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Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
3,352 posts, read 2,825,519 times
Reputation: 10348
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To make a long story short we had custody of my husband's sons boy at 22 mos of age till he was over 3 years old...the mother was on drugs and my step son wanted no part of him...his mother got him back and they moved to WV so we have not seen him in a long time...We just retired 4 hrs away and he lives with his grandma..his moms mom who he is VERY CLOSE TO..she has been his constant since the State of Michigan decided to give him back to her and his mom went off the deep end again..she comes and goes into his life..so the grandma has been more like a mom to him....we have taken both of them on vacation with us when he was younger because he always asked if grandma can come too..He will be 8 tomorrow and they recently got back in touch with us after ignoring us for months....we want him to spend Thanksgiving with us and we are willing to pick him up and drop him back off but the dreaded question came up again.".Can grandma come?" My husband kind of changed the subject and the call ended.This woman takes good care of him.. She is 65 and not in the best of shape...they have no car..living with friends..etc...so it is mostly a mess..his whole little life has been a chaotic ride thanks to the State of Michigan..anyway we really would like to see him alone and spend time with him without any outside people but he asks if she can come and I don't know if it is HIM saying that or if she is telling him to ask us because I am sure she is living somewhere that she would love to leave for a week and get a change of scenery...So are we wrong to say no if he asks us if she can come? I know this is OUR HOUSE and we can choose who we have here but I feel bad for the kid because I think she is a real comfort for him...and really she isn't so bad but she can be a pain in the rump with the constant complaining and weird stories that you never know are true....I just have this feeling that he is going to say he doesn't want to come if she doesn't... She just gets on my husband's last nerve and he doesn't want her here....I know it will be the holidays and we all have to put up with people for whatever reason.....I would think she would want a break seeing she has him 24/7.The story goes much deeper than this almost like a Lifetime Horror movie..but all that's another post!! This is the issue I have before me now.......any ideas?
Yes, you and your husband need to discuss this situation with each other and decide if seeing this child is worth also seeing this woman.
If the answer is yes they both come to visit, if the answer is no they both will probably stay home.
Also, your post would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs instead of.....there is no need to.....fill up space with.....
I think your mistake was in speaking to your grandson instead of his grandmother. Why didn't you call her, and ask her if it would be ok for you to take the boy for some one-on-one time over the holidays?
I don't see where your grandson had any wiggle room. His grandmother is his caretaker, and a constant in his life. By asking him, you put him in the position of getting the message across that the invite was to him, not them.
To make a long story short we had custody of my husband's sons boy at 22 mos of age till he was over 3 years old...the mother was on drugs and my step son wanted no part of him...his mother got him back and they moved to WV so we have not seen him in a long time...We just retired 4 hrs away and he lives with his grandma..his moms mom who he is VERY CLOSE TO..she has been his constant since the State of Michigan decided to give him back to her and his mom went off the deep end again..she comes and goes into his life..so the grandma has been more like a mom to him....we have taken both of them on vacation with us when he was younger because he always asked if grandma can come too..He will be 8 tomorrow and they recently got back in touch with us after ignoring us for months....we want him to spend Thanksgiving with us and we are willing to pick him up and drop him back off but the dreaded question came up again.".Can grandma come?" My husband kind of changed the subject and the call ended.This woman takes good care of him.. She is 65 and not in the best of shape...they have no car..living with friends..etc...so it is mostly a mess..his whole little life has been a chaotic ride thanks to the State of Michigan..anyway we really would like to see him alone and spend time with him without any outside people but he asks if she can come and I don't know if it is HIM saying that or if she is telling him to ask us because I am sure she is living somewhere that she would love to leave for a week and get a change of scenery...So are we wrong to say no if he asks us if she can come? I know this is OUR HOUSE and we can choose who we have here but I feel bad for the kid because I think she is a real comfort for him...and really she isn't so bad but she can be a pain in the rump with the constant complaining and weird stories that you never know are true....I just have this feeling that he is going to say he doesn't want to come if she doesn't... She just gets on my husband's last nerve and he doesn't want her here....I know it will be the holidays and we all have to put up with people for whatever reason.....I would think she would want a break seeing she has him 24/7.The story goes much deeper than this almost like a Lifetime Horror movie..but all that's another post!! This is the issue I have before me now.......any ideas?
Suck it up and invite Grandma, or you may never see him again. Poor kid has already been through enough, and you want to make him stay with you away from his savior? Not cool.
He's eight. His parents have failed him. His grandmother takes GOOD care of him, he's close to her...... and your husband don't want her in your house at Thanksgiving.
Tell your husband to get over it and welcome both of them. With open arms. It's his grandson. He's an 8-year old who has been through the wringer and needs as much love and support as he can get. She's the person he depends on day in and day out and it's natural for him to want her there to share the holiday. When you sit down to dinner....be thankful the three of you have that child to love. And let that innocent little 8-year old KNOW you're thankful. He needs to know the people he has left in his life think he's the greatest kid ever (you do, don't you?) and those three people put HIM first.... not their feelings about one another.
p.s. His life has been a chaotic ride because the people who created him put themselves over their own child. They screwed up his life. Not the State of Michigan.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 11-12-2014 at 07:49 PM..
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
3,352 posts, read 2,825,519 times
Reputation: 10348
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn
He's eight. His parents have failed him. His grandmother takes GOOD care of him, he's close to her...... and your husband don't want her in your house at Thanksgiving.
Tell your husband to get over it and welcome both of them. With open arms. It's his GRANDSON. He's an 8-year old who has been through the wringer and needs as much love and support as he can get. She's the person he depends on day in and day out and it's natural for him to want her there to share the holiday. (Here's an idea: be thankful the three of you have that child to love.)
p.s. His life has been a chaotic ride because the people who created him put themselves over their own child. They screwed up his life. Not the State of Michigan.
He could have stayed with us for good..we had him for 17 months during the toddler years...Michigan wants kids with their moms period..especially if they put on a clean show.she had a few clean drug tests and that was enough....after that it was really horrible things happening and the mom sold his DS and other of his items...for drugs again.
But he called tonight so excited for his birthday tomorrow and...just breaks your heart to hear him sound so normal and just like a happy little kid..the grandma is harmless but a liar...I probably shouldn't post this on here but I am 2 months into a new move.. Know NO ONE yet and just looking for some chatter and friendly ideas..thank you everyone...
I think one of the posters has it right. He is 8 and needs to know that there are people in his life that are normal and welcoming and can be counted on. It is a very short time and would give him much joy to see all of you together especially if all the attention was on him and not yourselves.
I agree with the poster who said speak with the grandmother first. Maybe you will get a more clear idea of her expectations and wishes. He may be afraid to leave her, she may be afraid for him to leave her or neither. At 65 trying to keep up with an 8 year old, she would probably be very happy for him to go with you and give her a break. While at the same time, she might be lonely for a major holiday if he goes without her.
An expensive alternative you might bring the grandmother along, but put her in a hotel. She might like a mini-vacation and it might keep her close enough to your grandson neither party has any anxiety about the separation. You could have her join you for meals, but not for everything or maybe find a bed & breakfast to even limit the number of meals.
Hope you find a resolution that makes visits easier.
I thought about suggesting a hotel for the grandmother also, but if she doesn't have a car, then her options are kind of limited.
I doubt she's looking at a visit with you as a vacation or a treat, more likely as a chore that she will put up with to do what's best for her grandson. There's no telling what kind of lies the boy's mother has told about your husband and the grandma may be afraid to send him alone.
Why not try a shorter visit but invite the grandmother to stay at your house also? Your husband can always be too busy to spend much time with her, have his headphones on so he can ignore her, etc. and still be able to see his son.
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