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Oh jeez... take the door off the hinges already. You need to tell her point blank to stop treating your son like he's a small child, and to stop preventing him from growing up.
why is that so hard for you? My god, man up. Sheesh.
Guess she figured after the dinner date last night she was back in control. Same old behavior here. You tell him one thing and she tells him the opposite. It's so obvious your wife's entire sense of worth, at least as she feels worthy to you, is based solely upon her position as the kid's mother. In her eyes that is all she is. That's a pretty scary position for her. No wonder she doesn't want him to grow up. No wonder she is so controlling of you and him. She may not acknowledge it, but my guess is that deep down she fears her only value to you is as his mother She likely thinks that once he's gone she has no value except as the trophy wife (her words I believe). If she has no value, what is keeping you around likely goes through her head. She is quite manipulative. I also suspect she is jealous of your son and of the relationship you are now establishing with him.
As the parent of two kids slightly older than your son I cannot imagine ever discouraging them from furthering their education.
You can suggest to your son that he should apologize for the harsh words as that is not the way a son should speak to his mother. He does not need to apologize for disagreeing with her. Grown-ups apologize for their mistakes. All he need's to say is I'm sorry I called you names, nothing more.
He should not call her names like "lazy." That is way out of line.
But you can't force him to apologize for doing something he is SUPPOSED to do: stretch his boundaries and GROW UP.
Here's the other thing: He is NOT 99% her. He is 100% him. You both need to allow him to be that.
Right now you are teaching him to bow and scrape and walk on eggshells, just like YOU do.
If I were there, I'd take HIM out for a steak dinner.
THIS. Do not force your son to apologize. She needs to grow up and act like his mother. And let him grow up.
Oh jeez... take the door off the hinges already. You need to tell her point blank to stop treating your son like he's a small child, and to stop preventing him from growing up.
why is that so hard for you? My god, man up. Sheesh.
Hmm... that is actually a great idea (taking the door off the hinges). Where would she hide then?
Yes, everything the previous posters said. I can't imagine a parent trying to talk an adult child out of furthering his education. That is pure selfishness. She is probably afraid of him growing up because then who will she be and what will she have? All she's done with her adult life is be a mom to him. Pure selfishness.
No, you can't force your son to apologize. He shouldn't have called her lazy. If he feels he should apologize for that, he can. don't make him.
I agree that it may send the wrong message to your wife. Going out to dinner seems to much like a "bribe" or part of your "old patterns of behavior."
Is there something else that she would enjoy doing with you? A walk in the park? Going to the movies? Making home-made milk shakes or Rice-Krispy Treats (or whatever she would like)? Going to garage sales? Doing something different would be better.
Just to clarify. When there is a little movement forward you may want to share something small with your spouse, maybe a walk in the park OR share a lemonade OR make popcorn and watch a movie together on TV OR sit on the couch and quietly read books, magazines or the newspaper together. Choose ONE small thing, not a big thing or certainly not several big things!
Remember when your son was in grade school? Did you take him to Chuckie Cheese for pizza & games & ice cream, every time that he studied his spelling words AND every time that he did his math homework AND every time he remembered to take his library books to school on library day? Of course not, he would have gone to Chuckie Cheese to celebrate six or seven or eight times or ten times a week. I'm sure that you saved going to Chuckie Cheese for something extra, extra, extra special. just like husbands and wife go out to celebrate big when there is "something big" to celebrate.
I didn't imply that you should go out to dinner and a movie and etc, etc to mark a small, positive move forward. As I said earlier, it is too similar to your "old pattern of behavior" where it appears that you "overdo" any type of positive interactions with your wife to the point where it seems to be a bribe or almost a "payment for services rendered".
Break your old pattern and do something new & nice together. How about looking for four leaf clovers in a field? Or picking a few wild flowers? Or just lay on your backs on a blanket and identify the shapes that the clouds make? These are the types of things that many married couples do together for fun.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-12-2013 at 08:57 PM..
I asked her her side of the story. She worries that he won't be able to handle college work( and if he goes to a 4 year school, the party/work balance). She does stand by the whole " plenty of time to work when you're older "idea. She was trying to get him to enjoy his summer and was going to use her connections until she got yelled at. She sees him as " ungrateful" for all the sacrifices she's made before he was born until now." I told her that I had talked to him and he felt infantilized by her and asked if she'd apologize. She said "no". I asked her why she always locks the door and hides in our room. According to her, no one can hurt her feelings when she's alone and she can have a good cry and reflection
How about looking for four leaf clovers in a field? Or picking a few wild flowers? Or just lay on your backs on a blanket and identify the shapes that the clouds make? These are the types of things that many married couples do together for fun.
I'll definitely try these
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