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I know you are right, I do make her do chores and help around the house, even though she does complain. I have had her mow, do yard work, as well as some home improvement projects. As for sending her to a shelter from what I've heard they are usually always booked and far from the safest places to go and women can get attacked/raped close to them. Even then you can't stay forever, what if she goes for a bit but ends up out in the streets?
Don she will not end up on the streets.
Absolutely given those circumstance the girl would come crying back home to daddy and succumb to working a fast food job.
OP, you don’t have to be an a hole to her. Just tell her that you can’t keep paying for her car, phone, etc. or by giving her $. Leave it there. She’ll figure out she needs money and she’ll have to figure out how to get it (i.e. a job). She may find a boyfriend to give her some money but unless she finds someone who’s willing to pay for her phone, insurance, etc, she’ll have to get a job.
I wouldn’t kick her out and I don’t think there will be a need to do that IF you stick to not enabling her behavior (i.e. stop paying for all her stuff and giving her spending money). Food? Sure. A room to sleep in? Sure. But nothing other than that. Not even money for clothing. She’ll have to fend for herself in terms of her social life and everything else. Do that right away. She’ll blow up at first but after a couple of weeks, it’ll settle down and she’ll settle in.
You tried to help, I get that. She’s not responding. Actually, she is responding – but poorly. She’s turning the help you are giving her into taking advantage rather than using it to lift herself.
Keep helping. But you need to change how you are helping. The new method will be more painful for both you and her. That’s unfortunate but if you want to help, it has to be done. Realize that if you keep doing what you’re doing, it’s not only not helping, it’s hurting her.
After that first painful phase, you’ll have (or should have) phase II. Charge her rent. You simply need to make it uncomfortable for her in order to push her to a level she is resisting getting too. Growing up is scary and she clearly needs help doing it. Help her.
I know it's hard for young people to find jobs today but it amazes me how so many feel they are above menial jobs. I know I am going to sound old but back in my day just sitting around not doing anything was unheard of, as well as feeling they "deserve" whatever job they want. I know it's not all young people but damn it sure seems today's youth are the laziest and most entitled.
You made a big deal about your wife like it's her you blame...But, you co-parented til your daughter was 10...and hopefully still after the divorce. Now for 7 years...you need to go to counseling for yourself. You need to find out about you...then you'll be able to parent the right way.
You can only change you. Meanwhile...take the car, turn off the cell phone, let her eat off paper plates........
one search and tons of links re;parenting a difficult child (below)
But...get into counseling for yourself asap.
Sounds like she needs some help growing up and doesn't yet appreciate the realities of being a full-fledged adult. Does she claim to want to be independent? If so, maybe a plan you make with her to help her progress toward that goal would help - if she sees that she is working toward something for her, maybe she will have more buy-in. Really, a low-wage job is often a consequence (to some extent) of lack of motivation and education. But if she never feels the consequence, it can be hard to get motivated. When she has a chance to grow up, she may turn out to be more appreciative of what her parents have done for her over the years, and more motivated and confident to do things for herself. I kind of like the idea Rivertownwalk mentioned - getting her a jump start to independence - but just realize that when you do so and she is out on her own, you may not be 100% happy with her choices but at that point it is time to keep quiet and let her make mistakes and hopefully learn from them unless she actually wants advice.
your daughter might refuse to work in fast food, that is her prerogative, I wouldn't want to work in fast food myself, however I am sure there are other jobs out there, what can she do? has she any qualifications?
lots of young people these days think the world owes them a living, they all want to work in I.T., no one wants to be a plumber or a builder-no one wants to get their hands dirty anymore.
Easy for us to give you advice on such an issue, but in THIS household she would be told in order to remain living/eating here she would HAVE to have a job by (set a deadline). Tell her even if it is a job she doesn't want/like, UNTIL she finds and gets hired by one she does, she needs to do SOMETHING constructive.
The 'cure' for this begins the day you bring them home from the hospital. The higher you hold the bar, the better kids do. You must lead by example, divorced or sickness, etc. Guilty parenting only creates HUGE problems.
You teach people how to treat you... even your kids. Just because her mom bailed out doesn't mean you should. Stop paying for her sad lifestyle...NO phone, tablet, car, insurance ETC. tether take the bus to seek employment in any job SHE chooses. IF you have to cut the umbilical Cord and boot her out at a predetermined date and grow some & DO IT! She's working you now Just like she did her mom.
So your ex-wife did a lousy job of raising your daughter, and then sends her off to you at 15 when the damage is all done and fixing her is almost too late. Nice. Anyhow, sorry to tell you this, but you're left with almost no alternative. Tell her she gets a job, starts contributing a fair share to the household income, paying her bills, earning her own spending money or she's out, without the car. Its called tough love. Explain it all to her. IE She's an adult now, its time to take responsibility for yourself. Maybe she'll straighten out, maybe not. But stick to a deadline. 30-60 days or she's out on her kiester. Your alternative is that she will live dependent on you forever.
I dont think the OP gets it. He is obviously providing a car, insurance, gas. She has 3 speeding tickets, her car would go. Like now. If she wants to get around, give her a bike.
Other than a roof over her head and food, which are needs, anything else is strictly wants. No, a cell phone is not a need. Where did this line of thinking ever come from?? This girl has no motivation to do anything.
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