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Actually, I immediately corrected her. Right then and there.
Her comment was about how my son wasn't "anywhere near as bad as" "some of the kids in" their autism class. I corrected her, telling her that autism takes many forms and here was how my son was compromised being in class full-time with neurotypical kids (I listed his most basic issues).
She already knows what those issues are, or should, and I have absolutely no idea why she said such a thing. It shocked me, to be honest. She runs off at the gums but that was a new one and she's known my son forever.
However, even though what this friend said was seriously off and uncalled for, *I* didn't say it...*and* I corrected my friend firmly, in front of C...*and* I mentioned it (briefly, didn't want to make things more uncomfortable) in that text. I didn't make the off comment and certainly my son didn't...it wasn't our fault and it was ENTIRELY unexpected, I am sure C saw the shock on my face, I know my other friend did as she immediately backed off as I explained (calmly) what my son does deal with and how his class is great for him.
But whatever the case, I suppose you're all right. I guess I need to back my son off from wanting to see this child as it isn't going to happen. I just don't know how to explain it, considering the fact that I don't understand it myself. I mean I have no way of knowing what my other friend said was even the issue. What the poster above mentioned about the pill was interesting. I guess it could literally be anything but I can't do anything about it.
I feel so terrible for my son.
p.s. No need for the quotation marks, you are correct in the words you used above. The friend really is a friend and what she said was odd. Not a quote-on-quote friend and quote-on-quote odd. Just clarifying in case you weren't certain?
I am not dumping my friend permanently. That's a little extreme. What she said was pretty dumb but she didn't punch my kid in front of me or call me a racial slur or something, I mean geez. So...probably no, I won't be dumping the friend who can occasionally say something stupid but is there for me, in favor of the non-friend who dumps ME for something I didn't say or do. Makes sense, right? ETA: Oh...I see you also told someone else today to dump a friend. You see, some of us want to teach our children NOT to just dump people at just any simple thing, but rather, to establish relationships. In my son's case that's particularly important as he has social deficits to begin with and being social is more difficult for him. I really wanted this to be a better lesson than it is but my hands are pretty much tied. Hope this clarifies things a little.
Hmmm...I wonder if when "other friend" made the comment about "some of the other kids"
that maybe "C" thought it was a reference to her child?
"Autism moms" (I am one)can sometimes be "on the edge" alot & maybe it kind of pushed her off.
I'm not saying this is right but I know that sometimes, when everything is "wrong"; doing things "right" isn't always going to happen.
Hmmm...I wonder if when "other friend" made the comment about "some of the other kids"
that maybe "C" thought it was a reference to her child?
"Autism moms" (I am one)can sometimes be "on the edge" alot & maybe it kind of pushed her off.
I'm not saying this is right but I know that sometimes, when everything is "wrong"; doing things "right" isn't always going to happen.
I'm sure she might have, that was my first thought and why I corrected my other friend. And...I wasn't the one to say it. I know and agree that we can be on edge and I was really conscious of this. But we also have to be realistic, not everyone gets it. If I have to tiptoe around this woman or else tear any non special needs mom a new one in order to earn this woman's dubious friendship then I don't want it. If this is the case she needs to grow up. I'm starting to feel less sad and more angry about this. I didn't earn this. Someone suggested a group...I may look into that. To hell with this. I will find my son a reliable friend.
Have you called the mom? Maybe you need to have an actual conversation. If she's not interested, move on with your lives. Yes, your son is losing his friend because he's moving schools. It happens. Happens to everyone. Life goes on.
I am mot a mom, I am a dad. Dads handle things differently. If our kids get along, we get along. It takes a lot to interfere with that.
I am not convinced this has to be the end of this possible friendship. Sending a few texts here and there is not what it is going to take to resolve this. You need to call her and speak directly about this. Let her know how much it means that the children are friends. You already posted that it is hard to have friends and your child is super excited. She was excited about it too. Ask her straight out if there is a problem. Ask her if it can be corrected.
If it matters enough to ask on a public internet forum it should matter enough to confront the woman involved. We cannot save it, but you and her can. It just needs a little more effort.
Women don't operate like that. If OP calls the woman and the woman actually answers the phone (which is a big IF right there), when she asks what the problem is, the other mom will just say that she's been so busy, and that Junior is totally overwhelmed with his summer activities and he's been playing a lot with the new neighbor kid, there's no specific problem, just so much to do and so little time, etc. etc. etc. And then she will block OP's number so she never accidentally answers the phone again when she calls. And then she will tell other moms in their social circle that OP is clingy or needy or just doesn't "get it".
It would be nicer if we were all as direct and honest with each other as men, but when we do that, we get called pushy or rude or a B. We've all been taught all our lives to smile and say something polite, and if we can't say something nice, don't say it at all.
Women don't operate like that. If OP calls the woman and the woman actually answers the phone (which is a big IF right there), when she asks what the problem is, the other mom will just say that she's been so busy, and that Junior is totally overwhelmed with his summer activities and he's been playing a lot with the new neighbor kid, there's no specific problem, just so much to do and so little time, etc. etc. etc. And then she will block OP's number so she never accidentally answers the phone again when she calls. And then she will tell other moms in their social circle that OP is clingy or needy or just doesn't "get it".
It would be nicer if we were all as direct and honest with each other as men, but when we do that, we get called pushy or rude or a B. We've all been taught all our lives to smile and say something polite, and if we can't say something nice, don't say it at all.
Yes, yes and yes.
I just started a Meetup group. We'll see what happens!
Women don't operate like that. If OP calls the woman and the woman actually answers the phone (which is a big IF right there), when she asks what the problem is, the other mom will just say that she's been so busy, and that Junior is totally overwhelmed with his summer activities and he's been playing a lot with the new neighbor kid, there's no specific problem, just so much to do and so little time, etc. etc. etc. And then she will block OP's number so she never accidentally answers the phone again when she calls. And then she will tell other moms in their social circle that OP is clingy or needy or just doesn't "get it".
It would be nicer if we were all as direct and honest with each other as men, but when we do that, we get called pushy or rude or a B. We've all been taught all our lives to smile and say something polite, and if we can't say something nice, don't say it at all.
Pretty much. It's unfortunate, but a lot of women are conditioned to be indirect due to dumb double standards.
This is why I feel men do it right. The majority are usually direct, and say what's on their mind. It's how it should be, in my opinion. Settle it by saying what's on your mind, and resolve it if possible.
As far as kids, if the both of them get along well, then the parents should STAY OUT OF IT. Just because the Mom isn't getting along with the other for some trivial reason (in all likelihood), doesn't mean the kids should suffer for it.
I am mot a mom, I am a dad. Dads handle things differently. If our kids get along, we get along. It takes a lot to interfere with that.
I am not convinced this has to be the end of this possible friendship. Sending a few texts here and there is not what it is going to take to resolve this. You need to call her and speak directly about this. Let her know how much it means that the children are friends. You already posted that it is hard to have friends and your child is super excited. She was excited about it too. Ask her straight out if there is a problem. Ask her if it can be corrected.
If it matters enough to ask on a public internet forum it should matter enough to confront the woman involved. We cannot save it, but you and her can. It just needs a little more effort.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Have you called the mom? Maybe you need to have an actual conversation. If she's not interested, move on with your lives. Yes, your son is losing his friend because he's moving schools. It happens. Happens to everyone. Life goes on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
Women don't operate like that. If OP calls the woman and the woman actually answers the phone (which is a big IF right there), when she asks what the problem is, the other mom will just say that she's been so busy, and that Junior is totally overwhelmed with his summer activities and he's been playing a lot with the new neighbor kid, there's no specific problem, just so much to do and so little time, etc. etc. etc. And then she will block OP's number so she never accidentally answers the phone again when she calls. And then she will tell other moms in their social circle that OP is clingy or needy or just doesn't "get it".
It would be nicer if we were all as direct and honest with each other as men, but when we do that, we get called pushy or rude or a B. We've all been taught all our lives to smile and say something polite, and if we can't say something nice, don't say it at all.
OP - If this relationship is that important to your son, and it is obvious that it is not one-sided with the kids, then I would contact the mom somehow - preferably meeting in person so you can read her body language.
I would tactfully ask if I did anything to offend/upset her and can we talk about it and resolve it for the sake of the children.
It really has nothing to do with gender. I'm a woman and still feel a more direct approach is needed.
If it's that important - it is worth it to try to talk it out before giving up on it completely.
Additionally, there may be other reasons she seems to be avoiding you that have nothing to do with you. We do not always know what is going on in other people's lives.
TL/DR: My son's friend's mother avoids me but my son is begging to see this kid. What on earth do I do??
**
Hey, all!
So I have kind of an odd situation. Or maybe not...maybe this isn't unusual...I don't know...I haven't encountered it before.
My son is in a special needs class part-time (autism). He made one really special friend last year. This is RARE for us since, though my son is very social (autistic people can *want* to be social, they just don't always have the tools to do it in the "typical" way), the neurotypical kids don't seem to want to play with him much and the other autistic kids are, well, autistic. They're not really reaching out all that often.
So there's this one special friend. But the friend is moving to middle school whereas my son stays in this ASD class until he moves on to middle school next year.
This child's mom was on a social media group for our class and was very chatty on the group. I'm very chatty too so I felt comfortable asking her if we could get our kids together for a playdate over the summer. She was very enthusiastic and launched right in about how we could possibly make it a regular thing and all that.
So we got together at the park. We were talking when one of my other friends showed up. This friend is VERY outspoken and says some odd things about autism. I felt like she was drowning out this other woman I had invited (let's call her C). It was weird, it was like C just shut down after that. I kept trying to draw C back into the conversation, but she wasn't really having it.
So after that my son kept begging me for another playdate with his friend (J). I finally texted C and asked if she'd like to get together the following month. I figured that was a bit of time between playdates and not very pushy, but my son is SO sad to be losing J all of next year. He has been asking and asking.
C didn't respond for two weeks. (We all know what that means.) Then she finally texted saying oops, she never got my text. (Yeah, we all know what that means, too.) I sent her a quick text apologizing for my other friend barging in, just a lighthearted one saying next time it could be just us. She said it was no problem and we autism moms needed to lean on each other, blah blah and we should get together. So we tentatively made a date.
Well, you know what comes next, I'm sure. "Oops, TOTALLY forgot about this. Next week isn't good for me" and she asks for some date waaaaaaaaay out there in the future. I said, sure. She said she was marking her calendar. The date was for my house. My son was bouncing off the walls, excited.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand you know what comes after this. The NIGHT before, with my son overjoyed J was FINALLY coming over, I get a text, "Ohhhhhh, I toooooooootally forgot to text you! Oh blah blah! Oh there's been a bullchit emergency I just made up. Oh blah blah. Another time?"
Bite me, lady. My son about cried. My heart was totally torn out. WTF????? So I told her, sure. Then another mom asked us all to get together at some fun place and of course, C showed up to that. She kind of ignored me, then said a few words here and there. I pretty much was just smiley and polite but didn't really talk to her much. I feel like I'm forcing myself on her.
I don't think I'm a terrible person or anything. I was really nice to her. I was also really accommodating. If she doesn't like ME, okay, but she can't stand me for an hour so our kids can get together??? Cheeses H, I can't be THAT bad. I'm pretty cheerful with new people and I let them talk a lot and I suggest fun, easy, inexpensive things so how bad could it be??? And you know what? For the sake of our kids, we can bite the bullet for an hour every three or four months. I happen to know she has the same troubles and heartache at her son not having friends the way typical 10- or 11-year-olds do and that she wishes her son was with kids his age more...because she told me so. We're the grownups here (or we're supposed to be) and I have certainly sat with parents I wasn't absolutely in love with for the sake of my son having social interaction. Because...as I said...I'm a grownup. SMH.
Meanwhile my son is asking again when he can see J. What the hell can I do??? This woman obviously does not want to be within 10 feet of me or my son. And she refuses to drop J off at our house for the two to play, I already lightly asked her that I think about a month ago or so. (When she texted she needed to reschedule, her schedule was busy, etc. at that point I think I said "You know, if you ever have errands you could drop J off for an hour so the kids can play" or something easygoing like that. NOT pushy in the slightest and it was during that particular conversation. She said she'd rather "visit" with me. Um, YEAH, I can tell you're dying to hang out with me, lady, LOL. I'm very trustworthy, BTW, and well-known, and have been at that school with my children for 7 years now.) What can I do about this situation...should I gently tell my son to make a different friend or what? Should I gently tell him to just forget about this friend?
ETA: Oh, and it's not a case of the kid not liking my child and asking his mother to intervene...I thought of that. Any time we all show up at some group thing or other J runs straight for my son and pretty much monopolizes my son. They are constantly on the same page.
Help...I am so sad...this is such an odd situation..I don't know what to do.
You are known by the company you keep.
The moment this friend showed up and ran her mouth, you were done, not a snowballs chance in hell of forming a friendship. As you personally know, that mom is under a-lot of stress in her everyday life. Why in the world would she subject herself to more stress by the possibility of having to hear uniformed opinions about autism when hanging out with you? She doesn't like you, nor does she trust you. Let the kids play when they see each other in group situations, and move on.
She's obviously extremely sensitive. I think you tried too hard with too many follow-ups - or maybe your hindsight was just 20/20 but she WAS pretty classic in passively saying she really wasn't interested in pursuing the playdate.
In any future similar situations I'd certainly not tell your son that a playdate or other fun event was "imminent" because we all know how flaky people can be and it's disappointing enough for adults, much less kids. Better to not say anything until things look REALLY solid (though I'm guessing your son is also sensitive to changes in routine so that makes it a little more difficult). Maybe if such things can be scheduled over an already routine thing like going to the park and the only new thing is meeting an additional child/parent there?
I don't think your friend, and what she said, was necessarily the cause of what's going on. Most people wouldn't let that ruin their kids friendship. I mean, neither you or your son said anything. And they like to play together.
I would just say to the mom with the son, "Look I'll be quite honest with you, my son LOVE's playing with yours. See if there is an issue, and if there is, Is there anything I can do to make it work?"
It may turn out the other mom is just a flake.
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The friend really is a friend and what she said was odd. Not a quote-on-quote friend and quote-on-quote odd. 
I know and agree that we can be on edge and I was really conscious of this. But we also have to be realistic, not everyone gets it. If I have to tiptoe around this woman or else tear any non special needs mom a new one in order to earn this woman's dubious friendship then I don't want it. If this is the case she needs to grow up. I'm starting to feel less sad and more angry about this. I didn't earn this. Someone suggested a group...I may look into that. To hell with this. I will find my son a reliable friend.
