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DS is 19 and just graduated this year. He was supposed to be attending an area community college this fall but decided he didn't want to go. His tuition would have been completely covered by financial aid. He works around 32 hours a week at a minimum wage job. He works nights (7pm-2 or 3 am) and sleeps until around 3pm, gets up and goes to hang out with friends then goes to work. That's basically it. On his days off sometimes he gets up early (9ish) and goes out and sometimes he sleeps until noon then goes out.
He doesn't seem to have any long term plans for his future. When I press him about it he says he's going to join the navy but he just stopped taking ADHD meds so he needs to wait until spring before they will even consider taking him. He's also talked about getting tattoos which I've warned him might mess up any chance to join the navy due to changing tattoo regulations. He doesn't seem concerned about that. I don't think he really wants to join the military at all but he just says that so I will stop asking him what he's going to do.
What can I do to motivate him or make him start planning for his future? He seems perfectly happy the way things are right now and I can see him being this way as long as he can. Should I start to charge him rent? He is supposed to be paying us back for the car we bought for him but he blows through his money as soon as he gets it. (BTW, the only reason we bought him the car is because of his work hours. I cannot pick him up at 3am when I need to go to work myself in the morning) We've already told him that he will be out of the house BY june 1 of next year. Is that too far off? He seems to think he has all the time in the world and is not concerned about how he's going to support himself. I've told him that he needs to get a second job if he's not going to school but he's not even trying to find anything. He basically just comes home to sleep or eat when he's run out of money.
I would suggest you stick with what you told him. Consistency is important even at an older age IMO. I have seen kids who if allowed will continue living in their parents house play video games all day and work at McDonald's part time for gas, movie and video game money. Something is probably necessary to break him out of the rut.
We had some friends years ago with a similar situation. Their son was attending a cc but not doing well because he made no effort. They said he had to get above a C average or move out. He did not get above a C, but they felt he was not sufficiently mature to live completely on his own. We had a spare bedroom so we agreed to allow him to live wiht us for $200 a month plus some babysitting. It worked out OK. We laid down some reasonable house rules when he moved in and he was pretty good about keeping them. He matured a little bit over the 18 months he was with us, and we got to know him fairly well. He ended up getting a job at a grocery store and progressed through their management chain to a decent job. When he moved out, we had to fumigate his room. He had about 2' deep fast food wrappers and bags on the floor. Other than that, it was fine and worked well for him. He grew up enough during that time that he was able to do ok on his own when he decided to leave. We did not have to push him. He wanted a place of his own and closer to work. Aside from the litter and mice, it was a good deal all around.
I would let him run out of money faster. Put him on a monthly payment plan and if he does not make the payments, put the car n Craigslist (is it in your name?) Stop paying for insurance, phone, internet, and the like. Let him absorb his own costs and he will quickly discover he needs a real job. Charge him some amount of rent as long as he is not going to school. Something manageable, but an amount that will take most of his money. Maybe do not call it rent, just tell him he needs to pay his share of utilities. That alone will likely be $300 or more per month.
I understand where you are coming from, but also it appears you are being an enabler and that is hurting him, not helping him. There is not right answer. Every kid is different. You get stuck trying to figure out what will work for him. Congratulations!. All I can suggest is try things, see how they work and if they elicit the wrong response, try something else.
Yes, you should charge him rent - but if he's not even paying you for the car that he agreed to pay for, how are you going to enforce rent?
He needs a reality check on what not going to school will cost him. If he doesn't want that, that is fine - college is not for everyone. But he does need to come up with a plan AND, since he's working, start paying his share. For example, is he paying for car insurance? If he has a cell phone is he paying for that? What about gas money?
In the world of grown ups, expenses come first, then you can do what you want with the rest. If he's not being held accountable then yes, he will stay where he's at because he can.
You are going to have to make it painful. Otherwise he has no reason to do anything different.
I've got an almost 20 year old living at home. Going to university, working. He pays for his own gas, his portion of phone and insurance, his books and his parking permit on campus.
I would suggest you stick with what you told him. Consistency is important even at an older age IMO. I have seen kids who if allowed will continue living in their parents house play video games all day and work at McDonald's part time for gas, movie and video game money. Something is probably necessary to break him out of the rut.
We had some friends years ago with a similar situation. Their son was attending a cc but not doing well because he made no effort. They said he had to get above a C average or move out. He did not get above a C, but they felt he was not sufficiently mature to live completely on his own. We had a spare bedroom so we agreed to allow him to live wiht us for $200 a month plus some babysitting. It worked out OK. We laid down some reasonable house rules when he moved in and he was pretty good about keeping them. He matured a little bit over the 18 months he was with us, and we got to know him fairly well. He ended up getting a job at a grocery store and progressed through their management chain to a decent job. When he moved out, we had to fumigate his room. He had about 2' deep fast food wrappers and bags on the floor. Other than that, it was fine and worked well for him. He grew up enough during that time that he was able to do ok on his own when he decided to leave. We did not have to push him. He wanted a place of his own and closer to work. Aside from the litter and mice, it was a good deal all around.
I would let him run out of money faster. Put him on a monthly payment plan and if he does not make the payments, put the car n Craigslist (is it in your name?) Stop paying for insurance, phone, internet, and the like. Let him absorb his own costs and he will quickly discover he needs a real job. Charge him some amount of rent as long as he is not going to school. Something manageable, but an amount that will take most of his money. Maybe do not call it rent, just tell him he needs to pay his share of utilities. That alone will likely be $300 or more per month.
I understand where you are coming from, but also it appears you are being an enabler and that is hurting him, not helping him. There is not right answer. Every kid is different. You get stuck trying to figure out what will work for him. Congratulations!. All I can suggest is try things, see how they work and if they elicit the wrong response, try something else.
My nephew rents a large house from his parents (it's long story). My nephew helps his older parents (who live next door) with outside chores, running errands, heavy jobs and other things. However, on a few occasions he was a little short on the (very reasonable) rent. As with most kids in their 20's he bought a fancy new vehicle, perhaps spent a little too much on vacations, spent a little too much on other things, etc.
My brother told him, "If you are living in my house, you need to pay your rent to me first" before your "luxury expenses" and asked his son to set up an automatic transfer. So the first of every month the total rent money is automatically transferred from the son's account to the parent's account. This was several years ago and both of them are extremely happy with how it worked out.
Think of it this way, would the electric company or the telephone company take excuses like "Sorry, I spent all of my money on my vacation and I can't pay you this month" , or the car insurance company "Sorry, I can't pay my insurance this quarter because I only make minimum wage"? Of course, not.
The world won't enable your son and you shouldn't either.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-06-2013 at 04:46 PM..
That depends on how you feel about going to work every morning knowing your son is blowing through his money, not paying you back for the car, hanging with his friends and not doing what he said he will do: go to community college.
(Anyone ever give you a break on your bills because you changed your mind about holding up your end of a deal? Oh, and tell him you have a pen and will gladly give him whatever tatt he wants for 1/2 the money he's going to give Ink Man.)
He pays for his own insurance, phone, gas, basically all of his own expenses that are not directly related to the house (utilities, food in the house, etc). There is really nothing I can cut him off from. His insurance is around $180 a month and we are charging him $250 a month for the car. He takes home around $940 from work after taxes so after paying us and insurance he should have around $510. I've told him he needs to pay us and insurance first then put some in savings but somehow the money is spent before he gets to us. I told him that when he gets his next check (he gets paid biweekly) he is to go directly to the bank and take out the $250 in cash for the car and put the rest in the bank. He was supposed to pay us on Aug. 1 but he only has $100 left in his account as of sunday and he got paid on friday.
This is his first real job so as far as he's concerned he thinks he's rich, haha. He doesn't realize how little he's really making compared to the real world costs. I've tried to explain how much it will cost for rent/utilities but he doesn't see it. He is one of those people who lives in the here and now and doesn't look at the future.
I'd take him to the recruiter, and start that process. Sometimes you can get a waiver, but either way at least he knows you expect him to go through with it. I'd also make him start helping out around the house.
He pays for his own insurance, phone, gas, basically all of his own expenses that are not directly related to the house (utilities, food in the house, etc). There is really nothing I can cut him off from. His insurance is around $180 a month and we are charging him $250 a month for the car. He takes home around $940 from work after taxes so after paying us and insurance he should have around $510. I've told him he needs to pay us and insurance first then put some in savings but somehow the money is spent before he gets to us. I told him that when he gets his next check (he gets paid biweekly) he is to go directly to the bank and take out the $250 in cash for the car and put the rest in the bank. He was supposed to pay us on Aug. 1 but he only has $100 left in his account as of sunday and he got paid on friday.
This is his first real job so as far as he's concerned he thinks he's rich, haha. He doesn't realize how little he's really making compared to the real world costs. I've tried to explain how much it will cost for rent/utilities but he doesn't see it. He is one of those people who lives in the here and now and doesn't look at the future.
There are several things that you can do. Next time go with him to the bank to get the cash as soon as he cashes his paycheck or check out the automatic money transfer like my brother does (my earlier post).
Another thing is to sit down with him and go over the costs of living of your own in your area. Check out actual apartments (he probably will be shocked at the high costs for a small crappy apartment). Figure out electric bills, heating bills, cost of food, etc.
Maybe one of your friends has a child of about the same age who will share a list of their expenses with you and your son. Depending on where you live rent can vary dramatically. In my daughter's city the rent is $700 to $1,500 a month for a one bedroom apartment (depending on the area of town). My son just found a "bargain price" one bedroom apartment near his job in San Francisco for only$2,200 a month. Yet, in the small town where I grew up you can still find some very nice one bedroom places for $300 to $400 a month, in old converted houses. So check out what is typical in your area to be able to talk accurately with your son.
In addition to the $250 for the car, I would strongly suggest starting to charge him for rent & food and assign family chores as well.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-06-2013 at 07:41 PM..
I have an adult son living at home. The main thing I care about is that he contributes in one way or another. He never asks me to pay for anything "extra" (wouldn't dream of it) but he is expected to chip in in some manner because he is beyond the age where I am legally obligated to support him. Generally this is in the form of money from work, but if not, it would be in the form of household stuff/work/labor.
We don't have a problem but if we did, I'd probably be removing his internet access, kitchen access, and car access (if that applied, with my son it doesn't)..
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