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I'm almost 41 and although I never wanted kids in the past I'm now regretting it. I have friends that keep saying "you can still have one" even after I ask them to please not say that. I think it's rude. My husband and I both work full time and can't afford not to. I'm struggle with 30/40 extra lbs. I have thyroid issues, highly stressed and at this point it would be risky....I just feel like people just don't relate to me anymore....friends with kids are more distant now. When I'm with people with kids thats all they talk about. People that meet me seem to wonder why we didn't have kids. When people ask if I have kids and I say no just dogs I feel an awkward silence afterwards. It's almost like I feel completely useless as a person. It consumes me now. I don't know why I just didn't try for a child in my early thirties....I was just so scared of being pregnant and dealing with more weight gain since I always struggled with it. The worst is when you find out someone you know in their 40's who you never thought would ever have a child is now pregnant.
Not shameful at all. For some reason, society thinks it's a woman's duty to have kids. Men are treated differently about this as Jennifer Aniston has pointed out by asking the media when are they going to start bugging George Cloony about having babies! Having kids is not a requirement for anyone and should be a complete choice. The human population isn't on the verge of extinction, if anything the more people we have opting out, the better .
As far as your friends being rude, I think it depends on how well they know the situation. If they know you didn't want kids before, and you say or imply that you regret it now, pointing out that there is still time (either through pregnancy or adoption) then they are being supportive. If they don't know the reasons, then I think it's rude, because some people may have wanted kids, but weren't able for whatever reason and proding could bring up painful emotions. If you are just meeting someone and they don't know how to respond to your "no just dogs" reply, try to make a light joke then ask them about their kids, that should move the conversation along .
Your worth as a human being is not determined by whether you have children or not. It is not shameful to be childless. Only you can decide what is best for you . If you want a child then have one . If not, then don't. No one's business but your own.
^ USELESS!? *pft* None of that please! Whatever you do for work is contributing to many more people than just ONE! In addition, you can volunteer or do anything else that you want to feel more "useful!"
Our society does seem to have a special shaming for childless women of 40+. It's like they don't understand them or know how to relate. Most are probably curious about "why" but won't ask.
When people ask you, maybe follow up with something like, "that was just not for me" or "i went in a different direction," etc. My usual response is "I can barely take care of myself and two cats!" This is the truth for me!!
If you REALLY still want to *be a parent,* many foster kids need placement. It costs less and should not make you gain weight.
But it seems to me that this is more about not being able to have the *option* which i totally understand and it is very normal.
It is the childfree person's equivalent of "empty nest syndrome."
Location: New Albany, Indiana (Greater Louisville)
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It is best for people to have children and pass on their values and traditions to a new generation. But some people have bad circumstances or just aren't good at parenting. Some people want to have kids but they never find an ideal partner. BTW I took many demographics classes in college and throughout history about 20% of women never have children. What's different today is that the women having children only have one or two so it isn't enough to raise the fertility rate above 2.
Myself I have a bad family situation and major student loan debt problems. I was born into a bad situation and always vowed I would not bring an innocent life into a situation that wasn't mostly ideal.
I'm 59, never had children, and don't regret it. That said, I have enjoyed being grandma to my late first husband's grandchildren and enjoy staying in touch with former students. There are lots of ways to be useful to young people; biological parenting is only one of them.
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Whatever you do for work is contributing to many more people than just ONE! In addition, you can volunteer or do anything else that you want to feel more "useful!"
