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I appreciate the response everyone. I think one of the reason why it is difficult is because I was raised extremely poor. My mother and I came to the U.S (when I was 7) with just a bag of clothes because it took her entire savings to get the green cards and come here legally. I worked since I was very young to not only support myself but also my mother and step father at the time. I worked three jobs to get my engineering degree and help my parents at the same time. Years ago I went through deep depression because no matter how hard I worked, I couldn't move forward. Now at age 36 I finally have a very good income, nice house, and about to get a masters in engineering. But again, I am supporting my mother (paying her mortgage and have been years before I married my wife).
Now my wife's family are sort of the opposite. My mother in law has been working for the government for a very long time and the father in law is about to retire working as a small town district bank manager. My wife and her brother has literally been given everything and didn't have to work hard to earn anything. When her brother lived with us, he didn't even attempt to look for a job within 3 months. It took a huge argument for him to finally get a job and start paying for his own stuff. Again, my wife states it's a cultural thing but in reality it was how she was raised.
Still a very small part of me wants to pay half the tickets, but when they arrive here, I'm not sure if my attitude will be sound...especially when my in laws have more than enough funds to pay for their own tickets.
I can absolutely understand your frustration, even more so with this explanation. Does your wife understand this? I am sure however, she is resentful because you pay for your mother's mortgage and won't pay for a plane ticket.
Are you able to be flexible with the exact travel dates, and airports? I don't know exactly where you are, but I'm in Texas and a quick Google search gives results for a round-trip ticket between Seoul and Dallas for under $1k. For 2 adults, that's around $2k, saving about a thousand. If you are able to earn degrees in engineering, you can find some flights in the USA if need be to (at the very least) save several hundred dollars. Start looking at the travel aggregator sites.
I brought up how both of us were raised differently several times before, and I don't think she can remotely understand the hard work and dedication required to achieve something great (not just financially). She also stated that she will need help when the newborn arrives so if not her parents, then she wants a nanny for a couple of months. Again, there are millions of mothers who have even 4 or 5 kids that didn't need outside help after delivery. We just have one who will be 4 years old when the newborn arrives. My mother can barely make ends meet but she even provides $100 a month for my daughters college fund. My in-laws haven't thought twice about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl
I can absolutely understand your frustration, even more so with this explanation. Does your wife understand this? I am sure however, she is resentful because you pay for your mother's mortgage and won't pay for a plane ticket.
To be honest I see good arguments on both sides. I kind of don't blame either you or your wife for feeling the way that you do.
edit to add: how much will the 3k hurt you? Do you have the $$ in savings? BIG factor.
It will make a dent but won't hurt a great dea, but it's just the principal. Having said that, I would not hesitate to pay for the tickets if my in laws are struggling financially, but they are completely in the opposite.
Couple months ago, my mother in law was pondering about coming to just visit us but said my father in law is about to retire so she needs to be there for him. Well a month later she takes a vacation to the Philippines!
A nanny? Having parents come and help? You said it yourself, your wife is a stay at home mom. How much help does she need? My wife and I raised, are raising 6 kids. My wife has for the most part worked nights while I work days. We have never had someone help us with the kids. Her mom died when she was a kid and her dad moved back to Mexico. She was raised by her brother and sister in law. My parents could not help at the time and for the past 14 years have lived in Arizona.
Our oldest is 25 and our youngest is 11. We did it all on our own.
As far as the parents though, I know a little about the Korean culture. Just a little but what I do know is all about respect for parents, elders, teachers. I can see what you wife is doing. I get it.
What I know about marriage though is it is your job to keep your wife happy. If you have the money then buy the tickets. In the long scheme of things it will be the best thing to do. Love your wife. Make sure that she is happy. It will be so much easier to live a long life with a happy wife.
I brought up how both of us were raised differently several times before, and I don't think she can remotely understand the hard work and dedication required to achieve something great (not just financially). She also stated that she will need help when the newborn arrives so if not her parents, then she wants a nanny for a couple of months. Again, there are millions of mothers who have even 4 or 5 kids that didn't need outside help after delivery. We just have one who will be 4 years old when the newborn arrives. My mother can barely make ends meet but she even provides $100 a month for my daughters college fund. My in-laws haven't thought twice about it.
I hear a lot of resentment and little compassion for the wife. I know that when I had my babies we paid for my mother to fly to the usa to come a month each time. I needed MY MOTHER, not just emotionally but to help, and to have my mother to talk to. I missed my mother terribly and having her visit was what I needed, especially after a cesarean. It also took the pressure off my husband who came home from work tired. His wife was happy, the meals were cooked, the house tidy.
As far as the parents though, I know a little about the Korean culture. Just a little but what I do know is all about respect for parents, elders, teachers. I can see what you wife is doing. I get it.
What I know about marriage though is it is your job to keep your wife happy. If you have the money then buy the tickets. In the long scheme of things it will be the best thing to do. Love your wife. Make sure that she is happy. It will be so much easier to live a long life with a happy wife.
Is there a reason why you can't think of this as a gift for your in laws, your wife, and your children? Why do you have to connect it to how much people are earning their jobs?
Do you feel like you don't get enough recognition for your hard work? Don't tie everything together. A new mama wants her mama.
This could be seen as controlling. Please don't block this beautiful reunion, it is breaking my heart.
We live far from both sides of the family, and we are in our 30s and make a decent living. Our parents are all retired, and although they all have a decent retirement, they are definitely on fixed incomes and fairly frugal.
Any time we ask them to visit *for a specific reason* (like both times I had our kids, a couple of times when we had an out of town wedding that didn't allow kids, twice when I was very ill and we needed additional help), we always, always buy their flights. Could our parents afford it? Probably, if they were frugal in other areas. But we can also afford it, we realize their income is fixed, and we feel they spend their whole lives sacrificing to provide for us, and now if they have any additional money at all, we want them to spend it on themselves--a fun vacation. We do not want them to spend all their extra money on expensive flights to see us. So we insist. We aren't rich--we have to budget for these flights, but it's worth it to us. my husband also comes from a culture where you really respect your parents and it's cultural to take care of them in old age. I knew that going into our marriage, and my in laws aren't demanding people, so it all works out.
Is it possible that if your wife offers to pay the flights, they will argue and insist on paying themselves? Or is it possible that they will offer to split the costs?
Each time I had a kid, my mom came for about 2-3 weeks, then my inlaws came for 1-2 weeks, then my husband used his 1 week of paternity leave, and in the end I had 6 weeks of support and help. Which is when you need it the most--when you are sleep deprived. Especially when you have an energetic 4 year old that has to be taken care of all day. Then there's no "sleeping when the baby sleeps", one of the kids is going to be ignored.
If you can afford the tickets, then I would think about it from this perspective:
Is it possible to care for both kids alone? SURE, anything is possible. But which scenario is *optimal* for my 4 year old, my baby, and my wife?
At the very least, I would get the 4 year old in full day pre-school or hire some extra help around the house for a couple of months.
Also, doesn't Korean culture have a "sit month"?
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