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OP, look at it this way, if you and hubby could just sit around all day doing nothing, having someone do the cooking and all of the chores and you have free rent and utilities, wouldn't the two of you want to do that, too? Heck, I think most people would do that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Of course, from the description of their daughter, I really doubt that she is the type that would stick around once she has to do the actual work of caregiving.
There has been thread after thread on the caregiver forum where the coddled, spoiled, enabled child leaves as soon as they are actually needed by their elderly parents. These threads are sometimes written by the disappointed & heart broken parents, but usually by the responsible sibling that needs to step up financially, emotionally and in every other way after the dead beat sibling has "bleed their parent" dry and then disappears at the first sign that the parent might need them.
Conclusion:
Make it a condition of her staying with you that she is now the cook and the maid. You can try to be sneaky about it and just keep giving her chores to do until she's had enough.
I personally identify with not fairing well with authority. So thru career counseling... I got a job that allows me limited exposure to authority so I can actually produce the work required. Rather a win win when authority isn't cracking the whip and I get to be paid for the tasks. Maybe your daughter has the skills and needs a job that is more in tune to self sufficient duties.
I respect business methods ...I do not respect someone simply because of a title behind the name. Just as I have to gain trust and regard...so do they. It's a two way street in the adult world.
So far it's what creates amicable work environment. Mutual regard.
That's what unemployment is for. If you quit, you probably won't get it, and if you are fired for "some" causes, yes, your employer can contest it. But people get fired every single day, and are absolutely entitled to unemployment.
So correct. If you can't collect unemployment if fired, then what is unemployment for?
No, she has been fired several other times. She got fired from 3 as a teen for example, usually not wanting to do what is asked of her or complaining about her co workers.
You don't get unemployment if you are fired.
Here you get unemployment if you are fired. You don't get it if you quit.
I see, you say that she has been fired much more than a couple times. When she was younger, you mentioned having gotten her therapy...was it for Oppositional Defiant diagnosis? Or any other diagnosis?
You might explore what programs are available to her regarding any diagnosis, perhaps anger management. And any regarding her low income status, perhaps job training employment opportunities.
I am not one that will encourage you to throw her out. At least she has tried to work, and likely needs some anger related counseling and coping skills. Until she just lays around the house not doing anything to help herself I would be supportive. If there are housing programs that she can qualify for, perhaps have her check on these as well. Good luck to you.
Boundaries are what we set to control our own behaviors, not other people.
Instead of you will/will not, or else, it's I will /will not.
For example:
It's not "you will look for a job X hours a day". It's "I will not support anyone who is not working and contributing for more than X" . Your daughter is free to do or not, as she pleases and realize the consequences.
Don't listen to other people's advice and cut her off out of nowhere or ride her too hard. That could be catastrophic. You likely contributed to this behavior for 31 years so you will have to set some rules, communicate, get her commitment and start working on a plan.
Obviously you need to figure out how to keep her sustainably employed. Then you have to work on small successes and building her up into a stand alone person knowing she no longer has a safety net. Might take a year or two. Better than another 31.
Not obvious to me.
Daughter is 31 years old. She alone is responsible for figuring out how to remain employed and responsible for her choices.
I wonder how many people really have kicked their adult children out of the house when their child hit a bump (even if life tends to be more bumpy for them then usual)?
I am not sure living withy you is a problem if all the people are happy with he situation. But all adult members contribute to the household, so that is where I would focus.
Your daughter might never "grow up". There are brain and psychological conditions that make that next to impossible. Does she have one? I don't know. I think you can accept her for who she is while not being sucked down into worry and despair.
Only thing any of us really control is our own reaction.
Some rely on a secularized mantra repeated hundreds of times a day, if necessary, adapted from the Lord's Prayer. It is a common invocation of 12 step programs , definitely not limited to alcohol or substance abuse. It is particularly helpful for people prone to co-dependent tendencies:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Here you get unemployment if you are fired. You don't get it if you quit.
I see, you say that she has been fired much more than a couple times. When she was younger, you mentioned having gotten her therapy...was it for Oppositional Defiant diagnosis? Or any other diagnosis?
You might explore what programs are available to her regarding any diagnosis, perhaps anger management. And any regarding her low income status, perhaps job training employment opportunities.
I am not one that will encourage you to throw her out. At least she has tried to work, and likely needs some anger related counseling and coping skills. Until she just lays around the house not doing anything to help herself I would be supportive. If there are housing programs that she can qualify for, perhaps have her check on these as well. Good luck to you.
Isn't ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) more of a pre-teenage malady?
Assuming it is even real [rather than just another diagnosis to put kids on meds or just a rebellious defiant kid], it should be over by now with a 31 year old woman.
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