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Four kids. I only searched one room. And he was in trouble.
I did always request the kids rooms be clean. Nothing on the floor. Nothing under the bed. No food in rooms. No "white glove" test, but I expected a level of cleanliness..
Yes to this. Three kids here. Now, the youngest does have bonafide psychological and emotional issues (long story) which she is receiving professional help for, so her case is a bit different, and we do look in her room because she has a history of lying/sneaking, plus food hiding which can be nasty of course. Which doesn't really seem to be the case with the daughter of the OP. She also is not allowed to keep her personal electronic type things after bedtime. She doesn't' have anything with internet access (she is just 10) but she hands over the handheld game thing at bedtime because we know she'd be tempted to play instead of sleep (or possibly sneak it to school the next day) so it is just part of her bedtime routine. We also check her backpack before school each morning but again, she has violated our trust repeatedly so she has to give up a lot of privacy at this point in her life as a result.
And with the older two it was just never necessary, we've always talked a lot and talked freely and I never worried about them communicating with me.
The issue of not telling mom she shaved may just be embarrassment or fear of an overreaction. Of course, I am from a different generation at 41 years old but my mother was the kind who made it clear that shaving was something you only did when you were "older" (legs I mean), and when I shaved my legs at 11 I knew she'd have a fit and think it "meant something" and so I hid it from her.
When I was older and a teen, she had gone on and on about what good girls do and don't do and how you HAVE to wait until marriage for sex... even though she told me all the time that she would be willing to help me get birth control if I ever asked her... I knew she would lose it if I really seriously came to her about it, because of all her previous declarations about "good girls". So I hid this from her too.
And she thought nothing of searching my room, reading my diary, going through my trash, etc.
When I got pregnant at 16 and had an abortion, I didn't tell her that either.
Is that really what you want? She and I have a stormy relationship still, and I am a grown woman. I hid a tattoo I bought and paid for with my own money because I knew she was going to go "off" on me about how I shouldn't get tattoos and shouldn't spend money on them blah blah blah. I just avoid her in general.
My mother always made a huge deal about me not telling her something or "hiding things" but she never realized that she never worked at open and comfortable communication, either, and I kept things to myself out of fear of her reactions. Comfortable and easy communication starts when they are very young and has to be worked at on a regular basis precisely for when the pre-teen and teen years hit and they naturally want to keep things more private.
Also, I am not comfortable with the "MY house" sentiment. Yes we all know that as adults and parents it is ultimately "our house" and our rules, but I have always tried to refrain from pulling out that phrase as a way to get kids to do what we want. I really want them to grow up feeling like it is OUR house, the family home, and they can be comfy in their own space, vs feeling like boarders who are subject to random inspections willy nilly.
Last edited by Sally_Sparrow; 01-12-2013 at 09:01 PM..
She is an A student, if her grades started slipping then I could see taking away privileges. She is a really good kid, she always listens and maybe we are over-reacting to the shock of the shaving/boyfriend thing but that does not change the fact that she is still a good kid. If that changed, then we would have to react. Until then, we will watch her closely but from a distance. We raised her with consistency and boundaries.
So if the above is true, then why go gestapo on her and be considering tossing her room to find out her secrets? Tell her you are concerned about the shaving/boyfriend issue.
If you've raised her with consistency and boundaries, then do not yourselves become inconsistent and violate boundaries. Show her the respect you wish her to show you.
So you don't know her well enough, even though you've been her PARENT for 12 years, to know what she may be up to..... except by tossing her room.
You have had twelve years to establish a relationship with her. And to be able to know what kind of a person she is and whether or not you have to really worry. Twelve years. And now, suddenly, you are concerned about what she may be doing and you don't have the kind of relationship where you can talk? You have to toss her room. Okey dokie. So much for the middle steps.
I don't think she's the problem at all. Or the boyfriend. Or the shaving. I think you've got problems because for 12 years you've, apparently, let her retreat into her bedroom, read books and do her own thing. (Because it doesn't sound like you were all sitting at the table discussing your days, boys, music, life, how the tuna casserole turned out....)
Sorry. Good luck with all this. I hope for HER sake nothing horrendous is up. But it sounds as if you've just figured "good enough" for 12 years. When you're a parent, "good enough"..... isn't.
Geez, we do have a good relationship with our daughter. You have to understand she has always been a quiet kid going back to when she was a toddler. When she was really little she used to just play quietly in her room, we never had any problems from her. I know it might be hard to understand, but every kid is different. Some like talking nonstop, others not so much. Who do you think got her into books? Who do you think fostered her interest in musical instruments, art, sciences, history? She had absolutely no social life until now. I do not see what you think we did poorly as parents.
She is an A student, if her grades started slipping then I could see taking away privileges. She is a really good kid, she always listens and maybe we are over-reacting to the shock of the shaving/boyfriend thing but that does not change the fact that she is still a good kid. If that changed, then we would have to react. Until then, we will watch her closely but from a distance. We raised her with consistency and boundaries.
Good for you. Most parents panic from time to time, especially if she is the oldest and this is your first experience with adolescent behavior.
As to the shaving business, its everywhere. Nobody had to coerce her into doing it. If she has started her period, or her friends have, its probably a much discussed issue among her peers, and its certainly talked about in every fashion magazine, on tv, etc. Its a trend.
I think searching or tossing a room is different from having access to a child's room. Closed doors should indicate a knock and an invitation is in order before entering, but a child or teen's room should not, IMO, be totally off limits to a parent. I used to say, "I'm cleaning house today. Please hide anything that will shock or disgust me."
I'm sure you know this, OP, but I'm repeating it anyway.
IMHO, the "birds and bees" discussion is not just one big talk.
It has to take the form of several discussions over the years as your kids grow and varying aspects of sexuality become more relevant in their lives.
My wife had a talk with the boys mother and apparently the mother is elated that they are friends. Apparently she has been hanging out at his house since the summer (the mother is always at home in the day - and yes daughter did not tell us this, but we never did ask her and he only lives a few houses down from us) but the mother was going on about how a good influence our daughter is on her son! She says that he is more focused on school now and reads which he never was into and she attributes it to our daughters positive influence. She was saying how groups of young boys could get into mischief together but boys tend to be more level headed if with a girl. My daughter expressed an interest in taking martial arts classes with him which is probably his influence on her. I am feeling a little better about this whole friendship now that I see they they are not influencing each other in a negative way. I am sure this will be getting interesting and more complex as time goes on, but for now it seems good for them both.
.....Apparently she has been hanging out at his house since the summer (the mother is always at home in the day - and yes daughter did not tell us this, but we never did ask her and he only lives a few houses down from us......
So your 12 yo daughter has been hanging out somewhere for months and months and you had absolutely no idea?
So your 12 yo daughter has been hanging out somewhere for months and months and you had absolutely no idea?
We knew she was down the street with the neighborhood kids, just didn't know she went off into the boys house. But his mother was home so I don't see a problem with it.
Last edited by GoodSchoolols; 01-13-2013 at 09:04 AM..
Reason: added info
too much trust has been broken there, I wouldn't trust some other mother to be honest about it.
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