Should a 9 year old boy sleep with his mother? (single mom, child, 10 years old)

[Lizita]

I think most people here would not oppose co-sleeping with dogs based on gender. Most would probably agree that it would be silly to have a rule that male dogs should not sleep with female owners and female dogs should not sleep with male owners. There is nothing sexual about dogs so their gender is irrelevant, right? Why are children seen differently? Why do their gender matter when it comes to sleeping in the same bed as a parent? I can only conclude that people who oppose co-sleeping based on gender that the opposite gender child is, unlike dogs, seen as something sexual or that there is something sexual between the child and the opposite sex parent.
So, for those who oppose boys sleeping with mom and girls sleeping with dad, why do you see that as something sexual?

[Lizita]

Originally Posted by warren zee

In my former state, brothers and sisters over 9 could not even share a room!

What state is that? What happens if you violate that law? Would you get fined if your, say, 10 and 11-year old son and daughter share a room? What about poor families or families from other cultures where they all sleep in the same room? Would that be a crime in this state?

[Coldjensens]

Heck, our kids still sleep over in our room when I am away, and sometimes when I am not. On Christmas and Easter, they still all sleep in one bedroom, it is a tradition. They are pretty much piled all over the floor sharing blankets, sleeping bags, pillows. They like to watch tv in our bed. If one of them falls asleep, we just push them to the side and go to sleep. If two of them fall asleep in our bed we usually just shove them onto the floor. They are 21, 21, 18, 17 and 14. Mied M and F

If anyone thinks there is some sort of sexual tension between a mother and son especially a 10 year old son, that person probably should get some counseling.

[Mattie]

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

I am glad I don't, I wouldn't want to be associated with the parenting ideology of such persons to start with. If other people want to pour all of their energy into their kids and treat their spouses as afterthoughts and risk divorce like "Blossom," they're free to. I'm free to know better and to (diplomatically) say what I think of that whole attachment parenting psychobabble. If "the proof is in the pudding" as one person said before, I will state that our high divorce rate is probably largely attributable to this sort of thing. That's my observation anyway.

You can say "bologna, other cultures practice it & stay married," regardless of what other cultures do, my top priority is regarding what I know in my heart & soul to be RIGHT. That John Rosemond, a psychologist, says what he does, only affirms what I already know on my own anyway. Other cultures also stone women to death for wearing anything but a burqa, that hardly makes it something to emulate. Finally, I am equally thankful my wife is on board, it makes everything so much easier. I just like posting my opinions just like everyone else (although I admit they could be briefer, how's this one for starters). Practice what you want in your own life, advise people asking here however you feel lead to, you're free to and I respect it. The same goes for myself.

LRH

We get it, you want your children on YOUR terms. If they don't comply, they are an inconvenience.

But, the OP wasn't asking about kids who always want to sleep with their parents, they were asking about a little boy who wants to be with his mother while his father is out of town. This isn't a thread for you to espouse Rosemond's theory, because the OP isn't talking about a regular routine.

Once again OP, yes, children might need comfort during the night. The parent who is offering it is doing a commendable job, even if it comes at the expense of their good nights sleep.

[AnotherTouchOfWhimsy]

I can't imagine a kid waking me up in the middle of the night with a fever and vomiting and me saying, "go back to bed and leave me alone, you don't need to be in the ER."

[maciesmom]

"Sorry kid, I'm off duty. Deal with it and get back with me at 7 a.m."

Wow.

[DewDropInn]

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

where I come from you don't pander to inferior immaturity when you have superior intelligence at your disposal. They have to be TAUGHT the superior intelligence perspective.

Okey dokey then.

(Never mind that a young child cannot possibly diagnose themselves, no matter how intelligent they are, when they've quit breathing because they had an allergic reaction to the shrimp at 2am. The man of the house wants his sleep. It'll be too late for 911 whenever Dad finally does let the kids into his presence.... but what the heck. The coroner can come any time and Dad will be well-rested when van pulls up to the curb . So to re-cap: Dr Whatevertheheckhisnameis has all the answers, John Amos is "America's Father" on late night cable re-runs and Blossom is the new illustration of how not to live your life.)

[Jaded]

If the bickering is going to continue then the OP's topic is no longer being addressed. Can we return to talking about whether or not a 9 year old boy should sleep with his mother?

Thanks.

[GJJG2012]

My guesses, maybe wrong or unpopular, at 9 OK to sleep with parent when 1 is gone, not OK to sleep with both parents. By 11-12, not OK to sleep with parent when other is gone. There is a major change that goes on between 9-11 or 12 at oldest, adults are no longer thought of as perfect like God, and kids should be developing their own ideas & interests, feeling secure with confidence they are normal, with a thought to the future about having to live alone, with friends, or friend of opposite sex (18+).

Also, a 9 year old should feel free to discuss concerns with parents-they're not quite old enough to be at war about what their freedoms and limits should be. Hope I made sense, I don't have kids. Best wishes.

Originally Posted by wehotex

My sister allows her boy to sleep with her when his Dad goes out of town. I'm not sure why. It always makes me think of the Oedipus complex. Is anything wrong with this?

[NEOhioBound]

Moderator Cut

My son is turning 6 soon and he often still sleeps in our bed. It actually has made us a closer family and a more opened and secure one. He is welcomed in our bed as long as he is comfortable with it. Moderator Cut

Originally Posted by larrytxeast

It's not cruel in my mind at all. In fact our kids have slept in their own room since BIRTH. To me it's a matter of boundaries. We drew that boundary from day one--the "martial bed" is for married people ONLY, period, absolutely no one else. No exceptions allowed, not even nightmares, not even sickness. The reason is simple--you don't need children cluttering up a space that is for the adults to have some time to themselves when said children are perfectly fine sleeping alone under practically all circumstances. In the realm of the "marital bed," they're a distraction and an altogether unnecessary one.

If it's a matter of giving comfort, well then, what's stopping a parent from going into the child's bedroom for awhile and comforting them in THERE for a bit until they're off & running into dreamville? That's taking steps towards comforting while still keeping the boundary firm.

Besides that, where did this notion start that you are a parent 24 hours a day and never off-duty for a second? Like heck I am. During the time that they're sleeping, that's MY time, and that includes time with my wife. A boundary has to be drawn, and it has to be respected. Let them sleep in your room, and you're basically saying there is NO boundary that they have the right to disrupt your life anytime for any reason however silly. And yes, bothering an adult at nighttime for any reason other than your hair is on fire or you're violently ill as in a 107'F fever or you're bleeding from the eyeball, it is a disruption of silliness. I know, they're your children & you love them, but in that realm, yes, it is a disruption of silliness. Otherwise, they're going to bother you at 1 a.m. because they, say, wanted to sleep with their Dora stuffed doll not their Tinkerbell stuffed doll and their Dora one is missing. That's a ridiculous reason to bother me at 1 in the morning, and you will be told so too.

I mean, the child is being given love & comfort periodically throughout the day, it's not like a child is being told their feelings are irrelevant. There is a time & place for everything, and 1 a.m. is not the time to bother me about anything other than you're sick, and I mean VIOLENTLY sick, as in sleeping it off won't cure it, it requires an emergency room visit right now. It's no different than, say, if I as an adult called my best friend at 3 a.m. wanting to talk. This friend of mine is VERY accessible, I can just show up at his house unannounced & he's okay and very welcoming. He's a very giving and great person. HOWEVER, I guarantee you that if I called him at 3 a.m. wanting to talk about something and it's not like, say, I just got news my wife & kids were killed in a car crash, he's going to be mad that I called him at 3 a.m. This is no different, even though they're kids. They don't know any better, sure, but where I come from you don't pander to inferior immaturity when you have superior intelligence at your disposal. They have to be TAUGHT the superior intelligence perspective.

For us, the principle is that your marriage comes FIRST. The marital relationship is the most important one in the household. My children do not supersede my spouse in importance, which is also why if my wife is in the mood for Italian and they hate it, my wife wins. The idea is that the children will grow up & leave you but your spouse remains. If you want to make it there, you have to give them the treatment they deserve. Anyone that says this co-sleeping stuff isn't a strain on a marriage, I have 2 words for you--Mayim Bialik (former "Blossom" star and current "Big Bang" star). Obviously no one knows for a fact why she & her husband divorced, but if I were a betting man, my bet would be that it was because her husband finally had enough of her over-devotion to her kids (breast-feeding when he was like 4, come on!) and wasn't getting paid enough attention as her husband. I'd left her too under those circumstances. And yes I know many non co-sleeping couples divorce, but that doesn't mean co-sleeping doesn't strain marriages. I strongly believe it does, even if someone tells me that they & their mate co-sleep and they're fine, I still stand by my contention, meaning nothing ugly personally about it.

As for a dog? No, it doesn't belong in there either. I made that clear in my dating years--a woman who was so attached to her dog she expected me to share a bed with her & said dog, nope, not going to happen. Next! No, it isn't about having control, security or jealousy issues, the typical reply to such a position. It's about receiving the treatment you deserve as one's spouse, and giving the treatment to your spouse they deserve. It's only natural to me to want my wife, during intimate moments, completely ALONE 100%. She's the same way. Anything that distracts from that has got to go.

Most of all, though, children have to learn that some areas of their parents' lives are off-limits. Period, no discussion. You don't do it. Suck it up, get over it. The world doesn't revolve around you, you're no more important than anyone else just because you're a child. To demand your parents drop everything anytime you feel like it no matter how important what they're doing is to them, and no matter how frivolous your issue is, such is the absolute definition of selfishness. It is not to be pandered to.

LRH