How do I get my 23-year-old son to move out of my house? (teaching, girls)
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You're assuming that her son doesn't EVENTUALLY want to live out on his own. Maybe he had plans to do that, but his Mom pulled a bait and switch after telling him he could stay there as long as he needed to.
If that is the case, the son could have explained his plan to Mom when she gave him notice to move out. "Mom, I understand but this is my plan....save money...blah, blah...get a better paying job....blah, blah,....planning to get my own place in such and such time frame...blah, blah." Instead, he reacted by:
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1to1onto
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things.
^^This is how a child reacts. Not an adult with a plan.
My suggestion of Mom helping him to formulate a plan to live independently before tossing him out still stands.
And regarding a couple of other things that keep coming up:
1.) Bad economy. The Washington, DC metro area job market is thriving. My husband changed jobs three times last year. A friend's son graduated college in December, and is now working full-time making a decent salary for his first "real" job. My husband's employer just hired six people that just recently graduated from college. If jobs are scarce in your area, then move where the jobs are. I can assure you, my husband and I wouldn't be living in Northern VA if it weren't for the job opportunities.
2.) Is the quid pro quo with kids a recent thing? I can't imagine feeling that if you don't provide for your adult children for as long as they expect it, they will just stick you in a nursing home in your old age. If your children hold something like this over your head, maybe you shouldn't entrust your care to them.
I think I've lost track of the number of times I've been blamed for the actions of a GROWN MAN. I was a SINGLE mother for crying out loud. I think it should be expected of me to not have done as good a job raising him as a married woman. Yeah, there are things I could have done better. But I certainly NEVER told him that it was okay to live off other people. I always told him to be nice to other children and to respect his teachers.
And to clarify, when I told him he could stay with me as long as he wanted, I didn't think he would want to stay with me very long. I thought he would be able to figure out himself that he needed to support himself. I mean, even a 7-year-old should realize that their parents will get old and die before them. There needs to be a good chunk of time between me supporting him, and him supporting me when I need it.
Didn't you say it has been 4 months? I might expect your reaction after 4 years.
Why do you expect him to assume one thing when you said another? Maybe he thinks you're lonely and like the company. Why else would you have invited him to stay "as long as he wants?"
kick him out.. .. if he doesn't make enough now, then he needs to figure out how to make enough to move out, just like an adult would do..
2 months is not enough time though, keep in mind, usually you have to have first and last months rent, and deposit before you can move into an apartment... ask him how much time he needs, make him set a hard deadline ... but not longer than say 6 months ? or a year ? whatever your comfortable with ..
I'm sure I could get a job at subway, and then the gas station in order to get an apartment,If I currently had no job..
I moved out when I was 20, you learn fast and are out of your comfort zone for a while, but should get over it soon.
I think I've lost track of the number of times I've been blamed for the actions of a GROWN MAN. I was a SINGLE mother for crying out loud. I think it should be expected of me to not have done as good a job raising him as a married woman. Yeah, there are things I could have done better. But I certainly NEVER told him that it was okay to live off other people. I always told him to be nice to other children and to respect his teachers.
And to clarify, when I told him he could stay with me as long as he wanted, I didn't think he would want to stay with me very long. I thought he would be able to figure out himself that he needed to support himself. I mean, even a 7-year-old should realize that their parents will get old and die before them. There needs to be a good chunk of time between me supporting him, and him supporting me when I need it.
What does being a single mom have to do with it? Is your son cramping your love life?
Lol, your son should not be expected to support you. Ever. It's not ok to live off other people, right?
You still haven't said if you contributed to his college expenses in any meaningful way, or if he's carrying hefty student loans. And, it matters, because there's a world of difference between a kid who did it on his own and needs a break right now, and a kid who has been fully supported by his parent for 23 years and just wants to milk it.
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
Who cares what he understands?
He's an immature dick.
Throw him out.
This is why I love the internet. I'm sure in the previous pages another poster will claim the mom was enabling the son's immature behavior by letting it go this long. It sure has come up a lot in other similar posts.
I think it's terrible that you are calling the OP selfish. He is old enough, she has paid her dues. It's time he grows up and acts like a big boy instead of lashing out at mom for simply reminding him that it is time.
I agree. He's lashing out at Mom because he knows she's right.
Now that he's had his hissy fit, they should be able to sit down and talk about this rationally, without emotional blackmail.
All parent/child/family relationships are different.
Based on the OP, you and your son clearly have a communication problem.
- Does an open ended invite come w/out any expectations of your son?
- What was the goal of your son moving in? Minimizing your expenses, helping his save money, neither, both
- Did he have financial obligations to the household (paying 1 or 2 bills while there)?
- Did he have other obligations to the household (chores)?
- Did you assume he would work as much as he could?
- What if he got a GF (or has one)?
- What type of bills does he have (school loans, health insurance, car note, car insurance, cell phone, etc)?
Were these things laid out in detail when you initially invited him and he failed on keeping up his end of the bargain?
You underestimated things about yourself (desire for privacy, wanting to have him home) and overestimated things about your son (common sense to pitch in at home, his own motivation to move out, desire to maximize work opportunities/hours, and his level of respect for you).
I also don't believe a son behaves this way out of the blue. His anger could be either he had a plan and this may throw an unexpected wrench in it. Unfortunately, the more likely scenario is he has no plan at all and was fine not contributing.
Regardless of the reason, his behavior as you describe it seems like that of an ungrateful individual.
That type of person will NEVER be satisfied and doesn't even comprehend personal accountability/responbility.
8 months is a long time to save money for someone working (even a minimum wage job or two) and not to contribute something to the house.
The consequences of broken family relationships can sometimes be permanent.
If you are willing to bear the possible consequences from kicking him out, I say you've already set a date, stick to the date. He is a college educated thinking adult, he will find a way to survive. Hopefully he does more than that and finds a way to thrive.
As someone who is very close to my very very large family I can tell you that all families have their own version of drama, it is natural. However, sometimes, individuals do/say things that are irreparable and I just hope this isn't it between you and your son.
People are bashing the OP because she sounds like a cold, uncaring mother who lacks any compassion for her own son. She told him he could stay "as long as he wants" but then abruptly tells him to get out. Where is the kindness? Where is the natural mother's love that wants to help her son?
And for those of you saying kick him out, you were on your own when you were 18, etc, so much depends on financial factors. Does the son have a lot of student loan debt? Do they live in a HCOL area where rent would pretty much eat up his entire paycheck? Things have changed a LOT in just 10 years with skyrocketing costs of rent, education and healthcare.Of course she legally owes him nothing, but those of us who don't get this mom's mindset have an understanding of general family love and closeness. Yes I want my son to be a man and be independent but as long as he is working and trying I will do whatever I can to help him through financial challenges especially if he just wants to live at home. It has nothing to do with coddling and everything to do with family bond and compassion for my own son.
People are bashing the OP because she sounds like a cold, uncaring mother who lacks any compassion for her own son. She told him he could stay "as long as he wants" but then abruptly tells him to get out. Where is the kindness? Where is the natural mother's love that wants to help her son?
And for those of you saying kick him out, you were on your own when you were 18, etc, so much depends on financial factors. Does the son have a lot of student loan debt? Do they live in a HCOL area where rent would pretty much eat up his entire paycheck? Things have changed a LOT in just 10 years with skyrocketing costs of rent, education and healthcare.Of course she legally owes him nothing, but those of us who don't get this mom's mindset have an understanding of general family love and closeness. Yes I want my son to be a man and be independent but as long as he is working and trying I will do whatever I can to help him through financial challenges especially if he just wants to live at home. It has nothing to do with coddling and everything to do with family bond and compassion for my own son.
From reading his response he may have been enabled by his mother. I would NEVER think of saying the things to my mother that he did. If I did I would be out the door with an encore. How long did he plan on staying with mommy? For the record, I was on my own since I was 17. I worked two jobs and had roommates when times got rough. Building character is part of growing up. Hard work NEVER killed anyone.
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