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I'm open to suggestions. I'm resistant to just throw her out because she has nowhere to go. What happens to young women on the street? I keep thinking there has to be another way to motivate her. If her boyfriend wasn't paying for everything she wants, we could motivate her by just not paying for stuff but he buys her what she wants. I wish he'd disappear for about a year.
But this is not the boyfriend's fault. It's HER fault. Removing the boyfriend isn't going to change HER. Good lawd stop placing blame everywhere but where it belongs.
YOU can't motivate her. You can only give her the tools to move forward. She has to motivate herself. But you can be supportive instead of confrontational. Perhaps set her up in a small place nearby and promise to help wit the rent on condition that she finds a job and looks into a career path. Tell her you know she can handle it and that you have faith in her ability to do so. Instead of taking things away as a motivational tool, maybe try giving her a bit of encouragement and put yourself out here a bit in a way that will be positive in HER mind.
I don't know what you've got to lose. The streets are certainly not the only option.
I agree! It sounds to me like the entire family has issues.
If we can tell through this forum that Ivory favors DD2 then her daughters definitely know that as well. The thing I find most disturbing is that DD1 obviously wants to have a child. The only reason she's not pregnant now is either luck or because her bf is sensible enough to use condoms. It sounds like it's only a matter of time though. Does her bf know she wants a baby so badly? Do his parents have any idea? Scary, indeed...
Ivory, talk to your daughter's bf and make sure he is 100% aware that she is hoping to get pregnant. I would talk to his parents as well, if you can. After that you need to start showing your daughter that you love her unconditionally while at the same time giving her goals and consequences. That will be very difficult to do. I think you will need a professional counselor's help in order to pull things off.
She probably thinks a baby will give her the love she needs. But babies take a lot more love than they give.
If you are that worried about her well being if you put her out and I understand that, then just keep things the way they are until she eventually finishes school. Have her at least try to earn her keep by doing things around the house and out in the yard if you are not doing that already. She can even keep the car clean that you let her use to go back and forth to school. Just don't let it be a totally free ride.
If she were in school full time, I wouldn't have even posted this. It's the fact we've gone from 12 credits a semester to 7 with no job in sight and she wants to take the summer off of school because she's "stressed out" (I want her to take 12 credits to make up for credits she didn't take in the fall/winter if she's not working). At 7 credits a semester, it will take her 5 years to get an associates degree. This cannot continue. The question is how to fix it.
If she were on a path to get an associates degree in even 3 years, I'd tough it out until she got the associates and then work on helping her go away to school. Once both kids are in college, they should get considerable financial aid so it will be possible for her to go away to school. I'm not sure she will as that will likely depend on the boyfriend situation but I can hope. I want to see some motivation one way or the other. Either motivation to finish a degree or motivation to get a job work towards independence. 7 credits, no job and wanting the summer off because she's "stressed" does not cut it.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 04-21-2014 at 04:30 PM..
She probably thinks a baby will give her the love she needs. But babies take a lot more love than they give.
Actually, she doesn't like babies. However, I do fear that she will see getting pregnant as a way to be taken care of. While dh and I might throw her out, we'd never throw a baby out. I fear pushing her is pushing her that direction and she is not ready for a baby. Actually, I can see her being CBC. She's not a giving person. As was mentioned before, she lacks empathy. No one knows why but she just does. It's something we're supposed to develop on our own by the age of 5 (usually earlier) but she didn't. She views the world through how things impact her not anyone else. She wouldn't have a baby because she'd think the baby would give love. She'd have one thinking that others will have to take care of her because she has a baby and she'd be right. Just don't tell her that. She needs no encouragement to go there.
Actually, she doesn't like babies. However, I do fear that she will see getting pregnant as a way to be taken care of. While dh and I might throw her out, we'd never throw a baby out. I fear pushing her is pushing her that direction and she is not ready for a baby. Actually, I can see her being CBC. She's not a giving person. As was mentioned before, she lacks empathy. No one knows why but she just does. It's something we're supposed to develop on our own by the age of 5 (usually earlier) but she didn't. She views the world through how things impact her not anyone else. She wouldn't have a baby because she'd think the baby would give love. She'd have one thinking that others will have to take care of her because she has a baby and she'd be right. Just don't tell her that. She needs no encouragement to go there.
It's interesting that you have her so figured out so early in life. Most parents take a long time to see the truth in their kids.
Your daughter needs to find something to do... maybe if you can't get her to find a job, then tell her she needs to volunteer work for 15 hours approx. a week. You can find volunteer places on line.. try and find ones she might be interested in... if she likes animals a no kill shelter, if she might be good in a health care field... volunteer at a hospital etc.
She needs to get out of the house and away from her friends... she needs to be exposed to the real world... people that have less than you, not just folks who are better off.
You could find a career counselor and maybe get some aptitude tests taken. If she is not college material then she needs to go to community college and learn a skill: nursing, being a chef, becoming a hairdresser, an auto mechanic, an
electrician etc. yes there are women who do the later jobs. She needs to have some training so she will not have to work at minimum wage and/ or count on a family member to get her a job.
Also she needs to contribute to the house hold: go grocery shopping, do errands, learn how to cook, do laundry and/or dry cleaning etc... take out the trash. You need to assign jobs to her and her sister both. I don't know how you can enforce them if she won/t cooperate.
Dr. Phil talks to folks with problems similar to yours all the time... maybe he has a book that will help. My Mom went back to work when I was 12 full time. I did grocery shopping and cooked meals. I did anything my Mom asked... but she was a perfectionist and some things she would probably want to do herself... so she did not have to be upset with what I had done. I also mowed the yard and feed the cats. Mom did do the dishes and do most the clean up after I cooked... no dishwasher.
I did not know what I wanted to major in... while in college and I floundered around, kind of like your daughter got incompletes and dropped classes... I lived away from home. My parents let this go on because I said I would not stay at home that I would run away.
Eventually, I found classes I liked better and learned how to study. Also learned I did better in morning classes. I did not have a car and always had roommates. My parents thought I walked most places,... I did lots of walking but also hitchhiked.... yes I was raped 2 times one time at 18 and another time at 21. I did not tell anyone and was using birth control so I did not get pregnant.
Later I went to a small private college and not a big state university.. that made all the difference. In the town I grew up in there was only a small private expensive college... I would have had to live at home to go there... and had a scholarship. I was not scholarship material at age 18. The branch of the big state university opened up when I was 18 but I would have needed my own car to go there... it was 20 miles away and they had very limited classes. My family only had 1 car.
She probably thinks a baby will give her the love she needs. But babies take a lot more love than they give.
I fear for and pity the baby/child of anyone officially diagnosed with a lack of empathy, especially when it's such a telling trait in narcissists and sociopaths. Babies, and children, need a whole lot of empathy from their caregivers. She's got it ass backward if she thinks she's going to get what she's missing in her life from a baby, and she's missing an important part of what's required of a parent to build a healthy relationship with their children to even have a chance of achieving that sense of validation later in life.
ETA: and having a baby so you can be taken care of will backfire horribly. All of the attention and care will be on the baby, not her.
I find it odd when parents don't know their kids. We live with them from the time they are born.
Well they probably know them, it just takes a loooong time for them to admit it to themselves that their kids have problems and what those problems are and how they're affecting their lives.
I fear for and pity the baby/child of anyone officially diagnosed with a lack of empathy, especially when it's such a telling trait in narcissists and sociopaths. Babies, and children, need a whole lot of empathy from their caregivers. She's got it ass backward if she thinks she's going to get what she's missing in her life from a baby, and she's missing an important part of what's required of a parent to build a healthy relationship with their children to even have a chance of achieving that sense of validation later in life.
ETA: and having a baby so you can be taken care of will backfire horribly. All of the attention and care will be on the baby, not her.
Oh gawd me too. Lack of empathy is not good.
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This cannot continue. The question is how to fix it.