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I wonder why people do not want to help their married children go to college. If the parents are going to pay when they were single and they are doing well in school why should it matter if they got married. Unless you are also being asked to support a spouse who is not going to school.
I'll try to answer your question. I believe in most cases it is because the children are trying to marry too young or in haste and the parents want to encourage them to slow down. My siblings and I all married after college (age 24 to 26) and our children are primarily getting married well after college, or after advanced degrees, in their late 20s/early 30s.
I would want my child to have what I call the "whole college experience". To me that means moving away from home and learning how to live independently, to handle problems and various situations on your own. Not to be hobbled by always taking someone else's needs & wants into consideration.
Of course, the big thing is to grow and learn as an adult when you are in college. To try new activities, join clubs, take classes that "expand your horizons", meet new people of all different types, etc. while you are getting your degree.
I am a simple farm girl from a fairly small town who went to our states flagstaff University. My HS sweetheart proposed to me when we were seniors in HS. If we would have married I never would have met and dated a local farm owner when I was home one summer, dated a Jewish boy from a very wealthy and well connected family, dated a man from an African country whose family was scattered all over the world. BTW, all three of these were long term relationships where all three men proposed to me.
In addition, in college I met many, many amazing people from all over the US. I studied abroad, in my specialty area for one semester. I became very active in politics, even attending numerous national conventions. I took the classes that I wanted, joined the clubs that I wanted, traveled when I wanted, without the hindrance of being accountable to a husband. I volunteered and worked many hours a week and still graduated with top honors and special awards.
My experiences when I was in college shaped my entire life. I don't know what would have happened if I had married at age 18. I know that I would never studied abroad, I probably would not have been as active in politics, I probably would not have had the wide range of friends and social activities that I did. I certainly would not have dated the men & met the other people that introduced me to people and situations far beyond our small farm and helped me grow into a better, more well rounded woman.
And, when I married my HS sweetheart at age 25, I knew that he was "the one". BTW, he had grown and changed over those years as well.
I am almost 100% certain that if we would have married at age 18 neither of us would have had the maturity to stay married. We will be celebrating our 39 th wedding anniversary soon instead of being another divorce statistic because of marrying too young.
So, if my parents had said "Sure, go ahead and get married, we will continue paying some of your college expenses" for me it would have definitely changed my life for the worst.
Of course, everyone is different. Maybe in your case, getting married young and having your parents pay your way through college worked out well. But, among my friends and relatives I can not even think of one situation where the parents helped support their college age child after they got married. I know, in a couple of situations because the parents refused to continue providing support after marriage their children waited to get married and ended up breaking up with the person. Which, probably meant that it was not the right person or the right time.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-08-2016 at 10:29 AM..
10 years ago for me. When I was in school, parents paying expenses was not normal. For the most part, everyone I know was driving the same crappy car they got in HS, working part time to pay expenses, and taking loans out for education. If your parents were paying your expenses, you sure as hell didn't tell anyone.
When I was 18, I had a decent job (electrician's apprentice), bought myself a car, and drove that through college. Part-time work paid the car insurance, repairs, gas, and my food and entertainment expenses. And when I graduated, I had student loans. Fortunately in my case, I did VERY well career-wise (mech engineer) after that, so paying them off wasn't an issue.
Now to be having kids myself and hearing I need to buy them a car, a cell phone, pay their car insurance, college tuition and expenses up to age 26. I certainly will help them, but if my 18 year old son says "dad can I buy a car", i'm gonna say the same thing my dad told me...."Sure..go get a job!"
It was much the same for my parents, as I was raised in a blue collar community. I wasn't told to get a job, I looked for one because I wanted things my parents would not or could not provide. My peers who were raised in wealthier areas had a different experience.
My student loan for 4 years of school was approximately $6,000. I paid $100 a month into the early 90's -- just before I had my son.
My son attends the same university which I did. A year's full time tuition (with books and housing, no meal plan) when I attended in 1983 is = to 1 full time semester (no books or housing) in 2015. It's crazy. At least he won't come out of school this May saddled in student loan debt. One less thing to worry about while trying to get established in a career.
Does your state offer a 529 savings plan which will afford you some tax deductibility? In my case, I preferred saving the money for their education as opposed to handing anything extra over to NYS. I saved what I could comfortably afford.
Only reason I could guess is that people who marry young tend to have children young.
I sure as hell wouldn't want to fork out $35K/year or more if they decide to have a kid and need to leave school and never finish their degree.
Where I live, however, getting married young is not the norm. I'm still getting invites to first weddings from peers well into their 30's.
The weddings that I have been invited to in the last few years have been to people in their late 20s to late 30s, all marrying for the first time. YMMV
Well, IMHO, that is what adults did 25 years ago, when you graduated from HS, and 46 years, when I graduated from HS, but I am not sure that all teenagers in 2016 believe the same thing. I have known, or heard of, plenty of teens/young adults that feel that the "Mom & Dad Money Train plus the MIL & FIL Money Train" should continue well after they get married.
In my house I tell my kids all the time (they are 11 and 12) that once they reach 18 they have two options 1) they can either get a full-time job and move out, or 2) live at home while working part-time to pay for tuition at a local community college. But after 2-4 years if they don't have a degree, they need to figure out their next steps and move out.
When my kids ask me financial questions, I tell them the truth so they understand WHY we can't buy/do certain things, and why I'm always trying to plan vacations that are always under a certain amount of money. They know our family has a budget, and that we try our best to stick with it. They also know the expectation is that when they turn 16, they will get a part-time job after school or on weekends in order to cover the increase in car insurance we'll have to pay, as well as their own gas money.
Now, if one of them were to come to me at age 17-18 and say, "I want to get married," - I don't know. I might flip out internally. *lol* But given the (currently) good relationship with my kids, I would hope that we'd be able to sit down and really get to the heart of WHY the need to get married versus waiting.
I have received some good feedback in the past, so here goes...
Son has been seeing this girl for almost a year now. His first girlfriend, so naturally he is "in love."
At first it was all cute that he got himself a girl, but now I am over hearing them talk about getting married when she turns 18! She is 17 now. He just turned 17.
I am sitting him down and having a talk with him about this. From one Mom to another, I need some advice on how to word this. I mean, in a teenagers mind, they don't see anything wrong, but we all know this could be a disaster!
He has a lot of growing up to do, college, etc. This is insane! If I word it wrong, afraid I will make things worse.
Your husband needs to talk to the father of the 17 year old girl. As a father of a 16 year old girl I would be over at your house in 30 seconds putting an end to this.
This reminds me of a true story from the early 1980s. My buddy in Brooklyn had a neighbor who was 19 dating a 16 year old girl of a "mobbed up guy", Dad was totally against it and warned the kid. Well talk turned to marriage from daughter having a kid etc. The man had far better plans for daughter, college, good job, classy guy from surburbs not a street kid from brookyn.
Well dad went to favorite bakery/coffee shop in Brooklyn got a seat outdoors and sat for several hours chatting to friends and the neighbors.
The punk kid walking down the sidewalk a few minutes later had a hood shoved over head was thrown in trunk of car driving up state to woods, they got him out, blindfolded and all made him dig his grave, got him into grave, put him on knees put a gun to head and pulled trigger, guess what no bullets. The guy goes never see so and so again. Or next time the gun will be loaded, we know where you live, we snatched you today we can do it anytime. You so much as talk to her you are back in the trunk and your grave is already dug.
They drive him back to the exact corner open trunk and push him out. He gets up totally unharmed just a little dusty right back where he started. Now my friend went to HS with him and was pre-law. He tells him story. He goes so let me get this straight, you mess with a mobsters 16 year old daughter, two guys you never saw, in a car you never saw picks you up and drops you in the same place a few hours later. If you walk into police station they will contract daughter or father and daughter knows nothing about it and dad has alibi, the rest of life you walk looking over shoulder at every car full well knowing you are ending up in that grave. And guess what the cops are not protecting you as they think you are an idiot. He never went to cops, never returned phone call, moved away and daughter had a nice life none the wiser.
This girl is his first girlfriend that he has ever had, so yes, I can see what your saying to be true.
I have come to the conclusion that they are both the jealous type. He wants to "label" her as taken. He is afraid of someone flirting with her, or saying a cross word to her, etc.
Maybe I'm showing my age here, but whatever happened to giving the girl your class ring or your team jacket, or something? Those are plenty adequate for "labeling" someone as taken. I guess they went the way of cassette tapes and AOL CD's. Can you convince your son to "make it official" in some other way?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DelightfulNYC
This reminds me of a true story from the early 1980s. My buddy in Brooklyn had a neighbor who was 19 dating a 16 year old girl of a "mobbed up guy"
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The punk kid walking down the sidewalk a few minutes later had a hood shoved over head was thrown in trunk of car driving up state to woods, they got him out, blindfolded and all made him dig his grave, got him into grave, put him on knees put a gun to head and pulled trigger, guess what no bullets. The guy goes never see so and so again. Or next time the gun will be loaded, we know where you live, we snatched you today we can do it anytime. You so much as talk to her you are back in the trunk and your grave is already dug.
This makes me glad I only date women 25 and older, who are woman-next-door types far removed from mob connections. The kid's stupidity nonewithstanding.
When I was 18, I had a PT job, attended college full time which was paid in part by scholarships and a student loan. My mom was ill and instead of paying room and board, I did housework, laundry, and some grocery shopping.
I started saving in a 529 plan for my children after they were born. I was able to get a state tax write off for it. My oldest graduated HS and received multiple scholarship offers from the colleges he applied to. He will graduate with his BS debt free. Any money left in his 529 will roll into his younger sibling's 529 upon his graduation.
I gave him my vehicle as a graduation present as he decided to attend a local university. He pays for maintenance, car insurance, fuel, repairs, etc. He also works and has health insurance through his job.
He lives at home as rent in our area is expensive -- a 2br 1 ba cottage in my neighborhood is $2,500 per month -- utilities not included. A room mate would still mean $1,250 per month plus utilities. Living at home he takes care of yard work, maintenance tasks, etc., buys food, runs errands for me.
To answer your question -- I partially pay for my children's college. I gave my son a 10 year-old Jeep Wrangler. If a parent can afford to help with the cost of college, is that such a bad thing? I'd sooner invest in their future via a college education than throw the money away on some ridiculous, flashy wedding reception. In other words, I have no intention of paying for my children's weddings and they know it.
1980's for me and my siblings...
Mom and Dad never bought cars for any of us and they did not pay for college... we all went to school locally which worked out well since we were all working...
Mom/Dad never had a new car and the two cars Mom had when I was growing up included a 1972 Toyota and a 76 Rabbit... she drove that 1976 Rabbit until 2001... they bought it 5 years old for $800 and she drove it for 20 years... stick shift and no A/C or radio...
UC Berkeley, Cal State East Bay, San Jose State... for us kids...
Not a one of us lived on campus... much too expensive and that would have meant having to quit our jobs... I had been working since age 12 paying into Social Security... much of my time in college, I was a weekend manager for an autoparts store... youngest manager at the time... but I had more seniority than most since I started so early...
I lived at home and also paid room and board... my siblings did not... one had board as part of his job and the other fell into a great deal because his friends were desperate to find another roommate.
The 80's were also a time of the highest unemployment since the Great Depression... mortgage rates through the roof... like 15% interest!
Mom and Dad did not pay for weddings either... they paid their own way for their wedding...
As mentioned... a lot of my friends joined the military to pay for education and housing assistance... a few did get scholarships... academic and sports...
We all grew up in East Oakland California... you learn how to take care of yourself and stay out of trouble or you don't... not really any in between.
A lot of us also did 2 years at the local community college with a 4 year college track...
What I do see now is almost all of my co-workers pay for college... full ride in fact. Kind of surprising in that they actually take their kid to college... get them set up in the dorms... classes, etc...
Really a different world today and much more affluent...
I've met people that were highschool sweethearts... and they made it work.
A few weeks ago I met a young guy... turns out he was the son of highschool sweethearts in my class... he was fascinated that I knew both his parents... great kid... sadly, his Mom and Dad struggled for years and ended up divorced... said the only good thing that came out of their marriage was him...
Last edited by Ultrarunner; 01-08-2016 at 07:27 PM..
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