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I agree that the meltdowns sound like he may need to be evaluated for something, but I'll put in my 2 cents here for what's it worth since my son has similar issues.
We discovered rather quickly, contrary to how both my husband and I were raised, that our son really needed to be treated with respect. Don't get me wrong: DH and I both had great parents and great childhoods, but we were both raised in "spare the rod, spoil the child" households, etc...so when our lovely 1+ year old child starting hitting, we slapped him on the wrist right back; when he had a tantrum, we punished him. Complete failure - any sort of violence, "I am the boss, you are the inferior" kind of treatment led to meltdowns, tantrums, screaming sessions, the works. I read an article once about being the CEO of your household rather than the king - and once we started implementing that, we literally had no terrible twos ever again, bedtime became WAY easier, mealtimes relaxed... Basically, he is an inexperienced foreigner on this planet and in this family. He needs to learn the rules, and abide by them, but not because "I said so," but because we all have to obey the same rules as a family: use good manners, be polite, be helpful not a hindrance, etc. For the meltdowns, there's a Sesame Street youtube video called "Belly Breathe" that we stumbled upon that we use constantly - when he starts to freak out, we just remind him to take a few deep breaths, then get down to his level, and ask him to explain the issue. Nine times out of ten, knowing that we're actually listening to him is all he needs. Sometimes a compromise is possible (okay, you can have a different vegetable if you don't like broccoli), sometimes not (Wow, okay, I get it. You don't want to go to bed. But it is bedtime, so there's nothing I can do about that except tuck you in. I would love to tuck you in, though; that would make my night.) There are still occasional nights that are disasters, but those are almost always because we're overtired from long days at work and don't have the patience to talk him down. But 100% of the time, for us anyway, if we get angry or hit, he escalates it; if we ask him what the problem is and ask him to explain it calmly, he calms down, or we at least feel at liberty to ignore him because we've addressed the issue and know that he knows better. Then we ignore him, and he settles and sleeps.
Thank you for sharing. This is definitely the case with DS. Some people scoff at parents "reasoning" with a toddler, but he's not your typical toddler in many ways and simply authoritarian parenting has never worked for us - if we push, he just pushes back; spanking and punishing produces just more anger on his part, and his reactions get more intense with age so we're trying really hard to control ourselves and try to settle things peacefully. When we discuss things, he listens - but only if he's not yet in crying, meltdown mode. Once he reaches that point that's it, there's no breaking through to him, he doesn't hear or understand anything. It's just hard sometimes to find the middle ground, between being firm and consistent and defining boundaries, while not getting him to that point.
T When we discuss things, he listens - but only if he's not yet in crying, meltdown mode. Once he reaches that point that's it, there's no breaking through to him, he doesn't hear or understand anything.
The "Breathe" thing has worked wonders for this - we say, "Look at me, look at me" really calmly and make him look into our eyes until he connects, and then remind him to take a few deep breaths because we can't understand what he's saying if he's crying. "I want to help, but I can't understand you right now. Dee-eeep breath." Sometimes he'll still be crying, but he pulls back from the mindless meltdown at least, and then we can get through.
With mine, they know that they have their bedtime routine then its bedtime, and if they start jumping on their beds etc. or getting out of bed excessively its corner time. I have 2 boys age 5 and 3 and an 8 year old daughter. I find that the corner seems to work great, I remind them when i turn the light out, and they are really good about staying in bed after. I find that this is only an effective method because I implemented it and followed through with it before. Crying, let them cry. If it gets excessive, which my daughters does sometimes when shes overtired, I just sit and rub her back. She will usually calm down and fall asleep. At any age, sometimes all that they want is you.
And these are probably the absurb, whiny, non-disciplined, tantrum throwing children that you see that run all over their parents...But lets givem a timeout.
I see no reason to think so. At all. The word "probably" is not a magic word that lends credibility to whatever sentence you decide to stick it in. There are MANY paths to discipline and maturity. Some of those paths work for some people. Some of them do not. The mark of good parenting is finding out which ones work for you and implementing them.
If you see undiscplined children then you can not derive from this an assumption of which methods they tried or did not try. All you can assume is that either they tried no method - or they tried ones that have no worked. WHAT method they tried you are free to fantasise about - but fantasy is all it would be.
My 3,5 year old used to be fairly good with going to bed for the most part; last couple of months however he's been getting worse and worse. We haven't changed our bedtime routine, but now once he's in bed he's started getting up and popping back out - I need to go potty (when he just went), mommy cover me, I need a drink, or starts asking questions like 'how do I sleep?' and screams 'noooo not like that!' to anything we say. Before I leave every time I'll tell him not to come back out or that we want to do X in the morning and we won't be able to if he doesn't sleep, but none of it works, he'll listen and promise not to come out and then does it again. When we try talking to him nicely it'll keep going to where he's doing this 5-6 times a night. It's only after we raise our voice a couple of times and forcefully put him back into bed that he finally stops. I hate doing that though because he ends up crying and we only feel bad. But it seems like being nice isn't working either. I look forward to his bedtime because I'm tired myself at that point and I end up snapping; last night DH actually gave him a spanking on the fourth time, after warning him that he'll get it if he comes back out. He went to sleep after that but I hate it, it doesn't seem like a good way to handle things. I'm not sure what other discipline methods to use to keep him in bed. Things that work for daytime like timeouts aren't suitable here. I want to make it a firm boundary but without getting him all worked up because that's just counterproductive when I want him to calm down and go to sleep; yet it seems any method we try either doesn't work or it makes him hysterical which can't be good right before sleep. Help???
Oh E.C. I feel for you. Are you sure you're not my daughter? LOL She and her 4 yr old son live with us and she's going through the exact same thing. Highly intelligent children are masters, when it comes to manipulation. The little farts probably don't even realize that they're doing it....they're just naturals. As a parent, you have to learn to shut down your emotions when he has these meltdowns.
Nothing feeds a child's meltdown into a frenzy, like that electric forcefield you're packing, when YOU get frustrated with their behavior. An earlier poster mentioned telling your "melting child" to just calm down and breeeeeaaaaaaaathe. First, YOU need to just calm down and take a few deep breaths yourself. Do NOT go near the small child until you have taken a moment to calm yourself and bring that "energy" down. I would be willing to bet that your little one is an "intuitive/feeler". Once he gets himself worked up, and you and/or hubby start to get anxious, jr's anxiety is then fueled by yours.
If your little one IS as I stated above, he "feels" things more strongly, to the point of it being a physical anguish to him. It can spiral out of control, because they have no idea how to process their emotions. They don't know why they're so worked up, they just ARE and they can't calm down. When you approach an "intuitive/feeler", LOADED with stress/anxiety/frustration, you are throwing gasoline on a fire, which is already burning out of control.
First step is to get yourself under control. You just might need a cup of camomile tea to help that along. LOL Take a deep breath and calmly plan out your strategy, before his bedtime. Start practicing YOUR relaxation strategies, by learning to turn yourself down, E/C. Be aware of the fact that we "project" emotions, even when we're pretending. Don't pretend to be calm....BE calm.
You might even try to start a bedtime routine that starts with a bathtime which includes LAVENDAR. You can buy a Johnson's product which contains lavendar, but you can also purchase a bottle of Lavendar essential oil, and add some to your existing body wash. Try adding Lavendar oil to distilled water, in a small spray bottle, shake before each use and spritz his bed lightly with it. At his age...LOL, it's not a bad idea for you ALL to use it! Good luck E/C and just keep trying, but don't let it drive you crazy.
That's the easiest way -- and always keep in mind that kids go through phases.
3 year olds can get over tired and too wound up and their brains aren't developed enough to just go to sleep on command. They can be in that stage where they are trying to give up naps but still really need them if they're having trouble with being overly tired and can't come down in the late evening.
Or they are at the stage where they don't need naps. They don't have any place they have to be a 7 am, if they stay up late and sleep in, it doesn't make any difference. It might to the parents who want a break from their child --- but the child senses that also and thinks he's being socially rejected.
If you never make bedtime an issue, and never use the child's room as punishment but as his special sanctuary, the child will start going to bed on his own. If you throw a child in his room for time-out punishments and slam the door to keep him in it, he begins to view his bedroom as a jail and being sent to bed as more punishment.
last night DH actually gave him a spanking on the fourth time, after warning him that he'll get it if he comes back out. He went to sleep after that but I hate it, it doesn't seem like a good way to handle things.
I'd say that your husband figured it out. Of course you didn't "like it". Mommies are protective. That is why fathers are a very important part of the family equation. They do not turn to mush when babies cry. They TEACH children that there are consequences for their actions. This is an invaluable lesson, not only at bed time but for the rest of their lives.
I'd say that your husband figured it out. Of course you didn't "like it". Mommies are protective. That is why fathers are a very important part of the family equation. They do not turn to mush when babies cry. They TEACH children that there are consequences for their actions. This is an invaluable lesson, not only at bed time but for the rest of their lives.
I agree with this. TBH a spanking isn't going to kill him. He got spanked and got the message and went to bed, sure with some tears, and it may take MANY nights of tears for him to finally get that he has to go to bed and stay in bed, but IMO sometimes that's what a kid needs! Now if he got spanked night after night and he still didn't go to bed, then you might try something else that you haven't already tried.
Even Bill Cosby joked that his son couldn't go to bed at night without being spanked first, and I'm sure his kids all turned out fine.
Of course you don't want your child to cry, but it's not going to kill him. And as long as you show him love the rest of the day, it's not like he'll feel unloved for being spanked at night.
I also agree with the no talking or eye contact method, he's looking for attention and a reaction, and you are giving it to him by talking it out. Put him back into bed without another word.
One more thing that might help is if you two shut off as many lights as possible in the house. Living room, other rooms, hall lights, etc, if he sees you two winding down for the night he might see he's not missing out on anything. Hubby and I oftentimes are in our bedroom while the rest of the house is shut off (lights) and we will talk in bed before sleeping.
If your husband is playing video games at night in the living room, he can still turn off the lights and he can put headphones on so your son won't hear noises. Stop doing any chores if your son is in bed too, dishes can wait, folding laundry can wait, etc. Anything that can wait do it tomorrow and just go to bed yourself! Once you two are in bed and settled sounds like the perfect time for you two to talk and have some intimate time together (once you are sure Junior is asleep).
Hi, new here and resurrecting this thread because my son sounds almost identical to OP's.
After reading this thread I was able to get my 25 month old son to bed last night with the no talk, no reprimand method of just immediately picking him up and putting him back in bed and walking out. I had to walk back in about 10 times. There were times when I would have to put him back in bed and other times he would run and jump back in bed, but we were able to get him to sleep and finally stay in bed without a meltdown. Keeping my finger crossed that this will keep working for him and will eventually stay in bed quietly until he goes to sleep.
OP I sent you a PM asking what eventually worked for your son. How did it go? I'm curious because my boy sounds just like yours. He will get fixated on one thing that he wants in bed with him but I know if I let him have it then he will want one more thing.
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Do NOT go near the small child until you have taken a moment to calm yourself and bring that "energy" down. I would be willing to bet that your little one is an "intuitive/feeler". Once he gets himself worked up, and you and/or hubby start to get anxious, jr's anxiety is then fueled by yours. 
Of course you didn't "like it". Mommies are protective. That is why fathers are a very important part of the family equation. They do not turn to mush when babies cry. They TEACH children that there are consequences for their actions. This is an invaluable lesson, not only at bed time but for the rest of their lives.
Resurrecting this thread
