What to do with a child who doesn't want to grow up (classes, 19 year old)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That's one reason I wouldn't want to actually throw a 19 year old out. Even if the kid was being lazy. I would throw the kid out for doing pot or coming home drunk but not just for being lazy -- some people are lazy -- they never have much ambition.
As long as the other parents are willing to take them in again, at least she's safe enough there. It helps you if she leaves and goes to live with them -- it gives you time to decide what the rules will be if and when she wants to come back. It's better for those other parents to see that their son buys her clothes and stuff but doesn't pay room and board.
I would stop paying for college for the time being. It doesn't mean you can't save the money for a later time when she shows more interest and isn't going to just drop classes and waste your money. In fact I think it almost enables her -- she currently has the excuse that she's in college and so doesn't have to work, even though 7 credits is pretty much a joke since she has nothing else to do.
It remains to be seen whether or not they will take her in. They did once and got fed up with her which is why she came home. I'd love to see the two of them get an apartment right now. Her refusal to get a job would really bite them. He makes all of $400/week which is probably enough to pay for an apartment and his car and car insurance but won't leave much left for groceries.
She talks about moving out with him all the time. She's asked for some extra furniture we have left from when her dad left and set up his own apartment and I've told her she can have it. I figure something will have to give if she moves in with him. Either he'll get to the point he's had enough and they'll break up or she'll have to get a job so they can eat.
I agree on the college classes. That's her #1 excuse for not getting a job. Unfortunately, her best bet for getting a job is through on campus placement but she won't go talk to them because her cousin runs on campus placement and she won't use connections to get a job. She wants to do it on her own. UGH. IMO this is just an excuse because she knows her cousin will fix her up with a job. I expect she'll look but not find a job and use that she CAN'T find one as her next excuse. I am very frustrated. If she goes to see her cousin, she'll be working next week.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 04-22-2014 at 05:56 AM..
Yes, a job and schooling would be wonderful. But, it won't magically happen. This girl needs help. Not merely tough love, but tough love with direction.
That's what I'm trying to figure out. The question is how to put her in a situation where she accepts that it is to her advantage to work or be working towards a realistic goal without risking her safety. I'm finding it difficult to motivate her when her boyfriend just provides what we refuse to.
Any ideas on how to administer tough love with direction when what I take away her boyfriend will provide? My problem is I have no leverage with her other than a place to live and that's the one thing I don't want to take away from her because I fear what might happen to her on the street.
Enough already with the, "I fear what will happen to her out on the street." She is not going to end up homeless, hooking for crack if you send her off out into the world.
She is an adult and it is not your responsibility to plan or organize or worry out the details of her life. It's up to her now. If you are done providing a roof over her head and 3 square meals, tell her she a) gets a job and pays you room and board, or b) moves out. What she chooses to do after that is up to her. I guarantee you that she will get her act together before living alongside a dumpster in a back alley is the only option left to her.
She's 19. Old enough to live on her own. If she doesn't play by your rules, then you need to show her some tough love and kick her out of the house, where she will quickly learn that there are no free lunches in this world. Simple as that.
I have lived on my own since I went away to college at age 18. Unlike today's entitled youth, I wasn't babied my entire life. I knew what was expected of me and worked hard to get what I want. That kind of work ethic is mostly absent in the millennial generation and I place the blame squarely on enabling parents such as the OP.
you are missing the point of kicking her out. the point isn't for her to end up on the streets. the point is a reality check so she'll get a job and not end up on the street.
So then she would rather be homeless than get a job through her cousin, hmmm.
This cousin thing is actually an important part of this because then there is no excuse for not getting a job. It should be so easy for everyone. The crazy I want to do it on my own excuse is just the only thing she can come up with and people who insist on getting their way are great at quick excuses.
I would tell her that reasoning is unacceptable and give her a couple of weeks to get it together and tell her she will see the cousin for a job at that point, or no more support. You can say whatever about "the streets" if a young woman is so averse to working that she would choose that uncertainty over showing up at a job like the rest of us do so we can eat and live, what can you do.
I would agree. The question is how to do that. When she claimed to be stressed out with 12 credits I worried that she just can't handle college but 7???? Come on, that's 7 hours of class a week and if she has 2 hours of homework for each hour of class, she has 21 hours a week accounted for. The question is how to kick her in the butt without kicking her out. I fear she'll end up raped or worse if she ends up on the street with nowhere to go but things cannot continue the way they are. I do believe this is just laziness. Yes, she has an issue with empathy but that does not prevent her from making decisions that are good for her and the ones she's making aren't.
If your daughter is as bad as she's coming across to us, do you really think she's going to spend one night on the street? She'll find a place to go.
Ivory, your threads always take this pattern, 20+ pages of great advice, but do you ever take any of it? If you put her on the street she would be home in a day, the street doesn't suck in people like her, it is far more complex than that. 19, people have f/t jobs and families at that age. My sister was the same and she is still a bum at home at 26, this isn't going to magically go away. There is no point in 20 pages of advice when no action will be taken. This family strikes me as one that wants to complain but not actually take action. Empty threats.
OP, why don't you let her look for a job and then contact the cousin on your own and have them place her in a job? Then, you can say from her job "searching" someone found her resume/skills interesting. I think that would be a real turning point. Let's say she wasn't looking jobs, and has the nerve to tell you that then you'll see how big the problem is. If she goes with it, at least she got help.
So then she would rather be homeless than get a job through her cousin, hmmm.
This cousin thing is actually an important part of this because then there is no excuse for not getting a job. It should be so easy for everyone. The crazy I want to do it on my own excuse is just the only thing she can come up with and people who insist on getting their way are great at quick excuses.
I would tell her that reasoning is unacceptable and give her a couple of weeks to get it together and tell her she will see the cousin for a job at that point, or no more support. You can say whatever about "the streets" if a young woman is so averse to working that she would choose that uncertainty over showing up at a job like the rest of us do so we can eat and live, what can you do.
That's what I'm thinking. It's just an excuse. I've pointed out to her that I got my first job through my brother and dh got his through his father's reputation. There is no shame in having family help you find work. This is just an excuse because she knows her cousin will place her in a job. That's what he does. He places college students in jobs.
I like giving her a couple of weeks and then she sees her cousin or moves out. At least that gives her time to figure out where to go if she goes that route.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
