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Ok, so here is my situation, and hoping to get some feedback and/or advice, because I am unsure how to handle this.
I started dating someone 7 years my junior (34) 2 months ago and things have progressed well between us with one small exception (literally), her 2 1/2 year old son.
I have always gotten along well with children, and they with me, however, I have found that I no longer have the ability it seems to stay calm and collected and relaxed around young kids. When she visits, she almost always has him with her, and he spends the night with her. I am in complete disagreement with many things when it comes to discipline and how he is allowed to behave, do what he likes, throw fits, ... you know, the normal things 2 1/2 year olds do, and it's causing friction.
Worse, I babysat one day while she had to go to work and I was with him for 8 hours. I was literally MISERABLE for the entire 8 hours. When my 17 year old daughter was small, I had none of these problems. I could handle the crying, the fits, the constant moving around and even the "I want that" until he gets it then doesn't want it all of a sudden. I was at my wits end by the time she arrived back. Now, with her work schedule, she asked if I could watch him while she got 4 to 6 hours of sleep at my house, and I told her that wasn't going to work well for me.
I do not understand why at 41 I am so against watching her child when I raised my own perfectly fine at 24. It seems I should be MORE calm and relaxed in my older age, but it's quite the opposite. I'm really concerned this is going to cause our relationship to end and am looking for any suggestions as to how I can relax and not go crazy trying to watch this kid. He's like a whirlwind, never settles down other than for a nap, always very loud and shrieking or crying, or or or ... omg. I'm feeling lost here.
Typical two year old - and by your age, energy levels drop, even if patience increases. Sounds as if you are venting here, but have a sit-down with the little guy's mom and lay it all out, being careful not to lay out blame as well.
How serious are you both about your relationship, and where do you see it going in the future? You have only been dating his mother for two months, and it sounds as if things are moving very swiftly - perhaps too much so for the toddler's comprehension, especially if he does not see you daily and his contact with you is in your home (with his mother in your bed, or not present at all??).
That would be a lot for an older child to adjust to, and far more disruptive for a very small child. If you only tolerate him, find his behavior irritating and do not enjoy his presence, he will certainly pick up on that, even if he cannot articulate it.
Kids know when adults like them - and when they don't. He certainly knows when he is away from his own home and routines, with his mother not present and someone he doesn't know or like very well around and in charge. Of course he's going to act out, since he can't tell you this very fluently.
Remember, this little boy will not always be two and a half. He should be much easier to be around and care for in another year - but he may not like you very much then, even without really knowing why.
Is the little boy's bio dad in the picture at all? Grandparents, or other relatives? If so and if they live nearby, can they look after him some? You, a very recent acquaintance (even given your "dating" activities) should not be the fall-back baby sitter except for emergencies - especially not for an eight-hour stretch.
Many thoughtful and caring single mothers do not even introduce their children to their SO before six months or so, and then it's carefully done, with the SO being introduced as Mommy's new friend, not her boyfriend.
Are you absolutely sure this child's mother is not just using you as an unpaid babysitter for convenience? It sounds as if you are becoming increasingly resentful and impatient - let her know this, for the child's sake.
If you decide to stick it out, and if you wind up with additional eight-hour babysitting stints, plan ahead.
Go for a walk outside - ideally to a small-child playground - if the weather is nice, and talk about what you see along the way. It can be simple - "Oh, look, there's a red car! It's red like an apple, isn't it? Look, that house has a green door. Look at that big tree. Can you hear the birds singing?" and so on. You want to engage this little boy and keep him focused.
Don't forget mid-morning snack time. If he's hungry, he'll be cranky.
See if the local library has a toddler story time, which parents or familiar adults also attend. Is there a children's museum in your area? Is there a pet store with adoptable pets you can visit? (not advising pet adoption at this point). Local farms that welcome visitors? Nearby child-friendly tourist attractions? Tell him where you're going first - surprises can wait until he is a little older and your relationship is on firmer and more affectionate ground.
Don't feed him junk food - fruit is good, milk and cheese may make him a little sleepy (which can manifest as frantic running around as well as grouchiness or obvious tiredness- put him down for a nap if this happens. Let Teddy bear nap with him and tuck both in affectionately, without threats about refusing to sleep. He may cry or complain a little, but should drop off quickly if left alone but within hearing distance for safety).
Naps are your (and little guy's) friend. Put your own feet up while he's snoozing.
Play simple games later - "Ring around the Rosie", or roll a ball back and forth across the floor. Sing. Read to him (ask the children's librarian for good suggestions for toddlers and take time to look at and talk about the pictures if he's not ready to hear the whole story - you can always abridge or tell it in your own words or just make up a story, as long as you are turning the pages to get him interested in books. Actually reading the text may come later). Recite or sing nursery rhymes. Dance to recorded children's songs(talent is not required, as with singing).
Have a Teddy bear tea party (favorites with little boys as well as little girls). Make-believe food and drink are fine, or you could put milk and crackers and sliced bananas on the menu. Be sure to "feed" Teddy or other stuffed animal friends a few bites (Teddies really like imaginary food).
If there's no small table and chairs, spread a tablecloth or sheet on the floor and have a Teddy bear picnic (learn the song if you really want it to be memorable).
Or pop the little guy into a bubble bath with bath toys, even if he's not dirty. If you do this, do NOT leave the bathroom - children can drown in less than three inches of water.
Break out simple art supplies - modeling clay, fat crayons, etc. Get some paper plates and decorate them with crayons, showing the little guy how to trace the lines.
If you must, resort to DVDs or online games, but save these options for when you've tried absolutely everything else and keep it short and discuss what he's watched afterwards.
Building blocks are classic. So are tricycles and little red wagons at this age. Little toy cars. Have toy car races. Model toy farm animals are fun, too.
And - go to bed early, early, the night before you baby-sit again, and eat a nourishing and healthy breakfast and wear comfortable clothes, especially shoes. Start taking vitamins, if you don't already do so.
My father was about your age when I came along, and I do remember playing some of these simple games, etc. with him when I was quite small (three, perhaps). It can be done, even by someone in their forties or older.
Your experience with your daughter should be helpful, but all small children are very much individuals, so remember what she was like and what she liked at this age, but don't compare. Girls often mature more quickly than little boys, especially when it comes to attention spans.
Good luck to you.
Last edited by CraigCreek; 01-24-2017 at 12:42 AM..
Yeah, I am very surprised that you have met her child at all. 2 months is WAY too soon to introduce a toddler to Mommy or Daddy's new boyfriend. That is a red flag for her decision-making skills.
As far as being 40 and impatient with a toddler, it's natural because, yes, you're older, you're an experienced parent (been there/done that) but with a long gap since you were "in the trenches," and you have not bonded with this child. You have just shown up in his life and are now filling in that Dad blank.
I would take a long, hard look at this relationship, and in the future take your time when meeting someone's children. Take SEVERAL months, in fact.
Ok, so here is my situation, and hoping to get some feedback and/or advice, because I am unsure how to handle this.
I started dating someone 7 years my junior (34) 2 months ago and things have progressed well between us with one small exception (literally), her 2 1/2 year old son.
I have always gotten along well with children, and they with me, however, I have found that I no longer have the ability it seems to stay calm and collected and relaxed around young kids. When she visits, she almost always has him with her, and he spends the night with her. I am in complete disagreement with many things when it comes to discipline and how he is allowed to behave, do what he likes, throw fits, ... you know, the normal things 2 1/2 year olds do, and it's causing friction.
Worse, I babysat one day while she had to go to work and I was with him for 8 hours. I was literally MISERABLE for the entire 8 hours. When my 17 year old daughter was small, I had none of these problems. I could handle the crying, the fits, the constant moving around and even the "I want that" until he gets it then doesn't want it all of a sudden. I was at my wits end by the time she arrived back. Now, with her work schedule, she asked if I could watch him while she got 4 to 6 hours of sleep at my house, and I told her that wasn't going to work well for me.
I do not understand why at 41 I am so against watching her child when I raised my own perfectly fine at 24. It seems I should be MORE calm and relaxed in my older age, but it's quite the opposite. I'm really concerned this is going to cause our relationship to end and am looking for any suggestions as to how I can relax and not go crazy trying to watch this kid. He's like a whirlwind, never settles down other than for a nap, always very loud and shrieking or crying, or or or ... omg. I'm feeling lost here.
Pack it in...buddy, you don't like her kid or how she parents, that's fine, i don't like other people's children much either. This is a problem that will not go away and is going to end your relationship. The relationship is new, so it is not the end of the world for everybody to go their separate ways. Be partially honest with her, no need to demean her kid or her parenting, just say, at 41, I thought I could deal with it, but I was wrong. The longer you wait, the harder on you, her and the kid it will be.
Move on. Meeting children after only a couple months is a HUGE red flag to begin with. And this problem is not going away. The sooner you break it off, the easier it will be.
Ok, so here is my situation, and hoping to get some feedback and/or advice, because I am unsure how to handle this.
I started dating someone 7 years my junior (34) 2 months ago and things have progressed well between us with one small exception (literally), her 2 1/2 year old son.
I have always gotten along well with children, and they with me, however, I have found that I no longer have the ability it seems to stay calm and collected and relaxed around young kids. When she visits, she almost always has him with her, and he spends the night with her. I am in complete disagreement with many things when it comes to discipline and how he is allowed to behave, do what he likes, throw fits, ... you know, the normal things 2 1/2 year olds do, and it's causing friction.
Worse, I babysat one day while she had to go to work and I was with him for 8 hours. I was literally MISERABLE for the entire 8 hours. When my 17 year old daughter was small, I had none of these problems. I could handle the crying, the fits, the constant moving around and even the "I want that" until he gets it then doesn't want it all of a sudden. I was at my wits end by the time she arrived back. Now, with her work schedule, she asked if I could watch him while she got 4 to 6 hours of sleep at my house, and I told her that wasn't going to work well for me.
I do not understand why at 41 I am so against watching her child when I raised my own perfectly fine at 24. It seems I should be MORE calm and relaxed in my older age, but it's quite the opposite. I'm really concerned this is going to cause our relationship to end and am looking for any suggestions as to how I can relax and not go crazy trying to watch this kid. He's like a whirlwind, never settles down other than for a nap, always very loud and shrieking or crying, or or or ... omg. I'm feeling lost here.
Your inner wisdom is telling you that you do not want this life. The "why" doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel. You are done raising children and you need to let her go find someone whose dream for their life includes her son.
Move on. Meeting children after only a couple months is a HUGE red flag to begin with. And this problem is not going away. The sooner you break it off, the easier it will be.
This.
She's a package deal, and you are seemingly not interested in the package. Cut your losses on both sides and move on.
Plus this playing happy families and her leaving the kid with you for 8 hours after only dating two month? Big red flag right there that she has very poor boundaries, so you are looking at future issues anyway.
Yeah, I am very surprised that you have met her child at all. 2 months is WAY too soon to introduce a toddler to Mommy or Daddy's new boyfriend. That is a red flag for her decision-making skills.
Indeed. I couldn't see allowing someone I've only known for two months to baby sit a 2 year old. Heck, my kids are much older and I still am very cautious of who I leave them with. Nothing personal against the poster. But that truly is a major red flag.
40 years old if it was your kid it would not be a problem . Trust me been there done that. I have also been with the other people's kid(stepkids) situation. If you are unhappy with the way she cares to discipline her child move on now.
OP - I agree with all the advice in these posts. I urge you to pull back and take your time to assess the situation more. You are going way too fast! Sounds like you are letting the excitement of the new relationship and perhaps desire to be in one, color your view. This isn't about dating, it's really about whether or not you want to co-parent and raise a child for the next 20 years thru college. As you know, this takes a huge commitment in terms of personal sacrifice, time and money. Are you prepared for this?
The age you are now is really for growing your career and accumulating $$ for retirement or putting kids thru college. However, retirement will be here before you know it. Are you prepared for the after school sports, teen years, etc., while trying to grow a marriage - assuming you will marry, and do the above? Can't remember what the stats are for second marriages, isn't it something like 50% fail? You are going into this relationship with the odds stacked against you as you aren't doing your due diligence in vetting your partner and the relationship, and this takes time. Not that you can't pull it off, but you really need to think about if you can make the sacrifice. Having patience with a toddler is nothing compared to the other things I mentioned. BTW - the poor kid was probably stressed being with someone he doesn't know, it's not fair to either of you to be spending much, if any time together yet.
I'd say if you want this relationship to work, you need to have a heart to heart, set limits, discuss timelines, and slowly get to know the child if you are dating 4-6 months from now. Good luck!
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I have also been with the other people's kid(stepkids) situation. If you are unhappy with the way she cares to discipline her child move on now.
