Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
once again, According to common law, stepparents do not have a direct financial responsibility for the health, education, or welfare of their stepchildren. let that sink in
I know what the law is. It is the same here. But that doesn't change your moral responsibility to these children. You will ruin the relationship between your daughter and her brothers - do you want to do that to your daughter that you supposedly love?
so what if the boys dad was rich and bought them a car, the latest sneakers, the best schools?? wouldnt my daughter feel resentment or left out?? whats the difference? they all live together.
It would definitely cause resentment, and in that scenario I would advise your wife to have them leave all the extravagant "toys" at their father's house to enjoy on their time with him, rather than to bring over to your household and cause trouble for the family you two are trying to create. You and your fiancee are (supposedly) trying to form a household. It will never work as long as all kids in the household aren't treated equally. Your fiancee's ex has no reason to care if your household fails. However YOU should have a huge reason as it means losing your fiancee and also losing a stable home for your daughter and soon to be infant son.
Others who have responded are exactly right when they say a mother will choose her kids every time over a jerk who calls it "disrespectful" when they eat food in their own house. What kind of cardboard cutout imitation of a man calls a 7-year-old "disrespectful" for eating when he's hungry? She has already begun to notice the disparity given the comments she's made about Facebook and pictures for your desk at work. If you keep this up instead of checking your attitude, you will get your daughter and son into a miserable situation with half-siblings who resent them, a divorced household, and possibly even a new stepparent who treats them like second best.
So when your daughter gets a stepdad, and he treats her like sh*t while being good to "his own" kids...do not raise nary a voice in complaint.
Smile and tell your daughter that her stepdad owes her nothing.
treating like crap and being financially obligated are 2 diff things. im paying rent, food, christmas gifts, etc. just because im investing heavily into my own childrens education doesnt mean im treating them diff. i could see if bought my daughter a bunch of christmas gifts and didnt buy the boys anything. thats treating like crap. if i bought food for just my kids and let the boys starve. thats treating like crap. but investing in my daughters education is something i will not be sorry for. if i wanna send my daughter to a nice school, im gonna do it. if im busting my butt at work to do that, why not? and if my child ever got a stepdad, guess what? im still financially responsible. HELLO. u think my child support payments will get lower?? nope. im gonna pay her tuition. im gonna buy her prom dress. why?? BECAUSE THATS WHAT DADS DO. when u choose to have a child, u accept that responsiblity. there is no reason i should be spending more on the boys than their own dad. no reason.
I know what the law is. It is the same here. But that doesn't change your moral responsibility to these children. You will ruin the relationship between your daughter and her brothers - do you want to do that to your daughter that you supposedly love?
I see the problem, I think. You are marrying a woman with two kids...boys, to be specific, that were from a previous marriage. They've known you since the were very young. As far as they are concerned, you are the father figure. I don't know if they frequently see their biological father, but nonetheless, you've been the male figure in their house since they were babies. Now you have a little girl of your own with this woman. You love this girl because she's your own. The boys eat you out of house and home and this little girl is more special to you despite your fondness of the two boys. Of course, you are forgetting that girls can be more expensive than boys. Sure they don't always eat as much, but their clothes and the things they want or need tend to cost even more than boy stuff. Now you are expecting another child, a boy even! So this boy will either get your love or frustration of how much he eats.
Lets go back to the two boys of a previous relationship. True, you are not responsible for them financially. But they do deserve your love and fatherly attention. You are not giving it. You just want your babies and believe everyone is going to be OK with it. Not going to happen. You are marrying in to a family. You will be expected to be a full member of this family. You want to post pictures of your daughter. Thats fine, but do not ignore the two boys. They might not be yours biologically, but they are part of the woman you love. You love her, you are going to need to love every part of her including her kids. You marry her, you are in a way, expecting to take on some of the role as their father. That means accepting them as yours. They are not eating you out of house and home, they are children. They are growing. Your daughter and soon-to-be son will be doing the same.
If the children of your fiance were of adult age of 18+ years, then you can drop whatever responsibilities you may have of them. But they are still children with the love and acceptance of a new dad. If you are not willing to take them on as your own, then find a new woman. Compromise on custody of your two children and move on. This is not for you. It's nice you've been acting like a father to these boys as they've grown up, but just because you now have a daughter and son of your own, they are not garbage, they are still part of the family. Grow up, man up, be a father. Step-fathers to young families have more responsibilities than those of older adult kids. You walked in to this one, you can't just favor one over the other. As others have said, you'll create resentment and the marriage will fall to pieces, and that will be on you.
It would definitely cause resentment, and in that scenario I would advise your wife to have them leave all the extravagant "toys" at their father's house to enjoy on their time with him, rather than to bring over to your household and cause trouble for the family you two are trying to create. You and your fiancee are (supposedly) trying to form a household. It will never work as long as all kids in the household aren't treated equally. Your fiancee's ex has no reason to care if your household fails. However YOU should have a huge reason as it means losing your fiancee and also losing a stable home for your daughter and soon to be infant son.
Others who have responded are exactly right when they say a mother will choose her kids every time over a jerk who calls it "disrespectful" when they eat food in their own house. What kind of cardboard cutout imitation of a man calls a 7-year-old "disrespectful" for eating when he's hungry? She has already begun to notice the disparity given the comments she's made about Facebook and pictures for your desk at work. If you keep this up instead of checking your attitude, you will get your daughter and son into a miserable situation with half-siblings who resent them, a divorced household, and possibly even a new stepparent who treats them like second best.
when i buy food and its gone the very same day. thats greedy. maybe you guys can afford to keep buying food every 5 seconds but i cant. when i grew up, my mom would hide the snacks because she knew they would be gone in a flash. thats what i need to start doing.
treating like crap and being financially obligated are 2 diff things. im paying rent, food, christmas gifts, etc. just because im investing heavily into my own childrens education doesnt mean im treating them diff. i could see if bought my daughter a bunch of christmas gifts and didnt buy the boys anything. thats treating like crap. if i bought food for just my kids and let the boys starve. thats treating like crap. but investing in my daughters education is something i will not be sorry for. if i wanna send my daughter to a nice school, im gonna do it. if im busting my butt at work to do that, why not? and if my child ever got a stepdad, guess what? im still financially responsible. HELLO. u think my child support payments will get lower?? nope. im gonna pay her tuition. im gonna buy her prom dress. why?? BECAUSE THATS WHAT DADS DO. when u choose to have a child, u accept that responsiblity. there is no reason i should be spending more on the boys than their own dad. no reason.
Irrelevant.
IF your daughter lives in a house with her mother and stepfather and he chooses to treat his children better than your child; it is irrelevant what YOU do, your daughter will feel unwanted and unloved.
when i buy food and its gone the very same day. thats greedy. maybe you guys can afford to keep buying food every 5 seconds but i cant. when i grew up, my mom would hide the snacks because she knew they would be gone in a flash. thats what i need to start doing.
If they're eating it, that's not greedy, that's hungry. If you run out of food every five seconds, you need to either buy more at the store, or check into programs like WIC that will make sure there's enough food in the house for the kids. Or if you're buying special snacks that you want to hoard for yourself and not share with the kids, either buy more or don't get it for anyone.
when i buy food and its gone the very same day. thats greedy. maybe you guys can afford to keep buying food every 5 seconds but i cant. when i grew up, my mom would hide the snacks because she knew they would be gone in a flash. thats what i need to start doing.
I will give you a tip right now even though you are stressing me out.
I have teens...they eat A LOT. I grocery shop once per week. If they eat their snacks in 2 days...too bad, so sad. Eventually, they will learn to stretch their snacks.
If you're not prepared to be a father to those boys, with all the responsibilities that entails, then you shouldn't be marrying their mother.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
