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"Full time traveler? Maybe?"
(set 18 days ago)
76 posts, read 91,423 times
Reputation: 53
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We have 4 kids 15,16,17, and 24 life is super busy!! So, our oldest didn't follow the stereotypical (or not so stereotypical) template of college, meet a boy, engage, graduate, job, married.
She did, college, drop out, etc etc etc etc etc has turned her life around magnificently since 20yrs old and has been living with her BF for 3.5 years now. Neither graduated college, no kids, but they want to get married!!!
We are excited (in theory), but the facts are with a soph, junior, and senior in highschool college apps, where are they going to school, cars, insurance (they are helping), just expensive teenagers there is no WEDDING FUND.
No one in her immediate family has ever done the "medium/big" wedding thing before. It has always been the Justice of the Peace or small Church wedding and backyard reception. She is okay with this sort of, but her future hubby is use to the BIG SHOW. He is the baby boy and his sisters all had the Destination wedding or 400 person reception hall wedding and that is what he wants too. So, he can show everyone he is not a screw up. He comes from a huge family while our daughters family there might be 25 of us immediate including kids. My daughter is okay with in the middle maybe "150-200" people.
Future Husband has made the comment "Your parents can afford it!" which rubs me the wrong way and
NO, I don't like him very much, spoiled do much of nothing 28yr old imo, but that is a story for another day.
We (as a family) went on a epic vacation over the summer to Europe for almost 3 weeks that we just got done paying that off and brought our oldest along paid her way(she wasn't expecting that). Which may be why he says that.
The fact of the matter is with the siblings where they are in life, my wife is already going to France with her Dad, Daughter starting college in Aug, the money is all allotted for this year.
I could give a $1000 and that is about it. If they said we want to get married in 2 or 3 years and wanted the bigger wedding and gave me time to save then maybe that could happen. I can't just make the money appear and I'm not putting it on a card! There is enough stress and uncertainty with the 15, 16, 17 year old and college costs.
Please advise the couple in question is 24 and 28.
IMHO, as a 64 year old woman, mother and grandmother, if you are old enough to get married you are old enough to pay for your own wedding.
When hubby and I were married 40 years ago we were poor graduate students and we paid for a wedding that we could afford. It was beautiful, 80 of our closest friends and relatives, with a 1 PM ceremony with a one hour reception with free beer then a light mid-afternoon lunch of sandwiches, potato salad, wedding cake & coffee. Wedding at 1 PM and everything over by 4:30 or 5 PM. Yes, that is it.
We dated off and on for eight years and were engaged for a year. We scrimped and saved but paid cash for the wedding that we could afford.
Would we have loved to invite more people? Heck, yes.
Would we have loved to have a lengthy reception with snacks? Heck, yes.
Would we have loved to have a real sit down dinner? Heck, yes.
Would we have loved to have an open bar? Heck, yes.
Would we have loved to have a band & dancing? Heck, yes.
Would we have loved to spend more than $200 on my wedding dress? Heck, yes.
Would we have loved for me to go to the beauty salon to get my hair & nails & make-up done for the wedding? Heck, yes.
Would we have loved to go on a honeymoon? Heck, yes.
But, we couldn't afford those things, so we chose to be very, very happy with what we could afford. And, we were, and are, very happy with our wedding. After all, a wedding is just one day and it is the many years of the marriage that really counts.
BTW, we had two friends get married in fancy, fancy weddings that same summer, paid in full by the bride's parents. Both couples have already been divorced for 30 years while hubby and I are still "going strong".
Now, if the parents want to, and can afford to, give money to their adult children for a wedding or honeymoon that is OK but I will repeat IMHO, if you are old enough to get married you are old enough to pay for your own wedding.
If your daughter's boyfriend wants to prove to his family that he is not a screw-up than he should pay for the wedding. How is conning his future wife's family into paying for a wedding that they can't afford going to prove that he is not a screw-up? Or, maybe he should ask his parents to pay for the entire wedding, or least pro-rate the costs if they have so many, many more relatives that they want to invite?
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-11-2016 at 10:15 AM..
Tell your daughter exactly how much you can afford at this time. Let her work it out with her fiance. There's really no reason for you to do any more than that.
Tell your daughter exactly how much you can afford at this time. Let her work it out with her fiance. There's really no reason for you to do any more than that.
As someone who has been happily married for many years, I can honestly say that while I think marriage is wonderful, I think weddings are a huge waste of money.
I had graduated from college and been working/living on my own for years before I got married (my husband and I only started living together after we were engaged). He had also graduated and been working/living on his own for years. Never in my wildest dreams would I even had thought about asking my parents to pay for a wedding - no more than I would have asked them to pay my rent. I was an adult. If I wanted something, be it a new car or a big wedding, I saw it as my responsibility to pay for it.
We ended up going to the Caribbean and getting married, just the two of us - didn't take anyone with us. When we got back, we had a big party with about 150 people at a local venue, but it was very informal, and we paid for it ourselves. But we did have a full dinner and bar, etc. We also paid for the trip to the Caribbean.
You are under no obligation to give her anything. Offer to give her X number of dollars as a gift for her to use however she would like.
No one in her immediate family has ever done the "medium/big" wedding thing before. It has always been the Justice of the Peace or small Church wedding and backyard reception. She is okay with this sort of, but her future hubby is use to the BIG SHOW.
Future Husband has made the comment "Your parents can afford it!" which rubs me the wrong way
The fact of the matter is with the siblings where they are in life, my wife is already going to France with her Dad, Daughter starting college in Aug, the money is all allotted for this year.
I could give a $1000 and that is about it. If they said we want to get married in 2 or 3 years and wanted the bigger wedding and gave me time to save then maybe that could happen. I can't just make the money appear and I'm not putting it on a card! There is enough stress and uncertainty with the 15, 16, 17 year old and college costs.
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The groom-to-be sounds DOES sound like a spoiled, entitled brat!
Anyway, your money is YOUR money and you can and SHOULD do with it as you please. Whether you can afford to do a big wedding or not, the point is that the groom-to-be does not now or EVER have the right to dictate how your money is spent.
Don't put yourself in debt over some comments he made about your finances. As you said, you can help but only up to a certain point. So do that and if the bride & ungrateful groom want more, don't you give in by going into debt for them!
If necessary, look them in the eye and firmly say that is all you can afford at this time. And if the groom still complains, that's NOT your problem.
You sit the future son-in-law down, and inform him that you are in the best position to decide if you have the money for the kind of blow-out he wants, or whether it would be better spent on your other children.
And then you tell him, if you want a wedding - you and your family pay for it. His remark about your ability to pay was uncalled for and arrogant, the jerk needs his ears pinned back....and no, you do not throw money their way to appease your daughter if it comes to that.
I could give a $1000 and that is about it. If they said we want to get married in 2 or 3 years and wanted the bigger wedding and gave me time to save then maybe that could happen. I can't just make the money appear and I'm not putting it on a card! There is enough stress and uncertainty with the 15, 16, 17 year old and college costs.
Please advise the couple in question is 24 and 28.
Perhaps you and your wife should just sit down and go over your budget and your short & long range financial plans.
Then be honest with your daughter. "If you are getting married in the next year we will be able to give you a wedding gift of $1,000 to use however you want to use it. If you get married in two or three years, we may be able to afford a little more, perhaps (name a reasonable, realistic figure) $4,000."
You mention that neither of them are college graduates, that can be OK if they have good jobs where they don't need degrees. Is that the case, and they both have good jobs? Perhaps, you should be encouraging them to go back to school before they tie themselves down by getting married. Then with good jobs, they can pay for whatever wedding they desire.
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