Grandmother does not follow instructions: (girls, children, 20 years old, husband)
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I'm a little surprised that so many responses are essentially "Grandma can do whatever she wants with the grandkids." Maybe that's not the message intended but that's how it is coming across. As much as Grandma loves them, and I don't doubt for a second that she would lay down her life for them, they're not her children.
Maybe I'd feel differently if visiting Grandma was once or twice a year. But my frame of reference is that Grandma lived nearby and would have liked to have the kids once a week. Stuffing them with junk food and spending the day watching TV once out of every seven days, which was what she really did want to do, was just too much for me. I didn't even feel that I could say we had a healthy diet and restricted screen time, etc., if once a week all the rules went out the window. Reading through these replies gives the impression that the grandparents are really trying to compete with the parents for love and affection: "See how much FUN Grandma is! And your parents are so boring and strict! You don't want to be stuck with them and their dull rules! You want to have be with Grandma and have FUN!"
And, if that happens more than very occasionally, it is absolutely undermining respect and authority for the parents. No one here has said Grandma can't check her phone, turn on the news in the background, or give the child a single treat. But if Grandma's attitude was--"Mom says bedtime is 8, but I'll let you stay up until 10! Mom said one cookie, I'll give you four! See how much fun Grandma is!!"--then Grandma would not be babysitting my kids.
Yea that's how it comes across to me too; I understand the grandparents don't see it that way, they have the best intentions and I get the point of establishing a close relationship with the grandkids, but I don't necessarily feel that blatantly going against the parents' rules and emphasizing that as 'fun' with the kids is the best or only way to get that closeness. I would think kids get a better message by knowing that rules are consistent and all the adults in their life agree on them, rather than playing 'good cop, bad cop'.
Of course all that is totally moot in the OP's case anyways because a 9 month old baby isn't able to appreciate any of that fun stuff. Nothing special is going to change in their relationships just because grandma sneaks her some chocolate while mom isn't looking - however, done regularly enough, it could have negative effects on the baby's eating habits and health down the road.
I'm a little surprised that so many responses are essentially "Grandma can do whatever she wants with the grandkids." Maybe that's not the message intended but that's how it is coming across. As much as Grandma loves them, and I don't doubt for a second that she would lay down her life for them, they're not her children.
Maybe I'd feel differently if visiting Grandma was once or twice a year. But my frame of reference is that Grandma lived nearby and would have liked to have the kids once a week. Stuffing them with junk food and spending the day watching TV once out of every seven days, which was what she really did want to do, was just too much for me. I didn't even feel that I could say we had a healthy diet and restricted screen time, etc., if once a week all the rules went out the window. Reading through these replies gives the impression that the grandparents are really trying to compete with the parents for love and affection: "See how much FUN Grandma is! And your parents are so boring and strict! You don't want to be stuck with them and their dull rules! You want to have be with Grandma and have FUN!"
And, if that happens more than very occasionally, it is absolutely undermining respect and authority for the parents. No one here has said Grandma can't check her phone, turn on the news in the background, or give the child a single treat. But if Grandma's attitude was--"Mom says bedtime is 8, but I'll let you stay up until 10! Mom said one cookie, I'll give you four! See how much fun Grandma is!!"--then Grandma would not be babysitting my kids.
This is how I feel as well.
The thumbing the nose at parents' rules because "We're the grandparentssssss" is absolutely appalling and arrogant. I know grandparents who do not act like this so I know its not me.
MIL loves the fact that she breaks pretty much every rule we have for our children. Its a game of oneupsmanship that I absolutely refuse to play.
The thumbing the nose at parents' rules because "We're the grandparentssssss" is absolutely appalling and arrogant. I know grandparents who do not act like this so I know its not me.
MIL loves the fact that she breaks pretty much every rule we have for our children. Its a game of oneupsmanship that I absolutely refuse to play.
Well maybe some of us have decent enough relationships within the family that not everything is a war or a game of who is on top.
It has to be tiring to worry about the motive of every family member all the time.
Well maybe some of us have decent enough relationships within the family that not everything is a war or a game of who is on top.
It has to be tiring to worry about the motive of every family member all the time.
Exactly!
Believe me, this is no competition. For instance, even though I'm not Catholic, I definitely support their parents when the kids chaff against going to Mass or religious education classes, etc. If a kid tells me, "My mom won't let us watch this," then I promise you, I've got the remote and off it goes - in fact, I always call my daughters and say, "We're thinking about watching such and such - what do you think?" and if she says, "No, I'm not comfortable with that," then we don't watch it.
I actually think my daughters would be slightly disappointed if I didn't buck the system once in awhile. For instance, when I told my daughter that I was going to ask the youngest if she wanted a brother or a sister...or a puppy. My daughter squealed and said, "Oh no, Mom - you know how crazy she is about dogs! If you tell her I might have a puppy, she will get her hopes up!" I said, "Well, too bad - I'm going to ask her that." So when we got together, I said, "Hey, ______, what do you think - are you excited about that baby?" She grinned and said "Yes!" and I looked over at my daughter and son in law and they were rolling their eyes and putting their faces in their hands, and I said, "Well...do you want a brother...or a sister...or a PUPPY?" It was hilarious! The look on her face was worth $1000! And we all maintained that too...I said, "Well, your mother will have a test Monday that you're going to get to go see. And Monday we will find out whether she's having a baby or a puppy."
She's having a baby. And _____ is fine with it. In fact, she got to see the baby moving and kicking and she was thoroughly entranced.
That's what it's all about. Fun and family and love and humor and lots of laughs and hugs.
Well maybe some of us have decent enough relationships within the family that not everything is a war or a game of whose on top.
It has to be tiring to worry about the motive of every family member all the time.
I'm also thinking it's a difference in family relationships that makes us see this so differently. I never would have felt like my mother was trying to one-up me or undermine my authority. I would feel like in her home, there were different standards and rules. I would love to know that she and my daughter had fun spending time together, even if it was doing stuff she didn't get to do at home. But then, I know my mother would have never done anything to harm my child or gone against my wishes on something I felt strongly about. If she knew my dd had a bad reaction to certain food or something like that, she would respect that. But having an extra cookie or staying up an hour later? I can't even see myself getting upset about that.
Yet they raised you and kept you alive long enough to make more money and treat them like that.
I'm not even going to defend myself or argue with you. As soon as I read the Original Post A ton of bad memories and negative emotions flooded my mind and contributed to my rather negative post, which by the way I still stand by....
I'm also thinking it's a difference in family relationships that makes us see this so differently. I never would have felt like my mother was trying to one-up me or undermine my authority. I would feel like in her home, there were different standards and rules. I would love to know that she and my daughter had fun spending time together, even if it was doing stuff she didn't get to do at home. But then, I know my mother would have never done anything to harm my child or gone against my wishes on something I felt strongly about. If she knew my dd had a bad reaction to certain food or something like that, she would respect that. But having an extra cookie or staying up an hour later? I can't even see myself getting upset about that.
Good points - thanks for adding that perspective.
When I was a first time mom, I had all sorts of rules and such, which is why I got a bit irate when my mother called me to ask me "why I had sent a sick child to spend the weekend with her?" When I told her the child had been perfectly healthy when I dropped her off, and I asked her what she had eaten (five huge biscuits with butter and honey, which she promptly threw up), all things became clear to me -INCLUDING the fact that in spite of the tummy drama, my child would be just fine (and she was).
Sure I was a bit put out, but overall, the time spent with my mom was worth the temporary stomach revolt. When I picked her up 48 hours later, she was just about glued to my mom's leg and was obviously having a marvelous time with the two grandparents. If I had focused on their temporary and basically harmless lapse of judgment rather than the positives, I would have cheated all of us out of some really special bonding times.
By the way, in spite of the human frailties and shortcomings that both my parents have displayed over the years, my now - adult kids still to this day enjoy a very loving relationship with my elderly parents. I consider this one of the greatest gifts they will ever have.
I don't see these situations as remotely the same.
This one:
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
For instance, when I told my daughter that I was going to ask the youngest if she wanted a brother or a sister...or a puppy. My daughter squealed and said, "Oh no, Mom - you know how crazy she is about dogs! If you tell her I might have a puppy, she will get her hopes up!" I said, "Well, too bad - I'm going to ask her that." So when we got together, I said, "Hey, ______, what do you think - are you excited about that baby?" She grinned and said "Yes!" and I looked over at my daughter and son in law and they were rolling their eyes and putting their faces in their hands, and I said, "Well...do you want a brother...or a sister...or a PUPPY?" It was hilarious! The look on her face was worth $1000! And we all maintained that too...I said, "Well, your mother will have a test Monday that you're going to get to go see. And Monday we will find out whether she's having a baby or a puppy."
would just cause me to roll my eyes.
But this one:
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
So one time she dropped Madie off with me and said, "Ok, here's the deal - she needs to eat NO JUNK FOOD - and be in bed by 8 pm." I decided now was my time to set things straight. I looked at Madie and said, "Well, that doesn't sound like a bit of fun. Tell you what - I'm going to let you eat several cookies after dinner - and we're going to stay up late and watch Loony Tunes together! As many as we want to watch!" My daughter's jaw just dropped but to her credit she laughed it off. Later I told her, "MiMi's are supposed to spoil grandkids. So when you tell us TWO COOKIES ONLY you can count on me winking at Madie and saying, OK, that really means four.
would cause me to pick up the baby and leave immediately. Sorry. You took it upon yourself to "set the child's parents straight"? Totally rude, disrespectful, and inappropriate.
Quote:
That's what it's all about. Fun and family and love and humor and lots of laughs and hugs.
I guess I'm not seeing the humor in flat-out undermining the parents. Different ideas of humor, I guess.
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