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We see this sort of side topic come up on other threads. I was curious about other people's thinking on this. A few caveats.
This is not intended to be a judgement on what other people choose. I would hope that people can discuss what they choose and why, expected results when the choice was made, and if possible actual results from experience of exercising that choice. It is assumed that, of course, all parents are making the best choices for their family from their knowledge, beliefs and experience. That is to say, I hope that differing opinions are not assumed to be judgements and that those difference can be shared without judgement.
The question comes up about the balance between doing FOR your kids (laundry, fetching their forgotten lunch to their school, making their lunches...) and requiring/expecting your kids to do for themselves. Obviously this is going to depend on age. Which way do you tend and why?
My kids are 6/7 (my oldest will be 8 in about 10 days) and I lean towards both of them doing for themselves. They put away their own clothes, bring their dishes to the sink and rinse them, get their own cereal, help put groceries away and my son will also preheat the oven. They both like to help make certain meals so they help with those. Son puts his clothes in the washer though he's not quite tall enough to reach the controls. They clean their own bathroom (the sink part) and they vacuum their own rooms. They will also help out on outside as well. They helped the neighbor plant her flowers this spring and I found them picking weeds not long ago out of our yard.
I was doing a lot of things for myself when I was around my oldest's age. I made my lunch everyday and while I can't remember the exact grade I stayed home by myself after school from maybe 3-4 grade up (could have been sooner just don't remember). I was making my own spaghettio's (not on a stove in the microwave)for dinner in 4/5th grade as well. I used to ride my bike to softball practice in 5th/6th grade and I also used to ride my bike the few blocks to the neighborhood pool in those same grades. Part of it was the time in which I grew up and the other part was how my parents were and expected.
I want them to be able to do for themselves now so it always stays with them. I want them to be able to take care of themselves once they get out in the real world.
We see this sort of side topic come up on other threads. I was curious about other people's thinking on this. A few caveats.
This is not intended to be a judgement on what other people choose. I would hope that people can discuss what they choose and why, expected results when the choice was made, and if possible actual results from experience of exercising that choice. It is assumed that, of course, all parents are making the best choices for their family from their knowledge, beliefs and experience. That is to say, I hope that differing opinions are not assumed to be judgements and that those difference can be shared without judgement.
The question comes up about the balance between doing FOR your kids (laundry, fetching their forgotten lunch to their school, making their lunches...) and requiring/expecting your kids to do for themselves. Obviously this is going to depend on age. Which way do you tend and why?
This is what I try my best to live by:
Helping*is doing something for someone else that they are not capable of doing for themselves.
Enabling*is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves.
I am a terribly organized person especially with time and a SAHM, so it is easy for me to follow through with the above. I always make sure that my kids have plenty of time to do the things that they need to do. My husband on the other hand has a very hard time because he grossly underestimates how long things take. So when he is rushing he would rather just do for them instead of run late.
We see this sort of side topic come up on other threads. I was curious about other people's thinking on this. A few caveats.
This is not intended to be a judgement on what other people choose. I would hope that people can discuss what they choose and why, expected results when the choice was made, and if possible actual results from experience of exercising that choice. It is assumed that, of course, all parents are making the best choices for their family from their knowledge, beliefs and experience. That is to say, I hope that differing opinions are not assumed to be judgements and that those difference can be shared without judgement.
The question comes up about the balance between doing FOR your kids (laundry, fetching their forgotten lunch to their school, making their lunches...) and requiring/expecting your kids to do for themselves. Obviously this is going to depend on age. Which way do you tend and why?
Not only does it depend on age but in some cases it depends on what makes sense in the larger context.
Could I have insisted my kids do their own laundry? Well sure, but it didn't make sense. Combining loads is less expensive, more efficient and environmentally friendly . Since some of those clothes are mine (and I'm picky about laundering) I preferred to do it myself. Both are adults now and perfectly capable of doing laundry.
They packed their own lunch after about 5th grade. Not to say I wouldn't occasionally do it if they were running late or if I was packing mine and it was convenient.
Forgotten assignments? I gave each one a once per semester "pass" where I would bring a fotgotten item. I rarely had to do it.
It depends. I will sometimes make the kids breakfast even though, at 12, 15 and 16, they are more than capable of doing it themselves. I generally do their laundry. I make the 16 year olds lunch every school day... I'm up anyway and she's rushing around to get ready. She knows how to do it, obviously. The other two are homeschooled so no lunches to pack. But sometimes they clean bathrooms, throw in a load of towels, wash dishes, make lunch for everyone, etc. I will also ask them to make me a cup of tea, go grab me something out of another room, and so on. As long as they know how to do things, I not opposed to doing things for them. It's just part of being a family, imo.
This is what I try my best to live by:
Helping*is doing something for someone else that they are not capable of doing for themselves.
Enabling*is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves.
I am a terribly organized person especially with time and a SAHM, so it is easy for me to follow through with the above. I always make sure that my kids have plenty of time to do the things that they need to do. My husband on the other hand has a very hard time because he grossly underestimates how long things take. So when he is rushing he would rather just do for them instead of run late.
My kids are still young, oldest is 6, so there is a lot that CAN'T do yet, but they do everything they can by themselves. They pick up all their messes, take in their dishes, get their own snacks (my husband makes them cereal in the morning while I'm still in bed, they refill themselves), they bring me their laundry and we sort it together, I wash, dry and fold it, they put it away. Basically if they can do it themselves they do, if they need help, I help. Like my middle son still needs help brushing his teeth. He can do it, but I don't think he's thorough enough, so I do it.
It depends. I will sometimes make the kids breakfast even though, at 12, 15 and 16, they are more than capable of doing it themselves. I generally do their laundry. I make the 16 year olds lunch every school day... I'm up anyway and she's rushing around to get ready. She knows how to do it, obviously. The other two are homeschooled so no lunches to pack. But sometimes they clean bathrooms, throw in a load of towels, wash dishes, make lunch for everyone, etc. I will also ask them to make me a cup of tea, go grab me something out of another room, and so on. As long as they know how to do things, I not opposed to doing things for them. It's just part of being a family, imo.
We were separated at birth! Ditto to all of this, down to the 16-year-old's lunch and the younger two homeschooled kids (though my younger two are 13 and 11 ). Everyone knows how to do the chores, but I don't force the kids to always do every little thing for themselves just because they can or just to make a point.
I'm all about efficiency and economy of scale. I visited a family once in which each of the five children was required from a very early age (say 6-7) to do all his/her own laundry. Those kids were certainly very capable at laundry and the mother was proud of them. But all I could think of was what a waste it was for seven people (counting the parents) to be constantly running separate tiny loads of wash. You could put them together and do it all with a third of the time, water, electricity, and detergent.
With things like putting clothes away, that doesn't apply, so my kids each put away their own clean clothes. They take turns cleaning bathrooms, they help with dishes, they take out the trash. They often fix their own breakfasts and at-home lunches. But if my daughter is busy doing homework and asks me to make her a grilled cheese sandwich, I'm not going to stand on principle and tell her no, do it yourself.
It depends. I will sometimes make the kids breakfast even though, at 12, 15 and 16, they are more than capable of doing it themselves. I generally do their laundry. I make the 16 year olds lunch every school day... I'm up anyway and she's rushing around to get ready. She knows how to do it, obviously.
So in addition to knowing how to make breakfast, would it be beneficial for her to also learn how to manage her time so she can get everything done? Not a criticism, just a thought.
What is the benefit to the family of doing laundry for them?
Again just curious how other folks do things. I do a lot of the family laundry. For no good and defensible reason at all. I simply have not helped them adopt habits to do that. As another poster pointed out, if they do only their own laundry, then the loads are small and inefficient. But sometimes I will ask either of them to throw an entire load of combined laundry in, and they cheerfully do. (I am not particular about laundry!)
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The other two are homeschooled so no lunches to pack. But sometimes they clean bathrooms, throw in a load of towels, wash dishes, make lunch for everyone, etc. I will also ask them to make me a cup of tea, go grab me something out of another room, and so on. As long as they know how to do things, I not opposed to doing things for them. It's just part of being a family, imo.
Yah helping each other is certainly part of being a family. The kids do other contributory things that have nothing to do with just doing for THEMselves but for the family like cleaning the kitchen (12 and 15), taking the kitchen trash down to the barrels and the barrels down to the curb....
My eldest is also 6 so my kids aren't capable of a whole lot just yet. Basically at this point I make sure they clean up after themselves, put all their dirty clothes in the bin, bring dirty dishes to the sink, clean up the playroom, etc. Our kitchen cabinets were made for tall people so they can't really get their own cereal or anything like that yet without lugging a stepstool around the kitchen lol.
When I was a child, my mother did everything for me and let me concentrate on school work. As a result, I did very well in school and have a good job now. As an adult, I found it very easy to learn things like how to do laundry or wash dishes, or clean the kitchen, and I remember watching my mom doing it (she set a very good example) so I never had a problem with that. I have, however, had lots of problems trying to learn how to cook - it's a bit of an art form and without the early exposure I seem to be missing the knack. That's been hard. So as a parent I've asked my husband to teach our kids to cook starting early so they won't have the same problem. So we're going to try and do that lol.
The question comes up about the balance between doing FOR your kids (laundry, fetching their forgotten lunch to their school, making their lunches...) and requiring/expecting your kids to do for themselves. Obviously this is going to depend on age. Which way do you tend and why?
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
Not only does it depend on age but in some cases it depends on what makes sense in the larger context.
Could I have insisted my kids do their own laundry? Well sure, but it didn't make sense. Combining loads is less expensive, more efficient and environmentally friendly . Since some of those clothes are mine (and I'm picky about laundering) I preferred to do it myself. Both are adults now and perfectly capable of doing laundry.
They packed their own lunch after about 5th grade. Not to say I wouldn't occasionally do it if they were running late or if I was packing mine and it was convenient.
Forgotten assignments? I gave each one a once per semester "pass" where I would bring a fotgotten item. I rarely had to do it.
Laundry is a good example. My husband has done the family laundry since we were first married and we lived in a large apartment complex with a huge laundry room that could be a little scary late at night, & maybe unsafe for women doing the laundry by themselves. He continued doing the laundry after we moved into our own home. Hubby enjoyed doing the laundry and found it very relaxing. Did that mean that he was enabling me? Of course not. When our kids were older one of us taught them how to do the laundry and they would occasionally do an extra load if they needed something in a hurry, or if hubby asked them to do it because we were extra busy.
The key thing was that they knew how to do the laundry by themselves when they left home.
Regarding taking forgotten items to school. My husband and I left for work before or near the time that they left for school (depending on their ages)so they were out of luck. While it may have happened, I can not recall even one time in the their entire K-12 years that my husband or I needed to take something to school for either child. They packed their own school bags the night before (we checked them when they were little) so it was their responsibility to make sure that everything that they needed went with them.
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). Everyone knows how to do the chores, but I don't force the kids to always do every little thing for themselves just because they can or just to make a point.
