Under what circumstances would you disinherit a grown child? (diabetes, weight, children)

[Katarina Witt]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

For the sake of this conversation let's define grown as over the age of 27.

A friend is considering disinheriting her 33 year old daughter and she has every reason to do so but we started talking about what others would do.

A will is simply a legal instrument to distribute a person's possessions and wealth- It is not a declaration of love and I think many people get the two confused.

I would disinherit a grown child if

1) they had a gambling problem or addiction problem like drugs or alcohol and refused to seek or accept help
2) if I was reasonably sure he would give the money away to a cult or fringe group
3) if this child had demonstrated an inability to manage her finances or life in general
4) if this child had demonstrated or even said she did not want to be a part of the family anymore
5) if a child was already wealthy and other children needed inheritance more
6) if he was convicted of a crime and would be spending the rest of his life in prison
7) if a grandchild or sibling had catastrophic medical needs and bills

I know inheritances can be set up in trusts to dole it out piece meal over the life of the child. I think that would be better than a huge windfall at say 30 years old. It is also possible to change a will with a codicil or completely rewrite a will if circumstances really changed.

I do not believe in ruling from the grave but I also don't believe a person has an obligation to leave their wealth to anybody in particular.

Do you agree or not?

This is quite a long list. We've left half to each "child"; they will get this regardless of their wealth or criminal status (negative for both currently). The only one I'd consider is #6. As for #7, catastrophic needs and bills are usually dealt with by insurance and public assistance. I could see bequeathing some money to that person, but I'd still divvy up the rest equally for the others.

Originally Posted by Pfalz

By the time I'm 65, my youngest child will be 37. At that point, I think they will either be successful or not and there's nothing a monetary inheritance can do to change it. God willing, I'd like to leave everything to my grandkids so that they can invest in their futures.

I really like how my grandmother is splitting her non-monetary possession. She brought in each of her four kids at the same time and had a "draft". Each kid got a turn picking something until there was nothing left that anyone valued. It also helped my grandmother get rid of things that she knew no one valued and tell the story of things that were valuable but unknown to her kids.

And they'll have kids to put through college in short order. I appreciated that we inherited my mom's estate (split with my brother, of course) when our kids were teens and soon to enter college.

Originally Posted by dblackga

Not "disinherited" -- it sounds like your parents have been generous in times that it made a difference, i.e., your education, and, importantly, your children's education -- what a wonderful gift!

My dad always worried that he wasn't going to be leaving his family a big, fat estate. I told him, with all sincerity, that I couldn't care less if I got a penny from him. He worked so very hard for all he had, and had built up a nice couple of businesses that he sold and paid for his retirement. I was so sad that his health didn't allow him to enjoy the fruits of his years of labor -- I would have much rather had him spend every single cent on himself and my mother traveling, having fun, relaxing, and enjoying life rather than hooked up for 10 years to a dialysis machine. :-( Ah, well. When he died, there was enough left for my mother to live very comfortably. By the time my mother is done, I don't expect anything. And that's ok -- the important things got taken care of.

I suspect that your parent's kids may not be "rich off of them", but you probably have all the tools and drive you need to be comfortable on your own. And there are several acquaintances I know for whom inheriting family money ended up causing no end of grief in the form of entitled children, overspending and, in a couple of cases, bankruptcy from ill-advised investments and just ****-poor money management. Your parents may be doing you a favor. :-)

My MIL was the same way, and I responded the same. Now it looks like it may all be gone before she dies, as she had to go to a nursing home this spring at the age of 97. I do not resent for one minute the trips the inlaws took in their camper, the winters they spent in Arizona to get away from the Nebraska cold, etc. I do have one SIL who is constantly worried about her hubby's share of the "inheritance". I once told the whole lot of them that the love of money is the root of all evil.

[hunterseat]

If I became a confused old recluse who ranted about imaginary stuff and frequently went irate for no reason. At least that seemed to be my mother's reason.

[cheapdad00]

The best gift a parent can give their child is being able to afford care for themselves in their final years. With extended nursing home stays becoming more prevalent, children not living as close to their parents as before to give in person care, having thenough ability to pay for one's own final care is the best gift an aging parent can give.

[cheapdad00]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

The only way that I could see keeping a record of who gets which possession is if the list looks like this.
Diamond Cocktail Ring- $200,000- Daughter Jenny
Picasso- $2,000,000 - Son John
BMW - $60,000 - Son Ben
nothing- $0 -Daughter Cindy

If one child gets the Picasso and other child nothing than it would only be fair to divide up the money and subtract the value of the high ticket items.

Now, if the list looked like this.
Grandma's cookie jar- $10 - Daughter Jenny
Old rug- $5-Son John
Bunch of old books- $20- Son Ben
nothing- $0 -Daughter Cindy

Or even, this (unless your entire estate was worth $1,600). It is ridiculous to keep a list like that.
Antique cookie jar- $100 - Daughter Jenny
Fancy rug- $500-Son John
Signed First edition- $1,000- Son Ben
nothing- $0 -Daughter Cindy

Even worse, it's like scenario 2, but with an inflated idea of what the value of the item is. 2 "antique" upholstered rocker recliner chairs which we spent $1000 having reupholstered in some "old country" style. We think they are each worth $2k. The reality is the frames are about falling apart and one would be fortunate to sell for $100 each, especially since the only people who want that style furniture already have it or are downsizing.

[SammyHagarrr]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

For the sake of this conversation let's define grown as over the age of 27.

A friend is considering disinheriting her 33 year old daughter and she has every reason to do so but we started talking about what others would do.

A will is simply a legal instrument to distribute a person's possessions and wealth- It is not a declaration of love and I think many people get the two confused.

I would disinherit a grown child if

1) they had a gambling problem or addiction problem like drugs or alcohol and refused to seek or accept help
2) if I was reasonably sure he would give the money away to a cult or fringe group
3) if this child had demonstrated an inability to manage her finances or life in general
4) if this child had demonstrated or even said she did not want to be a part of the family anymore
5) if a child was already wealthy and other children needed inheritance more
6) if he was convicted of a crime and would be spending the rest of his life in prison
7) if a grandchild or sibling had catastrophic medical needs and bills

I know inheritances can be set up in trusts to dole it out piece meal over the life of the child. I think that would be better than a huge windfall at say 30 years old. It is also possible to change a will with a codicil or completely rewrite a will if circumstances really changed.

I do not believe in ruling from the grave but I also don't believe a person has an obligation to leave their wealth to anybody in particular.

Do you agree or not?

It is not our responsibility to worry about what adult children spend it on, none of our business. Short of murder, of course I would provide for my adult child as best I can. I am their parent! Just because an adult child doesn't do the right thing doesn't mean I wont.
There are also special needs living trusts if you want the money to be slowly dispersed in smaller payments each month.

[no kudzu]

Originally Posted by cheapdad00

The best gift a parent can give their child is being able to afford care for themselves in their final years. With extended nursing home stays becoming more prevalent, children not living as close to their parents as before to give in person care, having thenough ability to pay for one's own final care is the best gift an aging parent can give.

Exactly what my mother always told me when, as a teenager, i moaned about my friends going to fancy Ivy League colleges or trips to Europe, etc. getting cars, living in bigger houses. She and my father lived through the depression and it left indelible mark on them and their lifestyle. My father died when he was 58 and left my mother very comfortable. She lived till she was 86 and, while she lived with me and my family for 10 years before going to assisted living, she always had the means to pay her own way. And now I am managing my inheritance in such a way neither my husband nor I will ever be a financial burden on our kids and we will be able to pass some on to them and our grandchildren. With proper management what my parents and my husband and I worked so hard to acquire and properly manage will be passed on to several generations down the line.

[no kudzu]

Originally Posted by SammyHagarrr

It is not our responsibility to worry about what adult children spend it on, none of our business. Short of murder, of course I would provide for my adult child as best I can. I am their parent! Just because an adult child doesn't do the right thing doesn't mean I wont.
There are also special needs living trusts if you want the money to be slowly dispersed in smaller payments each month.

I disagree. It would be irresponsible to leave money to a "child" who has demonstrated he would spend it on the ponies or in the casinos or up his nose. It is my business to make every effort to make sure proper steps are taken to provide for the educations of grandchildren if I can. The right thing is whatever a parent decides is right. Nobody is automatically entitled to an inheritance. If I want to leave it to my local animal shelter it is mine to disperse as I see fit.

[SammyHagarrr]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

I disagree. It would be irresponsible to leave money to a "child" who has demonstrated he would spend it on the ponies or in the casinos or up his nose. It is my business to make every effort to make sure proper steps are taken to provide for the educations of grandchildren if I can. The right thing is whatever a parent decides is right. Nobody is automatically entitled to an inheritance. If I want to leave it to my local animal shelter it is mine to disperse as I see fit.

Yes, as a loving parent they are automatically entitled to an inheritance. Even the most evil parents leave an inheritance to their children. I agree that providing for your grandchildren is also a good idea, at least giving a little to them.

You need to do the right thing even if you strongly feel they will not. Again, a special needs living trust is a way to do that if you feel the child may use the money to hurt themselves. You can have the asurrance their basic needs are provided for and nothing beyond that. But rotten parents often have every excuse not to even provide for their childrens basic needs, especially those which are horrible with money. No matter the reason

It doesn't surprise me that people who feel this way often have children who are having troubles. Just look at the parents they had

[virgode]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

I disagree. It would be irresponsible to leave money to a "child" who has demonstrated he would spend it on the ponies or in the casinos or up his nose. It is my business to make every effort to make sure proper steps are taken to provide for the educations of grandchildren if I can. The right thing is whatever a parent decides is right. Nobody is automatically entitled to an inheritance. If I want to leave it to my local animal shelter it is mine to disperse as I see fit.

Yes you do. Why pose the question asking do you agree, is it for reassurance? Did someone question your decision? Just wondering.

[Natsku]

I couldn't disinherit my child even if I wanted to. The law is very strict in Finland - all your children must get an equal share which together equals at least 50% of your inheritance.