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I don't know why the son would return home. This is not a situation where the family wished him well and reminded him that he always has a home to return to in the US. This is a mother who thought that her 28 year old son didn't have ' the guts or ability to go through all the trouble to leave the US'. If he ever returned home, she would probably tell him that she knew that he couldn't make it out there in the world without her guidance.
Yes, it is hard for parents to watch their children leave home and stray from the paths that the parents had planned for them. But parents have to realize that their dreams for their children aren't necessarily their children's dreams for themselves. Once a child reaches adult hood, it's time for them to pursue their own dreams- let him do that. It's true that posters often leave out things when they write about their situation, but unless the OP's son has joined a cult, is on drugs or is on the run from the law, why is it embarrassing to say that he is spending some time abroad? Why this feeling of failure as a parent when he really isn't doing anything wrong? I have the feeling he is violating some cultural norm in the OP's community and that is why she feels like she does.
Well I was just smothering here ( several reasons) and when I went to Europe I didn't come back for 4 years. Life was easier and I had more freedom . I think I slept for the first 3 months after I made the move from tourist to resident. If my Dutch husband hadn't insisted we come here so he could see the US, we would still be there . Probably not Holland but def in the EEU .
Your son is old enough to live life on his own terms . Let him fly , he will come back even if just to visit if you just let him be or if he DOESN'T come back you still want to be able to communicate . Stay supportive .
Last edited by DutchessCottonPuff; 01-04-2017 at 02:13 PM..
My oldest son who is 28 just left USA after spending the holiday here. I can't even began to say how heartbroken I am.
When my son was 24, he went to Europe for a month. As soon as he got back, he broken up with his long time girlfriend with very weak explanation. This was rough for us as we considers this girl to be a perfect fit for him. She was a dedicated Christian and pretty much keep my son from wandering away from the belief. They also were looking to buying a house and getting engaged right before my son left for Europe.
Not long after that, he started to spend more and more time oversea. At first, we assumed he was just going through a phase and would eventually stay here. Especially with how many different countries he have been going to and returning to only few more than once.
Also we didn't think he'd have the guts, ability or desire to go through all trouble to move for good.
Last Christmas, he chose to spend it in Ukraine with a Belgian girl he met few weeks earlier instead of coming here. It was hard! But I made him promise to come for this year.
Last month, out of blue, he announced he's getting rid of everything and leaving USA for good and splitting time between two different countries.
He came to spend two weeks with us before he leave. It wasn't pretty. He brushed off every concern the family had, turned down every kind of offer to stay or made ridiculous stipulate, wasn't very friendly or socializin with anyone but his two sisters. I caught myself having to tiptoeing around him a lot because there was so much I want to scream into his face about how he threw everything away and how much I'm worried about him and all that. But I don't want to strain the relationship.
He barely talk to anybody else now. In fact when the family were here to say bye, everybody could tell he wasn't thrilled and wanted to get away.
It was incredibly painful and hard to watch him getting onto the airplane to leave.
I felt like I had failed as a parent and that his relationship with the family had been badly strained to the point where it just cannot be normal again anymore. It also is hard and embarrassing to tell others about this situation.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to somebody who had a child who moved out of the country or is quite distant from most of the family.
Your son is no child. He cut the apron strings. Face it. There is nothing wrong with him.
I don't know why the son would return home. This is not a situation where the family wished him well and reminded him that he always has a home to return to in the US. This is a mother who thought that her 28 year old son didn't have ' the guts or ability to go through all the trouble to leave the US'. If he ever returned home, she would probably tell him that she knew that he couldn't make it out there in the world without her guidance.
Yes, it is hard for parents to watch their children leave home and stray from the paths that the parents had planned for them. But parents have to realize that their dreams for their children aren't necessarily their children's dreams for themselves. Once a child reaches adult hood, it's time for them to pursue their own dreams- let him do that. It's true that posters often leave out things when they write about their situation, but unless the OP's son has joined a cult, is on drugs or is on the run from the law, why is it embarrassing to say that he is spending some time abroad? Why this feeling of failure as a parent when he really isn't doing anything wrong? I have the feeling he is violating some cultural norm in the OP's community and that is why she feels like she does.
i very much agree with the last sentence; that it is frowned upon in OP's community, hence the embarassment for her as a parent. Saying this gently as a mom to a fellow mom, you came across as smothering in your post and that was the VERY thing that pushed ME away from my own mom as a young college graduate. Im on the other side of this situation; as the kid and location. I grew up in Europe and went away to the U.S for college with my parents support, but as soon i made my plans known to stay on in the U.S for a job offer after my graduation, my mother became even MORE smothering and i felt her disapproval. Mom's constants snide comments, general disproval, along with the constant phone calls, emails, etc of when are you gonna visit home really pushed me away. It just gave me a reason to stay AWAY to show my mom that i could do it on my own, and guess what? now as just turned 40 mom of two kids i don't have a particularly close relationship with my mom. She finally came around to my permanent relocation in the U.S, but by then the damage was done between us from many years of disapproval, fighting, etc. Ironically I'm more closer to my father now, who growing up wasn't close to AT ALL, know why? cuz HE was the only parent who supported my endenvors and respected my choices as a young adult.
Your son saw there was a heck lot more to the world than the seemingly closed minded community he grew up in, and that there is life to be had without strong overturns or influence from religion. I would hope my sons go off on their own to a life like your son did, cuz frankly during the 20's is really the best time to be exploring the world without any major commitments. All of those responsbilities, a mortgage etc comes much later.
Your son is young and, as long as he is self-supporting, let him experience life in his own way.
Do you have a cultural expectation that sons stay close to parents to "take care of them"? If he has grown up in the US, he may have moved away from that idea.
We have quite a few young people in our extended family who live far away or abroad, but it has opened up the possibility of exciting trips and explorations. Very easy to stay in contact with technology these days.
I think many of us have had girlfriends/boyfriends of our children with whom we developed strong relationships but had them end abruptly. That is rough but better than a divorce with children in the mix in the future. Many young people are not getting married until well into their 30s now. Your son obviously was not ready.
Religion is his business at this point, not yours. Keep in mind that young people (even people in general) leave organized religion for various reasons but that does not mean he does not have "beliefs". Stay far, far away from guilting him about that as you may lose him completely.
I am sorry that you are obviously in pain but try to embrace your son's choices if you want to repair your relationship.
My oldest son who is 28 just left USA after spending the holiday here. I can't even began to say how heartbroken I am.
When my son was 24, he went to Europe for a month. As soon as he got back, he broken up with his long time girlfriend with very weak explanation. This was rough for us as we considers this girl to be a perfect fit for him. She was a dedicated Christian and pretty much keep my son from wandering away from the belief. They also were looking to buying a house and getting engaged right before my son left for Europe.
Not long after that, he started to spend more and more time oversea. At first, we assumed he was just going through a phase and would eventually stay here. Especially with how many different countries he have been going to and returning to only few more than once.
Also we didn't think he'd have the guts, ability or desire to go through all trouble to move for good.
Last Christmas, he chose to spend it in Ukraine with a Belgian girl he met few weeks earlier instead of coming here. It was hard! But I made him promise to come for this year.
Last month, out of blue, he announced he's getting rid of everything and leaving USA for good and splitting time between two different countries.
He came to spend two weeks with us before he leave. It wasn't pretty. He brushed off every concern the family had, turned down every kind of offer to stay or made ridiculous stipulate, wasn't very friendly or socializin with anyone but his two sisters. I caught myself having to tiptoeing around him a lot because there was so much I want to scream into his face about how he threw everything away and how much I'm worried about him and all that. But I don't want to strain the relationship.
He barely talk to anybody else now. In fact when the family were here to say bye, everybody could tell he wasn't thrilled and wanted to get away.
It was incredibly painful and hard to watch him getting onto the airplane to leave.
I felt like I had failed as a parent and that his relationship with the family had been badly strained to the point where it just cannot be normal again anymore. It also is hard and embarrassing to tell others about this situation.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to somebody who had a child who moved out of the country or is quite distant from most of the family.
My oldest son who is 28 just left USA after spending the holiday here. I can't even began to say how heartbroken I am.
When my son was 24, he went to Europe for a month. As soon as he got back, he broken up with his long time girlfriend with very weak explanation. This was rough for us as we considers this girl to be a perfect fit for him. She was a dedicated Christian and pretty much keep my son from wandering away from the belief
You need look no further for an explanation about why he left. He regarded this woman friend as an extension of you and your family, telling him how he was going to live his life. He got a taste of personal freedom in Europe, that he hadn't known before.
My oldest son who is 28 just left USA after spending the holiday here. I can't even began to say how heartbroken I am.
When my son was 24, he went to Europe for a month. As soon as he got back, he broken up with his long time girlfriend with very weak explanation. This was rough for us as we considers this girl to be a perfect fit for him. She was a dedicated Christian and pretty much keep my son from wandering away from the belief. They also were looking to buying a house and getting engaged right before my son left for Europe.
Not long after that, he started to spend more and more time oversea. At first, we assumed he was just going through a phase and would eventually stay here. Especially with how many different countries he have been going to and returning to only few more than once.
Also we didn't think he'd have the guts, ability or desire to go through all trouble to move for good.
Last Christmas, he chose to spend it in Ukraine with a Belgian girl he met few weeks earlier instead of coming here. It was hard! But I made him promise to come for this year.
Last month, out of blue, he announced he's getting rid of everything and leaving USA for good and splitting time between two different countries.
He came to spend two weeks with us before he leave. It wasn't pretty. He brushed off every concern the family had, turned down every kind of offer to stay or made ridiculous stipulate, wasn't very friendly or socializin with anyone but his two sisters. I caught myself having to tiptoeing around him a lot because there was so much I want to scream into his face about how he threw everything away and how much I'm worried about him and all that. But I don't want to strain the relationship.
He barely talk to anybody else now. In fact when the family were here to say bye, everybody could tell he wasn't thrilled and wanted to get away.
It was incredibly painful and hard to watch him getting onto the airplane to leave.
I felt like I had failed as a parent and that his relationship with the family had been badly strained to the point where it just cannot be normal again anymore. It also is hard and embarrassing to tell others about this situation.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to somebody who had a child who moved out of the country or is quite distant from most of the family.
What is it that you think he threw away by moving?
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