Bullying or just plain MEAN (support, girls, clothes, play)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Physically defending yourself if physically threatened is appropriate IMO. Responding physically when someone is being a smartmouth is not okay. This is VERY common with 4th/5th grade boys. It sounds harsh, but they just have to figure out how to deal with it.
My oldest son is currently 20. When he was in 4th grade he faced a similar situation. My son has always been short, but he is also the alpha male type. When he was in 4th grade he faced a situation where a bigger boy was making fun of him for being short and basically making his life difficult.
We spoke with the teacher about the situation but she told us that she never saw what was going on between the boys. My son said that was because it usually happened when they were changing classes or otherwise in transition. I told the teacher that since she was aware of it we expected there to be some change in the near future. There was no change.
We told our son to do what he needed to do to make this boy stop. We also told him that if he got in trouble with the school he would have to face the consequences but that we would not be upset with him. He would just serve his punishment and be done with it.
Our son stood up for himself (physically). Although he is short he has always been strong and coordinated. He got in trouble with the teacher but the teacher did not report the incident to the school. This boy never bothered him again.
Thank you Momma_bear. I think my son is so fearful of getting in trouble he has let this go on for far too long. We told him the same thing as you told your son, that he may have to get in trouble and go to the principal, etc. and that may be the only way to send the message to this kid that the bullying's going to fly anymore. It feels very strange saying something like that to your child, as I am not an advocate of violence and fighting (and neither is he, obviously). He hasn't gotten into trouble yet as there has not been a big fight and obviously, I don't want there to be - I just want this to stop!
Thanks Zimbochick. I do think we could use a thicker skin and I believe that will come with time. I absolutely agree that you can't just go around taking blows at anyone who annoys you. Believe me, if he did that he would have definitely been to the principal by now
My fear in telling kids it's okay to hit others (even when verbally bullied) is that most kids lack the nuance and impulse control to accurately discern when it would be an okay action (when you're cornered, physically attacked and can't escape) and then it's not (when you're angry.) At most schools, hitting is going to come with a home suspension and a lot of consequences. Also, if your son is a big kid, there's a chance he either now or later will be capable of doing some degree of damage. He could get assault charges--not what you want on his record.
I would teach your son to walk away, to loudly tell the kid to leave him alone, to talk to the teacher each time it happens. That's for real bullying. For dumb stuff like "Under Armor is better than Nike" you should teach him to just laugh it off and change the subject. You as his parent need to pursue the real stuff with the school, but I also think that comes with laughing at the dumb stuff like UA/Nike and not giving the other kid's dumb comments that much weight.
Famrelo, I agree the teacher is negligent here. This type of behavior is unacceptable and you should go to the parents - they might not be as obnoxious as you think and if they are well then at least you have done everything you could. The hit back thing...the risk is that your kid gets in a fight with the bully and loses. Then it will get even worse. In this day and age with all of the information we have about the negative effects of bullying there should be a better response from your school. I would also raise the specter of liability if anything happens (perhaps reference the lawsuit filed against Breck a few years ago from a student and his family who was bullied mercilessly) - this tends to ruin school reputations for a long time.
Kitkatbar I understand your concerns and see your point. However, your message appears to be that verbal bullying is OK and with that I wholeheartedly disagree. If this were just about brand names I wouldn't have posted.
My youngest daughter is much smaller than her peers. There was a group of boys in her class who would pick on her for being little, short, baby-sized and everything else they could think of along those lines.
She tried telling the teacher, but the teacher said, "Well, you are little."
So we told her to say whatever she wanted to those boys whenever there was no adult within earshot. When they told on her for cussing, she told her teacher, "I don't use bad grown-up words, I'm too little." and she didn't get in trouble.
In a situation with verbal bullying, I don't think escalating things to a physical level is appropriate...but there's no reason he can't cuss out those kids who are picking on him.
In a situation with verbal bullying, I don't think escalating things to a physical level is appropriate...but there's no reason he can't cuss out those kids who are picking on him.
Sure there is. Around here, that is grounds for suspension. And, what good would it do anyway?
I see the OP's son as having two choices. Ignore the boy, or kill him with kindness. We're talking about 9 and 10 yr olds here (4th graders). I think the boy causing the problem is hurt that his buddy from last year ditched him for a new best friend, and he isn't handling it well.
I think that there's an unfortunate tendency these days to confuse violence and force and to deny the reality that sometimes force, not violence, is necessary. What the OP appears to have advised her son to do is to use force, if necessary, to emphasize to the actual bully that his behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated, all other avenues to resolve the situation having been exhausted.
I am reminded of when my son was in 5th grade or so at a private school. It was the kind of school where only bright kids were admitted, but it didn't start until 4th grade, which meant that most of the kids weren't used to jockeying for position academically but were used to being the smartest kids in class. It was not pretty and the teacher was new and not seasoned enough to know how to deal with it, but they got through 4th grade. Next year a kid from a family that I can only describe as "nouveau riche" started at school, and things got pretty bad, from giving every kid who didn't have a polo player on their shirt a miserable time to some actual physical stuff. He couldn't deal with the fact that my son tended to have the right answer more often than he did, and decided that the way to get back on top was to pick fights. The results of that I had described to me by a teacher who witnessed the entire event from a distance on the school grounds during recess but only managed to get there just as it was ending.
Seems the bully and his four buddies accosted my son behind the school. The idea was that the bully would fight my son in front of his hangers on and show how much tougher he was and that would make him alpha male in the class. What he didn't know was that my husband grew up on the wrong side of San Antonio and had taught our son a few tricks. What the teacher described was the bully coming at my son, who didn't hit him but promptly got him down and immobilized him just as the teacher got there to break things up. The bullying stopped. Hitting him back and winning the fight would have done the same thing, but perhaps wouldn't have been quite as humiliating to the bully who decided not to come back for another taste of medicine.
Sure there is. Around here, that is grounds for suspension. And, what good would it do anyway?
I see the OP's son as having two choices. Ignore the boy, or kill him with kindness. We're talking about 9 and 10 yr olds here (4th graders). I think the boy causing the problem is hurt that his buddy from last year ditched him for a new best friend, and he isn't handling it well.
I was thinking the same thing.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
