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OP--your posts seem more focused on respect and discipline rather than the fact that you love this child (which you said you do) I wonder if that demanding attitude is what comes across to the children rather than the love. With a young boy that has to be feeling abandoned and a lack of love from his bio-mother, you are just another person in his life that isn't showing him that you love him.
Until you can get the family into counseling, I would recommend having a quiet, calm one-on-one talk with him. Take him to a park or some where quiet. Make a date for just the two of you. Be honest with him. Put it all out on the table. Tell him how you feel about him. Tell him your "dream" for the family. Ask him to tell you how he feels. Ask him how the two of you can work together. Neither of you will get everything you want, but come up with some compromises. It's okay to be honest and say that his mother leaving him is not a good thing. Most importantly tell him and show him everyday that he is loved by you. When is the last time you just went up and hugged the kid for no reason? I know he is young, but even children appreciate (and respect) honesty.
I tell him daily that i love him, more than once a day. I hug him all the time. He reads to me every night. He always comes to me for help with homework. I always tell him how good he is doing and how proud I am of him. When he gets frustrated, we take a break and watch tv. If I'm on the couch, he wants to be right next to me. Which is what I don't understand. He doesn't hate me. This isn't against me. We ALL show him love everyday.
He made me promise that I would come home every night and be there. That is a promise I will never break unless I am out of town.
He doesn't do this to just me, it is all of us. His father, his aunt, grandparents, etc. Which leads me to believe that something isn't right.
I agree with the above quoted post. The family needs to go to counseling. I am wondering OP if you are concerned about how the child will act or what the counselor might have to say to you that you wouldn't like. The counselor isn't going to be offended by the way the child will act. Demanding respect? Yeah, that will work, not! Despite how you see yourself, you are woman living with their father and you could come or go and most likely, they prefer the latter. Suggest you go to counseling before the situation gets further out of hand. You are not a legal parent so perhaps their father could talk with the school psychologist and see what help might be available. Respect is not an automatic given due to one's position but earned. You have came across very negatively in your posts and, frankly, I am concerned for the child.
There is no need to feel concerned for the child. I think in writing I come across as this horrible person because I'm not telling our story from day 1, but I really am not. I am explaining our current situation. I love these kids more than anything in this world. I am nothing new to them. As far as the youngest remembers, I've always been there.
They don't prefer the latter. They have asked me numerous times if I was going to stay, if I was going to leave them and their father. When they asked me to pinky promise them, they smiled like they were in a candy store. Obviously they are happy I am here and they love me. That isn't at all in question. You are reading the surface. You think I am some monster to these children. That, I am not. I am their go to person. I have the respect from the oldest. The youngest has no respect for ANY adult when he throws his tantrums, which usually his brother starts.
I want to know how to help him. I want to make everything okay for him. I don't want him to hurt, I don't want him to hate life. I want our happy kid back. I want him to respect adults, all of them. Not just someone who is blood related. Nothing good comes from a kid that doesn't respect anyone.
I feel like this forum has done nothing but attack me as a step mother, or future step mother since him and I aren't married. I have stated the issue. I wasn't aware that I needed to tell everyone our story since day 1.
I am the one they go to when they are scared. When they are hurt. When they are sad. To help with their homework. To play outside with them.
I'm sorry to everyone who has offered help, I do thank you. But to everyone else attacking me as a person and an adult, I am done with this post. I do not deserve to hear people say that they fear for the child. The people you should fear for, is everyone else around him. Something is wrong and it isn't me. How do I know that? Because they fight over who gets to sit by me, who gets to ride with me to the store, who gets to play basketball with me, they fight over who is going to be the first to tell me about their day. You don't know our story. You don't know me.
Well, you're his dad's girlfriend (or fiancée) and you moved in (even though you think being a fiancée has merit, it doesn't when kids are involved). By you moving in, you triggered something. Like you said, he doesn't know much about why his mom isn't there - maybe he needs closure. You say you aren't there to replace her, but in actuality that's exactly what you're doing. You're going to marry the father, you're going to live in the same house, and he's going to be disciplined by you - which are all things a mother does.
He's clearly unhappy with the situation (and maybe even depressed - depression in children). While it's quite rare for this to happen in young kids, it does happen.
It seems as if you're doing what you can to make this as smooth as possible, but he's not taking it well. Like everyone has suggested, get him some professional help. And also, does the older sibling know something that you don't? You might be able to get answers from the older child. Do you know if the dad has had women move in before you?
He swore he wouldn't bring another woman in his home with his children unless he was sure he would marry her. Since their mother, I am the first.
OP--your posts seem more focused on respect and discipline rather than the fact that you love this child (which you said you do) I wonder if that demanding attitude is what comes across to the children rather than the love. With a young boy that has to be feeling abandoned and a lack of love from his bio-mother, you are just another person in his life that isn't showing him that you love him.
Until you can get the family into counseling, I would recommend having a quiet, calm one-on-one talk with him. Take him to a park or some where quiet. Make a date for just the two of you. Be honest with him. Put it all out on the table. Tell him how you feel about him. Tell him your "dream" for the family. Ask him to tell you how he feels. Ask him how the two of you can work together. Neither of you will get everything you want, but come up with some compromises. It's okay to be honest and say that his mother leaving him is not a good thing. Most importantly tell him and show him everyday that he is loved by you. When is the last time you just went up and hugged the kid for no reason? I know he is young, but even children appreciate (and respect) honesty.
I tell him daily that i love him, more than once a day. I hug him all the time. He reads to me every night. He always comes to me for help with homework. I always tell him how good he is doing and how proud I am of him. When he gets frustrated, we take a break and watch tv. If I'm on the couch, he wants to be right next to me. Which is what I don't understand. He doesn't hate me. This isn't against me. We ALL show him love everyday.
He made me promise that I would come home every night and be there. That is a promise I will never break unless I am out of town.
He doesn't do this to just me, it is all of us. His father, his aunt, grandparents, etc. Which leads me to believe that something isn't right.
^^^^ This, a thousand times. Maybe you could read my responses.
I'd say over the last 6 months, the youngest child has become a holy terror. He used to be the happiest kid in the world and I never see him laugh or smile anymore. He wakes up in a horrible mood, he is disrespectful, he punches things (Not anyone else yet) but he does pull on his hair when he gets angry as well as other things. He doesn't listen. He is rude to everyone. It seems as though he hates everything about life. He gets in my face and tells me that I don't do anything and that I need to start doing things (Such as discipline his older sibling) instead of him. He barks orders at me. He is extremely out of hand. He isn't just like this with me and his father, he is like this with his grandparents as well. He doesn't listen to me, or anyone for that matter. He throws tantrums that last for hours.
I feel as though he is bottling things up, about his mother. Like he feels abandoned. What if he feels like I'm going to take off like she did?
I've read through the thread and I can see you love this boy and want to help him.. I see that you say this is new behavior in the last 6 months. Is it possible that something happened to him 6 months ago - someone bullying him at school or someone new who came into his life and abused him? Could he have heard an argument with his dad that he misinterpreted?
He could be starting puberty as well. Does he know what is happening to his body?
What does his older brother think about all this?
I agree with others that you need to talk to someone outside the family to get a handle on what is happening.
OP--your original post made it sound as if this was all directed at you, etc. When my kids yelled at me or were disrespectful at that age, I turned it around on them at times. I quietly and simply asked, "How would you feel if I spoke to you the way you are speaking to me now?" There are other ways to ask, but sometimes it's useful to quietly and calmly help a child see things from another's viewpoint. Other times I would tell them how there actions made me feel. I don't know if I would recommend telling this boy, "It hurts me when you yell (or whatever)." This young boy may perceive that as a threat that you will leave.
I'd say over the last 6 months, the youngest child has become a holy terror. He used to be the happiestkid in the world and I never see him laugh or smile anymore. He wakes up in a horrible mood, he is disrespectful, he punches things (Not anyone else yet) but he does pull on his hair when he gets angry as well as other things. He doesn't listen. He is rude to everyone.It seems as though he hateseverything about life. He gets in my face and tells me that I don't do anything and that I need to start doing things (Such as discipline his older sibling) instead of him. He barks orders at me. He is extremely out of hand. He isn't just like this with me and his father, he is like this with his grandparentsas well. He doesn't listen to me, or anyone for that matter. He throws tantrums that last for hours.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
How is his behavior at school?
Does he laugh and smile there?
Is he rude to everyone at school?
Does he throw tantrums that last for hours?
IF he exhibits these behaviors at school as well as at home I am sure that his school has recommended assessment for possible placement in a program for children with emotional/behavioral problems.
In fact, if this child exhibits problems as severe as you are describing I would recommend counseling for the entire family asap. Although, it is fairly rare, it is possible that your fiancé's child may even need intensive psychological treatment, possibly even a period of inpatient treatment at a children's psychiatric hospital.
Again, it is quite unusual, but there are even cases of extremely depressed 10 year olds committing suicide (usually by an "accident" like running into traffic or an "accident" with a gun or poison). Do you really want to risk something like thathappening? If you had a teenage or adult friend who "used to be the happiest teen/adult in the world and now did not laugh or smile" and seems to "hate everything about life" would you just ignore it or would you immediately try to get help for your friend? Shouldn't you do as much for you fiancé's child?
In your first post you described what could be a very, very seriously depressed child ---never laughs or smiles, pulls his own hair, hates everything about life, throws tantrums that last for hours---- and yet you never say anything about getting any type of help for him, despite saying again and again how much you "love him". If you really loved him, would you just sit by and watch him (possibly) die?
If this started six months ago, it may not have anything at all to do with you. Perhaps, he was bullied, perhaps he was sexually molested, perhaps he observed or heard something so frightening that it changed his overall personality. Or perhaps, he was just "putting on an act about being happy" and he couldn't "fake it" any more and his true emotions started to show though.
You never answered how he acts at school. Does he tantrum for hours? Does he pull his own hair and punch objects? Does he "hate everything about life"? Is he rude to everyone? Have his teachers expressed concern about his major change of personality?
Have you or his father even asked his teachers about his behavior at school?
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-12-2014 at 07:00 PM..
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