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I don't think the OP should do anything more with his wife unless guided by the counselor.
Every sit-down the OP conducted with his wife-- and he's had many-- has backfired on him and made things worse. We don't know what he himself is saying to her. All we know is that he's very blundering and ineffective; his wife is beyond all reproach. At this point, the counselor needs to step in and guide them, help them communicate properly and deal with their issues. But of course both parties need to want to change. So far this is the best "change" that his wife can only provide. OP needs to sit and think about what he wants from this marriage. He needs to realize that there's a possibility that his wife can't/won't change and ask himself if this is what he can tolerate the next 50 years. It also seems that the OP is taking her rejection of divorce as a sign that she wants to be married to him... when it's really the life, money/gifts, status that the marriage provides she really wants. She needs to change in order for this marriage to be conducive and the OP has to change as well.
I don't think the OP should do anything more with his wife unless guided by the counselor.
Every sit-down the OP conducted with his wife-- and he's had many-- has backfired on him and made things worse. We don't know what he himself is saying to her. All we know is that he's very blundering and ineffective; his wife is beyond all reproach. At this point, the counselor needs to step in and guide them, help them communicate properly and deal with their issues. But of course both parties need to want to change. So far this is the best "change" that his wife can only provide. OP needs to sit and think about what he wants from this marriage. He needs to realize that there's a possibility that his wife can't/won't change and ask himself if this is what he can tolerate the next 50 years. It also seems that the OP is taking her rejection of divorce as a sign that she wants to be married to him... when it's really the life,money/gifts, status that the marriage provides she really wants. She needs to change in order for this marriage to be conducive and the OP has to change as well.
I've been thinking about that. As a woman who has worked her entire married life (except for a few months after each of our children were born) I'm starting to feel a little jealous of his wife. I even put my husband through graduate school and worked two jobs during several periods when he was unemployed.
Hmmm, she worked a few years while hubby was in college and then she became a full time SAHM. She even continues to be a SAHM while their child is a teenager and appears to want to continue staying at home and not working indefinitely. She demands, and receives gifts, flowers, fancy dinners out and vacations whenever she asks for them (or pouts long enough). I'm not sure where they live or how much money hubby makes but they have a guesthouse in addition to their regular house----heck, we can't even afford to finish our basement on our small condominium.
Of course, my husband and I have mutual respect and love for each other so perhaps that makes up for all of the "perks" that Irish's wife appears to enjoy and I wish that I had.
I agree with Inkpoe, Irish's wife may not want a divorce because she loves Irish but because she loves staying at home and not working, loves having a house with a guesthouse, loves flowers, loves fancy dinners and gifts and vacations. Sorry, Irish, but I have to be honest,
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-22-2013 at 12:31 PM..
Amisi- you have to go back and read the whole several weeks and dozens of pages of this thread to try to understand what is going on. .
The son is 18, just graduated high school. . The girlfriend is not living in the house. The son is going to community college in the fall.
OMG.... are you kidding me?!?!? He's only 18, JUST graduated high school, ready to enter college in the fall and this "father" is complaining??????? I think in this case, the father is the "useless" one.
The thread is 85+ pages long. I just responded to the OP>
OMG.... are you kidding me?!?!? He's only 18, JUST graduated high school, ready to enter college in the fall and this "father" is complaining??????? I think in this case, the father is the "useless" one.
The thread is 85+ pages long. I just responded to the OP>
This is actually the SECOND thread that deals with this family.
You dont have to read every post. But you can't just read the OP and try to reply. It's a mess.
Agreed self esteem , self respect and learning the art of the quick vocal come back.
Irish, as a man what does it feel like when you ask your wife to go to counseling with you and she says no. Then you tell her you don't want a divorce and she responds by telling you how she enjoyed sleeping alone in the marital bed.
Most men would be cut the very quick by that type of rejection. It's the worst rejection in a marriage. It was deliberate attempt at cutting you down as a man. It was a remark designed to hurt. What kind of a wife tells her husband that she would rather sleep alone than with him ?
And that's where you need a quick come back, something along the lines of " well, then what's the point of being married? ".
What did you say to her?- Let me guess- nothing. You're so used to being belittled, so used to begging and buying her affection that it seems normal to you. Yes, you buy her affection with gifts, dinner, flowers.
By telling her you don't want a divorce you gave her the go ahead to treat you like crap. And that's exactly what she did. Even if you don't want a divorce, you don't show your hand. You should have indicated that you're going to counseling to see if the marriage can be saved.
So we get back to the basic question.Just where will this marriage go if your wife won't go to counseling.
She's content with the status quo. She kicks you whenever she feels like it and you roll over and take it.
Granted you're going to counseling to work on the marriage but she's a great big part of the problem and she really needs to get with the program too.
Lots for you to discuss next week with your therapists.
I know that someone will answer this question with " ask the counselor" and I will, but I want to know, what do you think I have to change?
I've started to type several things and deleted them. Your situation is very complicated. I think you need to discuss your college years with the therapist. I think you need to hear each other out, and try to understand where the other is coming from. Then I think you both need to leave it in the past and try to move forward.
I think you need to grow some self respect and stop trying to buy your wife's affection.
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