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Wow, now this is the definition of entitled. I didn't work any part time jobs either when I was in University, because I chose to focus on my studies - it was just easier that way. What I DID do was get summer employment in my field of related study, and racked in around $5000 Canadian each summer - The $5000 easily lasted me for the next school year in terms of living expenses (parents were gracious and didn't need me to pay rent).
She needs an attitude check.
1. Either get on her and start working hard in school (7 credits, WTF?!)
2. Get a job to save money and use her time wisely.
Location: where you sip the tea of the breasts of the spinsters of Utica
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Lots of women don't get careers - all through history, most women have been housewives. If she doesn't want to get a career, the burden falls on the boyfriend to marry her ..... or ..... stop getting the milk. Not that I'm calling her a cow, but that's the way things should be with younger people. If she wants to stay with you instead of getting married or getting a job, then make her do all the household chores, as would historically be the role of an unmarried adult daughter.
Only if she refuses all options should you kick her to the curb ...... actually you should give her one last free ride, to the local homeless shelter.
I'm only half-kidding when I say she should get married.
Has she actually checked into the requirements to get in Vet school ? I've always heard it harder than Med school.
You also ought to get her to dig deep into these requirements and understand them before she wastes 5 years studying something that may not be realistic.
Or maybe it will wake her up if she really wants it that bad.
Lots of great advice here about doing "tough love". When it comes to kicking her out---please bear this in mind---In some states, parents are responsible for their kids until the kid turns 21. A relative found this out the hard way.
We had to do tough love with our daughter. She went away to college. Before going, we let her know that we weren't forcing college on her. If she didn't want to go, she would be expected to get a full-time job. The first semester of college, she did her schoolwork and passed her courses. Second semester, she decided to party and flunked everything. We didn't know what happened at the time so we offered her a chance at summer school. She refused. Long story, but we found about the partying. At that point, she was living in the state where the college was and had a so-called "summer" job. We told her we found out why she failed her classes and told her that she was now on her own and wouldn't get another cent from us. If she ever decided to go back to college, she would have to do it on her own dime. Once the contract on her phone was up, we cancelled it. We did warn her that that would happen. She did put us through some more grief. However, in the end, she got her act together. She now is married and has a family of her own and, in fact, has a really good job.
Doing tough love isn't easy but sometimes it has to be done.
Your daughter needs to know that the gravy train has come to an end. As another poster mentioned, if she wants to be a vet, she needs to get some working experience in that field. This business of not ever working until she is out of school has to stop now.
Has she actually checked into the requirements to get in Vet school ? I've always heard it harder than Med school.
You also ought to get her to dig deep into these requirements and understand them before she wastes 5 years studying something that may not be realistic.
Or maybe it will wake her up if she really wants it that bad.
I am at wits end with my oldest daughter. She's almost 19 and refuses to get a job. We told her she has a free place to stay as long as she's in school and are paying for her classes. She registered for 12 credits last semester but dropped 5 after the drop date (so she has a W on her transcript and there was no refund). I told her the other day that she needs to get a job and her response was to tell me she hasn't needed one for 18 years and doesn't need one now. Other than food and allowing her to use our car to get back and forth to classes we don't give her anything. She has a boyfriend who buys her clothes and stuff. She contributes nothing to the household.
Everything is all or nothing with her. She'll get a job when she graduates with her veterinary degree because she doesn't want any other job besides being a vet. I seriously doubt she'll even get into vet school with her lackadaisical attitude about classes. Taking 7 credits at a time will take 9 years just to finish a bachelor's degree and vet school is VERY COMPETITIVE.
I have no idea why she's this way. She grew up watching me work full time and go to grad school (I took 6 years to get my second masters because I was working full time and had two kids). She was raised by parents with good work ethics and she's had working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work. Her sister OTOH can't wait for independence. At 16 she's working and saving to buy a car and mad at us that we won't let her buy one before she's 18. It's like my kids were born on different planets. One has dug her heels in and refuses to grow up while the other is well on her way out the door at 16.
Dh is ready to kick dd#1 out. I really want her to stay in school full time and I'm willing to feed her and put a roof over her head while she's in school but I want her to get a job to take care of her own needs and start working towards independence. Unfortunately, we do not have the money to send her away to school and she doesn't have the test scores to get in most universities. She's smart but doesn't try.
Is it time to kick her out on her butt? Yes, this is the dd who moved out with her boyfriend last summer. His parents had enough of her mooching and she moved back home. Things were better for a while but it's back to same old same old. I'm furious that she's only taking 7 credits and not looking for work. A friend of the family who does temporary placements offered to place her in a job but she refused saying she wants to do it on her own but she doesn't do anything.
The boyfriend is really complicating things. We thought if we stopped buying things for her that she'd get a job but he buys things for her. He does not make enough for his own place. He lives with his parents. How do you make a little bird jump from the nest?
What I would do is end the free college ride. She has that little respect for the money you worked hard for that she drops classes she signed up for --- that's a pretty rotten attitude but it also shows she has no understanding of how much work it takes to earn all that money.
End the free ride. You don't have to kick her out of the house but you can stop giving her money completely. She can live there, she can eat the food that's there but if she wants money for clothes -- too bad so sad. If she wants money for make up, or gas, or lunch with her friends, again - too bad so sad.
7 credits a semester when she has no job, no responsibilities is really pathetic. There are 168 hours in a week and that leaves her with 161 hours to do absolutely nothing of importance. It never hurts kids to work at least part time when going to college.
Second semester ends the middle of May at many colleges. What will she be doing from mid May until classes start again in September? Or will she be taking classes full time in summer school?
That's the question. I tried to talk her into taking classes because she's way behind her peers credit wise but she says she needs a break because she's stressed out. Apparently, taking 7 credits is really hard... We don't want her sitting around here all summer. Her dad is taking her car keys as soon as she takes her last final. No job, no car. Period. Of course her boyfriend will let her drive him to work so she can have his car so that won't really inconvenience her much.
I keep waiting for her to grow up but she's just not. The only reason she got her drivers license at 17 was because the boy she liked at the time was taking drivers ed. I swear she never would have taken it otherwise. Most teens can't wait to get a job, get their license, get out of their parents house...I don't get it. I'm also rather ashamed of the fact she's using her boyfriend the way she is. I raised her better than this. She has, however, always been one to put herself first. No matter what we've done that hasn't changed.
I do not want her sitting here all summer without a job or classes.
What I would do is end the free college ride. She has that little respect for the money you worked hard for that she drops classes she signed up for --- that's a pretty rotten attitude but it also shows she has no understanding of how much work it takes to earn all that money.
End the free ride. You don't have to kick her out of the house but you can stop giving her money completely. She can live there, she can eat the food that's there but if she wants money for clothes -- too bad so sad. If she wants money for make up, or gas, or lunch with her friends, again - too bad so sad.
7 credits a semester when she has no job, no responsibilities is really pathetic. There are 168 hours in a week and that leaves her with 161 hours to do absolutely nothing of importance. It never hurts kids to work at least part time when going to college.
We don't give her money for clothes or make up. We feed her and put a roof over her head. The only gas we put in the car is to get her back and forth to classes. She's losing the car once classes end. Her little sister will be driving the car to school every day until school lets out in June and then to work. I'm afraid that taking the car won't motivate her. I'm not sure what will. I wish the boyfriend wasn't in the picture right now. He just bought her a new cell phone.
I think we have a major battle ahead of us here and I'm afraid it's going to come down to kicking her out. We talked to a counselor and she told us to be prepared for the consequence of having a daughter never speak to us again. I just want her to start taking steps towards being self sufficient.
Of course not every women has a career but most have some sort of paying job and a healthy 19 year old young woman with only her toe in college courses should be forced to see what a dead end minimum wage job does or doesn't do for her. Then she just might straighten up and realize how valuable that college education is. As it is now she gets everything she needs and wants either courtesy of her parents or Bf. Nobody is doing her any service by letting her continue this way. In fact they are enabling her and until it stops she won't ever change.
Sounds like your counselor is of the don't rock the boat school. Believe me she will speak to you again. it may take a few months but she will have no recourse because this BF is not prepared to take her in and this will get tired real soon.
And why can't you talk to the Bf and tell him he is not helping her grow up by buying her things. Tell him you are no longer willing to support her and you are wondering if he has any idea how much of a burden she will be when she is kicked out. Whatever happened to My House-My rules? If she is going to live in your house she has to put up with your rules. And your rules are she gets a job and show you she is taking this all very seriously. She doesn't talk back and she doesn't get college paid for entirely by you anymore because she has not demonstrated she understand education's value. If she has loans (and you don't co sign) she will have a vested interest in her own education. Frankly I think you are throwing your money away on college right now. Maybe in a few years she will appreciate it but she certainly does ot now. Don't worry about how she compares to her peers. That is the least of your worries.
Encourage her to work in animal shelter or vet office doing grunt work. This will probably convince her she is not going to be a vet.
Then let him provide her a car -- I hope he puts her on his insurance also.
She's not going to get into vet school if she's stressed out on 7 credits. I think your husband may have the right answers -- and what she really needs is for you and him to present a united front.
I don't really worry too much about not growing up enough by age 19 -- not all kids have it all together on their 18th birthday. It's okay to provide them a room and basic food. The harder you try to push her, the more she's going to resist. It can be easier to just sit down and decide what you accept and then let the rest go.
I think she's proving that she isn't serious about school though -- and that makes it a waste of money for you.
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We don't want her sitting around here all summer. Her dad is taking her car keys as soon as she takes her last final. No job, no car. Period. Of course her boyfriend will let her drive him to work so she can have his car so that won't really inconvenience her much. 