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Some of you have mentioned the possibility of her having depression. I think that might be a real possibility. She doesn't seem depressed in any sense of the word, though.
Some of you also brought up "low energy". This is something that she mentioned to her doctor over the summer. All tests came back negative in the sense that nothing physiological could explain anything. Whether or not there is something underlaying, she is lazy, she is messy, and she also procrastinates like a mofo.
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Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks
I don't think this thread is real because I don't believe OP would even consider marriage and/or kids with such a person. And also, the vomit story makes me rather skeptical as well.
I assure you that this is real, as is also the puke.
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Originally Posted by Pinkmani
SIDE NOTE: I don't know what her mother's condition is like, but if it involves her vomiting very often, then you might want to put these in her glove box and tell her mom to walk with them in her purse.
Her mother has stage III kidney failure and "full body" arthritis. She takes a good amount of medications daily, every once in a while things come back up.
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Originally Posted by daisee1203
Dude, yes. She will be a lazy parent. And you will be doing all the cleaning, feeding, bathing, etc of the children.
Here's the thing, what kind of mother do you want for your children? Do you want one that will put cute notes in the lunchbox? Do you want the kind that volunteers at PTO or in the classroom? How about grades...do you want a mom that cares and pays attention? Do you want one that will remember the dentist and dr appts? Do you want the one that will make holidays and birthdays special? Or make pancakes into cute little reindeer? Because if any of that floats your boat, as much as you love her and have that in common, it's not going to happen. And you will be resentful. I promise.
How do I know this?
My husband is waaaaaaay less motivated than I am. In all aspects. Now he's not as bad as your gf (not trying to knock her but what you described...maybe she is depressed?) but I wish he would do more. And when we got married, I became a step mother. Now I love his son dearly...really do. But I do it all. And we have had to work on this. I plan all outings. Help with homework. I make the lunches unless I ask him. I do the cute notes. I plan little surprises for his son. He has to be prompted/reminded/encouraged to play with him. But I know he loves him. Of course he does. Now he bathes him, or helps him bathe, rather. And he will wash his clothes. But guess who folds most of the time?!
When we have kids, I know that unless I ride him and ask, the help will be limited. I will have to likely create a list of which I need help with. I do have to say that if I ask, he DOES help. And he doesn't turn down family outings.
I love my husband dearly BUT this is something I wish I had considered or known before I got married. Just so I could be prepared. In every relationship though, there is the one that does more and one that does less...all at different times. I'm horrible at paying bills. My husband is on top of that.
So, it's a matter of what you can honestly live with.
This is what I fear will happen. I could live with it if I have to, but I don't want to be in a situation where I had to because I know it would lead to resentment, which I do not want. I have no doubt she would be a loving parent. I am not worried about that.
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Originally Posted by EvilCookie
But, isn't that about the usual with husbands? That's why all the advice columns say you need to TELL men outright what you want them to do, rather than wait for them to take initiative
In the OP's case...does the GF even WANT kids? I think that should be a big factor here. A woman who REALLY, desperately wants children (not just because she feels she should or whatever) could find herself motivated enough to make their lives good. I don't agree that just because a person has naturally low energy levels and chronic fatigue (something you generally can't help and doctors can't either), that they should not be allowed to reproduce...now whether the OP wants to father kids with her is a whole different issue of course.
If she truly wants kids, she would need to plan ahead and realize what that entails - aka, putting your own limitations aside for their sake. She manages a career, so obviously she is capable of getting things done, even when she may not feel like it. Like i said, I'm extremely low energy ('lazy' according to ignorant folks), and yet I force myself through it every day when I get up and take care of my son and the house, I do the activities and the lunches and the holidays and the birthday cakes, all of it. Maybe not to the extent more energetic moms do it, and I certainly wouldn't be able to combine it with a job as many do, but I do it. It's a struggle, often, a struggle that others may not have to face because they are naturally higher energy and these things are a breeze for them. But having kids is worth it to me.
The OP's GF doesn't have anyone to be responsible for now except herself - and believe me, when I was on my own, I didn't care about cleaning or whatever, because it was just me. And even now, I get my 'messiness fix' in my personal things where no one looks - the inside of my purse is a scary gross mess, lol! But my house isn't - because it's no longer about me, it's the face of my family and I feel I owe it to them to keep it nice, it's my duty as a mom and wife. So to say the GF would be a crappy mom just because she doesn't clean at the moment is not quite fair, imo.
Yes, she most definitely wants kids. Not in a HURRY UP DANGIT! MY CLOCK IS TICKING! kind of way, though, but something that she wants within the next few years. In fact, she wants three kids and hopes to have twins at first just to get the first two "out of the way" right off the bat. Or something to that effect. We've talked about it a good number of times, including the day we realized things were serious between us and we wanted to move forward as a serious couple.
You know, when I was a teenager my mom used to tell me, "Son, just wait until you get a girlfriend. Then you will for sure give a damn about brushing your teeth". Maybe that is my problem. I got my mom's voice stuck in my head
Maybe the two of you could pick something for her to start working on. Just one thing, like "putting her dirty dishes in the dishwasher". Give her feedback. See where it goes.
I know people go through mental changes after they have kids but I just don't see a "mom" gene turning on a switch in her considering that even when she does bring a dirty dish to the sink she can never put it in the sink...always sets it on the counter...and never even at least rinsing them off. Am I wrong? Can someone go from being totally, absolutely, lazy before having kids to taking care of business after kids?
She is a 30-something, college-educated, and has a solid career. Ironically, she is also a back-seat driver and claims to have OCD.
This doesn't sound like wife material to me. If she doesn't have the discipline or need to clean up her own filth, what exactly is she going to do for you or a child? Now granted, there's nothing wrong with hiring a cleaning person to take care of things around the house every other week when it gets hectic. And getting your car professionally cleaned after the aforementioned incident is warranted. But you need to know how to clean up after yourself and take care of the basics around the house. I have a friend that had a baby with someone like your girl and he is miserable. On top of basically not doing anything including not having a part time job, she spends all his money (or what's left after the bills are paid) on food delivery because she can't cook. He listens to self-help tapes to get him through the day. Save yourself the trouble and leave before you get locked into this drama with a baby.
This doesn't sound like wife material to me. If she doesn't have the discipline or need to clean up her own filth, what exactly is she going to do for you or a child? Now granted, there's nothing wrong with hiring a cleaning person to take care of things around the house every other week when it gets hectic. And getting your car professionally cleaned after the aforementioned incident is warranted. But you need to know how to clean up after yourself and take care of the basics around the house. I have a friend that had a baby with someone like your girl and he is miserable. On top of basically not doing anything including not having a part time job, she spends all his money (or what's left after the bills are paid) on food delivery because she can't cook. He listens to self-help tapes to get him through the day. Save yourself the trouble and leave before you get locked into this drama with a baby.
I oddly found myself thinking about this at 3am and had some new thoughts going in a different direction from my first thoughts.
First, I really wonder if there is a medical issue, be it depression, low B12, etc. When you are tried it is hard to care about anything when you are tired. And if she is doing well at work, it might be all her energy goes into that. A way to bring this up with her is to say "hey honey, I'm worried about you. You seem tired a lot, thats got to be hard on you. I'm wondering if we should explore it medically?". Its ultimately her decision to do that, but you are showing support. Even if she says no, it opens up her mind to thinking about her energy levels.
and second, while being somewhat clean is required for parenthood...is she a "good person". Only you can answer that. People can be lazy, or messy, and still be a loving, empathetic and kind person. If she is those, she isn't going to ignore her crying baby or let them have a loaded diaper for hours.
And a final thought, if you want to marry and have a perfect housewife type...it is time to move on and keep looking. She can't be who she isn't. But if you love her and accept her for who she is, you can work together to build a life and a family.
There may be physical reasons for her inability to stir herself to do any household chores. She should go see a licensed naturopath (N.D., assuming you live in a state that licenses N.D.s) to figure out why she lacks the stamina to complete (or should I say start?) even the simplest household tasks, and get that cleared up before she attempts to take on the overwhelming responsibilities of motherhood. She may not be physically able to have an outside career on top of being a mom. Not everyone can. Could she live with that?
Physically, you're adults. From a maturity standpoint, you are glorified children.
But having babies has a way of turning children into adults. Suddenly, the priorities snap right into place. I wouldn't say that our house could have passed inspection by an annoyed brigadier general or anything, but we just suddenly started paying a great deal more attention to keeping the house in order.
Some of you have mentioned the possibility of her having depression. I think that might be a real possibility. She doesn't seem depressed in any sense of the word, though.
Some of you also brought up "low energy". This is something that she mentioned to her doctor over the summer. All tests came back negative in the sense that nothing physiological could explain anything. Whether or not there is something underlaying, she is lazy, she is messy, and she also procrastinates like a mofo.
What do you mean by "sense of the word"? She doesn't appear sad? She doesn't appear to have any of the markers of depression? Just speaking from what you've stated in the OP, her messiness, (imagined) body aches, inability to handle tasks, inability to bear social activities does point to depression (could be other things as well).
Quote:
This is what I fear will happen. I could live with it if I have to, but I don't want to be in a situation where I had to because I know it would lead to resentment, which I do not want. I have no doubt she would be a loving parent. I am not worried about that.
Yes, she most definitely wants kids. Not in a HURRY UP DANGIT! MY CLOCK IS TICKING! kind of way, though, but something that she wants within the next few years. In fact, she wants three kids and hopes to have twins at first just to get the first two "out of the way" right off the bat. Or something to that effect. We've talked about it a good number of times, including the day we realized things were serious between us and we wanted to move forward as a serious couple.
You know, when I was a teenager my mom used to tell me, "Son, just wait until you get a girlfriend. Then you will for sure give a damn about brushing your teeth". Maybe that is my problem. I got my mom's voice stuck in my head
This is definitely something you would need to sit down and discuss with her. I'm sure she'll promise change, but she'll need to actively prove that for the rest of her life. And you, OP, will have to stop cleaning for her because it is enabling and you need to give her a chance to make the changes. Otherwise, what you see is what you get... and you also have to accept the likely possibility that her tendencies will get worse with children and age. Are you overwhelmed with these issues now?
listen to your mom - this girl has no desire to change her ways for you. And she wants to have twins just to get it out of the way.
What happens after the twins are born? They go in a box? There is something not right with her.
Does she really want kids? Maybe she just thinks that is what you want to hear? Also maybe taking care of her mom just drains her of all energy and motivation.
I'm a low energy person, and I know my limitations. I do have low thyroid and had my dosage increased and I feel better, more energetic.
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