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Get a playpen. Pay attention to the toddler once per hour. The rest of the hour, tune him out. Make sure he has plenty of toys in the playpen.
This is terrible, you are going to punish and tune out the kid becasue of the actions of his mother, truly hope you are not a parent/grandparent. If he doesn't want to deal with the kid, he needs to man up and say it to her, not go through some motions, then toss the kid aside when she leaves. If he accepts the responsibility of watching the kid, then he has an obligation to interact/care for the kid.
I'm concerned about the kid. No way she should be leaving a toddler with a new boyfriend while she's working, no offense OP. How many instances do you read where the boyfriend hurts the child in a fit of rage while the mother is working? I'm not saying that would apply to you, but a mother - a real mother - should always be careful about who she introduces to her (child)ren. As you admitted, after being childless for years, dealing with a high energy toddler is a handful and you may not be up to it. That can cause problems because it is not out of the realm of possibility that your frustration/misery will boil over into physical harm. You need to make it clear to her that you don't agree with watching her child while she works and that she should put him in daycare. If she can't afford it, there's programs that can help her. My mother didn't have ANY man watch me and she didn't bring one around me until many months in. When we were introduced, she was always present. Hell, she didn't even date until I was around 9 years old. I'm very grateful to her for putting my needs and safety first, even at the expense of her dating life.
If I had a crystal-ball & could see the future I might say something like:
"She sees you as "Daddy" material & you will get her pregnant within the next few months. She will quit work to go on Maternity leave & you will be responsible for 3 more mouths to feed. Your relationship with your daughter may become strained if she starts to resent your "new" family."
But I don't have a crystal-ball so maybe I'm wrong.
Thanks for all the advice everyone. And no, this wasn't a bait post, every word was indeed true.
As for a few questions asked:
Yes, the father is still involved, but resents being so, and takes the kid as seldom as possible, and usually only when she's working, so weekends she has off, he refuses to take the child, meaning he has to come with her when she visits me.
This is why I met him so early. Her parents do baby sit once in a great while, but they're quite old and just don't have the energy to watch him, so when she's at work, he is almost always at a sitter.
To clarify the using me replies I read, I should have mentioned she has only asked me to sit once, when her work scheduled her for a saturday and the sitter was out of state, it's not a constant request, thankfully, because I would have to end it then and there.
As for 1 on 1 time, we seldom get any. He is always with her, at my house or hers, with a few exceptions, and those are the times when we really do enjoy each others company the most, and we get along fantastically. That is why I am having such a hard time just making up my mind to continue on or not, because we DO click, and quite well, but I know that her son is going to be in the picture for at least the next 16 years, and that thought doesn't excite me in the slightest. Not trying to sound like an ass, but it is what it is, so yeah, soon I'm going to have to really decide, and it sucks.
but I know that her son is going to be in the picture for at least the next 16 years, and that thought doesn't excite me in the slightest. Not trying to sound like an ass, but it is what it is, so yeah, soon I'm going to have to really decide, and it sucks.
Wake-up call- children do not disappear when they turn 18. So I will correct your statement for you "her son is going to be a very important part of her life for the rest of her life and his life."
Another point: he isn't able to choose whether or not to have you in his life, but you have the choice whether or not to be in his. Is it right to stay with his mom, when you really don't want to deal with him?
I say cut her loose and let her find someone who actually likes her son, not simply tolerates him.
(spoken by someone who grew up with crappy step-parents)
Ok, so here is my situation, and hoping to get some feedback and/or advice, because I am unsure how to handle this.
I started dating someone 7 years my junior (34) 2 months ago and things have progressed well between us with one small exception (literally), her 2 1/2 year old son.
I have always gotten along well with children, and they with me, however, I have found that I no longer have the ability it seems to stay calm and collected and relaxed around young kids. When she visits, she almost always has him with her, and he spends the night with her. I am in complete disagreement with many things when it comes to discipline and how he is allowed to behave, do what he likes, throw fits, ... you know, the normal things 2 1/2 year olds do, and it's causing friction.
Worse, I babysat one day while she had to go to work and I was with him for 8 hours. I was literally MISERABLE for the entire 8 hours. When my 17 year old daughter was small, I had none of these problems. I could handle the crying, the fits, the constant moving around and even the "I want that" until he gets it then doesn't want it all of a sudden. I was at my wits end by the time she arrived back. Now, with her work schedule, she asked if I could watch him while she got 4 to 6 hours of sleep at my house, and I told her that wasn't going to work well for me.
I do not understand why at 41 I am so against watching her child when I raised my own perfectly fine at 24. It seems I should be MORE calm and relaxed in my older age, but it's quite the opposite. I'm really concerned this is going to cause our relationship to end and am looking for any suggestions as to how I can relax and not go crazy trying to watch this kid. He's like a whirlwind, never settles down other than for a nap, always very loud and shrieking or crying, or or or ... omg. I'm feeling lost here.
No. No. No. Red flags.
Bad parenting. You say she only asked you this time, well, let's see.
And you say you click so well with her but then you are in complete disagreement with her parenting, soooo.... think again about being so great together.
Your subconscious tells you to get out. Listen to it.
Listen, you're not up to dating a single parent, so it's best to maybe end things. Yes, the child will be in her life - as he should if she's worth a damn - so if that's not your cup of tea then don't give the illusion of otherwise.
My thought still stands - she shouldn't be asking you - a new suitor - to watch her child. No way. I wouldn't be spending the night at your house, you'd come to my house.
Obviously, with the father being a douche, she wants the happy family pictured in the movies. She'd like to find love and provide some stability for her son. The problem is that can be rather overbearing for a man who either has no children or grown children and doesn't necessarily want to go down that path again. Kids, especially small ones, can be trying and if you're getting flustered then I don't see things getting better down the road. Again, don't date a single mom of a small child.
As for 1 on 1 time, we seldom get any. He is always with her, at my house or hers, with a few exceptions, and those are the times when we really do enjoy each others company the most, and we get along fantastically. That is why I am having such a hard time just making up my mind to continue on or not, because we DO click, and quite well, but I know that her son is going to be in the picture for at least the next 16 years, and that thought doesn't excite me in the slightest. Not trying to sound like an ass, but it is what it is, so yeah, soon I'm going to have to really decide, and it sucks.
You already raised your child, you're done with that stage of life. The idea of having to do it all over again is probably what's bothering you. Do you want more children? Because if you get married, that little guy will probably need a brother pretty soon and you'll be stuck raising kids until you're retirement age.
Well I don't think it's smart of her to have a boyfriend babysit her kid. No offense to you, but how many stories have we heard where a boyfriend hurt or killed a kid while the mom was at work? You may be a perfectly fine person, but she should be taking any chances where her child is concerned.
Second, if you have a problem with the kid, stop dating her and let her find someone who embraces her AND her son wholeheartedly. They both deserve that. You should date someone without kids.
To clarify the using me replies I read, I should have mentioned she has only asked me to sit once, when her work scheduled her for a saturday and the sitter was out of state, it's not a constant request, thankfully, because I would have to end it then and there.
.
That right there means you do not intend to be a father to him. So let her go, so she can find someone who will not only be a partner to her, but a father to her child. He doesn't need another man in his life who doesn't want him around.
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