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All it took was approaching a few of the other kids "So, does 'Sam' like to play Truth or Dare?"
I got a lot of big eyes and they couldn't all stop talking at once. Apparently it's Sam's favorite game, and he likes to dare the boys to kiss the girls, to ride each other's bikes, take each other's toys, lots of very mischievous other random things as well. They all deny participating of course, they just heard it.
Here's where it gets complicated. In confronting (nicely) Sam's mom, she's vehemently denying he even knows what Truth or Dare is, we're surely exaggerating the situation, and thanked us for making her "more aware" of the other kids... whatever that means. But we didn't see Sam the rest of the day, so something was said.
I feel bad, but it needed to stop before the dares got dangerous. Thanks to all who commented!
Last edited by SaintCabbage; 06-19-2013 at 07:28 AM..
Sounds to me like poor SAM is acting out with his peers because he is experiencing some things he is too young to process. I would keep a very close eye on that family and report anything suspicious. His actions and trying to get the other kids to do things he knows are wrong is a classic sign of being abused at home. If he can get the other kids to do 'bad' things, he doesn't feel as bad himself. His mother being so vehement shows on some level she knows there's something going on.
You need to protect your son and trust his judgment. Who knows, maybe Sam needs your son to show him boundaries more than we know.
The advice given was very good so far. The only thing I would add that hasn't been said is that this situation gives you an opportunity to teach your son some techniques for dealing with "Sam's" and those kinds of situations in the future.
Your son came to you because he did not know how to handle the situation himself. He's at an age where he needs to take on more of his own conflict resolution, especially since he and his friends are hanging out in a roving band, lol. Given what you described about your son as the "mayor" he was probably surprised that Sam...
a) Challenged his authority and role within the group.
b) Tried to make him do something he didn't want to do and pressured him.
c) Implied that their friendship was conditional based on doing what Sam wanted to do.
In this situation I don't think you were wrong for "riding to the rescue" and putting Sam's parents on notice. However, the reason your son came to you in the first place was because he didn't know how to handle it himself. Take some time to talk to him about how he can handle the issues when they present themselves and what steps to take. Your son should feel empowered to handle his own "Sam's" without having to run to you unless certain lines are crossed. What those lines are and how you want him to handle the situation is up to you.
Your kids will lie to you because you have given them reason to not trust you. You may have been overly controlling and overly punitive. I would not worry about how you can tell if they are lying - but why they would lie to you.
The advice given was very good so far. The only thing I would add that hasn't been said is that this situation gives you an opportunity to teach your son some techniques for dealing with "Sam's" and those kinds of situations in the future.
Your son came to you because he did not know how to handle the situation himself. He's at an age where he needs to take on more of his own conflict resolution, especially since he and his friends are hanging out in a roving band, lol. Given what you described about your son as the "mayor" he was probably surprised that Sam...
a) Challenged his authority and role within the group.
b) Tried to make him do something he didn't want to do and pressured him.
c) Implied that their friendship was conditional based on doing what Sam wanted to do.
In this situation I don't think you were wrong for "riding to the rescue" and putting Sam's parents on notice. However, the reason your son came to you in the first place was because he didn't know how to handle it himself. Take some time to talk to him about how he can handle the issues when they present themselves and what steps to take. Your son should feel empowered to handle his own "Sam's" without having to run to you unless certain lines are crossed. What those lines are and how you want him to handle the situation is up to you.
This is classic:
c) Implied that their friendship was conditional based on doing what Sam wanted to do.
The ultimate little kid move and definition of peer pressure as a 7 yr old. You are wise! My son is a smart kid, this has taught him a lot, I feel like he came to me appropriately.
I feel bad for Sam, it's worth noting, like many of the kids here, he has several siblings, all girls, so he's largely on his own which may be the reason for some of the attention seeking behavior. I don't think he's a 'bad kid' by any means, but I also think he's not getting a lot of 'right from wrong' direction from mom and dad.
Your kids will lie to you because you have given them reason to not trust you. You may have been overly controlling and overly punitive. I would not worry about how you can tell if they are lying - but why they would lie to you.
c) Implied that their friendship was conditional based on doing what Sam wanted to do.
The ultimate little kid move and definition of peer pressure as a 7 yr old. You are wise! My son is a smart kid, this has taught him a lot, I feel like he came to me appropriately.
I feel bad for Sam, it's worth noting, like many of the kids here, he has several siblings, all girls, so he's largely on his own which may be the reason for some of the attention seeking behavior. I don't think he's a 'bad kid' by any means, but I also think he's not getting a lot of 'right from wrong' direction from mom and dad.
I think it's really important to let your son know that coming to you was a GOOD thing. This was an issue of pressure to misbehave, but we need to all remember that it can be more serious than that. When our kids know that they can trust us with something that has made them uncomfortable, and that they will be believed and supported, then they are much less vulnerable to something of a more serious nature.
In this situation I would look at the motivation for him coming to you in the 1st place if I were trying to figure out if he was telling the truth. There doesn't seem to be any reason for him to make stuff up about this other kid (unless i missed something)... but his backpedaling on the issue signifies a reason to lie, for fear of causing trouble or getting another kid in trouble.
Anyway, not to be a fear monger but a child who has been exposed to something inappropriate or abusive and it has not been dealt with is going to possibly act out in ways that could harmful to their peers. I speak from experience; my younger son was abused by a slightly older child who had been abused but never told anyone about it.
Here's where it gets complicated. In confronting (nicely) Sam's mom, she's vehemently denying he even knows what Truth or Dare is, we're surely exaggerating the situation, and thanked us for making her "more aware" of the other kids... whatever that means. But we didn't see Sam the rest of the day, so something was said.
Hey, that sounds just like when I returned the gun (air rifle) to my neighbor. The one that the kids were chasing after the rabbit trying to shoot it and see what would happen.
"Not our gun. We keep ours up high where the kids can't get it. But here, I'll take it and we'll make sure it gets returned to the proper owner."
Sam sounds like he will continue to be trouble and I would not try to make my child be friends with him unless you want to be fully responsible for the actions your son takes when Sam finally pressures him enough to either do something or be a part of something that should not be taking place. Rarely have I seen a good roll model change the negative behavior of another child. If this continues when school is in session, I would discuss it with a counselor in the school system.
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My son is a smart kid, this has taught him a lot, I feel like he came to me appropriately.
