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All of the "rambling" is only as character reference. Do I think that stealing my money will affect his visitation? No. Will the fact that he was banned from two college campuses for trying to meet girls there affect his visitation? No. His lack of employment, English skills, citizenship, etc. will not affect his visitation, I know. But in the meantime, I work as much as I can, study, do everything for my son, and am only trying to move forward in the most honest way possible. There's no legitimate reason for him to object to my move because he currently does not try to see our son. The fact that I left him in one state and moved to another negatively affected him IF you think that having my son around was a priority, but I don't think it was. And again, please tell me what I should have done when I left him? To be honest I applied to graduate school in Philadelphia and did not get in. The one in NC is the only one I got into. That's the main reason I am moving. I have suggested that I could potentially live near him (if he does get custody with weeks of visitation I would rather live near him) when I am done with school.
My ex's sister got divorced. She raises the kids while her ex husband lives in another country and never sees them. My ex said that his former brother-in-law is lucky because he gets to have kids and let them be raised by someone else. That's how he sees things. He is not "suffering" because I moved far away. He is suffering because he does not have my financial support anymore.
A judge is not going to want to hear it lol.. Trust me. If you go into court continuously trying to bad mouth the father without any proof and with off topic accusation, you're going to hurt yourself more than him. Much of what you have said might play a bigger role if it was a custody case, but it's only a visitation case. Him being violent would help you, but your actions will contradict your accusation.
If you bring up that he was so abusive and you feared for your son's life, but you still allowed him to have contact with your child, you'll lose all credibility. The Judge does this for a living, and isn't stupid.
Make of it what you will. This is a forum. I am not trying to prove anything to a bunch of random people. Why would I exaggerate? I am trying to make sense of it myself. I know I should not have him stay over but you know, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I was initially afraid that he could just take off with our son, which is why I tried to placate him until I got sole custody, which happened only 3 weeks ago.
The biting incident did happen. I went to family court to get a restraining order, as the police told me to do. That was their response to it. I did not get a restraining order.
The initial question was what to expect at a hearing and whether or not I should bring my lawyer. After some feedback I decided to keep going with the lawyer and see how it goes.
About the move to NC - I have said that if my ex has a legal right to see my son, which I have to uphold, I will do so, by meeting him halfway etc. I am pretty sure it's in my son's best interest if he lives in a home that's above poverty level, even if it means moving an additional 50 miles from the father who doesn't even really want to be around.
The character references are only to explain why I don't think he has my son's best interest in mind. Why I don't think if he did object to my moving to NC, it would be for reasons other than trying to maintain contact with our son.
Apparently emotional abuse does not exist to people here. You think if he was abusive to me he would not be abusive to our son? Ok, the court doesn't care. I guess I will let the lawyer deal with it and follow what happens from there.
As an off topic point - when you are with someone who is emotionally abusive, it's like someone is pressing in on you all the time, like crushing your spirit. But then there are moments when the person is nice, cheerful, loving, fun, etc. and it's like you are SO relieved, you can finally breathe, it's the best feeling because that horrible pressure is taken off for a moment. And you begin to associate this positive feeling with the person, when really you're only getting relief from pain that they themselves cause you. I think this is a reason why people stay with abusive people. And even until recently, when my ex showed up and was in a good mood, friendly, etc. I was so relieved that I felt I could reward it by letting him stay over. At that time we were still married and I did not know my rights or if I could even prevent him from seeing or son or how this would affect custody, as my main goal was to have sole custody. Now that we are divorced it will likely be different. There's a good chance my ex will not even want to come over now, because most of the visits over the past year were for the sake of persuading me to return to him.
I basically know that I will have to accept his visitation, that he will have visitation alone etc.
How many people do you know in abusive relationships? Why are they in abusive relationships? Because the abuser is manipulative and sometimes nice. You are not going to be with someone who is nasty 100% of the time. And in my case, it's not like I am totally immune to his manipulation, threats, etc.
I do know someone who was in an abusive relationship! That someone was me! Guess what? When it came to protecting my children, I no longer allowed myself to be manipulated and didn't let my fear put my children in danger. I did not speak to him. I fought like hell. I pressed charges every chance I got. I went to court repeatedly. I had PFAs in multiple counties in two states. I moved and changed jobs more than I can count. I eventually found a way to disappear off of the face of the earth.
Unlike you, I wasn't just dealing with the fear if my physical safety because someone was verbally mentally abusive and threatening. I had all that on top of my ex torturing me and later stalking me. I would have never ever let him anywhere near my children. I didn't care if it meant my breaking the law. When it comes to protecting children, you rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done. You don't continue being a victim via fear. You take charge and you protect children and keep them away from the abuser.
More than anyone, I understand your fears of your child being stolen and hurt to get back at you. I'm speaking from experience, and I'm telling you that you are not focusing on the big picture. If he's as abusive as you say, you need to get over the past, focus only on what's relevant to the future, get a backbone, stand your ground and fight this with every resource available. That includes setting him up for future deportation by filing for child support even though you don't think that he'll not pay and get deported.
Stop making excuses for your weaknesses and quit negotiating with a madman.
You say he is abusive and violent, but you are inviting him into your home overnight!? Are you effin' crazy? You need to get copies of police reports and notarized statements from people he has assaulted (if they can't appear in court). If there are no police reports, they should at least have call logs. Does he have an arrest record? You should be asking for limited supervised visitation. You are talking about the safety of you and your son, so spend some money and have it done right. A second year law student will tell you that your plan is a disaster.
Same for me.... Just sounds like two parents using their child as a pawn... Neither of them are doing what's best for their child. Instead they're both too focused on the pasted and trying to hurt each other.
I mentioned all of the details about how he stole my money, was emotionally abusive towards me etc. as justification of why I left Philadelphia and also why I do not feel "obligated" to pay for him to drive to see our son. I mean, he took my savings and now I have to worry about his finances? Of course the court may decide differently. I know that all of those things will be irrelevant to visitation.
About the fact that I want to move further away - I have been told that the benefits will outweigh the negatives for my son. Hopefully that's how it will go. My ex does not have much of a case. Ok, yeah, he has to drive a bit more but if we're really thinking about what's best for our son, my ex's having to sit in traffic is kind of irrelevant.
I do not think he would intentionally hurt our son for the sake of hurting him. I don't think he's plotting to hurt our son right now. He could hurt our son through neglect (which I can prevent if I am there - I remember cases of neglect and it is just his character. He said we could leave our son home alone when he was 1, he could be left alone in the car, things that). He can also hurt our son if he is in a fit of rage (when he was having such a fit, I tried to remove our son) or to get back at me. These are things that would not likely happen at my house, with both my parents there as well as all of our nosy neighbors looking in the windows. These are things that could happen if he was alone with our son.
I do think he wanted and perhaps wants to hurt me physically. He has a lot of possessiveness towards me and animosity towards me. He does not have those feelings towards our son, but could project onto him. I began to feel that I really was in physical danger as he began to talk more about killing me, hating me, etc. the last couple of months before I left him. After I left him I initially did not allow him to come to my house or see our son, but then my first lawyer made me nervous about how that would affect custody. My first lawyer made it seem that all of my allegations were nonsense and my ex is just a dime a dozen.
Probably I would have been justified in getting a restraining order of some sort. I went to family court for one and they blew me off and told me just to call the police if anything happened. As previously stated there was the mistake of my first lawyer. He was an idiot. He told me when I went to court for the divorce/custody the judge could side with my ex and give him custody, especially if I denied him visitation. He told me not to press charges against him (regarding the bite thing). I had other cases. My ex did force me to have sex as well as put his hands in my pants and things like that, even a few months ago. Since retaining the next attorney he did not stay at my house and I kept distance from him. I guess he has seen our son twice since then but did not stay at my house.
There remains the possibility that he will drop off because we are divorced now. He filed at family court before he knew our divorce was almost final.
I am not trying to "negotiate with a madman." My fear was that the visitation hearing would give him more visitation than I could somehow work out with him. Though it apparently makes no sense to anyone, I would rather have him visit at my house than elsewhere. I just do not trust that he would not take off with my son. This is assuming I can't do anything to prevent visitation. On the flip side, if he's required to take my son elsewhere to visit, he might not feel like doing it. He has ever taken our son anywhere so it's not something he's really interested in.
I am not trying to hurt my ex! Dear God. I don't even effing care about any of the things he previously did...at least not on an "oh I am hurt" sort of way. I did not move to take my son from him and hurt him. I moved because I was afraid of him and broke. Now I am moving to be able to make a life for my son. I am actually going into a career that doesn't interest me a ton because there are tons of job options and a good salary, because I am worried about being able to take care of my son. I am not in any way using him as a pawn and I don't want to get revenge against my ex. The point is he is not, in any way, a decent or deserving father. He just isn't. Donating sperm does not make him one. Did you not notice that the whole time we were together I supported him? He never took our son to play, would not let him have new things, would not take him to cultural activities etc.? When my son did go to a playground I took him alone. Sometimes my ex would come and wait in the car. So what, he has RIGHTS and I have violated them by trying to pull my life up and take care of my son? Whatever.
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