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DH and I got married in our late 20s after graduating from college and holding down good jobs for many years. We paid for our wedding. We built a budget, saved for it and paid for it. Unexpectedly, given that we both come from large families, we had quite a few people chip in $1000 here and a $1000 there and we really appreciated it but didn't ask anyone for help.
I don't even understand why you are wasting time thinking about this. Sit both of them and tell them to their face that you are happy to contribute $1000 to their wedding if they get married this year and x amount if in 2 years and y amount if in 3 years. What his parents did for his sisters is quite immaterial.
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
Perhaps you and your wife should just sit down and go over your budget and your short & long range financial plans.
Then be honest with your daughter. "If you are getting married in the next year we will be able to give you a wedding gift of $1,000 to use however you want to use it. If you get married in two or three years, we may be able to afford a little more, perhaps (name a reasonable, realistic figure) $4,000."
You mention that neither of them are college graduates, that can be OK if they have good jobs where they don't need degrees. Is that the case, and they both have good jobs? Perhaps, you should be encouraging them to go back to school before they tie themselves down by getting married. Then with good jobs, they can pay for whatever wedding they desire.
Ive tried the go back to school bit even offterred to pay for some of it.......to no avail many arguments over that.
In the south $100 a head with venue priced in can be super nice, so 20k for 200 40k for 400 is the general rule of thumb.
I think once a couple shacks up, they're on their own for a wedding. Once a daughter is emancipated the whole 'giving the daughter in marriage' thing changes. You and DH can come up with an amount of $$ that you are comfortable with, and offer it to them to help with the wedding, or as a wedding gift. If they have any brains, they'll take the gift and go to city hall. Maybe this is $500. or maybe it is $5000. Beyond that, do not succumb to pressure. You need to think of the big picture and the younger kids education.
Last edited by gentlearts; 12-11-2016 at 12:31 PM..
I think you just be straight forward about what you are wiling/able to pay from the get go. No extra time to save up more for them...this is how much you have (1k is plenty IMO).
I was 23 when I got married and I didn't expect my parents or my husband's parents to pay for any of it. We were out on our own, worked and lived together. The "giving away the bride" ship had sailed. We had the wedding we could afford (small, in our home, did our own flowers, catering, etc).
I feel like the bride's parents paying for the whole thing (essentially) is archaic. I think its nice if the parents on both sides "pitch in" but the bulk of the wedding should be paid for by the couple...then maybe weddings will become more about the couple and less about the show.
Assuming that you paid for what schooling she does have, I think you have done your part. They can get married at a justice of the peace and then hold a party later on if they want, but to expect you to pay for an expensive wedding, is just being spoiled and entitled. You don't owe them that. Ever. If you want to pitch in, thats fine, but they want a wedding, they can plan for it and pay for it.
Ive tried the go back to school bit even offterred to pay for some of it.......to no avail many arguments over that.
In the south $100 a head with venue priced in can be super nice, so 20k for 200 40k for 400 is the general rule of thumb.
Wow, what a difference in wedding costs in different cities. I am not even in a high cost of living area and the most expensive, really, really fancy, venues in the city cost $50,000 just to "rent the facility" and all food costs, chair & table rental costs, liquor costs, bartender costs, etc. etc. are in addition to that fee.
Of course, you can find many cheaper places, with the venue cost included in the price, but even at those places, I'm guessing, you probably would be spending $100,000 plus for a wedding with 400 guests.
As an example, I attended a wedding for about 100 people, 15 years ago, at a run-of-the-mill Holiday Inn type banquet hall. The mother of the bride confided to me that the wedding cost over $50,000. Sure, it was a nice wedding, but IMHO, certainly not worth $50,000. Maybe it was the open bar that cost so much or maybe the bride's wedding dress & accessories cost a lot or maybe it was the DJ that was expensive or maybe all the "extras" added really up (Mom said that it cost something like an extra $200 to have the waiters & waitresses wear white gloves when they served the meal). But, the good news is that the couple is still married and appear to be very happy.
No matter what the cost in your city, just tell your daughter how much you can afford to give her as a wedding gift and end the negotiations & pressure.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-11-2016 at 02:32 PM..
Statistics show cheaper wedding longer marriage. It's what you can afford, we had the fireman's hall for free, wife's mom cooked a ham for sandwiches, my dad bought a 1/2 barrel of beer, brought our stereo and played music on it. We have been married 43 years. It's not about the money!
Your future son in law feels he can dictate how others (you) spend their money! Honestly, imo, when a couple live together, they assume adult responsibilities, and to me that includes paying for their own wedding. It’s nice if you want to contribute whatever amount you are comfortable with, but you shouldn’t feel any obligation to spend money you don’t have (or money that you do have).
Yup. Amazing how much planning goes Into the wedding, right down to the flavor of cake icing and cutlery, how little goes into the actual marriage afterward.
Oh well, divorce courts need people to keep them in business I suppose. And I'm pretty sure they won't ever have to worry about having a lack of cases available to adjudicate
22 years ago, our only daughter got married at church, and had a reception at a nice country club, with a sit down dinner, open bar and hors d'ouvres for an hour, and wine or beer thereafter. We told her our budget was $5000. We had 150 people and only went over by $400.
Sure, that was a long time ago, but the point is we arrived at a balance between being good hosts and our budget. It can still be done.
Now, with the same $5000. we might be in a barn with a pig on a spit, or some food trucks, and a bluegrass band, but the most important thing is including the people who care about the couple and making sure everyone has enough to eat and a good time.
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many arguments over that.
