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I remember during a thanksgiving dinner years ago my aunt said she was very careful with over complimenting her kids on how beautiful or handsome they were. "I don't want my son to be one of those arrogant guys who can't take no for an answer because mommy told him he was the most handsome guy in the world all the damn time "
She was being tongue in cheek of course but what do you think of this in general? Do you think some parents over compliment their children on how they look? Does the gender of the child play a role?
For this thread we are focusing strictly on physical appearance. So academics is out
"I don't want my son to be one of those arrogant guys who can't take no for an answer because mommy told him he was the most handsome guy in the world all the damn time "
I don't see how telling a kid how cute he/she is leads to the inability to "take no for an answer"....
IMHO, there is a world of difference between occasionally telling a child that their hair looks especially nice that day or they coordinated their clothes well or things that that and going overboard and gushing multiple times a day how they are the cutest, most attractive, most beautiful, handsomest child in the school/on the block/among the relatives/etc.
I used to cry when I was a young teen because I was so homely and got mocked out in school all the time, and my mother would sigh and say, "I know, they made fun of me, too."
That didn't help, either, lol. I grew up and married a man who made fun of what I looked like, and I thought that was OK. I don't think it hurts to compliment a kid and tell them they look nice once in a while even if they are not the most beautiful, build some self-esteem. As germaine said, if you tell your kid they are superior in looks all the time, that's not such a good idea on the other end.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 06-24-2016 at 11:03 AM..
One of my friends was just telling me how she's making a concerted effort to make sure she compliments her kids on being smart or thoughtful or curious or hard-working or whatever, because she doesn't want her kids (her daughter, especially) to get the idea that looks are the only thing that matters. Which isn't to say that she doesn't ever tell them that they're cute.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 06-24-2016 at 03:03 PM..
I don't tell my kids how handsome or pretty they are, but I do compliment their appearance.
My daughter might hear:
"Your hair looks really pretty today."
"You've got a great smile."
"Your eyes look like a lovely shade of green in this light."
My son might hear:
"Your dimple drives me crazy - I love it."
"I like your new haircut - it makes you look grown up."
"Your teeth are so white - you are doing a great job brushing them every day!"
Of course, there are days when I do say, "[Child], you are really pretty/handsome, you know that?" because who DOESN'T like to hear that every once in a while?
As for other compliments (such as grades or awards), I compliment them on the WORK involved, "I'm so proud of you - I know you worked very hard to win that award/get that grade!"
I watched the movie Divergent, and loved it that in one scene when the mother (Ashley Judd) sees her daughter for the first time in a while, she says, "Look at you, how strong you are!"
Well, I'm pretty old but I still remember how good it made me feel to get compliments from parents and grandparents.
My kids heard plenty of them and now my grandkids are getting them. Seems pretty odd to me to not tell your kids how 'cute' or 'handsome' or 'smart' they are. It's good for self esteem and I think people with good self esteem are LESS likely to misbehave with the opposite sex.
I think it is about balance. I also think it is absolutely necessary to compliment a kid, even on their looks. I agree that the best thing to do is to give specific compliments (instead of "you are so cute") but I think its really hard not to look at your kid and be overwhelmed by how beautiful they are and blurt it out. As long as you keep balance in their lives and in your compliments, you will be fine.
Also, don't be creepy about compliments (like sexualizing them...)
My son doesn't like to be called cute at all because he thinks its an insult (he is very short for his age). But now he doesn't like handsome. After a year of being teased at school by peers, his self esteem is in the toilet and even telling him he is handsome is hard for him to hear. So I am giving specific compliments on his strengths and slipping in a few on his appearance (he is actually quite handsome, and it isn't just me who thinks so).
Honestly, I compliment my kids on their looks (and other stuff, of course) and I don't think it will have any detrimental effects. At the end of the day, as kids get older, they take their parent's compliments (with respect to appearances) with a grain of salt. The old "you're supposed to say that - you're my mom or dad" applies. However, I do think the opposite is true. I do think if you never compliment them on their looks, they could think my mom or dad think they are unattractive. Kind of like "I'm so ugly even my parents think it."
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