lawyer.
If you are looking for some sort of confirmation that he is acting inappropriately then yes, he is a jerk.
It must be very frustrating for you to have someone as a partner who is the complete opposite of your values. I am not sure if it was always this way for you or if it has happened over time, but it sounds like you might be better off getting a divorce. I am all for counseling but it will only work if both parties want to make changes and it sounds like he isn't interested.
You and your children deserve to live in a "bully-free" environment. Someone who undermines your authority, yells constantly, belittles you and doesn't ever take your opinion into account is a bully. I don't live in your house and don't know his side of the story but is actions sound abusive (verbally and mentally). This is going to affect your kids and I am sure that you don't want them to grow up and act the same way.
I know that you say that you can't afford counseling but there are some ways to get that help for free, even if it is only you that attends. Perhaps your church has a program or even a mediator to help you decide if the marriage is worth saving.
Good luck and I hope that everything turns out for the best.
Are adults good parents just because they are adults? Does everyone know how to parent? Upon the birth of their first child do people enroll in a class on how to be a parent? Fact is, very few people are good parents or even have any idea.
Counseling, and if he won't do that, separation (for the sake of peace) until he does. He has issues, obviously, but so do you. Your litany of gripes is half serious stuff (constant yelling/screaming, threats, playing video games all day) and half petty nit-picking (not strapping toddlers in a grocery cart, food in the living room, etc etc.). You can't change his mis-behavior, but you can stop the nit-picking and prevent his angry reactions.
Oh, and he's not your dad. Get that through your head. You'll never, ever be happy in this marriage no matter how much he changes until you stop comparing your husband to your father.
I'm wondering ... as for the yelling, do you yell at him when he yells at you or the kids? I wonder how much yelling is due to needless e-s-c-a-l-a-t-i-o-n.
If you are both willing, you can save your marriage and save your children from becoming another broken home statistic. Get some counseling together, read books together, meet with other couples from church together, support each other in the struggle to be better parents and spouses. Informal counseling with a good pastor or priest should be much cheaper than psycho-therapy.
Last edited by WesternPilgrim; 01-08-2013 at 05:42 PM..
My 3 year old is NOT ALLOWED to walk in a store without being in a cart strapped, because I cannot afford to pay damages, nor do I have time to restock the shelves; and because I am also aware there are other shoppers there too, and don't have a need to make their shopping experience unpleasant. This is a big no no for me.
This paragraph speaks volumes. Does your husband have any say about what his 3 year old is or isn't allowed to do? Why do you assume that he would have zero responsibility for paying damages or stocking shelves? I've had my toddlers walk around with me in various stores over the years many times without incident. And I'm not irritated in the least when other little ones are wandering about. What's the big deal here?
Anyway, this is not to deny that your husband has things to work on ... I'll take your word for it ... but next time you might consider thanking him for shopping and spending time with the kids rather than jumping down his throat when he gets home from the errand. Even if he didn't do it your way. The dysfunction in your relationship is coming from two directions.
Last edited by WesternPilgrim; 01-08-2013 at 05:22 PM..
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Ok ok
....LOL.....Kidding, he can/was/could be a very good guy...but he refuses too; he has an uncontrolled yelling issue coming from his father which is the worst human being on this planet, who hates women, and treats them like garbage, as in shows NO respect for them, or support of any kind, and of course also yells, and thinks its: "OK"! He too is VERY disrespectful to his 3rd wife, who works to support him! Go figure!