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Actually, I immediately corrected her. Right then and there.
I'm glad you said something, but I stand my ground as far as keeping the friendship.
I applaud you for your stance, however, mine is that toxic people don't belong in my life, and I chose to raise my kids to exit friendships that are not good for them.
Your friend saying something about Autism at all is like telling a handicapped joke to a disabled person. If the friend has been around you this long and still doesn't "get it", then likely it's because she simply doesn't care, and that is not a good person to have around.
You did read the part about how difficult it can be for these children to have lasting friendships? This does not have to be about her friends dumb comment, which I have serious doubts was even the reason for any of this. This is about the two children and to a lesser extent the mothers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
I'm glad you said something, but I stand my ground as far as keeping the friendship.
I applaud you for your stance, however, mine is that toxic people don't belong in my life, and I chose to raise my kids to exit friendships that are not good for them.
Your friend saying something about Autism at all is like telling a handicapped joke to a disabled person. If the friend has been around you this long and still doesn't "get it", then likely it's because she simply doesn't care, and that is not a good person to have around.
You did read the part about how difficult it can be for these children to have lasting friendships? This does not have to be about her friends dumb comment, which I have serious doubts was even the reason for any of this. This is about the two children and to a lesser extent the mothers.
Yes I did, and also the part where if this other mother is so sensitive (if that is the reason for the freeze out), that the OP doesn't have patience for it, and there's nothing wrong with that either.
And yes, I'm very well aware of how difficult it can be for autistic children to make friends. My grandson and my niece are both autistic.
That is why I chose such strong language regarding keeping friends that can't, or won't, be accepting of families with special needs children.
At this stage, it wouldn't matter to me whether this other mother is not responding to me because of my friend or not; if she can be so crass and uncouth that she would say something about autism in front of me & my autistic son, she simply doesn't care enough to have empathy for my situation, and I would choose to back away from that person.
I agree with the people suggesting you talk to the mother. A clear-the-air conversation might be a good thing, and frankly it can't make things WORSE. Approach from a position of humility and see where it goes. It is so hard for some autistic kids to make and keep friends, that it seems kind of awful to keep them apart.
And I'll just add this: I'm not autistic but I was definitely a very socially awkward kid. Every friendship I had was precious to me. My heart aches for both kids in this situation.
Why is this other woman your friend if she makes questionable statements about a condition that your son has? Even if you corrected her, I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. I expect that C is used to people making remarks and even though you put your friend in her place (did she apologize to C for making those remarks?), C decided to take a step back from this relationship right now.
You really need to ask yourself if your other friend is worth keeping.
On my best day I would never be this functional...I do admire you.
I make myself do it. I have to, for my kids.
If I had my way I'd be hiding in my bedroom with a book all day, every day. As a child I was VERY anti-social, afraid of other people. I'd literally cross the street to avoid having to say hello to someone. I was just that terrified of stumbling over my words, looking foolish, someone not liking me...the anxiety was pretty high.
It was horribly lonely.
Around middle school I decided I WAS going to learn to talk to the other kids, full stop. I just was. I started watching them (surreptitiously, or I hope it was surreptitious) to see how they really interacted with one another...how they sat, how they put their arms and legs, the comments they made, the expressions on their faces, when they laughed and when they didn't, all of it.
It took years but actually, after that very first "reaching out" point I did start making friends here and there. That part didn't take long but I never did really become "comfortable" in social situations. That has blown many a person's head because I'm the one in any givens social situation trying to make everyone else comfortable and happy, to make the lonely-looking people feel not so alone and so on.
I do the same thing for my kids, though they also have some better guidelines I ever had since they've been the ABA (well, TEACCH) route. It's always exhausting. It always takes a lot out of me. But I'm an adult. They're not. I put them on this earth. I'm responsible for helping them. It doesn't matter if I'M uncomfortable. But I suppose not every parent feels that way.
I have gotten some great advice here. I am not sure where I'll go from here with C. I feel like if she wanted to talk about the situation, she had her opener and she side-stepped it. That says a lot, to me. So too does her avoidance of even answering my texts, much less getting our children together. She seems to be one of those moms who doesn't look ahead to when her child might not have her around for company, and doesn't bother as much with nurturing his friendships. I'm the opposite. Let's be frank - I'm going to be dead someday and all other things being equal and barring something tragic (God forbid), my kids will be around 30-40 years MORE than I will, so at some point they won't have me for "friendship" whether I want to be there or not.
My Meetups group just got approved and who knows whether anything will come of it, but at least I'm trying! For now I think I'm going to give C her space. Talking might be logical but I am feeling VERY intrusive at this point and I absolutely hate that feeling. She is asking, in her passive way, for space. Regardless of what her son might want (and judging by how he jumps right to my son and monopolizes my son's time any time they've been together, he obviously wants the friendship), she's thinking of herself first. I can't change that and it's not my business to, and who knows what she's been through. The special needs journey is tough. I am going to leave her alone. It's her life and it's her son.
Yes I did, and also the part where if this other mother is so sensitive (if that is the reason for the freeze out), that the OP doesn't have patience for it, and there's nothing wrong with that either.
And yes, I'm very well aware of how difficult it can be for autistic children to make friends. My grandson and my niece are both autistic.
That is why I chose such strong language regarding keeping friends that can't, or won't, be accepting of families with special needs children.
At this stage, it wouldn't matter to me whether this other mother is not responding to me because of my friend or not; if she can be so crass and uncouth that she would say something about autism in front of me & my autistic son, she simply doesn't care enough to have empathy for my situation, and I would choose to back away from that person.
And I heard this advice already, and answered it. And I also saw that I was not the only person on C-D you advised to literally "dump" a friend. This advice and this suggested action are therefore apparently at least partially just down to your personality. I heard and acknowledged the advice, so thank you for taking the time to give it.
FTR: It's not that I "don't have patience for" the way C is acting. It is that I as a mother overcome my own discomfort to help my child. Just a clarification there. It actually has nothing to do with impatience and everything to do with my having had the experience of raising autistic children, and how I personally try, no matter how I'm feeling, to make their lives better, and to treat various things as lessons - socialization, yes, but also nurturing friendships rather than "dumping" willy-nilly. And this was, or should have been, about the two boys' friendship, not whether C is so in love with my every single movement and word and also my friends that she's ready to proclaim me her newest bestie or something.
It's obvious how you feel about this situation and it's also obvious that two other things - your personality, and your personal experiences with autism - come into play and I have heard you, and appreciate that you have now said this several times. I hope you understand that I have heard you as I have now answered you directly on the subject several times. Once again, thank you for taking the time.
And I also saw that I was not the only person on C-D you advised to literally "dump" a friend.
Perhaps if you had read that thread instead of just the advice, you would have seen that the OP had asked what he should do about a friend who still lives in LA and is threatening to dump HIM if he doesn't move back to LA, when he loves his new home in Seattle. That's not what a friend is.
Perhaps if you had read that thread instead of just the advice, you would have seen that the OP had asked what he should do about a friend who still lives in LA and is threatening to dump HIM if he doesn't move back to LA, when he loves his new home in Seattle. That's not what a friend is.
But okey dokey
I realize that, but just as a person is "known by the company she keeps," so too is a person know for what she's drawn to, including threads about friends to jump on.
You don't seem to really want to let this go. Have you considered that sometimes, our answers say more about us than the next person? (And I'm not leaving myself out of that, BTW.) Just an interesting thought.
**
Now here's a punchline. C and I are FB friends. (She approached me, actually, come to think of it. Some of the class moms were approaching other moms after a page was set up for our class.) I had put on my own page - not the class one - about my Meetup group. And guess who my first Meetup joiner is? Yup, C.
Maybe she's just...odd. A lot of us autism parents are, frankly. I am just not touching this thing anymore. My concern was for my son anyway. And I am working on him not being lonely, and that's all I really need to do.
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