What to do with a child who doesn't want to grow up (BF, ideas)

[Ivorytickler]

I am at wits end with my oldest daughter. She's almost 19 and refuses to get a job. We told her she has a free place to stay as long as she's in school and are paying for her classes. She registered for 12 credits last semester but dropped 5 after the drop date (so she has a W on her transcript and there was no refund). I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now. Other than food and allowing her to use our car to get back and forth to classes we don't give her anything. She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.

Everything is all or nothing with her. She'll get a job when she graduates with her veterinary degree because she doesn't want any other job besides being a vet. I seriously doubt she'll even get into vet school with her lackadaisical attitude about classes. Taking 7 credits at a time will take 9 years just to finish a bachelor's degree and vet school is VERY COMPETITIVE.

I have no idea why she's this way. She grew up watching me work full time and go to grad school (I took 6 years to get my second masters because I was working full time and had two kids). She was raised by parents with good work ethics and she's had working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work. Her sister OTOH can't wait for independence. At 16 she's working and saving to buy a car and mad at us that we won't let her buy one before she's 18. It's like my kids were born on different planets. One has dug her heels in and refuses to grow up while the other is well on her way out the door at 16.

Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.

Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old. I'm furious that she's only taking 7 credits and not looking for work. A friend of the family who does temporary placements offered to place her in a job but she refused saying she wants to do it on her own but she doesn't do anything.

The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?

[afoigrokerkok]

If she's only taking 7 hours of classes you shouldn't be supporting her. I don't think kicking her out without at least giving her a chance to shape up first is the right way to handle the situation, but you have to get the message across that she doesn't get a free ride for 9 years while getting a Bachelors and then while getting a DVM for another nine years after that (given her schedule). She'll be 36 by then.

Maybe you could tell her that, next semester, she must take 15 hours of classes minimum, not drop any, and pass them all or she will either be kicked out or she will be given nothing but a bed and ramen noodles or peanut butter sandwiches if you can't kick her out. On top of that, you could remind her that she's responsible for her own "extras" either way as it seems you're already doing.

If she and her BF break up, she will be forced to find another BF who is willing to do the same thing or to get a job. You could stop letting her use the car, maybe you could offer to drive her to and from school if she doesn't want to get a job to pay for her own. Does she have a cell phone? Who pays for it?

What are her plans for the summer?

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok

If she's only taking 7 hours of classes you shouldn't be supporting her. I don't think kicking her out without at least giving her a chance to shape up first is the right way to handle the situation, but you have to get the message across that she doesn't get a free ride for 9 years while getting a Bachelors and then while getting a DVM for another nine years after that (given her schedule). She'll be 36 by then.

I don't seem to have leverage here other than kicking her out. She only has use of the car to get back and forth to school and I don't buy her things as it is. We had hoped that when we stopped buying her clothes and such that she'd see the value in getting a job but the boyfriend has taken the sting out of that. I don't know why he puts up with this.

You are correct that it is unacceptable that she take 7 credits at a time. The deal was full time school and then it was only for a way back and forth to school and room and board. She can take15 credits and work 20 hours a week to buy her own clothes and take care of her own entertainment. The question is how to get her to do that.

[afoigrokerkok]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I don't seem to have leverage here other than kicking her out. She only has use of the car to get back and forth to school and I don't buy her things as it is. We had hoped that when we stopped buying her clothes and such that she'd see the value in getting a job but the boyfriend has taken the sting out of that. I don't know why he puts up with this.

You are correct that it is unacceptable that she take 7 credits at a time. The deal was full time school and then it was only for a way back and forth to school and room and board. She can take15 credits and work 20 hours a week to buy her own clothes and take care of her own entertainment. The question is how to get her to do that.

See the edit to my post. I added some ideas. I hope it all works out.

I guess I'd just try and ignore the BF buying her things, as hard as it might be. Just take peace in the fact that you and your husband aren't buying her things and, as long as she's not doing anything illegal to get her non-necessities, just consider how she gets them her business.

[tamajane]

She needs a kick in the pants. I would use that leverage. There is no way she should be able to make these crazy rules. Unfortunately some people are just entitled and this won't teach her a lesson, she will just find other people like the boyfriend to use to get out of doing what she doesn't want to do. You don't have to participate/enable in this. At least she will take you seriously if you are willing to actually go through with kicking her out if she doesn't do the reasonable things you ask.

You other daughter seems to be making up for slacker daughter, it's refreshing to hear of teens with a work ethic.

[Mattie]

Draw up a contract listing what she needs to do to remain in school and living at home with your support. Have her sign it, and stick to it.

Vet school is very difficult to get into. It's time to rip the band-aid off that dream. At the very least she should be working for a vet now, and building up references. Without them, forget it.

[Kibbiekat]

Next semester, set more specific guidelines. Tell her she has to take and finish 15 (or 12 or whatever) credits and pass them with c's or better or she's on her own after that.

[shaylahc]

Originally Posted by Kibbiekat

Next semester, set more specific guidelines. Tell her she has to take and finish 15 (or 12 or whatever) credits and pass them with c's or better or she's on her own after that.

I agree, and along with the guidelines, set consequences. She needs to understand that her living at home is tied to her doing these things (getting a job, going to school fulltime, etc). I know when my mom wanted me to move out she started charging me rent. I was gone within months. I figured if I was going to pay rent I might as well have my own place.

I think some children will take advantage of their parents if allowed to. i know it puts us in a hard place as parents, but sometimes the only way to get them to change and grow is to stop enabling them. Who wouldn't want to live at home rent free? You have to make the alternative look more desirable. Stop providing her with a car, food, etc, start charging her rent, and she'll be gone before you know it. That also requires you to follow through with these things, if you start feeling sorry for her and making exceptions, she'll quickly learn you don't mean what you say, and will continue to take advantage of you.

[aplcr0331]

Quote from you; "other than...we don't give her anything".

1. Free rent, depending on where you live; $300-600 a month.
2. Tuition, depending on the school; $250-$750 a month.
3. Food, $200 a month.
4. Car, Insurance too? $200-$500 a month.

You currently give a girl with no job, poor college performance, and a crappy attitude anywhere from $1000-$2000 a month. $12,000-$24,000 per year for snark and back talking. I'm thinking one of you is getting a raw deal. How's your retirement funding going?

You are giving here everything she needs. And for a little hanky-panky here and there some of her wants are filled by the boyfriend.

I wouldn't work either, too bad I could never find a girl dumb enough to trade 45 seconds of mediocre sex for some clothes.

This is alarming as well; "working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work". Were these HER goals, or goals picked out by parents?

You know the answer to your question, there is not much else you can do. It's hard when the little birds have a mind of their own and don't follow our plans. Don't worry you've prepared her enough and with love, she'll figure it out. Being hungry, poor, and have no disposable income is usually enough for most birds to learn to fly.

Good luck.

[kodokan]

How far away is school? If it's within 5 miles, get her a bike - cars are a luxury only for working people. The exercise and fresh air will be good for her.