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Didn't read the whole post, but I have one simple observation for you. Maybe grounding isn't working.
I agree. He is obviously one of those that grounding does not work on. I was like that, grounding just gave me tons of free time to work up clever little plans to aggravate the daylights out of you. I wasn't out of control like this boy is but when I did do something stupid, the last thing you wanted to do was give my mind too much free time.
I wonder if the boy is highly intelligent. If so, grounding is just giving him time to think of things to do to get even and probably isn't going to work.
What worked with me was a calm serious talk. I hated and I mean hated when I was told by someone, especially parents, that they were "disappointed in me." Giving him that talk and explaining that you know he is capable of better and you would like to be able to say you are proud to be his step dad or something along those lines.
With all of that said, I have to say that I agree with a few others. This sounds like a real train wreck of a family and might be one of those you would be far better off walking away from.
If that doesn't work, try a trip to the woodshed. That was also highly effective on me. Some people will probably follow me saying whippings and physicality won't work but they probably never had a hard headed son with an over active mind like me. I can honestly tell you that sometimes the only thing that worked for me was getting my ass lit up. lol My brother was just the opposite, he absolutely could not stand being grounded. Each kid is different and requires different styles of discipline.
Seems like grounding isnt working. That kid needs some serious help, i'd buy him some mental support for christmas instead of a phone or scooter parts.
The wisest discipline techniques don't necessarily work on 6 months-sober mom's new boyfriend. The kid has been through a revolving door of crap in his life, why would he shape up for this? Realistically....
Frankly, I would advise you to RUN AWAY and RUN away fast from this nightmare.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukiyo-e
Ditto. It baffles me why people voluntarily get enmeshed in such totallydysfunctional family situations as this. Whatever this woman has going for her, there are plenty of women who have all that and more and without the excess - make that excessive - baggage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2
Sounds like you take on damaged women and try to fix them as if they were a house.
Why are you trying to take on and "fix" people at almost 40?
A man with good sense and who is "strong" does not date a woman who has been on drugs half their relationship, rehab or not. This is the kind of woman you stay the hell away from, not try and "fix" her. Now she's let some man into her kid's life a few months after their father dies and who is trying to "fix" them too, including when she was on drugs!
Until you get them a new mother, these kids aren't going to be fixed to your liking.
I was thinking about the bolded quote. My daughter used to be quite active in the Miss American beauty pageant system and I got to know many of the other women very well. Each of the women (with very few exceptions) were intelligent, beautiful, well spoken, very physical fit, friendly and nice to be around. It always surprised me to learn how many didn't have regular boyfriends. Where were all of their potential dates? Well probably some of them were dating druggies, or sex fiends or dating skanks with a couple of illegitimate kids, leaving many very nice young women to stay home alone on date nights.
This child (and perhaps his siblings) need professional help. I'd start with their primary care doctor and go from there. Perhaps you'll get a referral to a psychiatrist.
As for the Christmas present, that's between the boy and his mother. Stay out of it. In fact, I think you should reduce your contact with the boy altogether. Given his history, he has a right to be distrustful of adults. His defiance is almost reasonable.
I don't think you will find the answer to make him a good boy on a public forum like this. This is a whole life of problems that the whole FAMILY needs to be involved in. Counseling is going to be the only answer. And reading books, have done any reading on dysfunctional families?
Just giving him or not giving him a phone at this point will not fix anything and is not the real issue.
This is way too involved. Dr. Phil says the step parent should never be the one discipling so if you can't get her to counseling to fix this dynamic there isn't much hope.
The wisest discipline techniques don't necessarily work on 6 months-sober mom's new boyfriend. The kid has been through a revolving door of crap in his life, why would he shape up for this? Realistically....
Dr. Phil says the step parent should never be the one discipling so if you can't get her to counseling to fix this dynamic there isn't much hope.
Dr. Phil also has a dope head son. His opinion isn't very high on my credibility list when it comes to raising/disciplining children.
Regardless of the source, the message is true. The family-- the whole family-- needs counseling and if OP (who is not even married to the mother and shouldn't be the disciplinarian) can't even convince his gf to get that, the issues and problems will get worse.
The last thing I would worry about in your situation would be if it was ok or not to buy a stupid present for Christmas. You have MUCH bigger issues than that.
I am amazed you are willing to deal with all of this since it probably would be easy to walk away from this mess. By judging from what I have read, the only way to make things better would be family and individual counseling.
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