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You have no justification for intruding on your daughter's privacy.
How does a child get to 12 years of age and not have any kind of life outside of her room? Why would a parent not encourage her to get involved in something, anything? Reading is great, but not to the exclusion of developing social skills and friendships.
Something is wrong in this scenario.
If you want to know what is happening in her life, ask her. Is there no conversation around the dinner table?
Why is she supposed to write in her diary? Maybe she doesn't want to keep a diary. Ever think of that?
Let's see. She's holding hands with a boy: normal. She's shaving her legs: normal. She's not writing her innermost thoughts in a diary she was given. (Not bought with her own money because she wanted it.) Also normal.
And you're going to toss her room? Because she's..... normal? Wow.
I can promise you one thing: You toss her room now, for acting like a 12-year old, and she'll know you don't trust her. She'll also know you snoop for no reason what so ever and she'll not forget that. She'll look for someone else to put her trust in. (And you are going to hate him. That's a no brainer. She won't care that you hate him. Why should she care what you think? You're the dad who is tossing her room for no reason.)
Start at Step 1: talk to her. She's given you NO reason to look through her room. She's 12. Twelve needs privacy and trust. Not Mom and Dad freaking because she's *gasp* shaving her legs and not making a public announcement about it. Honestly, it sounds like the parents are the ones who aren't acting right. Not the child. Who tosses a room for holding hands?
Last edited by DewDropInn; 01-11-2013 at 07:37 PM..
Given the issues I have been experiencing with my 12 yr old being somewhat involved with a boy and no female friends, My wife is considering searching her room to find out more about her personal life. I was wondering if anyone else has taken this approach to finding out more about who their kids are hanging out with and if they are engaging in any illicit behavior. Yesterday, my wife picked up her diary and was upset that she had never written anything in it and now wants to search her room. I think she is concerned that our daughter doesn't communicate to us enough and now she is looking to get more information out of her, which isn't always easy. My wife also expressed that she recently found out that our daughter did not tell her important things that she was doing (apparently when she started shaving her legs, she never said anything to her mother) this, and having this "boyfriend" around is beginning to make us feel like she is growing up way too fast.
It would seem the biggest concern should be her inability to make friends. If her BF is the only friend, she may feel very lonely & lacking in confidence. I don't know if she could have autism, which makes having friends difficult, as it guarantees poor social skills. Such a thing could make her less communicative with parents as well. If you criticize her often & she has just started exploring for friends, she night assume everyone is very judgmental & to avoid criticism that makes her less confident, she should avoid conflict by not seriously trying to make friends. Maybe her BF is shy, too, so they might feel that common bond?
2) Invading her diary is worse than invading her room. Trust me. Use that as a last resort next time, assuming she ever decides to use it.
3) When I was 12 I hung out with 3 girls my age. They were all mean and a worse influence than the 17 year olds I was hanging out with, so i stopped hanging out with them. I hung out with my older brothers friends, who were all about 5 years older than me, and they all protected me like a little sister and we all hung out together. Now I see them and they all smile at me and ask me when I'm turning 18 and "Maybe we could hang out." so guys aren't terrible to be hanging out with when you're 12, it's when they're 16-17 that you have to really worry.
4) I don't think she's growing up to fast necessarily, it's just that she's not letting you know how shes changing; that has potential to be a problem. Does she wear makeup? Shaving, with me, was discussed with my parents and they wouldn't let me until I was 12. But most girls just do it.
5) You said in the other thread that she reads; what does she read? That is a contributing factor. I read. A lot. And alot of the YA books are very influential on younger teens.
This girl's only crime is that she's not following her parent's life script.
Growing up, almost all of my close friends were boys. I had one close female friend. I was fine!
Growing up, I spent a lot of time reading and being alone. I was fine!
Growing up, I didn't turn silly things like shaving my legs into a momentous occasion that needed to be analyzed and discussed. I was fine!
Growing up, I didn't write in a journal because I knew if she found it, my mother wouldn't be able to resist reading it. I was fine! She was nosy!
If her grades were slipping, if she was depressed, if her personality changed, I could see invading this girl's privacy. But the only problem here seems to be that she's an individual who isn't falling neatly into what is considered 'normal.' She's fine. Let her be.
You have no justification for intruding on your daughter's privacy.
How does a child get to 12 years of age and not have any kind of life outside of her room? Why would a parent not encourage her to get involved in something, anything? Reading is great, but not to the exclusion of developing social skills and friendships.
Something is wrong in this scenario.
If you want to know what is happening in her life, ask her. Is there no conversation around the dinner table?
She is involved in things, just not sports. We go to museums, cultural programs, music lessons, swimming etc. She just never bothered with other kids too much. We are just trying to do the right thing and make sure she grows up correctly.
2) Invading her diary is worse than invading her room. Trust me. Use that as a last resort next time, assuming she ever decides to use it.
3) When I was 12 I hung out with 3 girls my age. They were all mean and a worse influence than the 17 year olds I was hanging out with, so i stopped hanging out with them. I hung out with my older brothers friends, who were all about 5 years older than me, and they all protected me like a little sister and we all hung out together. Now I see them and they all smile at me and ask me when I'm turning 18 and "Maybe we could hang out." so guys aren't terrible to be hanging out with when you're 12, it's when they're 16-17 that you have to really worry.
4) I don't think she's growing up to fast necessarily, it's just that she's not letting you know how shes changing; that has potential to be a problem. Does she wear makeup? Shaving, with me, was discussed with my parents and they wouldn't let me until I was 12. But most girls just do it.
5) You said in the other thread that she reads; what does she read? That is a contributing factor. I read. A lot. And alot of the YA books are very influential on younger teens.
Let us know how the search goes.
Yes, she does read YA books, but she also reads adult books too (like history and science type books geared towards adults)
If you search her room and don't find anything, then what? The premise of searching the room is because nothing was in the diary. It's almost like you are wanting to find something.
Our son was not and still is not a social butterfly. He didn't like the general stuff that went on outside of school so he was pretty much a homebody. He was not an outcast at school. He was pretty much friendly with most kids.
Is the main issue the "boyfriend"? Didn't you already say you talked to her about it and felt okay? I'm not understanding the big concern here either.
This girl's only crime is that she's not following her parent's life script.
Growing up, almost all of my close friends were boys. I had one close female friend. I was fine!
Growing up, I spent a lot of time reading and being alone. I was fine!
Growing up, I didn't turn silly things like shaving my legs into a momentous occasion that needed to be analyzed and discussed. I was fine!
Growing up, I didn't write in a journal because I knew if she found it, my mother wouldn't be able to resist reading it. I was fine! She was nosy!
If her grades were slipping, if she was depressed, if her personality changed, I could see invading this girl's privacy. But the only problem here seems to be that she's an individual who isn't falling neatly into what is considered 'normal.' She's fine. Let her be.
Excellent post, ParallelJJCat. I agree completely.
If you search her room and don't find anything, then what? The premise of searching the room is because nothing was in the diary. It's almost like you are wanting to find something.
Our son was not and still is not a social butterfly. He didn't like the general stuff that went on outside of school so he was pretty much a homebody. He was not an outcast at school. He was pretty much friendly with most kids.
Is the main issue the "boyfriend"? Didn't you already say you talked to her about it and felt okay? I'm not understanding the big concern here either.
Well the "boyfriend" is what prompted all of this, and yes we do trust her but she is still a child and we want to make sure she isn't being negatively influenced, so we will monitor the situation and since it is our house she has a limited right to privacy so to speak. Another aspect of this is there was something else my wife recently found out about our daughter that she did not tell her mother about but I do not feel comfortable discussing it here, so I know it is hard to really get the full picture of how she is not fully communicating with us, or for these types of things she should at least be confiding in her mother.
Our goal is simple - we just want what is best for her.
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