is my wife depressed? (baby, average, pregnancy, smart)
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It could be a little bit of PPD. Her lack of attention could be a sign of that, or it could be her own upbringing she's used to. It could also be a bit of her having a really difficult time adjusting to going to work again. Maybe she's just not ready to go back to work. Hormones leave at around 4-5 months postpartum and can be a shock to the system. I did not have PPD when I had my boys (twins), but around the 4-5 month mark, I was a mess. Crying all the time, extreme anxiety issues, I even passed out once on my husband. Poor guy thought he was going to have to somehow get me to the hospital and watch our babies at the same time. He was freaking out! I was moody (though not angry) and erratic with my emotions. I wasn't even going back to work. It may be just that. Her body's new mommy hormones are now leaving her and it's a shock. She's got anger issues in the past, so it's not a surprise that is what will be coming out full force.
It could easily be some post partum depression and she could just not be handling being away from her baby well. I'm thinking if at all possible, could she get a doctor's note for PPD and be away from her work just a little longer? Both of you have good jobs and it would be a shame to have to leave either of them, but maybe it would be worth her leaving hers until she can get your emotions under control. It's hard being a new mom. Everything that isn't that important becomes the center of all things right/wrong in the world. Once those hormones leave and the body re-adjusts, some of those "important" things become less of an issue and the body and mind becomes more grounded. It takes time to adjust though. Things like you holding the baby when she wouldn't may be a huge deal to her now, but once she gets through what's bothering her, she may realize that it doesn't matter. Both of you love your child the same and neither are doing anything but being a good parent.
Well, I can see a problem here ~ not saying one of you is right and one is wrong - but terrible inconsistency with getting baby to sleep.
IF she is trying to get baby to sleep on her own (crying it out) and you are holding her each and every time, baby is never going to learn to sleep on her own and crying it out will just take longer and longer. For this to work - you will have to be on the same page.
I have mixed feelings about crying it out myself (Yes, I did try it) but either do it consistently OR don't do it at all right now.
I do think babies can get used to two different styles of parenting. They also get used to caregivers.
Its a positive sign that she says she needs to talk to someone. PPD can be a problem anytime in the first 2 years after birth, and i've personally seen it the most between 4-14 months.
"Cleared 2 days after birth" is irrelevant. This is a different time now. Make sure she gets to a therapist of at least her primary care doc.
thanks to all with the kind words, to answer some questions/comments
its really not fair of you all who tell me i'm the micro manager, i'm sure as a guy, i am the minority in this forum so i could be looked as the enemy, its as far from the truth as you can imagine, the house manager is my wife, i do what i can to follow the "happy wife, happy life" motto. before my daughter my world revolved around my wife and now it revolves around both of them. i do everything i can to keep a calm, ordered household whether or not i agree with it because its just easier to adapt rather that to challenge. we are on the same page about alot of things but like all relationships you have to have a give and take.
to reiterate, the opposite work schedule is just for another 6 weeks than we will be on the same schedule while baby is in daycare. the cost of daycare is not a concern, as someone mentioned it might be, but if my wife didnt go to work then daycare costs 100k. she realizes that and so do i, its not a small sum of money to part with. to afford the lifestyle my wife and I both enjoy, it requires 2 salaries.
as for the cleared 2 days after birth comment, i didnt make that meaning shes good to go since she was cleared, more to highlight that she showed signs early on enough that a social worker visited her to see how she was doing. she was cleared but i know it doesnt mean shes "cured"
also, as i've mentioned before i know CIO is controversial, and i'm ok to a certain point but i wont sit idle while my baby screams her heart out.
a few of you mentioned hormones flushing the system around 4-5 months which is exactly where shes at right now, i'll look into this and keep calm while she rides this wave of hormones.
thanks to all with the kind words, to answer some questions/comments
its really not fair of you all who tell me i'm the micro manager, i'm sure as a guy, i am the minority in this forum so i could be looked as the enemy, its as far from the truth as you can imagine, the house manager is my wife, i do what i can to follow the "happy wife, happy life" motto. before my daughter my world revolved around my wife and now it revolves around both of them. i do everything i can to keep a calm, ordered household whether or not i agree with it because its just easier to adapt rather that to challenge. we are on the same page about alot of things but like all relationships you have to have a give and take.
to reiterate, the opposite work schedule is just for another 6 weeks than we will be on the same schedule while baby is in daycare. the cost of daycare is not a concern, as someone mentioned it might be, but if my wife didnt go to work then daycare costs 100k. she realizes that and so do i, its not a small sum of money to part with. to afford the lifestyle my wife and I both enjoy, it requires 2 salaries.
as for the cleared 2 days after birth comment, i didnt make that meaning shes good to go since she was cleared, more to highlight that she showed signs early on enough that a social worker visited her to see how she was doing. she was cleared but i know it doesnt mean shes "cured"
also, as i've mentioned before i know CIO is controversial, and i'm ok to a certain point but i wont sit idle while my baby screams her heart out.
a few of you mentioned hormones flushing the system around 4-5 months which is exactly where shes at right now, i'll look into this and keep calm while she rides this wave of hormones.
I think you might look into her working part time, at least for the first year. It's very common for pharmacist to do this. You might have to cut back some on your lifestyle though.
wow. That's assuming a lot! I think I might be pissed if my husband said that. If he says anything at all it should be a suggestion, or a "have you ever considered taking a year off?" kind of thing.
"day care" would cost $100,000 if she stayed home - her lost salary.
OP, this is a very difficult, emotional, hormonal time. There is a lot going on. She might be depressed. She might want to stay home. She might just need some time to adjust. Tread lightly and don't make any rash decisions.
Not assuming anything. Day care would not cost $100K of her lost salary; her take home is less than this, considerably less. Add the time away from home, the stress of work and family, and her overall unhappiness - these things affect a household and end up costing a family more $$ if not handled properly. It's not just about her salary, her salary isn't the issue here, OP said so himself.
Also, the OP's wife isn't you. She won't be pissed at her husband saying what I wrote, or some version of it. You would be pissed because you likely didn't want to or couldn't stay at home with your kids. This is not the same issue the OP is dealing with. He should not "suggest" anything. It's his family that will suffer if he's not honest about how he truly feels about his wife becoming a stay-at-home mom. She wants to stay at home.
OP: Did you and your wife discuss this as an option before you were married or before she got pregnant?
She's not going to lose the value of her PhD by staying at home a few years. If she only had a bachelor's degree, then I'd be worried. She's already considered an expert in her field via her doctorate! Also many PhDs are underemployed or unemployed - with or without children.
She doesn't want to work. Adjust your lifestyle to allow her to be home and turn off the camera.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland
I think you might look into her working part time, at least for the first year. It's very common for pharmacist to do this. You might have to cut back some on your lifestyle though.
I agree with others who said they think your wife really wants to be a stay at home mom. Her head is telling her stay with the money; her heart is telling her to stay with the baby. I think that is where her anger is coming from. Frustration.
I left a 6 figure income (18 years ago!) to be a SAHM. I wish I had the opportunity to work part-time after she was 2 or 3 years old, but I didn't. I did flexible volunteer work instead. I don't regret my decision. My "baby" just left for college this past week.
My neighbor is a pediatric neurologist and she managed to stay home in the early years with her children. She now works two days per week. I am sure your wife could find a part time pharmacist position. That would probably work best in your situation.
My pediatrician friend worked full time after her baby was born. She wanted to quit, but her husband wouldn't let her. He didn't want her to waste her education. She is still resentful.
For some women, the powerful attachment to their baby is more important than anything else. I thought I would return to work, but I just couldn't. Luckily, I have a husband who valued me as a wife and a mother.
There are always trade-off's in life. You have to decide: In the end what is most important to you?
Being a SAHM is not a waste of someone's life or education.
Not assuming anything. Day care would not cost $100K of her lost salary; her take home is less than this, considerably less. Add the time away from home, the stress of work and family, and her overall unhappiness - these things affect a household and end up costing a family more $$ if not handled properly. It's not just about her salary, her salary isn't the issue here, OP said so himself.
Also, the OP's wife isn't you. She won't be pissed at her husband saying what I wrote, or some version of it. You would be pissed because you likely didn't want to or couldn't stay at home with your kids. This is not the same issue the OP is dealing with. He should not "suggest" anything. It's his family that will suffer if he's not honest about how he truly feels about his wife becoming a stay-at-home mom. She wants to stay at home.
OP: Did you and your wife discuss this as an option before you were married or before she got pregnant?
She's not going to lose the value of her PhD by staying at home a few years. If she only had a bachelor's degree, then I'd be worried. She's already considered an expert in her field via her doctorate! Also many PhDs are underemployed or unemployed - with or without children.
You are projecting your biased opinions onto her. She may want to stay home. She may not. That's not for you to decide. Whether the loss of her income quoted is before or after taxes is irrelevant. It is a lot of lost income and it is the, at least, temporary loss of a career she worked long and hard for.
I don't recall reading that the op wants his wife to stay home. so it doesn't make any sense for him to tell her that's what she should do.
For the record I have been a sahm, a full time working mom, and a part time working mom. You don't get to dismiss my opinions as a lack of options or personal experience.
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so it doesn't make any sense for him to tell her that's what she should do. 
