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My oldest son who is 28 just left USA after spending the holiday here. I can't even began to say how heartbroken I am.
When my son was 24, he went to Europe for a month. As soon as he got back, he broken up with his long time girlfriend with very weak explanation. This was rough for us as we considers this girl to be a perfect fit for him. She was a dedicated Christian and pretty much keep my son from wandering away from the belief. They also were looking to buying a house and getting engaged right before my son left for Europe.
Not long after that, he started to spend more and more time oversea. At first, we assumed he was just going through a phase and would eventually stay here. Especially with how many different countries he have been going to and returning to only few more than once.
Also we didn't think he'd have the guts, ability or desire to go through all trouble to move for good.
Last Christmas, he chose to spend it in Ukraine with a Belgian girl he met few weeks earlier instead of coming here. It was hard! But I made him promise to come for this year.
Last month, out of blue, he announced he's getting rid of everything and leaving USA for good and splitting time between two different countries.
He came to spend two weeks with us before he leave. It wasn't pretty. He brushed off every concern the family had, turned down every kind of offer to stay or made ridiculous stipulate, wasn't very friendly or socializin with anyone but his two sisters. I caught myself having to tiptoeing around him a lot because there was so much I want to scream into his face about how he threw everything away and how much I'm worried about him and all that. But I don't want to strain the relationship.
He barely talk to anybody else now. In fact when the family were here to say bye, everybody could tell he wasn't thrilled and wanted to get away.
It was incredibly painful and hard to watch him getting onto the airplane to leave.
I felt like I had failed as a parent and that his relationship with the family had been badly strained to the point where it just cannot be normal again anymore. It also is hard and embarrassing to tell others about this situation.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to somebody who had a child who moved out of the country or is quite distant from most of the family.
Stopped reading there, because that's all I needed to know.
Sorry your son chose to follow a different path than the script you had imagined for him, but that happens pretty often...since you're choosing to view this as something he's doing to you to embarrass you and since you choose to believe he can't make it on his own, I don't see your relationship changing anytime soon.
Some of the things you said in your post are things I've heard my now husband's mother say (before we were married years and years ago) and that is one of many reasons why their relationship is strained. Unfortunately, people who see the parent-adult child relationship like you do don't tend to change, rather, they believe if their child would just see the light and live their lives the way they are "supposed to" everything would be okay.
I've done things my parents disagree with but ultimately they still love me and they respect my choices as an adult. That's the key difference here, you can't see your son as an independent adult who is allowed to make his own choices. You see him as that good christian boy who "fell from grace" gallivanting around Europe. With a hard-line attitude like that nothing will change. I don't blame him from distancing himself.
Or what these people said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegabern
You sound like my mother in law.
We fled too. And now we don't like to visit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
RUN, KID, RUN!
You're just sad your son didn't drink the Kool-Aid you'd been trying to feed him for years. This is what happens when you do that - you lose your adult child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Which will probably explain why he is done with Christianity too. The religion was probably used as a tool to control him also.
Your post comes across as controlling and/or smothering...
I agree. CD wouldn't let me rep you again.
OP.....Your son is an adult. Just because you thought the previous girl was perfect for him, it doesn't mean he did, obviously he has found what he wants in Europe.
Instead of ostracizing this young man, which obviously you are doing....tip toeing around him....these are your issues....controlling....and if I may say so....sounding like you are emotionally blackmailing him.
Try to think of the positives. Now you have a reason to travel to visit him. You may well find that he hasn't changed from the man you raised. Obviously you raised a young man that knows his own mind, and has the strength of his convictions, even in the face of your ire. Take some pride in that.
I believe that is you do not change how you are treating his decision, no matter how much it disappoints and hurts you, that you will forever lose him.
My oldest son who is 28 just left USA after spending the holiday here. I can't even began to say how heartbroken I am.
When my son was 24, he went to Europe for a month. As soon as he got back, he broken up with his long time girlfriend with very weak explanation. This was rough for us as we considers this girl to be a perfect fit for him. She was a dedicated Christian and pretty much keep my son from wandering away from the belief. They also were looking to buying a house and getting engaged right before my son left for Europe.
Not long after that, he started to spend more and more time oversea. At first, we assumed he was just going through a phase and would eventually stay here. Especially with how many different countries he have been going to and returning to only few more than once.
Also we didn't think he'd have the guts, ability or desire to go through all trouble to move for good.
Last Christmas, he chose to spend it in Ukraine with a Belgian girl he met few weeks earlier instead of coming here. It was hard! But I made him promise to come for this year.
Last month, out of blue, he announced he's getting rid of everything and leaving USA for good and splitting time between two different countries.
He came to spend two weeks with us before he leave. It wasn't pretty. He brushed off every concern the family had, turned down every kind of offer to stay or made ridiculous stipulate, wasn't very friendly or socializin with anyone but his two sisters. I caught myself having to tiptoeing around him a lot because there was so much I want to scream into his face about how he threw everything away and how much I'm worried about him and all that. But I don't want to strain the relationship.
He barely talk to anybody else now. In fact when the family were here to say bye, everybody could tell he wasn't thrilled and wanted to get away.
It was incredibly painful and hard to watch him getting onto the airplane to leave.
I felt like I had failed as a parent and that his relationship with the family had been badly strained to the point where it just cannot be normal again anymore. It also is hard and embarrassing to tell others about this situation.
I'm hoping to be able to talk to somebody who had a child who moved out of the country or is quite distant from most of the family.
Your son didn't ruin the relationship. The rest of the family, and you, did. You can't make people live life the way you want them to without ruining a relationship. At 28, you have to let him live his life, support him, and build the relationship wherever he decides to go. If you're giving him a hard time, of course it's going to strain the relationship.
You made him promise to come home for Christmas next year? How about making him want to by not giving him a hard time and inviting the girl? Giving him a hard time is going to push him away. I bet he won't come and visit if it continues.
He wasn't friendly because no one was supportive of curious about his life, they were just trying to convince him to stay. That's frustrating and would make anyone shut-down.
Really think about yours and everyone's behavior and decide who is at fault.
You should be happy that you raised a person to be independent, to have learned how to take care of himself and to think for himself.
He's evolved to an adult from being a child.
Embrace the adult and let go of the child and he will return to your heart.
You should be happy that you raised a person to be independent, to have learned how to take care of himself and to think for himself.
He's evolved to an adult from being a child.
Embrace the adult and let go of the child and he will return to your heart.
I read your concerns. As an adult and a parent you are indeed a caring person. Yes, perhaps this distance of miles does hinder some life experience moments . This adjustment will take time. I know it's not easy ...
I'm sure you miss him and want him to be safe. Has he denounced his citizenship ?
My friend moved to Germany.. She was close to her family. Lucky for her she assured them that she had a job secured and would keep in touch. That was 20 years ago. Her parents "knew" she was a go getter .. So they didn't question her ambitions. Her story was openly communicating and being supportive to others concerns. It's what adults do when making choices that may impact relations. Being considerate goes with adulthood well.
I haven't read all the comments but your writing makes me think English is not your first language and you might be from a different culture. Some cultures hold on to their kids longer than Americans.
At 24 he was perfectly grown up enough to make his own plans for his life and at 28 it is WAY PAST TIME for him to live his own life.
you just may have driven your child away for good.
It is not your right or duty to decide who is "just the right fit for him". Nor is it right for you to guilt him into making promises he can't or doesn't want to keep.
I hope you are not as controlling with your daughters but something tells me you are even more so. Don't be or you will end up very alone.
Children grow up and become adults and live their own lives. Sounds like you are having a hard time letting go - YOUR issue. I suggest seeing a therapist if you cant deal with the fact that your kids have grown up and have lives of their own now.
I get the impression that you were hoping for ideas on how you could get him to change his decisions, and what you could do to make him come back to you. This is really the problem in your situation. You need to stop trying to make him someone he isn't. Accept his choices and be supportive, and see what changes, if it's not too late already.
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