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He is only 4, and he can not express himself and talk to you as an adult. And you expect him to be able somehow. That is probably maddening to him. I would be angry too.
You also seem to talk to him a lot, and seek consensus on everything, which is stressful for all involved. Stop consensus and over-analyzing things. Simplify! You and your husband (I will assume you are happily married) are his only blueprint for a family and relationships so far. Take some time, and asses the atmosphere and tone of your family blueprint.
Pulling this part out for emphasis. ^^^
Also, Dad's role is key here, and I don't feel confident that he realizes that.
Thanks everyone. The replies have really been very very useful.
Thanks to you, too, for starting this thread. My son is three and your struggles are not unfamiliar. Yesterday, among other things, while at the library he broke away from my wife and ran onto an elevator. Thankfully he pushed the alarm button rather than one of the other floors.
It is encouraging to know that my wife and I are not alone in our struggles and hopefully you are encouraged to know that as well. We just started working with an ABA therapist. I see glimmers of change, so perhaps it will be effective.
Goodness. I could only read the first few pages. Breaking his will? Authority as a parent? Over clothes?
Four was my FAVORITE age! I loved how independent they became at that age! I considered it a godsend that they were able to dress themselves.
This is your first step in learning how to help your child grow into an independent adult. That's the goal of parenting. Every step is towards instilling more and more independence as appropriate for the age. Your son is old enough to select what clothing he wants to wear for the day. He will learn about being too hot or too cold via the choices he makes.
Intelligent children should be permitted to use their intelligence to learn some things for themselves. You need to let go and stop micromanaging every single aspect of your child's life.
Thanks!
The thing is, I feel like there are separate issues going on here.
Some of it does have a legitimate reason, I agree - like the sleeves, which is why we didn't force or discipline for the issue, just tried talking him into it and reward.
You're spending way too much time and energy on insignificant things.
Your life should be as simple as this: Mom: "Time to get dressed." :::Kid goes and gets dressed in whatever kid pleases.:::
If he is wearing a long sleeved purple and red flowered shirt with long green and yellow striped pants in the heat of the summer, big deal. Where did I come up with purple and red flowered shirt with green and yellow striped pants? I can only assume that was my FAVORITE outfit when I was a little older than your son because there are soooooooooooo many family photos of me wearing that outfit! I survived childhood and safely became an adult without my mother worrying about if my clothes matched. Our summers are much more intense and humid than where you live.
Goodness. I could only read the first few pages. Breaking his will? Authority as a parent? Over clothes?
Four was my FAVORITE age! I loved how independent they became at that age! I considered it a godsend that they were able to dress themselves.
This is your first step in learning how to help your child grow into an independent adult. That's the goal of parenting. Every step is towards instilling more and more independence as appropriate for the age. Your son is old enough to select what clothing he wants to wear for the day. He will learn about being too hot or too cold via the choices he makes.
Intelligent children should be permitted to use their intelligence to learn some things for themselves. You need to let go and stop micromanaging every single aspect of your child's life.
Well the clothes was just one example; I just described it to show my point of him not responding to the promise of a reward.
What about other things though. Like not following set rules, not listening, doing things it says not to on signs (like 'Danger of electrocution!' or 'No leaning over fence' or 'Do not eat'), after we've talked and talked about it being dangerous; these really scare me. I end up having to supervise him more than some parents supervise their one and two year olds...
Most importantly, what about deliberate purposeful defiance, even if the thing itself is minor? That's what I tend to struggle with in terms of discipline. So if I tell him to put his cup on the counter and he looks at me and deliberately drops it on the floor; or refuses to get dressed/turn off tv/put away toys, whatever it is, after he's had warning - he's now mastered negotiating where he'll promise to, get dressed after finishing X - and it used to work really well and now he's started refusing to follow up on the promise. Again it's not the dressing itself that's the big deal, but the outright defiance/lying where he's just testing for our reaction. So yes we want to pick battles, but we also don't want to let these things go because that would just show him there are no firm boundaries...this is what we struggle with
Well the clothes was just one example; I just described it to show my point of him not responding to the promise of a reward.
What about other things though. Like not following set rules, not listening, doing things it says not to on signs (like 'Danger of electrocution!' or 'No leaning over fence' or 'Do not eat'), after we've talked and talked about it being dangerous; these really scare me. I end up having to supervise him more than some parents supervise their one and two year olds...
Most importantly, what about deliberate purposeful defiance, even if the thing itself is minor? That's what I tend to struggle with in terms of discipline. So if I tell him to put his cup on the counter and he looks at me and deliberately drops it on the floor; or refuses to get dressed/turn off tv/put away toys, whatever it is, after he's had warning - he's now mastered negotiating where he'll promise to, get dressed after finishing X - and it used to work really well and now he's started refusing to follow up on the promise. Again it's not the dressing itself that's the big deal, but the outright defiance/lying where he's just testing for our reaction. So yes we want to pick battles, but we also don't want to let these things go because that would just show him there are no firm boundaries...this is what we struggle with
Your using the clothes as an example allowed us to see that you're over controlling all facets of his life. Since you are controlling everything, he is gaining control by refusal because you can't make him do things. That's his control. He knows it.
Unfortunately, you're in the battle because you don't know it. You think you can control him when that's absolutely impossible. This is similar to realizing you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You have to come to this realization or you will continue to lose this battle of wits.
If you don't choose your battles, he will be defiant. He needs to have some areas of his life where he has some control. Offering a reward in advance to do anything is bribery. That's not how rewards work, and it can cause more misbehavior.
You need to choose your battles so he doesn't have the need to rebel on a constant basis. Instead of punishing, use natural consequences and not giving him attention for bad behavior. Yes, punishment is attention.
The firm boundaries ship already sailed. He already KNOWS there are no firm boundaries because you are offering rewards and negotiating. You need to start over, completely change your course of action.
This is how I'd start changing things:
---Incorporate quality time into your schedule.
---Catch him when he's behaving and give him a hug. Don't mention why. Just give extra positive attention when he is behaving.
---Whenever possible, allow choices. Again, with the clothes as an example Put out three outfits and allow him to choose. Make sure one has long sleeves for now since that is an issue.
---Have a good daily routine and give him ample time and multiple warnings when making transitions.
---Limit what you ask of him only to a select few important things. You can avoid defiance by not asking him to do specific things for now---such as cup on the counter. You can get the cup and put in on the counter yourself without even asking him to do it. That way you can focus on the important battles you chose for focus your attention.
---Use natural consequences instead of punishments. (In this regard, choose your first battles to be things that easily have natural consequences.) For example, if he refuses to get dressed, the natural consequence is he goes the way he is---naked, pajamas, etc.
---Don't negotiate. You created this monster yourself via offering rewards (begging) and giving in via negotiations (weakness). You're wanting to break his will and have authority as a parent, but your trying to control everything pretty much showed him you have no power.
---Don't expect change overnight. You're the one who taught him how to be manipulative. He needs time to learn new behaviors via positive reinforcement. Again, that's not giving rewards. It's giving positive attention when he is behaving the way you like. When he doesn't behave the way you like, you either ignore or allow natural consequences.
I think Hopes has set out a really good transition plan.
Natural consequences are very, very important with a strong-willed child like this, but sometimes that isn't good enough (we aren't going to let the child get hit by a car to show them that they shouldn't run in the street). In those cases, I have to be very, very consistent on discipline. If there's a safety issue and he doesn't comply, there's an immediate consequence. It might be a timeout (and when he crawls out of the timeout spot for the third time, I put him back for the third time and stand over him until the timeout is over), it might be the loss of a privilege (like bike riding), etc.
The fewer things that you try to exert control over, the more confident he is that he controls himself, the more likely he will be to do what you ask.
In my family, I really think it comes down to respect. I respect his control over his body, his ability to learn and to make decisions. He respects that I get to set or enforce a set of safety rules and house rule because I'm the mom and it's my house. We all try to respect those around us.
Natural consequences are very, very important with a strong-willed child like this, but sometimes that isn't good enough (we aren't going to let the child get hit by a car to show them that they shouldn't run in the street).
Yep. I didn't mention life and death scenarios because I thought they are no-brainers. Thanks for clarifying in case it was necessary
Children who do that don't respect their parents. Which is probably the core of your problem.
I honestly wonder, OP, what you do the moment when that happens.
I mean, do you maintain the same tone of voice and begin negotiations, reminding him of previous promises and rules, etc.?
Because one of my children did something similar once, and I stopped what I was doing, shouted his name loudly, picked him up, sat him down on the couch, and pointed straight at him and said, "Don't you EVER disobey me again. Do you hear me? When I tell you to do something, you DO it ..." in a VERY sharp tone.
Then I told him to go to another room.
It did not break his will. He also never did it again.
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