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Ivory, I'm sympathetic but my question is... do you and your husband accept that you have created this monster?
Because until you do, you will not take the necessary steps to help your daughter past this.
So if Ivory "accepts", then what?
@ivory: First, I am sorry to hear you have troubles with your daughter. Perhaps it will just take some time. If you could convince the girl to be a full-time, reasonably driven college student - this is all that would be needed right now.
At 19-20, many young adults are still heavily dependent on their parents - and it's ok for things to be like this today as long as the child is focused on school and driven to get the most out of it.
Q: where does the boyfriend have money from to buy her things?
Then she will understand that she has work to do to correct the situation instead of wringing her hands in helplessness as if this daughter just turned out this way all on her own
Basically, this situation did not just occur on its own, so mom and dad need to bear their share of the responsibility. This kid needs boundaries, guidance and clear expectations set for her with equally clear consequences.
It is not too late to turn this situation around, but it won't happen if Ivory and her husband don't present a united front and take action.
Last edited by lovesMountains; 04-19-2014 at 11:41 PM..
Then she will understand that she has work to do to correct the situation instead of wringing her hands in helplessness as if this daughter just turned out this way all on her own
I see what you are saying but I strongly believe parents are not the ONLY factor that explains how children turn out - even if they play a hugely important role. Other factors come into play too - as much as we'd like to believe patents have complete control over their children's character formation. They don't.
Perhaps ivory simply needs some empathy and practical suggestions.
What happens to her God forbid you and your husband are in a car crash and die? It's in your and her best interest to get her to be independent. Do you want grandchildren? Is she capable of being a mother and wife?
Time to get tough with her because if you don't at some point life will. Sit her down and have a real hard talk with her about life and let her understand life is about choices and she will have to make some choices about starting her life.
@ivory: First, I am sorry to hear you have troubles with your daughter. Perhaps it will just take some time. If you could convince the girl to be a full-time, reasonably driven college student - this is all that would be needed right now.
At 19-20, many young adults are still heavily dependent on their parents - and it's ok for things to be like this today as long as the child is focused on school and driven to get the most out of it.
Q: where does the boyfriend have money from to buy her things?
I would be thrilled if she was focusing on being a full time college student. I really just want her working towards some kind of goal. She is going nowhere fast if she stays on the same path she's on. I would be fine with her going to school full time in the summer and making up for some of the credits she's not taken or dropped but she says she's too stressed. I'm sitting here thinking stressed about what? She has 2 classes - a total of 7 credits and does nothing else.
Her boyfriend works full time. He only makes around $10/hour but he lives with his parents. I don't know if there is any arrangement for him to pay them rent. He seems to be at my house all the time only going home to sleep and that's only because we won't let him stay the night.
I really don't know where this comes from. She has not been given everything. She's chosen all along to just not work for anything beyond what we give her. Growing up I put my girls on a clothing allowance and gave them lunch money for school. Other than that they had to earn money. This was the same as her sister who we don't have this problem with. Dd#1 was shocked and angry that the allowance stopped at 18. Then the boyfriend started buying her stuff. I am very concerned for her. If this does not change any man who is willing to take care of her can hold a lot of power over her.
I don't know if you've read anything about love languages but dd#1's is definitely gifts. You have to give her things to make her feel loved and the boyfriend plays right into that with her. I really wish he'd get tired of this and stop doing it. They act like a married couple only they both live with their parents. She seems to think she's entitled to his money and he plays along.
I had a standoff similar to that with an 18 year boy once -- he had started working at age 16, his choice not mine. I provided him a car, he was supposed to keep it maintained but he spent his money on video games and going out with friends. He lost his job at age 18 through his own irresponsibility. He wasn't saving up anything for college.
I wasn't ready to kick him out -- I would do that if drugs or out-and-out defiance were involved but that wasn't the case. So I quit nagging him, I waited until he would ask me for money -- first he'd beg for $20 because his friends were going out to a movie and he wanted to go. Nope. Then he'd lower it $10 so he could meet them after for something to eat. Nope. Then $5 -- just $5 !! please, please, please, just this once. Nope --- you don't see me going out for a hamburger and I worked my tail off all day. He couldn't borrow my car --- then it was how was he going to get a job if he didn't have a car -- and I reminded him he had a car but didn't maintain it. How was he going to maintain it now without a job? I told him it sounded like he had a problem. I reminded him he did have a bike.
Now he laughs about it -- he actually told me he was going to see how long I'd hold out -- and then he realized I wasn't going to budge and he was tired of not having anything. He's doing great now -- he finished school, has a good job, wants to get his phd.
I like your solution but the only friend she has is the boyfriend and he pays for everything. She's always been a loaner and always had just one friend at a time when she has friends. One of my problems is a lack of leverage other than a place to live and I'm not ready to kick her out onto the street just yet. I may get there but I'm not there yet.
When we told her we wouldn't pay for her cell phone anymore, she and her boyfriend got their own plan that he pays for. When we stopped buying her clothes, he started buying her clothes. If we don't put gas in the car, he does. Though she is losing the keys to the car if she's not working and not in school. That won't really impact her though as she only goes to school and places with her boyfriend. It's not like she wants to run around with girlfriends like her sister. I would have a ton of leverage over dd#2 in a situation like this.
While I like her boyfriend, I need him to go away for a year and leave her on her own. She hasn't had to do without because we won't pay for things because he's always there to fix it.
Is it possible to talk with the boyfriend and his parents about how he is enabling her and that he needs to stop? BF buys her a phone, buys her clothes, will let her use his car this summer and probably pays for dates and other expenses. No wonder she doesn't want to work. DD has it made, no job, no responsibility, all summer off.
Normally, I would not suggest that a parent cut off or kick out an 18 or 19 year old adult child unless they were using drugs or something similar but in this case it may be the right thing to do. Or at least give her a 60 day deadline. Start paying for food & rent or move out.
DD moved out once because she didn't like your rules perhaps it is time for her to move out again.
Dh is ready to kick her out. If I thought she had somewhere to go I would. When she left before, she stayed with her boyfriend's parents but as she tells it they hate her. I know her. She's a drama queen and lazy. They'd had enough and sent her back home.
I like the idea of a deadline. If she's not in school full time, the free ride stops. That's been clear all along. I can't believe she didn't look for a job after she dropped a 5 credit class this past semester. I have a feeling that what will happen is they will move in together but at this point that doesn't seem all bad as if they're paying rent, for utilities and buying their own food they may come to appreciate the value of a dollar. It certainly will push her towards working. My fear is she'll drop out of school completely. She needs an education. She's not a people person so the service industry won't suit her. She'd be better off working with animals or data and both will require an education.
He seems to be at my house all the time only going home to sleep and
that's only because we won't let him stay the night.
That's the first rule I'd put in place. She's either enrolled full time or taking a partial class load and employed part time or no guests over at the house.
You need to start making this "arrangement" she's enjoying a lot less cushy. Right now there's zero motivation for her to do anything because 1. You let her use the car (stop. get her a bike or let her take the bus.) 2. You let her do anything she wants at home (stop. boyfriend is not allowed over unless she's following the school/work requirements--the day she loses the job or drops a class? no more boyfriend for the rest of the semester) 3. She gets everything she wants for free. (you need to turn up the heat on her and boyfriend. if he wants this monster he's creating, let him have it--if she has no car access, if he can't come over to your house, he'll figure out she's a burden.)
You need to make the comforts she's enjoying contingent on her following the conditions you set out. If she loves lounging at the house with the BF, make that the first thing you cut. Let her know TONIGHT that she has one week to find a part time job for the summer, and that you expect her enrolled in two summer school classes as well. If she doesn't have that taken care of within the week, BF is not allowed over at the house UNTIL it's taken care of. If she drops the classes or quits the job, BF immediately loses coming over privileges UNTIL she is once again enrolled or finds another job.
They'll get sick of always having to be at his parents' house or hanging out at McDonald's if you quit making it comfortable for them. I would focus on DD getting a career she can support herself with. I would start pushing lines of work that are within her grasp--vet tech is a good one.
Of course she needs an education but I think she is too immature right now to appreciste this and embrace education's importance. Give her time. Especially after knocking around with nothing she will get in the right frame of mind. A lot of people are not ready for higher education just because they graduated from high school. But I bet she will come around.
I think you should cut her off with no money except for BIRTH CONTROL. Have the rx filled yourself and give it to her.
If I was the BF parent I would be miffed that my kid was not paying rent or food costs yet had money enough to basically support this girl. Do they know where his money goes? Could you call a conference with the parents (with or without the kids) to explain your concerns and together to make a plan of action? I would think they have "a dog in this fight" since it very well might be they are upset with him too.
That's the first rule I'd put in place. She's either enrolled full time or taking a partial class load and employed part time or no guests over at the house.
You need to start making this "arrangement" she's enjoying a lot less cushy. Right now there's zero motivation for her to do anything because 1. You let her use the car (stop. get her a bike or let her take the bus.) 2. You let her do anything she wants at home (stop. boyfriend is not allowed over unless she's following the school/work requirements--the day she loses the job or drops a class? no more boyfriend for the rest of the semester) 3. She gets everything she wants for free. (you need to turn up the heat on her and boyfriend. if he wants this monster he's creating, let him have it--if she has no car access, if he can't come over to your house, he'll figure out she's a burden.)
You need to make the comforts she's enjoying contingent on her following the conditions you set out. If she loves lounging at the house with the BF, make that the first thing you cut. Let her know TONIGHT that she has one week to find a part time job for the summer, and that you expect her enrolled in two summer school classes as well. If she doesn't have that taken care of within the week, BF is not allowed over at the house UNTIL it's taken care of. If she drops the classes or quits the job, BF immediately loses coming over privileges UNTIL she is once again enrolled or finds another job.
They'll get sick of always having to be at his parents' house or hanging out at McDonald's if you quit making it comfortable for them. I would focus on DD getting a career she can support herself with. I would start pushing lines of work that are within her grasp--vet tech is a good one.
Good advice. What I need is leverage. Her BF not being able to come over would definitely be leverage.
Thanks
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