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OP, I've just returned to work last week from my maternity leave. I'm breastfeeding and I handle all the night time feedings while I was out on my leave and also now that I'm back to work.
My opinion, if she's up anyway to pump at night, she should handle the feedings. And once her supply has regulate, she might be able to drop the pumping session at night.
Our rough schedule right now:
- 7:30PM: Bath time. Follow by last feeding
- 9PM: Baby sleep in his crib and I try to go to sleep not long after that (but usually I sleep around 10- 11PM)
- 1 to 2 AM: Breastfeed baby. I used to pump AFTER I fed him (his longest stretch of sleep so I felt the most full at this time), but stopped doing that once I'm back at work and am able to pump enough at work.
- 4AM: Breastfeed baby. He's dropped this feeding the past few of days (YES!). Hopefully it'll continue.
- 6AM: I wake up, get in the shower, prepare my oldest son breakfast and pack his lunch.
- 7:30AM: Breastfeed baby
The point is that Mom shouldn't expect Dad to work 40 hours, 20 hours commute, do all the household chores and do all the night feedings. That's not sharing the responsibility that's dad pulling more then his fair share. Should he help her yes, should he be expected to do it all no. Sorry part of being a SAHM is household chores. If she is home all day why on earth would she not be able to do a load of laundry and cook a simple meal, unless her health doesn't allow it. I would never have asked my husband to do laundry, cook and clean after being gone for 14 hours a day. Why should they both be sleep deprived if mom is going to wake up and pump, why can't she wake up and feed the baby instead. Let Dad take over on Friday and Saturday nights and mom sleep through. More to this story then just night feedings.
I am talking specifically about chores not who should night feed. In your opinion, what is the husband obligated to do around the house? What would be fair to you?
The thing is, when we decided that I would stay home, it was to take care of our 3 children not to be the default maid of my husband. You either value what you do at home with your children or you don't. And I do. There are default chores that I did because I was a sahm. For example, I cooked 2 out of the 3 meals by default (breakfast and lunch). And don't forget all the snacks and crap in between. Also, by default, I did the dishes a minimum of 2 times already after each meal. Also by default, I cleaned the house already because the mess created by the little ones after meals, crafts, play, accidents, etc. As a stay at home I did everything when I was home watching the kids while the husband was at work.
The moment he steps into the house, I guarantee you I was way more exhausted than my husband. And guess what? My husband agrees 100%. Somehow you think when he gets home he should be able to relax. Why???? He is a freaking dad and a husband the moment he steps into the house. Relax??? You see when he is at work, he gets to actually use the bathroom, go out to eat for lunch and banter with colleagues, take a breather, have real conversation, etc. He is a games programmer. Heck he even enjoys 1 hour commute driving on the toll road to decompress while listening to his tunes.
Sure my husband was gone for 10 hours. But I was working for 10 hours too. Like I said when he gets home, we split all chores that would be required to do even if we did not have kids - for example, laundry, vacuum, cooking dinner, etc. Just because we had kids, all of a sudden, I am now designated to the laundry and cook dinner? There is no logic there.
I am talking specifically about chores not who should night feed. In your opinion, what is the husband obligated to do around the house? What would be fair to you?
The thing is, when we decided that I would stay home, it was to take care of our 3 children not to be the default maid of my husband. You either value what you do at home with your children or you don't. And I do. There are default chores that I did because I was a sahm. For example, I cooked 2 out of the 3 meals by default (breakfast and lunch). And don't forget all the snacks and crap in between. Also, by default, I did the dishes a minimum of 2 times already after each meal. Also by default, I cleaned the house already because the mess created by the little ones after meals, crafts, play, accidents, etc. As a stay at home I did everything when I was home watching the kids while the husband was at work.
The moment he steps into the house, I guarantee you I was way more exhausted than my husband. And guess what? My husband agrees 100%. Somehow you think when he gets home he should be able to relax. Why???? He is a freaking dad and a husband the moment he steps into the house. Relax??? You see when he is at work, he gets to actually use the bathroom, go out to eat for lunch and banter with colleagues, take a breather, have real conversation, etc. He is a games programmer. Heck he even enjoys 1 hour commute driving on the toll road to decompress while listening to his tunes.
Sure my husband was gone for 10 hours. But I was working for 10 hours too. Like I said when he gets home, we split all chores that would be required to do even if we did not have kids - for example, laundry, vacuum, cooking dinner, etc. Just because we had kids, all of a sudden, I am now designated to the laundry and cook dinner? There is no logic there.
First of all I never said she should do it all, what I said was, why does she expect him to do it all. He is the one that made the statement that he would be doing all the cooking, laundry and household chores. Why does he have to do it all. What is the big deal about doing laundry? I'm betting they have a automatic washer and dryer and not a wringer washer.
You seem to be taking this personally and have a lot of anger. Yes I do think my husband had the right to relax a little when he got home,that doesn't mean he didn't do anything but I didn't expect him to do everything like this mom does. Did you even read all of the original posts made by the OP? Sorry but I'm no perfect wife or mother but I managed to be organized enough to do laundry. When I was a SAHM I took care of my house and the kids. Was it hard sometimes yes but that was my job. My husband worked 40+, took care of the yard, shoveled and plowed the driveway, did the maintenance on our vehicles, fed the animals and helped with the dinner and bath routine. I didn't expect him to clean, cook and do laundry also. I actually used the bathroom, had friends and talked to other adults when I was a SAHM maybe that's the reason I wasn't overwhelmed the majority of the time but I did have my moments of feeling like I wanted to scream. I had myself and the kids on a schedule and that helped tremendously. I also expected them when they were old enough to play on their own or with each other. We read books, put puzzles together and practiced numbers, colors etc. but I didn't entertain them constantly.
Just the difference in people and families. No one solution will work for all.
Says who? So, the fact that I am a sahm, that makes me the default toilet cleaner? How are those two things even related? I am a sahm and my husband works. We both take care of different things around the house based on our strengths and weaknesses and not who works out of or in the home. So, please tell me, in your opinion, what should be his home obligations?
I think the working spouse can make dinner and/or clean up after dinner and possibly do a load of laundry every night. Everything else? That's on the stay at home spouse. And I say this as a woman who has been a WAHM, WOHM and SAHM with a husband who has been a SAHD and WOHD.
Why does it have to be all or nothing? Dad said bed time for all is 11 pm, and he gets up at 5:30 for work. Why should mom do both the 11 and 5 feedings when he'll be up within a half hour of that time anyway?
Well if he goes to bed at 11, then he goes to bed at 11. A feeding takes 30-45 minutes usually, putting his bedtime back an hour.
I know there's lots of superwomen here, but we both did the night feedings. I had (and still have) a sleep disorder, so no I couldn't just go from awake to REM sleep in a matter of minutes only to be woken an hour - or maybe two if I'm lucky - later. I never napped when the baby rested. My first child was very high needs and didn't nap often. I was delirious with exhaustion. My job in a law office was far easier than her. Again, I'm not one of those people who goes to sleep at the drop of a hat. My husband, however, is, so he readily agreed to handle the 2 am feeding because he could easily go back to sleep and be up at 6:30. We all went to bed at around 11. I'll reiterate I'm no superwoman. When I returned to work and also earned a wage, I needed my sleep too. We just juggled. And that's what you do OP, you juggle, whether you are the one doing the working or not. If she has sleep issues (that can possibly affect how she interacts with your child), I feel it's best if you work something out so that she gets the sleep that she needs. Maybe you stagger your bedtimes or something.
FWIW, Im a working mom, and breastfed both of my daughters for over two years.
I'm not a superwoman. I just happen to think that the stay at home spouse should be the one taking care of the baby at night during the work week. If the working spouse is responsible for the finances of the entire family, then the stay at home spouse can be responsible for the family care of the house. What is wrong with that? Esp. since I said the working spouse should give the stay at home spouse a break on the weekends.
Well if he goes to bed at 11, then he goes to bed at 11. A feeding takes 30-45 minutes usually, putting his bedtime back an hour.
My suggestion all along was to split the 3 feedings in question. It's called teamwork. It makes way more sense than 1 person being up 3 times. They don't all have to stay up until 11 and all get up at 5. It isn't just the amount of sleep that's important, it's the duration. Sharing means they both get a longer stretch.
First of all I never said she should do it all, what I said was, why does she expect him to do it all. He is the one that made the statement that he would be doing all the cooking, laundry and household chores. Why does he have to do it all. What is the big deal about doing laundry? I'm betting they have a automatic washer and dryer and not a wringer washer.
You seem to be taking this personally and have a lot of anger. Yes I do think my husband had the right to relax a little when he got home,that doesn't mean he didn't do anything but I didn't expect him to do everything like this mom does. Did you even read all of the original posts made by the OP? Sorry but I'm no perfect wife or mother but I managed to be organized enough to do laundry. When I was a SAHM I took care of my house and the kids. Was it hard sometimes yes but that was my job. My husband worked 40+, took care of the yard, shoveled and plowed the driveway, did the maintenance on our vehicles, fed the animals and helped with the dinner and bath routine. I didn't expect him to clean, cook and do laundry also. I actually used the bathroom, had friends and talked to other adults when I was a SAHM maybe that's the reason I wasn't overwhelmed the majority of the time but I did have my moments of feeling like I wanted to scream. I had myself and the kids on a schedule and that helped tremendously. I also expected them when they were old enough to play on their own or with each other. We read books, put puzzles together and practiced numbers, colors etc. but I didn't entertain them constantly.
Just the difference in people and families. No one solution will work for all.
Yes, I read Ops posts. He seems to have an office job that requires a 2 hr. commute that is mostly on trains and subways. You are arguing against something that I didn't state. I originally asked you what you thought should be his household chores. My point is by default, sahms are already doing daily chores related to child rearing while they are watching the kids. So it's not like the sahm or op's wife isn't doing any chores. Op is not doing all the cooking. He is at most cooking one meal per day out of 3meals. So he can't be doing all the cooking. You keep saying he is doing all the chores which is impossible because you keep only stating 2 that he does - cooking dinner and laundry.
Btw, I do the laundry and the entire family folds. But not because I am a sahm but because I am more particular about fabric care. The majority of chores your husband does are not daily or even weekly chores. The fact is, for some reason, people seems to think sahm should shoulder a bigger percentage of chores that are not child related just because they work at home.
Finally, I never stated I was overwhelmed. And yes, I did run on a schedule which actually means staying home was mostly required because of naps and eating healthy meals. Did we go to play dates 2 times a week? Yes, but so what? How does that relate to having to do more non child related chores? I'm not angry. I just can't understand why women feel the need to shoulder the majority of household chores beyond childrearing. The amount of hours a lot of men spend doing manly chores are minimal compared to daily or weekly chores women shoulder if done right.
Wish I could give you more rep, Kibbiekat. They both can get enough sleep to get by on if they tweak their sleep schedule slightly and he takes one feed.
One person should not be on call 24/7 for five days in a row. Sleep deprivation is just as dangerous for the mother with a newborn in the car driving to the grocery store or doctor as it is for the father driving to the train station.
OP, what does your wife say about how she thinks things might go on your return to work? You've said what her expectations are while you're home on leave, but have you actually talked to her yet about say the next 6 weeks?
Also, it doesn't really matter what we all might think she should be doing, what do you think she is actually able to do, given how the birth went and what physical limitations arthritis imposes on her?
For the first 6-8 weeks with my first child, I felt really overwhelmed and simply didn't have the bandwidth to do much more than feed myself, feed and change my baby, and maybe throw in the odd load of laundry. There's no shame in that, you just have to deal with what is. Some people sail through a new baby, some, not so much.
It doesn't sound like either of you is being a slacker, but it does sound like you need real, tangible support. What about seeing if you can find someone like a high school senior or someone retired to come in for the witching hours, say 4-6, for the next couple of weeks? They can load/unload the dishwasher, fold the laundry, run the vacuum, prepare a simple meal. The NextDoor app is good for getting very local referrals from your neighbors.
Then you can get home and the three of you can all just be together without anyone feeling resentful or guilty. And hopefully get to bed early.
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